Should I....???

It's been a 'musical' day for the most part, as it usually is when I'm having a bad day.  So much pain, what else is there?  Either music, or Spanish lessons.  And... decision-making.  Hmmmm.

So, silencing the music I wonder... of people who've either extracted themselves from my life.. or I booted them.  Either way, there are reasons for everything in life, for choosing to stick with the status quo, or... to create meaningful change and hope for the best.  As all life goes, everything is a risk.  Everything.

It's been my policy that once I'm an 'ex' I'm an ex.  I don't, and have never, seen any reason to stay even loosely inserted in someone's life when you've been rejected, or... when you've rejected them.  Sure, some people can become BFFs with their ex's.. that's fine for them.  But for me, the past is the past.  Not that there's been any exceptions to this rule--there have been.  There's been exactly 2 exceptions, and for good reason.  However, one person was a friend who, no matter how how I tried to forgive repeatedly, decided that his immersion into the 'occupy' movement... simply made him just this side of intolerable.  That's another story for another day---or perhaps not at all.

A discussion with a  friend of mine recently gave me a lot to think about.  Her life is vastly different from mine, which poses difficulty for her when it comes to giving me advice.  She doesn't get where I'm coming from at all most of the time, and that's okay.  We also don't share a deep friendship, and in  fact.. it's fairly superficial for the most part.  Only once a month, roughly, do we actually talk to one another, and we don't hang out ever.  That's okay too.

So, what she presented to me was basically this:  Why cut anyone out of your life?  On the surface it's a good question, but it lacks something vital.  The most important reason for cutting someone completely out of your life is that the relationship proved to be harmful in some way.  So with just that reason in mind... it just makes no sense to present the question in that way.  However, I added a little more to it, such as 'How much forgiveness is available given the circumstances and does that forgiveness translate into a 2nd, or even 3rd chance?'  Basically, maybe there's some merit to looking at each circumstance individually.  Maybe.

In the case of my 'occupy' friend I honestly don't know what to think.  We were the best of friends for over 12 years.  He lives in CA and even at that distance it never hindered our friendship a bit.  We watched movies together, which was often hilarious as we attempted to sync the DVD's and not react too quickly if we were slightly ahead of the other.  We shared EVERYTHING.  We expressed joy, anger, sadness, etc., and could talk for hours on the phone every day.  We helped each other when times were tough, and there wasn't a minute in a 24 hour period that was off-limits.  A 2am phone call or 4am phone call was always answered.  Not that we took advantage of that, but.. it was always a given that, should we need each other, that we could reach out and have someone right there on the other end of the line.

He lost his job of almost 20 years due to layoffs, and that's when everything went terribly wrong.  I suppose as he struggled to find his footing again (in Los Angeles) he found, instead, a group of people who became like family to him.  His mother & father is deceased, and his sister is, well... she's not the warmest of people and left him, literally, to drown in his own circumstances.  I wasn't able to help him financially, and he wasn't inclined to leave CA at that time... so his situation became even worse.  During this time he met with those involved in the occupy moment, and that... is where he lost himself.

Phone calls that used to be about life, living, music, humor, movies, songs he was writing (he's a musician), animals, etc... became all about occupy this or that.  Then... he got involved in the B L M moment, and the smart part of him that wasn't devoured by occupy was completely consumed by B L M... and he became a self-loathing 'white.'  Neither of us are racist, and so I'm not sure why he became lost, so completely and totally lost to a group that for every practical purpose devoured his soul and personality.

For about 4-5 years now I've spoken to him very little with the last phone call being last summer when I bought him a Vegan cookbook.  I never even heard a word back from him other than when I send him a message asking if he received it and he replied with... "Thanks."

His name on social networking sites has the word 'occupy' in it, and I guess it really represents what he's become.

I don't call him anymore, and now that it's election time... and he's a flaming liberal while I'm a conservative (converted after making the huge mistake of voting for Obama the first time)... we have even more animosity.  He was the one, in fact, that talked me into voting for Obama, and already having a deep dislike for a chronically triggered McCain... it was inevitable that I'd give in.  There was also the health care thing, something I desperately needed, but... that's not the only reason I regret that vote.  I was an independent, and now I'm not, so I'm 'gifted' with his presence on my FB on occasion as he bashes Trump, whom I'm supporting and have since the start.

"There are three things I never discuss with people; religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus

So is, was, my usual stance.  But my friend vomited horrible remarks on my FB page on a post in which I finally had to tell him the truth, the blunt truth that he's not the person I once knew and loved as a friend... but that if he resorted to spewing hate on my TL again.. I would block him. Period.  It's taken years to get to this point.

My friend with the advice... I made a decision to re-think my stance.  But as I told her... there are limits to what I'll endure.  Case by case basis seems reasonable.  I easily forgive, but I'm not one who easily forgets.

The days of my being a doormat for criticism, judgment and cruelty to enter my life is over.

I can't believe I actually did this

Okay, so.. there was this 'ad' on FB about something called "My Social Book."  Curious, I checked into it and discovered that it's actually a company who makes a hard copy of your FB experience! lol Well, at first I thought.. naaaaaaaah.  But then I read some comments others made about it and thought I'd give it a look.  Glad I did, actually.

One can spend a tremendous amount of money getting this book made, depending on how far back you want to go.  The limit is about 500 pages, which can cost a bit over $100.00..  however, you can get the smallest version for roughly $20 + tax. And that's exactly what I did.

I opted for the soft-cover version to save money, but it's actually pretty nice.  You get to choose your 'cover' and pic you want on the front, and you have some control over what's printed, and YOU choose the time frame if you're doing more than one year.

It was kind of funny, parts of it, and other parts are sweet....

Overall, I'm glad I did this. :)

I mean, how can you go wrong remembering all the stupid, hilarious memes you posted, right? hahaha  But seriously, there's more 'substance' there than what shows on this particular page.. which I chose because I found the contents hilarious.

Either way, I would actually recommend people doing this if there's anything you want to place in a keepsake.  I'm really digging mine and am considering getting one from 2013, and maybe one from my old profile from back in 2010, 2011... just not sure yet.

Oh, and your stickers and emojis also show up on these pages.  I mean, pretty much everything when it comes right down to it.

Again... very glad I did this.

No regrets.  :D

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Screw Circular Logic

All that LOA crap doesn't work the way you think it does, and if you get sucked in too far you will actually be a strong negative influence on other people's lives!  I won't apologize for buying into the whole LOA thing, as it mostly relies on 'duh' statements and circular logic, both of which really mean absolutely nothing, teaches absolutely nothing, and yield's absolutely nothing.  IMHO, the ONLY true form of LOA is being awake!  Get that?  Being awake!

Being awake means you're not walking about with rose-colored glasses on, filtering every thought and deed through a common thought.  Being awake means you SEE, you HEAR, and you act accordingly.

Just because you 'believe' and 'feel good' and are 'positive' doesn't mean you can walk across a busy interstate and make it to the other side unscathed.  Oh, you might die HAPPY and POSITIVE, but you're still going to die!

"You don't feel good because you're happy.  You're happy because you feel good."  Even in the reverse this means exactly the same thing, taking both sides of the argument in this case.  Circular logic or reasoning, or.. false reasoning.

The above is a direct quote from a well-known LOA speaker and 'guru.'  And it's a blatant example of circular logic.  It's easy for people to buy into because it appears simple on the surface.  And guess what?  It IS simple, because it really means nothing at all because it fails to give any information.

I guess I'm ranting on this because I see people on social media posting about this LOA thing, something that turns people into intolerant beasts when they embrace it full-on... which I never did.  It made no sense to me, and it went totally against my Christian beliefs.  That conflict was never going to be left alone to play itself out, like good vs evil, until one or the other won.  Who the hell needs that anyway?  Not me.  I chose my faith and good sense over LOA.

Now, I don't mean to belittle anyone who believes in LOA.  If it works for you, then so be it.  My own beliefs are such that I'm not going to blame people for the bad that's happened to them in their lives, nor am I going to steer clear of people simply because they're struggling with something.  That's just unkind and selfish.

Just freakin' be kind to others, people!

Okay.. hopping off the soapbox....

The Big [E]Vent...

Well, such is the way things go for me and blogging, I spent a large portion of time and energy posting on Where Fireflies Dream.  Many times I end up there first, which means the unloading happens in it's full-blown glory before I get here.  Just check the links (side of this page) that says Alter Egos.  Those are my other blogs, as I've mentioned before...

So the big [e]vent happened and I'm left spent, exhausted, and wondering if I really accomplished anything at all.  I'm also wondering how many people think I should be doing the big 'vent' to the person who needs to hear it.  Well, I assure you, I have been quite clear on how I feel, discussing the problems I have with the way things are, and stating clearly that my needs as a person simply aren't being met in any way, shape or form.  And oh honey, those words fell on completely deaf ears.  People are often emotionally lazy, and T... is one of those people.  He won't put any effort into anything, so... flipping the switch to autopilot and sitting on one's own emotional ass will get you nowhere with me.  I will simply find a way to live my life... without you.

This is the beginning of that very thing.

Hey, I know some guys don't do this, and even the ones who do don't all do it to the same degree.  But emotional laziness never got anyone anywhere.  I mean, seriously... if you expect one person to do all the work, you're going to be in serious trouble in the end.

50/50.  But in my case it's more like 20/80.  And I'm freaking exhausted.  Okay, T.. take the damn wheel or you'll be flying alone!  And chronic remorse isn't going to fix this.

Okay, so I'm finding my way along and, although I struggle at times, I'm still plugging forward.  I will find a way.  I will find my life.  And I WILL find me again.  It's just a matter of time.  Once the anemia is resolved, and once I get an "All clear" from my cardiologist on the whole Grade 2 Diastolic Dysfunction thing... I'm going to put everything I have into getting healthy again.  Iron supplementation may make it difficult, and restoring iron stores takes a really long time.  But I can do this.  I MUST do this.  I WILL DO THIS.

Watch and see.

Being me: I often fail. But I always try.

Wow.  Talking about getting things out in the open about communication.  Posting what I did on Where Fireflies Dream was long overdue.  I could say it was difficult, and it would be the truth, but it was also very necessary.  What I deal with every day sometimes means I have to keep things inside more than I should (if that phrase even made sense).  And when it comes time to spill the contents of an otherwise overflowing mind, well, I have no real idea how it will land on the page (so to speak).  Still, what fun would it be if I always held back?

Maybe I talk too much here lately about my health issues.  Don't know.  What I do know is that I need to talk about it so I can sort through it all and find out exactly where I am with it all.  Do I accept what I'm told?  What do I do with the waiting, waiting, waiting?  How do I expect of others?  Do I give in and let the current take me into what looks like dark waters, or do I hold on and maintain the familiarity of who I am?  I don't know where this all will take me, but I have to remain me no matter what the outcome.

I've spoken a lot about living with someone who is indifference-with-feet, so I won't revisit that except to say it's my reality.  Looking for the place to draw the line in the sand with that has also been an investigation of sorts.  I really need those answers.

As for what's keeping me in this odd limbo is not knowing what my diagnosis is.  Yeah, it doesn't help to know what others have gone through, seeking answers for years while living with symptoms, etc., especially in the absence of a support system.  I can do this alone, but I really need to know what I'm dealing with.  Anyone get that at all?

Being me.  Sounds so freaking simple, doesn't it?  I mean, how can we not be ourselves, right?  It's amazing what changes when dealing with the unknown of this nature, unsure of how your life will be like going forward with X, Y, or Z diagnosis.  Never mind the effects of not having one at all and living with a mystery until someone figures it out.  Blood work, etc., doesn't always reveal what's wrong in a timely fashion.

Oh, and where's the coping mechanisms that keep me grounded?  Hell if I know.  Good days, bad days, dealing, not dealing, hope flourishes then fades.  Damn.

Being me.  Hanging on and remembering who I am.  Every day.  Wondering how I reach out and connect when it feels like I don't have the strength.  Remembering how I used to feel.  Seeking absolution in strange places.  Finding peace in hidden places.

I suppose my words sound random, unfocused, impotent.  Okay.  I'll give you that.  But isn't that what journals are for?  I often write when I can't talk.  Making sense isn't always the goal, at least on [virtual] paper.  Sorting through the confusion and the unknown isn't easy for me right now.

*sigh* Most of my confusion comes from facing the unknown.  I just wish I could get the answers I need to know how and when I can proceed.  Tick tock, Dr. V... I need those test results.

In a matter of speaking, I haven't a clue where to start

I only need just a moment to catch my breath sometimes.  The indifference in who I must live with is stealing my ability to breathe and thrive.  Sleep doesn't come easily, nor does clear thinking in the midst of the deadpan canvas on which this life is painted...

I know what to do.  I just have no clue where to start.

Stuck?  Not stuck?  And how do I go about any of this while in my current state of health?  THAT is a really good question.

By the way, if you're a little confused by my words... just go to Where Fireflies Dream (one of my other blogs) and you'll find some clarification there... by now, I think you guys know how this works, how I tend to write between the blogs.

So now I wonder where I go and what I do to begin healing.  And oh my God, this is going to be a long damn road.  Crap.

Just one more day trying to figure it all out.  No worries--I don't spend all of my time on this.  Only in those precious moments that I have to myself am I able to talk about it, in a matter of speaking.  The word "Talk" being used loosely here.

I need a leg up on this.

Damn these dreams...

It seems to just be a constant nightly thing now.  Dreams come, unbidden, that point out how much my life isn't actually my life, and it does this in a very poignant and, in some respects, ruthless ways.  Do I question this?  Of course!  Everyone knows, or should know, that dreams are your subconscious trying to work issues out that the conscious doesn't want to deal with.  Having said that, it's gotten to the point where my dreams leave no room for interpretation.  In fact, they're as blunt and outspoken as an unpaid whore.

Seriously.

Last night/this morning, dreams that leave me haunted and anxious after waking.  Places I want to go and can't (right now).  People I don't even know...who I miss, somehow.  Unnatural forces in times or places with unfamiliar faces.  They're all friends it seems, from a life I don't recognize myself in.  Damn this night.  Just fucking wake me up already.  Right?

Those faces, those people.  Dreaming about people you've never met isn't exactly unique.  And my dreams have included people I DO know and don't have contact with any longer.  It's all just a messed up, complicated message that I don't have the capacity to interpret right now.

...All I have to go on is how it leaves me feeling when I wake.  A bit confused and bewildered...and feeling as if I'd missed the only train capable of taking me where I need to go.

I'm sure it's meant to be motivating.  But motivating me to do what is the million dollar question.

Damn these dreams.  I guess I just need to work on getting my subconscious to reveal what it's REALLY trying to tell me.  Enough of the guesswork already.  M'kay?

So...it's going to be later today (I hope) when I get to the entries for the Alter Ego blogs... links are in the section to the right.  For now, I'm saying adios.  Time to login to life for a few....

Enough with the platitudes already...

Tanking up on coffee today.  I slept out of exhaustion, finally, and I feel a bit better than usual.   But I still need that boost of caffein, even so.  Not exactly sure how this whole thing works, trying to find answers on my own to ALL of my questions, and consulting Google isn't providing me with anything I can work with.  In fact, Google actually ends up proving more questions, and very few answers.

To what?...

To everything.  Don't you hate it when I don't get to the point?  Yeah.  Me too.

I don't even know where to begin with what I need to say today.  My thoughts are all over the place, which is pretty common these days.  I don't understand what's happening to my body with all the significantly elevated liver enzymes, and I don't understand at all if that is causing this RIDICULOUS and totally UNWANTED fatigue, aches, pain, and soooooo much more.  And it seems that no one can help me understand it, either.

I long to feel like myself again.  And if I were to be completely honest here I would have to say that, on the really bad days, it feels as if I won't every feel like me again.  It's the kind of truly debilitating stuff that tries like hell to wreck hope.  Screw that!  I'm not having any of it and will fight that to the end.  Oooh, but I can hear the wheels spinning in at least 2 of you who are bothering to read this.  Yeah, and those wheels produce a lot of insight, I know....

...'Don't be so negative!'

...'You're attracting that crap!'

...'You're focusing on the wrong things!'

...'Think positive and things will improve!'

I can hear your voices. lol  And I'm not disagreeing!  But anyone who has dealt with chronic pain and fatigue knows all too well how you can get completely worn down after it goes on for so long.  It can break you if you're not careful, and if you don't have a good, solid support network.  Which I don't.

Yes, I know..I know.  A person only needs themselves to right things.  I get it.  I do.  But again, even strong people need other people sometimes.  Even strong, determined people need encouragement from others.  It's human nature.  That's where I am right now--I need someone to talk to.  But who?  Which brings me to the other end of this situation...

People, please....

"Well meaning/good intentions" don't cut it.

"Weak platitudes" don't cut it.

"Disingenuous remarks" don't cut it.

"Cookie-cutter advice" certainly doesn't cut it.

"Bullying or controlling behavior" definitely doesn't cut it and hurts.

"Indifference" not only doesn't cut it, but it's harmful and hurtful.

There comes a time when people need to assess whether or not their intentions are to help someone, or if they simply want to feel important, like a hero, or just want to snuggle up to their ego.  There comes a time when you just need to shut up if you're not actually speaking from the heart to someone who needs support, friendship, etc.

Agree?

Get real.  Self-assess.  Ask yourself the right questions before you speak.  Because playacting at giving a shit isn't the same thing as actually giving a shit.  If you're rusty, well just pick something to give a shit about and PRACTICE.

I can get indifference from anyone.  My dog has more warmth than some of the people in my life, which is why this struggle has become... a struggle.  I can't thrive in an environment of careless indifference,  you know.. the kind where someone isn't exactly doing it on purpose.  Careless indifference, to me, is worse than stark indifference.  At least with the latter the person is aware of it, acknowledges it, and takes responsibility for it.

Now I'm just ranting.  But... if not here, where?  Right?

No idea how to resolve this.  So far it's me, myself and I, and that's not cutting it either. lol

Damn.

Midnight, Music, Musings Part 2

Part 1 is on my Where Fireflies Dreams blog, in case you're wondering...

12:13am. Not sleeping. Headphones on. Music playing.  Restless.  Not quite sure what I will say from one minute to the next, to tell you the truth.  Welcoming the wonder in my life and watch what happens. 

I'm no longer putting the boundaries around anything anymore. The rules don't apply anymore. The rules suck and only benefit some while harming others.

I am reconnecting with those things that lift me, that fill me, sustain me. I feel what it is I need in my life.  Why wouldn't I want to allow that in and be carried away with something so powerful?

I can totally get into this journey.  It will be baby steps..but they're still steps. And I will take them one by one until I'm running....