The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

No blast from the past, thank you

Yet, because I've saved far too much on my phone and in emails, I'm often smacked in the face by past reality.  It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, really, because as they say.. those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.  And some of us repeat it because we simply haven't learned our lessons.

Either way.

Funny, though, how much of the saved crap is unpleasant crap.  But I do know why I did that.  During a time when I needed that reality check it kept me strong in my decisions and resolve with what needed to be done for my health, my happiness, and my life overall.  It serves its purpose even now.

Having no one to say 'goodbye' to...

And you guys know I've spoken about this before, but the reality of the situation is that when the mask slips and you see what really 'is'.. it's an earth-shattering event that is very very difficult to get past.  During a breakup saying goodbye is part of the deal, and closure is a natural process of healing.  But what of those situations where you find yourself not recognizing who you fell in love with, that same person you have to say goodbye to?  Yeah, that's the sucky part of it, isn't it?  That person vanishes, and in his place is this other guy, one you only recognize because of the physical features.  The change, as the mask slips, is insidious, a cautious and malignant process that sneaks up on you while you're busy with the task of trying to find out wtf just happened.

I've said my goodbyes.  Many times.  The merry-go-round keeps spinning, that other face of that other person you didn't recognize anymore there on the sidelines, standing still, not speaking.  No brass ring, folks, just that nauseating sensation of your world spinning and no one at the controls to make it stop.

But it does stop, eventually.  The vertigo sucks, your wobbly legs try their best to keep you standing, and yet you're still filled with this question as to WHO you're supposed to say your farewells to.  The guy you fell in love with, or the one who took his place?

I saw a therapist and am not at all afraid to admit that fact.  Smart people WILL seek help with things they don't understand, those things that disrupt an otherwise good life.  She was great, I will admit.  So much I was able to understand because of her, so much pointed out to me that was there but unrecognizable.  I get it now, I do.  But she warned me that it would take time, work, patience and perseverance to come to terms with what I was dealing with, who I was dealing with, and the resulting damage to my spirit and being.  No blame, mind you, as I realize my blindness was my own.  But I don't blame myself either, because I was dealing with an unknown that I had no name for.

I do know what it is now, and that helps me when I feel that old bewilderment return.  When I find myself STILL wondering wth happened to me, how I ended up in THAT experience, I need only to remind myself just how bad things became, and how utterly destructive it was to me as a woman, a human, and a thinking, feeling individual.. and I'm grounded again.  Oh, but no hate there.  I don't hate and never hate.  I hate what a person does or doesn't do, not the person.  That's not who I am.

Recognizing what happened wasn't my fault was hard, and is still hard.  I was told repeatedly how it was all my fault, completely and totally my fault.  I was told that so many times that I began to believe it (Gaslighting), then accepted it as truth because, after all, I loved that person dearly and believed he loved me as well--a mistake I wish I hadn't made, frankly.  But I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker.  But this is how those things work.  It's the same in every single case, which is why it was so easy for my therapist to identify what was going on and point it out to me in the way she did.

It's an ongoing revelation for me.  In and out of confusion and the understanding that what was happening was out of my control.  What I DID have control over, which I didn't believe at the time, was my ability to make the decision to walk away from it all. Which I did. Finally.

Or did I?  Well, I live with the residual damage, so it seems. A constant reminder of what I thought was and actually wasn't, always wondering wtf happened and who the F I was with.  The mask slipped and I didn't recognize the face behind it...

The Non-Gift Giver and The Gift of Giving

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

M... please listen to this carefully.  And anyone who may need to hear this... Praying for anyone who's been subjected to this.

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

Playing it safe

It's safe to say I'm playing it safe.  While every fiber of my being screams "SAY IT!"... I simply don't.    Timing is everything, even when it comes to speaking my mind online in a relatively 'safe' place like a blog.  Not exactly sure where to go with this, because I want very much just to let it all out, vent, whatever one wants to call it...

I will.  Eventually.

At some point I know I will have to.  No one has gotten healthier by holding their feelings in, blotting them out, pretending they're not there, or otherwise...hiding from them.  "Oh, by all means, run," says the the voice inside that cares little about what this does to a person's peace of mind.  And I don't make running a habit these days.  On the contrary.  Face it, say it out loud, deal with it now.. or deal with it later when it's done damage and can barely be controlled.  But that damn voice....

I'm not running.  But I'm not dealing with it either.  Looking for something, but... unsure what it is, exactly.  And I sometimes make it a habit to speak in generalities here, when what's in my mind is far from, well, 'general.'  In fact, I'm quite specific with what I want to say.  A lot of good that does me.

Today is no different.  Talking endlessly and not saying a damn thing.  Some of you who know me well can guess, and maybe you'll be close to the truth.  Maybe some of you will be spot-on.

WTH is it so hard for me to speak my mind here?  WHY is it so difficult to be blunt?

What is it that I'm afraid of?

Being me: I often fail. But I always try.

Wow.  Talking about getting things out in the open about communication.  Posting what I did on Where Fireflies Dream was long overdue.  I could say it was difficult, and it would be the truth, but it was also very necessary.  What I deal with every day sometimes means I have to keep things inside more than I should (if that phrase even made sense).  And when it comes time to spill the contents of an otherwise overflowing mind, well, I have no real idea how it will land on the page (so to speak).  Still, what fun would it be if I always held back?

Maybe I talk too much here lately about my health issues.  Don't know.  What I do know is that I need to talk about it so I can sort through it all and find out exactly where I am with it all.  Do I accept what I'm told?  What do I do with the waiting, waiting, waiting?  How do I expect of others?  Do I give in and let the current take me into what looks like dark waters, or do I hold on and maintain the familiarity of who I am?  I don't know where this all will take me, but I have to remain me no matter what the outcome.

I've spoken a lot about living with someone who is indifference-with-feet, so I won't revisit that except to say it's my reality.  Looking for the place to draw the line in the sand with that has also been an investigation of sorts.  I really need those answers.

As for what's keeping me in this odd limbo is not knowing what my diagnosis is.  Yeah, it doesn't help to know what others have gone through, seeking answers for years while living with symptoms, etc., especially in the absence of a support system.  I can do this alone, but I really need to know what I'm dealing with.  Anyone get that at all?

Being me.  Sounds so freaking simple, doesn't it?  I mean, how can we not be ourselves, right?  It's amazing what changes when dealing with the unknown of this nature, unsure of how your life will be like going forward with X, Y, or Z diagnosis.  Never mind the effects of not having one at all and living with a mystery until someone figures it out.  Blood work, etc., doesn't always reveal what's wrong in a timely fashion.

Oh, and where's the coping mechanisms that keep me grounded?  Hell if I know.  Good days, bad days, dealing, not dealing, hope flourishes then fades.  Damn.

Being me.  Hanging on and remembering who I am.  Every day.  Wondering how I reach out and connect when it feels like I don't have the strength.  Remembering how I used to feel.  Seeking absolution in strange places.  Finding peace in hidden places.

I suppose my words sound random, unfocused, impotent.  Okay.  I'll give you that.  But isn't that what journals are for?  I often write when I can't talk.  Making sense isn't always the goal, at least on [virtual] paper.  Sorting through the confusion and the unknown isn't easy for me right now.

*sigh* Most of my confusion comes from facing the unknown.  I just wish I could get the answers I need to know how and when I can proceed.  Tick tock, Dr. V... I need those test results.

A set of expressions

I'm worn out from posting in two parts on one of my other blogs--Where Fireflies Dream.  So forgive me if this is less than scintillating or entertaining.  What you'll see here is a little bit of what's left after unloading.  It happens.


In the midst of doctors' visits, lab work, diagnosis' that have, till now, been ridiculously vague, I feel exhausted inside and out.  Doesn't mean I've given up---just given out.

"You have Myositis," he said.  But even as he spoke with certainty he left room for the possibility that this isn't the case, and mostly I think that because he ordered more blood work to repeat labs already done (that were abnormal), and to add a couple that weren't previously done but needed.

Duodenal ulcer will be confirmed or discounted as a Dx when the EGD is done in 3 weeks.  Autoimmune Hepatitis.. unsure how he intends to proceed with confirming or discounting that one.  My follow up appt is 2 weeks after the procedures.  I have a long wait ahead of me.

As I wait for the new lab work results, I can't help but feel somewhat anxious.  Myositis being a diagnosis mostly of exclusion, I know that what 'may' lie ahead isn't going to be cut and dried nor easy.  C'est la vie.  Right?  I know this and can accept it.  But it's not easy.  I truly want someone to finally tell me what's wrong and what's to be done.  It's long overdue.  And yet, from what I've discovered during my research is that most people go to several doctors before getting a diagnosis.  In my case, I think the buck will stop with Dr. V.  He knows his stuff.  He obtained his degree at Johns Hopkins and chose to come back to AL to be near his family.  He seems very confident in what where he's going with all of this.

But DAMN if I just wish we could get on with it so I can begin the process of healing.

This waiting sucks.  And this waiting really sucks because I have to do it alone.  Blogging about a little of it is all I really have.  So be it.  Hopefully I'll get my life back once we figure out FOR SURE what's going on and how best to deal with the problem.

Till next time.....

Dealing with it Vs Fixing the issue

The line blurs so completely between the two at times... maybe that means... both?  So what is it I'm saying here, exactly?... Communication.  Respect.  Kindness.  Manners.  I mean, didn't most of us grow up learning about this stuff to some degree?  Or, at the very least, when we become adults we should know better, even so.  Whatever.  After a while my tolerance slips below a VERY well-defined line, and its effects are immediately felt, and totally unwanted.

Listening.  Being attentive.  It's not always easy, because these days everyone's mind is on 'something.'  But we have to choose to listen, pay attention.  I make allowances for people who are easily distracted, because not everyone is a master of focus. I'm certainly not.  ADD is just something I deal with and have to consciously work with.  So, I absolutely do give some leeway when it comes to some situations.  But when a person ACTIVELY tunes you out to the point where you're talking to yourself most of the time---screw that.  And it goes much deeper than just not listening.  It's also a deadpan, utter indifference to what's going on with my health and how it affects me.  The one person I have close-by to talk to... is completely deadpan about it.

No use wasting my time and energy trying to open up and talk to someone who doesn't give a crap.  Yeah.  I'm a little ticked at the moment.  I've come a long way over the past 3 to 3 1/2 years learning to actually ALLOW myself to feel angry about things, to express it.  Holding it in, I found, is damaging.  I'm calm, but I'm also ticked.

There's nothing okay about ignoring someone who's talking to you.  If you're not interested in what that person is saying---say so!  Don't be one of those people who fake their way through a conversation.  Politeness, being what it is, warrants our behaving kindly when someone is talking, even if we don't find the subject all that interesting.  But when it comes to the important stuff and the important people---pay freaking attention!!!!  Or not.  Just know the latter comes with consequences.

It becomes habit, tuning someone out.  With enough 'allowed practice' one can become QUITE adept at it.  It's not a virtue.  So I don't understand why anyone would want this to become a part of who they are and what they're known for.  I don't understand why anyone would allow and nurture, even by default, such undesirable a quality.  Especially when it hurts people.

My tolerance has been waning for this type of treatment for about 3 or so years now, and I believe I've reached the point---FINALLY---of intolerance.  That's not a bad thing.  What's bad, even unhealthy, is to live in the context of someone else's indifference.

I'm already disconnecting with this person, emotionally.  I have to.  I can't allow this treatment to affect my health, my happiness, my joy.  I won't allow it.

So what do I do now?  Focus on me!  It's time.  It's overdue.  A lot of damage has already been done, and now I'm in 'damage control' mode.  And I have a lot of healing and work ahead of me.

In the meantime I am going to make sure that any of the bad feelings I have are vented.  Yeah, that will most likely happen here.  But purging that stuff is critical, because holding it inside, or doing something to cover it up, forget about it, etc... is damaging.  You can sugar-coat crap, but it's still crap.  Get RID of the crap!

Onward...

Damn these dreams...

It seems to just be a constant nightly thing now.  Dreams come, unbidden, that point out how much my life isn't actually my life, and it does this in a very poignant and, in some respects, ruthless ways.  Do I question this?  Of course!  Everyone knows, or should know, that dreams are your subconscious trying to work issues out that the conscious doesn't want to deal with.  Having said that, it's gotten to the point where my dreams leave no room for interpretation.  In fact, they're as blunt and outspoken as an unpaid whore.

Seriously.

Last night/this morning, dreams that leave me haunted and anxious after waking.  Places I want to go and can't (right now).  People I don't even know...who I miss, somehow.  Unnatural forces in times or places with unfamiliar faces.  They're all friends it seems, from a life I don't recognize myself in.  Damn this night.  Just fucking wake me up already.  Right?

Those faces, those people.  Dreaming about people you've never met isn't exactly unique.  And my dreams have included people I DO know and don't have contact with any longer.  It's all just a messed up, complicated message that I don't have the capacity to interpret right now.

...All I have to go on is how it leaves me feeling when I wake.  A bit confused and bewildered...and feeling as if I'd missed the only train capable of taking me where I need to go.

I'm sure it's meant to be motivating.  But motivating me to do what is the million dollar question.

Damn these dreams.  I guess I just need to work on getting my subconscious to reveal what it's REALLY trying to tell me.  Enough of the guesswork already.  M'kay?

So...it's going to be later today (I hope) when I get to the entries for the Alter Ego blogs... links are in the section to the right.  For now, I'm saying adios.  Time to login to life for a few....

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." --"Dig" by Incubus

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person it makes me think about.   2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Enough with the platitudes already...

Tanking up on coffee today.  I slept out of exhaustion, finally, and I feel a bit better than usual.   But I still need that boost of caffein, even so.  Not exactly sure how this whole thing works, trying to find answers on my own to ALL of my questions, and consulting Google isn't providing me with anything I can work with.  In fact, Google actually ends up proving more questions, and very few answers.

To what?...

To everything.  Don't you hate it when I don't get to the point?  Yeah.  Me too.

I don't even know where to begin with what I need to say today.  My thoughts are all over the place, which is pretty common these days.  I don't understand what's happening to my body with all the significantly elevated liver enzymes, and I don't understand at all if that is causing this RIDICULOUS and totally UNWANTED fatigue, aches, pain, and soooooo much more.  And it seems that no one can help me understand it, either.

I long to feel like myself again.  And if I were to be completely honest here I would have to say that, on the really bad days, it feels as if I won't every feel like me again.  It's the kind of truly debilitating stuff that tries like hell to wreck hope.  Screw that!  I'm not having any of it and will fight that to the end.  Oooh, but I can hear the wheels spinning in at least 2 of you who are bothering to read this.  Yeah, and those wheels produce a lot of insight, I know....

...'Don't be so negative!'

...'You're attracting that crap!'

...'You're focusing on the wrong things!'

...'Think positive and things will improve!'

I can hear your voices. lol  And I'm not disagreeing!  But anyone who has dealt with chronic pain and fatigue knows all too well how you can get completely worn down after it goes on for so long.  It can break you if you're not careful, and if you don't have a good, solid support network.  Which I don't.

Yes, I know..I know.  A person only needs themselves to right things.  I get it.  I do.  But again, even strong people need other people sometimes.  Even strong, determined people need encouragement from others.  It's human nature.  That's where I am right now--I need someone to talk to.  But who?  Which brings me to the other end of this situation...

People, please....

"Well meaning/good intentions" don't cut it.

"Weak platitudes" don't cut it.

"Disingenuous remarks" don't cut it.

"Cookie-cutter advice" certainly doesn't cut it.

"Bullying or controlling behavior" definitely doesn't cut it and hurts.

"Indifference" not only doesn't cut it, but it's harmful and hurtful.

There comes a time when people need to assess whether or not their intentions are to help someone, or if they simply want to feel important, like a hero, or just want to snuggle up to their ego.  There comes a time when you just need to shut up if you're not actually speaking from the heart to someone who needs support, friendship, etc.

Agree?

Get real.  Self-assess.  Ask yourself the right questions before you speak.  Because playacting at giving a shit isn't the same thing as actually giving a shit.  If you're rusty, well just pick something to give a shit about and PRACTICE.

I can get indifference from anyone.  My dog has more warmth than some of the people in my life, which is why this struggle has become... a struggle.  I can't thrive in an environment of careless indifference,  you know.. the kind where someone isn't exactly doing it on purpose.  Careless indifference, to me, is worse than stark indifference.  At least with the latter the person is aware of it, acknowledges it, and takes responsibility for it.

Now I'm just ranting.  But... if not here, where?  Right?

No idea how to resolve this.  So far it's me, myself and I, and that's not cutting it either. lol

Damn.

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The hum of that engine, or the sound of the whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

It's not something you feel. It's something you DO.

Love.

I listen to the stories of others and feel their confusion.  Their pain.  Their bewilderment.  The despair threaded through the last decaying blooms of hope.  And I recognize so much of what they're going through.  I'm powerless to help, but I can listen, and I can tell them what I learned.

When it happens to someone close, a family member, someone going through health issues, it's 100 times more heartbreaking.  And my fierce protectiveness rises up and I feel like a protective warrior willing to take the pain, the wounds, every emotional hit and bleed until I'm spent.  But it never really happens like that, does it?  Dammit.  But I would.  Oh, but I would.

I see the signs and recognize the hateful phrases and hurtful behaviors in her.  I'm glad he's tough, and I'm glad to see his self-esteem isn't trashed like mine was, and still is in many ways.  I raised my sons to be strong inside, yet gentle and kind, respectful.  I suppose those are the ones who end up getting the worst of it sometimes.

I don't get in the middle of their marriage and never will.  It's not my place.  I don't treat her badly, because that's wrong.  But if she abuses him further.. I won't remain quiet for much longer.  I keep my peace for his sake.  High blood pressure and an ulcer at such a young age is telling, and the erratic, crazy behavior, the uncaring attitude she displays... isn't going to bode well for her.

I did warn him to day to protect his health and his life, because this is not the same thing as taking a bullet to save your child or loved one.  You simply don't risk a heart attack or stroke or bleeding ulcer (or worse if it doesn't heal!) by staying with someone who isn't on board with your getting healthy!

He said she gets angry if his stomach is painful and he chooses not to go out do something she wants to do.  She gets angry because he has to eat a low-sodium diet and doesn't eat pizza or something else that will harm his health.  When he does things to take care of his health, when he chooses to eat right, not eat or drink things that will harm his health... she gets angry and tells him.. "It's always about you!"  I mean, what the actual hell??!!

And... she's taken to yelling at him for, of all things, paying his child support!

One of his friends works on a pipeline and is possibly being promoted soon.  If that happens, he will be putting a crew together, and he stated my son would be perfect for his crew.  This would mean traveling for work for my son.

I hope my son gets this job.