Shhhhh...

Don't ruin it.  That moment.  The one where I can, for a flickering millisecond think that my life willchange for the better.  Don't talk.  Don't ask any questions or make demands.  Don't expect too much from me right now.  Just be quiet.  For a few minutes.

Just.  Be.  Quiet.

Sleep eludes me again, though unsettling dreams continue to invade everything when I do.  I close my eyes, earphones in place, and I listen to playlists that contain the secrets to my life, my wishes, desires, hopes, goals, and sometimes.... past experiences.  Inside the music I go, ready to put another day completely, thoroughly behind me.

 Allow me THIS peace if no other.

Don't try and have a conversation with me when I'm dosing off.  The intrusion of such an act goes right through me, having been allowed so little access to sleep when I try.  Don't talk.  Don't demand. Don't ask.  Leave me be for this one necessary thing.

My past is filled with nights where far too many demands were made and left me in the throes of sleep-deprivation for days, sometimes weeks.  Thank God it was but one relationship that presented the worst kind of disruption to an otherwise peaceful life.  Yes, I lived in it for far too long.  Looking back, my thought is.. "Why didn't I stand up for myself?"

But now I can.  Mostly.

This falling asleep during the day is too much, too familiar.  I hate it.

So just... be quiet when the night comes.  That's all.  Give me that... one.... thing.

Please.

When it begins, it begins.

I was to start my diet back up again today, but as fate would have it.... T had other ideas.  Okay.  I go with it for one more day, but getting back on track is CRITICAL, because eating the wrong things over the holiday weekend has left me incredibly painful & sick beyond words.  Guess you can say I've re-discovered the absolute necessity for eating healthy.

The pain began with severe indigestion.  But then the severe pain in the right upper quadrant of my abdomen began and is now excruciating, pushing referred pain to my back in that area.  When this happens the pain becomes something to reckon with, something unstoppable and jagged.  I can't sleep, can't eat, can't drink even water, can't sit comfortably, can't lay down comfortably.  Honestly, it's really just too much.  I'm praying tomorrow, with the start back onto my diet again, will ease the pain and misery.

Good grief.

A little late---again.

So, this one should've been posted a few days back or so.  Chaos... what can I say?

Keeping the blogs going.

I've not seriously contemplated shutting my blogs down, but I have thought about it.  Usually this idea comes to mind on my "Why bother?" days, which happens more and more lately.  In some ways writing out everything, or doing an audio and talking about everything... falls short of bringing any real help to my situation, at least not in the way it has in the past.  Is this a signal that it's time to walk away from the blogs, or is it just another insidious manifestation of depression?

If I spent even a couple of minutes thinking about it I would likely just put it all on private and (mostly) abandon it all.  Such is life on the "Why bother?" days.  Feedback on this issue has been mixed and, frankly, confusing.  Seems the consensus is "Keep blogging," while "It's up to you" and "Do what's best for you" is thrown in for good measure.  lol  OK.  Thanks guys!  ;p  No, really, I do get where you're coming from.  But this is a serious consideration for me at the moment.

Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe an answer will come.  Maybe motivation will reveal itself.  Maybe there will be light at the end of this confusing tunnel.

And maybe... I'll just wake up to find this has all been an extremely uncomfortable dream.

When the shift happens.

Your world opens up....

The American Dreamer by Jacob Seales of Right Side Broadcasting Network (RSBN)

Written specifically for Donald J. Trump, our now President Elect. :)

Sigmund C. Monster and Me.

As I wait for an audio entry to upload I sit here in mostly silence and wonder about today, tomorrow, and riddled with static from the past... I'm still struggling to make sense of it all.  In some ways, at least today, I'll give myself a pass on not being able to figure out the meaning of life and the universe and will, instead, have a hot cup of Jr. Mint cocoa.  Oh, but I highly recommend hot cocoa on a cold Winter's day in the midst of turmoil and chaos.  Okay, okay... so there's no real turmoil, but.. it sounded like a good excuse to have cocoa.  ;)

Where I am today is a place of waiting, and waiting on Sigmund C. Monster (2017 MINI Cooper S) to be built and transported to the USA.  I custom-ordered him, and the build/options/colors etc are like the image above, and I'm absolutely in love with this little guy.  He's my first convertible, but NOT my first MINI.  And... I'll just have to get used to wearing a hat or scarf or something to keep ME from looking like a sea monster after having hurricane force winds whipping my hair about. lol

Sigmund is in production and due to be completed early January, 2017.  Hey, perfection takes time!

Yeah, I can actually get happy and excited about the arrival of my little Monster.  And yes, what a weird time of year to think about owning a convertible.  Well, it DOES come with a top, and I'm a total wuss in the cold weather, so there's that.  But luckily I'm in the south where we have more warm/hot weather than cold.

The color is called "Caribbean Aqua," and yes.. I did order black bonnet stripes on mine.  I did NOT, however, add the chrome option, and... the side mirrors match the body color 2/3 of the way with black on the lower portion of those mirrors.  But other than that, this pic is what he will look like, right down to the rims.

"OMG!  WHITE INTERIOR!!  Are you NUTS?"  lol  Hey, you only live once, so why not go with what you really like if you can?  The best part about this is that I will be able to drive again, and that's a HUGE life-changer for me.  Having to sell my other MINI because it's a manual (which my left knee and shoulder can no longer handle) meant no driving SAFELY or without massive pain.  It's all good, though, because Sigmund C. Monster and I have plans.  And everybody needs plans.

I've done well today, and it took a mind-set refresh and a great deal of resolve to NOT allow any weirdness wreck me or my mood.  I have this to look forward to, and I am going to start planning my first road trip in my little Monster, because Sigmund and me... well, we have places to go and things to see and life to experience.

It's about time.

PS.... just a warning... the audio I'm posting shortly isn't going to be as optimistic-sounding as this entry. ;p 

Just a brief update

Because.....

Part II: Generally speaking...

Or not so generally speaking...

Part I: Generally speaking...

Well... this.... again.

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Time Precious Time.

As my shoulder heals it becomes easier (and faster) to type these entries, rather than do audio entries, copy them to youtube, etc.  It really is very time-consuming.  While time IS precious to ALL of us, I did promise a couple of people that I would continue with some audio entries.  "Some." ;)  I have two parts of an entry to upload, and also one short entry.  Not 100% that there will be time today/tonight to upload them, but I will try tomorrow if it doesn't make it today.  On one hand I feel as if time flies by in a blur of nothingness, and yet.... I feel that all I have is time ticking away second by second, minute by minute, tiny slices of life that honestly provides so little of what I need to call my life... a life.  Even so, I'm trying.

All in all, what else is there to really say other than I'm wishing my life to be very different than it is? I can't for the life of me think I've been less than clear on that issue, so it amazes me a little that I've not bored you all to tears by this point.  Well... thank you for being here just the same.  I appreciate it.

Goals, being what they are at the moment, are distant, disconnected, and the lines having blurred so many years ago that I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking at anymore.  I know what I want--sort of.  I know where I've been---for sure.  But dammit it's just a pain in the ass trying to figure out where the hell this is all going, meaning my life as a whole.  How does anyone find their way through he muck and mire of all the hidden possibilities when all there 'seems' to be are hidden possibilities.

I can't say I'm at all liking the idea of asking myself the same question for the rest of my life---"What now?"  That's not a question I like, nor is it a question I can answer at this time.  I 'feel' strongly that an epiphany is coming, that it will reveal itself before long.  Just something I feel in my bones, and that's good enough for me.  In the meantime I'll just keep my eyes open.

Waiting.  I've spent my life either waiting for life to happen or walking the wrong path to make it happen.  IS that life?  Nah.  I don't think so at all.  Maybe this is a preservation, conservation or recovery time that's being forced.  Hell if I know.

.... I wish I could be THIS open in my audio blogs.  Guess that's something I'll have to work on.

Well, me and my confused self are going to move on to the next blog and see if I can get something done with my thoughts.

Until next time.....

Social Media.

These days I find Facebook and Twitter more than a little cringeworthy.  Not to say I don't still partake in posting/tweeting, but I really don't find my heart's in it anymore.  Have I lost all interest, or is this just another manifestation of situational depression?  How the hell should I know?

I've tried to pour myself into ANYTHING that will eat up my time, including social media.  Somehow the idea of just blasting information/thoughts into cyberspace like that seems, well, so freaking WEAK when it comes to life and living.  Social media isn't life, and it sure as hell isn't living.  So... what's next?

It's been my 'thing' to dump FB when life gets to be a bit more than I can handle.  Facebook is the first to go, which is why I have 3 different accounts, each having a place in my day or week, depending on what's going on.  So today I deactivated my newer account that I've used now for some 4 or 5 years, and took up residence once again in my first and original account, the one I dumped due to relationship drama a few years ago.  No one super close to me is on that account.  Well, maybe a couple of people who don't exactly live close BUT who do know me well.

Needing down time away from the mindless meme-posting isn't anything new for me, but the garbage with T that's getting on my nerves has prompted me to use the other account so I can have some peace, space, and room to breathe.  It's just another way I'm stretching my wings in order to find my own voice again, even if it means I'm not saying much.

The knowledge that I've lost interest in most things lately isn't lost on me, but in a way it's somewhat a welcoming side effect of situational depression.  Maybe it's just time to take a break from social media and do most of my thought-processing here in my blogs.  Honestly, I don't know for sure but am willing to go with this one.  Because it just feels right.

I will be posting in all of my blogs, different entries for each.  Most of you check/read them all, so you know what I mean by this.  Likely I'll become a bit more blunt as this next week progresses and edges closer to a very dark and gloomy Christmas.  You've been forewarned.....

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Life's Stinky Potpourri.

Audio entries today blog-specific, so will get the others in the other blogs soon.  Yeah, well.  You know.  Whatevs.

NOTE: Sorry for the background music being so loud.  I'll be more careful in the future. :)

;p

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

....as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self explanatory, yes?