People are funny

Not exactly 'funny ha ha' either.

I've marveled a great deal over the past few years at how much the view of 'friendship' has changed; what people believe it is, think it is, want it to be, and how they behave within those confines of 'friendship.'  It's occurred to me lately, though not for the first time, that the meaning of friendship isn't anything like it was, and the definition changes with each and every person sculpting that definition to fit their own agenda.

Interesting.

Optional Confusion

I invented that phrase a few years back when I decided that, since I couldn't figure out the x, y or z of my life and who and what I am and how I work.... I would simply opt to be confused and marvel at the mystery instead.  It worked for a time.  But it doesn't work now.

To be needy or not to to be needy.....

I HATE 'needy' when it comes to me.  It's one of the most uncomfortable states to be in, imho.  And it really doesn't help that needy is joined at the hip by desperation.  GEEZ!  What an awful combination.  It's not any fun to deal with or feel, and certainly no fun for anyone to be around someone like that, so... I'm determined that it simply had to go.

So... I used EFT to get rid of the neediness.  Trust me, I don't like it any more than anyone else, and I'd be willing to go as far as to say I probably hate it even more than anyone else.  And I'm only referring to me here.  I don't speak for others and their own neediness.

The result was pleasant from my side of things, after I tapped the neediness away, but it wasn't much fun apparently for my BF.  So.... I did everything I could think of to reverse it----neediness back... and with it's old friend... desperation.  The symptoms.. suck.  I'll tell you that straight up.  They suck.

Who likes feeling needy and desperate?  Who would WANT to feel that way?  I don't!

I can't differentiate between being 'needy' and needing someone.  To me.. you have a need or you don't.  If you have a need, then you're needy. Cripes... I get a headache just thinking about this.

So now what?  Don't know.  Absolutely do---not---know.  The only thing I DO know is that I constantly, even as recent as today, get in trouble for not getting some things.  I just want the neediness GONE.  I want the desperation GONE.  SICK SICK SICK SICK S-I-C-K to death of it.

This whole thing is confusing and overwhelming.  When I tapped the neediness away I actually felt far more 'clear' about me and MY life than I have, well, most of my life.  Now I'm back to square one and confused, tangled up inside... and hating my life.

This has GOT to stop.

God.. I'm SO tired.

Roller Coaster

Roller coasters can be fun and have their place in the world... and that place.... is an amusement park...

All of the ups and downs and gut-wrenching tension I feel when I have to deal with my on-again/off-again BF is ruining me, ruining my health, and ruining my ability to enjoy the holidays.  This past Friday he broke up with me again.... after less than 24 hours at his house.  3.5 hours one way is a long drive, an expensive drive, and this time around... I decided this was going to happen just ONCE more.  I will never make that journey again if things go badly the next time.

While I see effort on his part, I still see [clearly] that he is most likely not going to change.  At this last date, and this particular time in my life... I want to make absolute certain that my experiences are rich in meaning and memorable.  This means I have to get busy at the business of being me and living MY life, rather than trying to live someone else's.

Living someone else's life is a bit like walking around in too-tight shoes.  Don't you think?

Important things have been stripped from me of late.  I feel the physical and emotional effects of their absence.  I began BHRT over a year ago and nearly had the CFS and fibromyalgia whooped.  Due to the cost of the medications I had to stop.  Already I feel the old familiar discomfort, the bloated, half-awake, half-alive feelings taking over.

Half alive.  What's the point?

I don't know HOW to get myself financially independent while I feel like death warmed over a tea light. I don't know HOW to feel good when my body simply just... feels sick.  I DO know what it takes to put things right, but I don't have the financial power to make it happen.  $150 for meds... simply isn't in my budget.

Even as I write this I find I'm too exhausted and achy to finish this entry.  This 'sick' feeling is all to familiar.

I need.... a miracle.

Feelings... today

My last post is one I have read and re-read, because even I find it surprising that I've come this far in a week's time.  I'm good with that.  I've much to learn, but I've still come so far.

I've promised myself to FEEL what I feel when I feel it, to not push it away, cover it up with something else, deny it, shame it, guilt it, or punish myself for feeling it.

My feelings are important, and acknowledging my feelings, FEELING them is integral to my well being.  If the feeling/emotion is overwhelming and too uncomfortable I use EFT.  But not until I have allowed myself to feel AND understand what it is I'm feeling.

I'm no longer going to judge myself if the feeling is negative.  This isn't to say that I will allow the negative feeling to linger and take hold of my life (that's what EFT is for).  But I have promised myself to FEEL first, then DEAL after.  I can't tap away something I don't recognize or understand; I've found that out the hard way.

Leading to today...

My BF broke up with me yesterday.  One of my precious little ferrets passed away on Friday.  My BF chose to lecture me for nearly an hour, most of the time in which I was listening (even though his words were painful and biting), but he followed that lecture up with a statement about my going to see him at that time... that it was a mistake.  I felt... at that very moment... like someone had driven a fist directly into my gut.  Those words knocked the wind out of me, and I literally couldn't breathe for a moment.

I didn't know what to do and ended up in another room gasping for air, tears streaming, unable to speak or utter a sound.  I finally made my way back to the bed where I laid down and allowed myself to FEEL the pain and all associated feelings.... and let it flow, unencumbered, unrestricted, unrestrained.

My God but it was intensely cleansing.

I didn't dwell on that feeling, but I also didn't have time to use EFT to rid myself of it.  In a way, this was a blessing in disguise.  Because something in my CHANGED by allowing the feelings to flow of their own accord....

I'm smart enough to know not to allow strong, especially negative, emotions to rule me.  So I let it flow, let it ride, got up, got dressed, packed my car.... and made ready to leave.  I wasn't intending to break up with my BF but to, instead, simply go home and heal.  HE chose to break up with me, and he chose to do so... because I told him what I was FEELING.... and stood my ground.

He broke up with me and then threw me out of his house when I told him he'd crossed a line with me and that what he said to me... was incredibly CRUEL.

I don't do cruelty.

Yesterday is passed.  And here I am today.  I find I'm surprised by how calm I am at the moment, even with that small tell-tale lump in the pit of my stomach.

I saw him as the love of my life....

Today....

I feel alone, but not completely lonely.
I feel sadness and disappointment that the man I thought loved me.. had the capacity to hurt me so deeply, so profoundly, and without regret or remorse.

I feel fear at my financial situation, and I also feel fear for two of my older ferrets, one of which may pass soon as well.

I feel sad that I'm missing out on family joy, the first real holiday gathering I've been to in..... 7 or so years.  I'm disappointed that so much sad and unhappy events had to happen within a few days of Thanksgiving.  I'm hurt that my BF didn't recognize or care that he hurt me so deeply and threw me away as if I meant nothing at all to him.

I have moments of feeling hopeful.  Those moments don't last but a few fleeting seconds, but I think with work I can lengthen those moments until they are ever-present.

I'm worried that I'm simply stuck in the denial stage.

I'm also very sleepy, very tired, and a bit depressed.  I lost my sweet little Tocho on Friday... and my BF on Sunday.

I feel what I feel and I understand them.  I understand where they're coming from and what they mean.  I also know how to heal.

I love myself, forgive myself, accept who and what I am.

I will spend the time I would have spent with my BF.. nurturing me instead.  What I can't give him, what he does not want from me, I can give to myself.

I will take care of me now, and I will let the rest of the world take care of itself.

With the exception of the animals in my care... I am not responsible for taking care of others or fixing their lives, nor am I responsible for them.

Today....

I will listen to the rain and be at peace with myself.  I will listen to music and allow myself to be carried away by it.  I will dance, even if for a few minutes and remember who I am.

I acknowledge the difficult position I am in, financially and otherwise, but I will not dwell on it or allow it to rob me of joy.

I will rest, watch my favorite tv shows and call my two best friends.  I will feel the strong love I have for my BF, because it is a part of me, but I won't allow his absence to hurt me.  I know if what he feels for me is true love... he wouldn't want or need to hurt me.

Leaning Back

I can lean back and still have an open heart.  I can nurture myself and be loving towards others--maybe even more so because of it.  I can love deeply without hanging on.  I can wait, while loving, and take care of myself too.

Today is "it."  Reborn in a way.  I can finally say... "I get it" without hesitation or second-guessing.

I can't hate one part of me and claim to love myself.  I can't exist without boundaries and claim to love myself.  Defensive is not the same thing as self-love.

Leaning back....

Not grasping or pulling, nor pushing or clinging.  Leaning back.  Just that.

Not indifference---patient acceptance of me.

Desperate to fix, no more.
Desperate to identify myself through the eyes of another, no more.
Desperate for love, no more; because I have myself.
No more loneliness when I'm alone; because I have myself.
No desperate need to repair or replace; just because something doesn't fit doesn't mean it's broken.

I am aware of the rich and abundant capacity to love that I possess.
I am accepting of all that I am.
I am at peace with who I am, and I am feeling immense joy in the revelation that I...am...a worthwhile human being.

I feel no need to explain myself.
I love being a woman and all it entails.
I do not need or want to assume the role of the masculine.
---No need to constantly fix and orchestrate 'all.'
---Open and willing to simply....be.
---Open and willing to accept love.
---I revel in the strength on the inside, the softness on the outside.

I feel my feelings and allow them to guide me.
I do not need to repress, hide, mask, deny nor force-change what I feel.
My feelings are important.

Today I understand what is required of me to be truly, abundantly happy.  Today I accept and revel and delight in being a woman, in being a feeling and thinking woman with much to offer.  Today I accept and revel in just being myself.

I know my boundaries and am strong enough to say 'no.'
I am not a toy, a bridge, or a servant.
I acknowledge and accept that I possess an ego, conscious, and subconscious and accept that ALL THREE of these are integral parts of my being.

Leaning back....

I've not let go of the reigns of my life, because I know that I should be living my life, rather than my life living me.  I choose.  I see.  I hear.  I listen.  I feel.  I respond.

This is my life.

I have simply leaned back and am grasping the reigns comfortably now, rather than hanging on for dear life.  I'm not desperate to put the breaks on or back up or turn around and run.  I choose, instead, to lean back.

My heart is open.  My spirit is at ease.  My hands are open, soft, relaxed.  My eyes are open, aware, but not searching.

I will not chase, but I also will not run.

I am simply here.  I am me.  I am living my life simply by.. being.

I allow myself to FEEL.  If the feeling feels wrong, if it's unhappy or negative, then I can and will simply choose another course.  But I won't stop myself from feeling.

I do not need to deny a feeling to change it.  It is not healthy to deny or resist feelings and far healthier to feel them... then choose appropriate measures in order to deal with them.

I do not need to hang onto a negative feeling in order to deal with it.  And I certainly do not need to discard it, suppress it, or will it away to deal with it; if I don't feel it, I'm not dealing with it.

I am leaning back.

No longer am I leaning forward to find what I need.

I am a woman existing within the realms of her dominant feminine energy.  While I accept that all humans have feminine and masculine energy, I acknowledge and accept that my dominant energy is feminine.  I acknowledge and accept that it has caused me harm to my emotional and physical being by attempting to exist in more of a masculine energy state; it's simply not natural for me.

My natural energy flow is feminine... accepting, open, and feeling, receiving... just 'being'.  I do not need to change who I am or what I am in order to please others.

I accept myself.
I love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.
I understand myself and now rely on my instincts, my intuition... to help guide me.

I am strong on the inside and soft on the outside.

I am a woman.

I am.. me.

Loss

My little 6 yr old Tocho (aka Tocho Bug or Tocho Pimne) passed away on Friday, Nov 19th.  The sad details aren't necessary; he received the best care from the best staff at the best clinic.  He was a little fighter that one.

Less than 48 hours after Tocho's passing... my bf decided to break up with me yet again.  He broke up with me because I dared to let him know he crossed a line, a very STRONG line that he was well aware of.  He made an excruciatingly painful statement about my mourning Tocho... and more, and that was my breaking point.  I was crushed, and I cried harder and longer than I think I ever have in my life.  When I was spent, I wiped the tears and stood tall, got myself together, packed my things.... and left.  Naturally, it wasn't quite that easily or smoothly... but I left.

I can take a lot of pain; physical or emotional.  However, when it comes to family (hairless humans and hairy furkids alike)... I draw the line.

Contrary to popular beliefs.. I have boundaries.

The sad truth is that he saw what his cruel words did to me.  It was evident in my face, even to me, and no amount of makeup could cover that kind of pain.  But he didn't care.  He just wanted to be right.

Cruel remarks followed by a near-shoving out the front door.  Nice.  No matter... the last thing I need is to be with someone who not only CAN hurt me to that extent without remorse..... but who DOES hurt me without remorse.

My heart is broken....  too much loss.. in too short a time.

And to think that the above is just the tip of the iceberg.

You don't HAVE to love me

It's a choice.  It always has been.

When my last living parent passed away (my dad died when I was 14, and I didn't know him) I knew, as my best friend would agree, that ... no one HAD to love me.  Sure this is ego talking, but it's in our inherent nature.. to want to be loved, cared for, appreciated, respected, etc.

I'm no different.

My BF---at least I 'think' he's still my BF---doesn't like me.  I wonder at times if he can love me if most of what and who I am... he despises?  I'll never truly know the answer to that, but my friends tell me the proof is in his actions.  His choices in how he treats me is telling.  So I'm told.

Denial isn't just another river in Egypt.

He gets so angry at me for the littlest things, things that are so insignificant that most people just scratch their head and say... "Huh?  He's made at you for that?  WTH?"  I agree.  But then, I also know that I believe he can't help but hate parts of me.  He 'wants' to love me, but he doesn't.

All I have to do is breathe and I anger him.  He's comfortable retreating and withholding his love, attention, himself.... he leaves me in total silence until he decides I've been punished enough.  And when he 'leaves,' it usually means hanging up on me and not speaking to me for some undetermined amount of time.  Total silence.  Completely ignoring me.  He doesn't even have enough 'love' for me to think about what this does to me.  But what I believe is... he does know, and he just doesn't care.  Or worse, that he's hoping to hurt me.  THAT has been the undercurrent thought I've been dealing with since he stopped talking to me.

Our anniversary passed without his ever saying a word, and the last words he spoke to me... left the impression (as it always does) that he broke up with me.  But I don't ask for clarification, I don't dare, because when I do... the answer is always.. "Well, YOU thought of it, and YOU brought it up, so YOU must want it!  So be it!  It's done!"

He sets me up.  He's good at traps.  Most of the time I feel like the hungry mouse focusing on the cheese, completely blind to the danger.  Or perhaps I'm just that gullible when it comes to him.  Either way, it occurred to me today that, if he really loved me, he wouldn't be ABLE to do this to me, to hurt me this way, to make me sit in silence and wonder.... if it's over.  I know I could NEVER do that to him, no matter how much he hurt me.  I just couldn't.   That's really telling....

His niece posted something the other day on Facebook that really hit home, a quote from a movie, or a book:

"My favorite thing in the world is to be ignored. so next time i talk to you, please act like i didnt say a word. because when you do, i feel like the most valuable person."

It's funny that she posted this.  My BF knows my history with my mother, who used withdrawal and "ignoring" me as punishment... because she discovered THAT is the way to REALLY punish me.  And I... made the mistake of sharing this information with my BF.  He apparently just put it in his big bag of tricks (or should I say weapons?) in which to use on me when he chooses.  Because he uses this ALL the time.  It's psychological abuse, so I'm told.  Maybe it is.  But it wouldn't be if I didn't have issues with this very thing from my childhood.  My mother would ignore me and pretend I wasn't there, as I cried on her shoulder softly calling.. "Mommy! Mommy!"  I've forgotten most of my childhood (blocked it out?), but this.. this I remember all too well.  So why would the man who 'claims' to love me choose THIS form of punishment?

The answers from my two best friends: "Because, Ella, he DOESN'T love you!"

The last time he broke up with me he really dug the knife in deep.  He said painful things to me such as.. if I had a hot date to go for it, told me I should consider myself single.


I went through the stages in their cyclic and painful patterns, wavering and cycling through denial, anger, pain, acceptance....and so on.  And truly, anyone who tells you that you go through one stage and a time and it's done... has never gone through this, because it's NOT that easy.


So I was crying all the time, sick to my stomach, going through absolute hell, letting go, hurting, and having no one locally to just hang out with and talk to.  I was in the process, painful and necessary as it was, I was finally in the process.  But after a few days things changed, I played the martyr... took all the blame (I always do), and he 'forgave' me.  He never forgets my alleged 'mistakes,' and he NEVER let's me forget.  But we got back together. Now here I am again, for what feels like the hundredth time..... wondering if I should be telling myself what he refuses to say---that I'm single.


He stopped having any interest in me anyway.   That much was clear.  the last time I was at his place I was so sick, but.... I was mostly furniture in the house while he went about his daily life as if I weren't there, just an unimportant and unwanted, barely-tolerated houseguest.


I go to bed alone at his house, and... well, I think I'll leave things at that.  This is just an energy drain talking about this to this extent.


I'll play the martyr... until I know where I stand in his life.  right now, I don't feel at all a part of his life.

I am me. I will always be me.

Striving to be a better person takes a lot of serious introspection.  You can't change if you have no idea what it is you need to change (or improve).  People who claim to be different but spend all of their time pointing out the [alleged] faults of others have yet to even take a look at themselves.

I guess it's hard to look at oneself when you're always looking for faults in others.

I may not be perfect, and I may not be a genius.  But I am a decent, caring person.  I know what I am, and I know what I like and dislike about myself. And I know what I need to change and improve on.  But that's MY job to attend to those issues.

I'll always strive to be better.  I don't need or want heavy criticism constantly hanging over me, because that will never help me be a better person.  Negativity never helped anyone.

I am me.  I will always be me.  I like who I am.

"That's what they all say"

It's a reply I often hear in response to my saying... "I love you." Either that or... "Really." I don't know what to make of that sort of thing, quite honestly, but the patronizing tone and sarcasm, I suppose, should speak for itself.

Maybe I just don't speak fluent Patroneeze or Sarconeeze. Truth be told, I will be quite happy if I never become fluent in either of those.

At what point does a person just stop saying the words? If they mean so little and are unwanted or unappreciated, why bother?

I'm not actively making comparisons between my situation and that of others, but comparisons are always being made in the human mind, and anyone denying that little fact.. is lying to themselves. At least I can admit my human frailties. But comparisons being what they are, they exist because the mind needs to understand something it can't find 'sense' in.

My mind is no different. When something doesn't make sense to me I want to know why, and I want to have it make sense in my head---even if the logic behind it all turns out to be painful. So be it. Sometimes.. the truth hurts.

I'm too tired to constantly analyze every single solitary minute little detail of every single solitary moment of every day. That's enough to tire an athlete, much less someone who's tired to begin with. So here's my brain trying to sort things out, make sense of the seemingly senseless, and I pay a HUGE price for that in lost sleep, lost health, diminished joy in all things "life." Now talk about something not making sense!

Back to comparisons....

I watch. I observe for a reason. I don't judge, but I do make mental notes as I learn and see and experience, albeit second-hand, what others do and have, etc. And I see so much, to many telling details. I don't WANT to see what I see. But I do.

Love really isn't complicated. The emotion is there or it is not. You choose to express it, or you choose to not. But watching others, the interactions between couples who are supposed to be 'in love' with one another.. I see something. Well, actually... I see a LOT of somethings. And it seems to me that this much is clear: If you love someone.. it's really not a choice to express that love or not, because love simply IS.... or it IS NOT.

So in the absence of expression, in the absence of that incredibly strong emotion, one must ask.... "IS this love?" Most of it is just a guessing game, because none of us really know what 'love' actually is, and the meaning and definition of love is subjective to the spirit in which it resides (or not). Having stated the obvious.... the question still remains: If someone chooses to withhold love, withhold the expression of love, refuse to accept love given and expressed.... does that particular love exist?

I'm not about to go scientific with this, because I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE SCIENCE OF LOVE.

Love...

I'm just sayin'....

Silent. Just silent.

It's almost Halloween, and it's silent as tomb in my world. These days I feel like a ghost just wandering around aimlessly looking for some place to haunt. Kind of funny when you think about it. That silence gives life to a lot of thoughts that, well, I'd really rather not think about but do...

I don't get out enough. I don't talk to people enough. I'm not good with strangers or crowds, so... who the hell am I supposed to talk to anyway? The people I want to talk to don't usually want to talk to me, so there's that. And the one person I REALLY wished liked talking to me... well, doesn't.

1:29am... it's not the first time I've waited up for him to call. It won't be the last. I'll go to bed as usual, knowing that he's bored with me. He'd be angry as hell with me if I actually SAID that to him, so I don't speak my mind on such matters anymore. I don't speak my mind on a lot of things anymore because it usually just ends up with him being annoyed with me, then angry at me. It's not worth it, so I either just bury it inside and deal with it myself or, well... actually, that's my only option. No matter. It's not the only time in my life that I was a total stranger to 99% of the people in my life.

My job interview went okay today. Nothing telling in what transpired, but it went okay. I feel pretty good about it. It will take every other weekend, and that's okay. My bf isn't all that into me anymore anyway, so maybe he will be happier if I'm not around as much.

And I need a life of my own anyway. I do nothing, see nothing, experience nothing, talk to no one outside of a couple of people.... and it leaves me with NOTHING to talk about. People take it personally when this happens, because they don't understand that I do nothing so have nothing to say. If the topic of conversation is about them.. I can listen, nod, say 'cool' or some other word that feels fitting for the moment. But that's about it. If the topic is foreign to me, I have even less. I simply just don't know what to say 99% of the time.

Minimal social 'functioning' is what I rely on. I've seen enough tv shows, read enough books, seen talk shows, observed people interacting... so I sort of know what to say or do or not do or react.. most of the time. But there are truly challenging situations, like the one last weekend with my BF and his ex. Whoooo.... I won't even go into that situation. I'm just chocking it up to another life event I'd rather forget about. Even so....

I don't know how to talk to people, and top that with no life or experiences to discuss... I'm the most boring person on planet earth. So.. how does one become both annoying AND boring? Neat trick, eh?

This is where I thrived and LIVED in dance. It was the music, the movement, the color, the flow of energy... without my EVER having to utter a single word. What I was saying on stage needed no words. GOD that was nice. The music carried me and was my armor. :)

I need to figure out my life and me quickly. I'm running out of time. And seriously, I don't mean for that to sound as morbid as it came out. I know my BF isn't feeling the same way for me. I feel myself fading into the shadows and am barely tolerated now. The things he dislikes, that list of things... has grown in a huge way. Once again I've identified myself via something or someone else, my identity becoming deeply ingrained in something that is, in essence, separate and apart from me....

I'm a dancer...

someone's friend...

someone's girlfriend...

yada...yada...yada.

You get the picture, I'm sure.

I've had to re-invent myself far more times than is healthy because something I thought was me was taken away.

It's almost 2am and I'm sleepy. Another day in my life gone with little to show for it. Okay. So that's the way life goes sometimes.

....lost.

MY Life

My life. My decisions. My way. NOT a difficult concept to understand, yet some people refuse to respect boundaries. WHY is that?!?

When you care about someone you don't try and strip away the little joys in their life. In fact, most people try to ADD to the joy and celebrate the good things with that person. I'm like that. I would never poo poo someone else's likes, joys, passions, dreams... I couldn't even fathom doing such a thing. So when this very thing happens to me it makes me question, REALLY question, the motivations behind it.

The Law of Attraction (LOA). I do my best to live by that, to keep the principles in mind with every decision I make, with ever thought I have. One thing I definitely get is that when I ASK for something and WILL it into my life, when the Universe responds and GIVES that very thing to me...I don't turn my nose up at it. I ACCEPT "with GREAT joy" that which I've attracted into my life. I APPRECIATE what I have and what is given to me, because anyone who knows even the smallest things about the LOA KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that the things you do NOT appreciate...will be out of your life... will be taken away.

So WHY on earth would I want the very things I've asked for, dreamed of having, wished for AND received...taken away? Rhetorical question.

Truth is... I DON'T want to turn my nose up at the blessings I've received. I WILL NOT do it!

Having said that... one of the most important people in my life wants me to do just that. The conversation has been brought up SEVERAL times, and each time I don't give in and agree to 'get rid of' those JOYS in my life... I get to feel the negativity washing over me from that other person. This person claims to love me and have my best interest at heart. This person also claims to LIVE the LOA nearly flawlessly. How can this be when there is anger and frustration and negativity... LOTS of it... over my choosing to NOT sell, give away, etc. those things which I ASKED for?

His choices do not have to be MY choices. I am a separate being, a spirit of my own. My likes may not always match his, and vice versa. My needs may differ in some respects. We may not like the same exact foods, the same tv shows, the same cars, the same music.... and these are all givens in any relationship, because we don't typically go around looking for the perfect 'mini-me' to spend the rest of our life with, now do we? I certainly don't.

I am the type of person who chooses to accept the differences of others. I find the differences fascinating, intriguing, even beautiful at times. I refrain from judgment, barring things such those 'immoral' things that none of us are okay with. But on a very mundane level, differences don't inspire hate or resentment within me. So...why the anger from my loved one when I make life choices based on MY life, MY wants, MY needs, MY goals, MY dreams... etc? If my choices cause no harm to another, why should I not have the joy that comes with the successes within and because of those choices?

I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to FEEL happy. I'm allowed to live MY life MY way. And if I'm blessed with having those things come into my life that I WILLINGLY attracted, then I should be allowed to feel the resulting joy. Why on earth would someone who claims to love me deny me that joy?

I have a LOT to consider, as I've known for some time. A LOT. And every single time I'm reprimanded, scolded, or 'bitched out' for having what I have or doing what I do or liking what I like, every time this person attempts to control and micro-manage MY life... it pushes me away.

Dammit! I have a RIGHT to be happy!

Simply because HE doesn't like A and prefers B, well, that gives him NO right to get angry at me because I prefer A! So what if my choice in cars or computers or any other given thing differs? HE isn't going to drive my car or use my computer, etc.

I'm tired of being pushed to get rid of A so I can replace it with B. I DO NOT WANT "B"!!

I'm being vague, I know. So... let's put it on the table. I'm talking about apple vs pc. SO WHAT if I prefer apple! So WHAT if I would rather use that than a pc! I've always wanted a m*a*c and I have focused and felt the excitement building about HAVING one. My spirit was FEELING that, I was purposely ATTRACTING that, and the Universe GAVE me that very thing! NO!...I am NOT going to SELL it and buy a PC! And you know what? That should be MY choice.

I'm basically told I'm being impractical, though it sounds and feels like I'm being called stupid for not wanting to sell or get rid of something I ASKED the Universe for and was GIVEN! I have to listen to lectures about about limitations of one machine as opposed to another. The resentment and anger about this thing, and another I won't go into here, is evident and gushes from him and washes over me.. ruining my mood and energy within seconds of it happening. NOT living by the LOA if you ask me.

He's always said to do a 'gut check,' and if it feels bad, it's not the right thing. Well, taking HIS advice... when I think about getting rid of the two things HE wants me to get rid of.. I feel BAD, and my GUT CHECK says, actually screams.. "Don't do that!"

I'm going with my gut. If this person doesn't want me because I have the computer "I" prefer, rather than the one HE prefers.. so be it.

My God, seriously... is it necessary that I feel bad or guilty or stupid about the things I like?

I'm standing my ground. DOWNSTREAM baby, DOWNSTREAM! It's EASY to keep and appreciate what I have in my life, and HARD AS HELL to give them up. So guess what? When the LOA clearly dictates that 'everything we want is DOWNSTREAM and nothing we want is upstream..' then I guess I'm doing the right thing in appreciating and keeping and taking care of what I have.

Today I course-correct. Today is the first day of a new life and even newer way of thinking. I've looked too long and hard for the solutions OUTSIDE of myself and that, I've discovered today, is NOT the right way to live. The solutions.. are in me. The power to affect change in my life are in ME.

Today I begin doing what I should have been doing all along, and that's listening to the voice inside ME, not the external opinions and dialogues of those around me. Don't get me wrong... I'm open to suggestion and receiving insight from those who's experiences may help me. But in the end... what I do is up to ME, because it is about MY life after all.

MY life.

Allow me to introduce myself

Hello. Nice to meet you. My name is really unimportant, because this post isn't about my name, but rather about who I am....

I'm the girl that isn't much of a conformist. I'm the girl who dares to be my authentic self despite complaints or disapproval from others. I'm the sensitive girl, the one who may appear to cry too easily, laugh mostly inwardly, the one who is often accused of being 'clueless' because I don't get certain concepts right off.

I'm the girl who doesn't fit well into crowds, the one who isn't into looking for the next party.

I'm the girl who loves animals, feels compassion for them and knows precisely what compassion is and doesn't confuse compassion with empathy or sympathy. I'm the girl who is hands-down a first-rate animal-lover.

...I'm the girl with 6 ferrets and a basset hound---four of those animals are rescues. If you know nothing else of me, you would know how I am about my animals. If nothing else.. you would know that.

I know we've met. We've talked thousands of minutes, shared countless text messages and emails, have spent enough time in each other's worlds that there are just certain things that we, well, just... know. So how is it that you fail to know the most important things about me?

Or is it simply that you just don't accept those things about me?

I had animals long before I met you. My animals were an established and integral part of my life long before you even knew I existed in the world. The first thing anyone learns about me, including you, is that my animals are very important to me, but not more important than loved ones, human beings. Even I know where a line must be drawn. Still... I also know that most of the time a line doesn't HAVE to be drawn.

Those who truly love me would never ask me to give up the joyful things in my life, not even for them. True love... means accepting the person you proclaim to love and SHOWING it in ways that say... 'your happiness is important to me.'

You knew early on who I am, what I am, and what I'm about. It's not fair to allow love to blossom and then later try to strip things about me away as if they are unimportant. If you find one thing about me unimportant, that changes everything.

Love is to love the sum of a person, not just the parts.

No one is 100% easy to love. We love some things automatically, easily, other things we grow into. But acceptance is key to love's survival and growth. As long as there is even one thing we can't accept about another.... we cannot really love them. The good, the bad, the indifferent.. it's all part of the package.

....the sum total.

Is it love when someone says.. 'choose me or your children'?

Is it love when someone asks.. 'choose me or your pets you've had for 6-7 years'?

Is it love when it has to be one or the other?

Yes, I understand extenuating circumstances often dictate a need for such choices. If our beloved is allergic to cats and cannot or is not comfortable taking medication in order to tolerate the cats, then it stands to reason that a choice must be made. I get that. Most people get that. But this isn't the case here.

Long before I met the man of my dreams I had animals. All of my life I've wanted to be in a position where I could have them in my life. ALL of my life I have wanted this. With each failed relationship, however, I lost heavily, emotionally. With each failed relationship... I lost my animals. Each new relationship I was given yet another promise, another opportunity for these small joys. And when the relationship ended I was left to rip my heart out of my chest and find my animals new homes.

I've had animals now for nearly 7 years. It's a thankless job, an often expensive one. But the joy usually out-weighs the hardship or heartache, the inconveniences. This is who I am... the girl who adores animals.

I thought you fell in love with me, that girl, the one I am and always have been. I believed your love was unconditional.

Today... I was proven wrong. You didn't fall in love with 'me,' but an idea of an 'edited me' where many things I am are stripped away and replaced with something easier, something more like.... you. But I'm not you. I'm me.

Today... the ultimatum has made itself known. That too-loud, accusatory voice still rings in my very spirit. It doesn't resonate there but bounces around like a metal ball in a glass bowl, threatening with every word, every demand, every accusation.... to chip away and damage the person I am.

After all this time, after all these months (nearly a year) you have decided there are big things about me you aren't okay with, things you do not like, things you aren't willing to accept. If there's no acceptance, there's no love.

I felt such love today. My words conveyed it, and you noticed. But the sweet feeling didn't last and was quickly replaced by sadness, hurt, depression, then... emptiness.....

I'm still empty, except for the pain. I can make that go away, because I know how. But I can't make the implication of your words and actions go away. THAT... I have no idea how to make go away.

....and that is what I get to feel for the rest of this evening.

Can someone PLEASE show me the way 'home'?

Rhetorical question, obviously....

Home. It's elusive. It's a blurry photo in mud puddle. It's something I've seen on tv and read about in books. I hear people refer to it all the time but have no idea what it actually is.

I thought I knew once [what it is]. I believe I once was very close to it. I almost felt as if I touched it once. Looking back now... I was merely reaching for air.

If there is such a place as home.. I'm merely the resident ghost.

Home. I've looked for it for 48 years. I've yearned to 'feel' what it's like to be there for as long. People try to placate me with 'old sayings' such as.. 'home is where the heart is.' My heart has been evicted, demolished, flattened by emotional tornadoes and hurricanes and has never been 'home' anywhere as of yet.

There is no welcome. There is no warm light in the window. There is no feel of comfort and acceptance and patience. There is no shoulder to catch tears, no tender touch to wipe them away.

The tears are judged and scolded. My pain a thing to resent, an annoyance. My need an inconvenience.

I dream of fairytale love and romance, an emotional place to call 'home.' Even now I cannot accept that this thing does not exist, though I've seen evidence that it's all a great myth that misleads and tricks. Love is quite the trickster, changing it's persona, it's face, it's fickle intent.

.....Lost.

Now what?

I know I delete a lot of entries per month, but there's a reason for that. The reason, however, isn't really important. At least... not right now. So this post may not make any sense unless you've been reading for the past year... or unless I've caught you up. If I've not caught you up, I will...

Today, like so many others, began on a fairly even note. By 'even' I mean.. I wasn't particularly down, nor was I particularly up. I often refer to this 'state' as 'flatlined.' It's the description that best fits anyway. After only 2 hours of sleep (another talk show) I wasn't at my best, but I felt pretty good overall. A short trip to Starbuck's where I know at least one person... left me laughing and feeling fairly happy. I suppose the worst of the 'downer' began after I arrived home and realized I'd been 'forgotten' (on purpose) by someone I love, someone that (while in a good mood) includes me in his family prayer sessions twice a week. I know the drill, so I know exactly that I wasn't 'forgotten' in the sense that you or I would 'forget' something or someone. I'm being 'punished,' plain and simple, and punished because of, well, nothing really. And yes, I'm being honest in that.

This sort of thing happens FAR too often, and each time I'm 'punished' in one form or fashion.. it feels like cruelty on the receiving side. And as I've always said, and you can quote me on this, "There is no such thing as accidental cruelty." I won't go into the gory details, and I know having NOT explained this behavior and why it feels like cruelty may only confuse... it's still the truth.

There is an entire novel of information that explains the above, gives the context in which it all happens in and why it affects me so deeply, but there simply isn't time or space here to go into it all. What I know is that I'm living in a city where I know no one. I'm alone here, and the nearest relative is in Phoenix, AZ. There's no real reason for me to be here.

I once thought that moving in the vicinity of where my bf of 8 mos lives (he wants me to move there), but I would be in the same boat there. When he gets mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me, see me, etc (which happens often)... I feel horribly alone. I can't even imagine how bad it would be if it happened while I lived in an area where I knew NO ONE at all. At least HERE I know people at certain businesses and feel a sense of welcome in those places. That's something at least. But living where I don't know anyone at all... well, you know what I mean I'm sure.

These days I feel like a ghost wandering around my apartment, and in life. I feel a bit invisible, to say the least.

Everything happens for a reason. I know there is a purpose in everything. I've waited my entire life to find MY purpose here... and purposes, for me anyway, come and go with the evolution of life on planet earth. Purpose in life is to learn about life as a teen. Purpose in life is to be a good mom and raise my kids. Purpose in life is to be a good dancer and dance teacher. Purpose in life is to be there to cheer mr. man on while he works steadily on building his career...while mine is put on hold. And now.... mr. man is gone (happy over that one, mind you) and my purpose is still undefined in the great scheme of things.

My 'big picture' has no title or symmetry.

The roots of my life are no longer embedded within the garden, and everything I thought I was or was meant to be has disengaged from terra firma.

I have no idea where I belong, and I'm fairly certain I've forgotten who I really am.

Now what?

I am missing something

...profound.

There is something fundamental that is lost when you try to find your life again, find yourself. In the process, once you've lost that vital spark of who you are, you lose bits and pieces of yourself trying to get it back again. I guess it comes down to weighing in on what is gained and what is lost when it boils down to putting the pieces back together again.

I've been doing that a lot lately...

A simple measurement---half full or half empty---is all most people need in order to fit into the big picture. I believe this is because they are still IN their big picture but haven't yet stepped back far enough to see it all. Some of us... have been removed from that big picture. This is when things simply don't feel right anymore and you find yourself watching bits and pieces of your life being lived... by other people.

Whodathunkit?

I've had to focus SO HARD on just surviving that there is nothing left over for actual living. I'm not complaining---just stating a fact. It is what it is. Every night I lay awake and try and think of new ways to reinsert myself back into what was once known as 'my life,' but I've not found anything that works. One of the reasons, I believe, is that I STILL have NO idea where I fit in. I have NO idea where I fit into my life, or anyone else's for that matter.

I've tried to see where I fit into my boyfriend's life (today is our 8 month anniversary)...and I just can't see anywhere where I fit. I'm on the outside looking in, even with him. It's 'my' existence and 'his' life, and the two are very VERY separate things. I look ahead into the future but don't see where those two roads converge. Not sure what that means, really.

Sometimes I wonder if all my trying to force myself to fit in somewhere is doing much more harm than good. I'm trying to relocate to be near someone, but... my life is still that complete separate thing. I will be living in a place where I REALLY don't fit in. I didn't grow up there, have no friends there, have no family there, have yet to find work there.... it's not a huge change from right here where I've been for 6.5 years.

...I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Where I currently live I watch other people 'live.' I watch life going on all around me... but I'm not a part of it, even when I try. Maybe I am a social pariah, as someone once told me. The shoe certainly fits, Cinderella!

It's not for a lack of trying. But that's okay. I've known my whole life I was born in the wrong era or something. I seriously, SERIOUSLY do NOT fit in here. People I know, what few I know, sometimes tell me about getting together with friends to do this or that, things I'm very much interested in. But I'm never invited. I'm not socially retarded, so it's not that I don't know how to behave in public. I really don't know what the deal is, but... it is what it is.

I spend a lot of time alone and have most of my life, most of it happening over the last few years. Sad part is.. not only am I getting used to it, but I'm getting to where I PREFER it now. A part of me gets lonely, wants people to talk to, confide in, share things with... but.. the part of me that just wants to be alone is gaining ground.

And no, I don't feel sorry for myself. I make observances and am often oddly amused by what I see.

Do I wish I fit in the world better? Sure! Do I wish I had friends and family I could hang out with, share life with, etc? Of course! Do I wish I had a place to call 'home' where I felt I belonged, no matter if I felt like an outcast everywhere else? Absolutely!!

But not having those things doesn't provoke self-pity. I just find it... weird.

Now 'weird' is something I DO get. So I guess I'll have to be content with that.... while the rest of the world goes on living around me......

The good things, the bad things... just things

I thought maybe, just maybe I would have something positive to say here today. The day was 'okay,' though not great. The anxiety is never-ending, but then... that's just a 'thing' too, isn't it? But I forced myself to go to Magnolia to do photos because it had been SO long. Frankly, it's been so long since I've been 'just me' that I'm not even sure who that person is anymore.

Yes yes.. I realize how negative this all sounds.... but here is basically the place I purge the bad, to let it flow out in a string of words, sentences, paragraphs.... sometimes ad nauseum. Be that as it may....

I'm not throwing a pity party. I don't feel 'sorry' for myself. Self-pity isn't helpful OR attractive, and I have no plans on indulging in either of those. My situation is what it is, and what I need most right now.. isn't pity... but encouragement, a little cheering on perhaps. Whatever happened to positive reinforcement, anyway?

I have plans. I have wishes. I have dreams. They all live and breathe within me in my heart of hearts. I keep these things close, hear them in my sleep and feel them stir in the quiet moments. They serve as a reminder that I'm still alive and a part of this world... not yet a ghost. So why do I feel like one? I know why... just not ready to talk about it here just yet.

I've lost so much, but those plans, those wishes, and those dreams... i'm holding onto for dear life. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can hold onto these things. But for now... I still have them.

At the moment, like so many times, there is great difficulty in speaking candidly about what's going on. At the moment, like so many times, I'm afraid to say aloud those things I think, contemplate, even know.... I'm not sure HOW to digest them in the context of my life. Yes, I realize how weird and confusing that sounds, but trust me... it's not confusing to me and makes more sense than anything else I know right now.

I am made to feel ashamed of who I am. I am made to feel unworthy on so many levels. I fight every single day to find some semblance of peace, acceptance, understanding. Yet I also feel like I'm trapped in a time in which I don't belong. Frankly, I feel like I'm from another planet most days because I simply just can't seem to fit in anywhere. And NO.. this is NOT a pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself... I simply want understanding so I can change things... if they are, in fact, able to change.

Decompression.... a soft place to fall....

I wish for both of those things. I have a desperate (yes, the 'd' word) need to take a vacation from my life, to have (just for a little while) that feeling of contentment, joy, bliss. No one can truly take a vacation from their life. I mean, not really. We can divert the mind, the body, trick ourselves into believing we are 'away from it all.' I don't have that ability, however. Not just yet anyway. But I hope to.

I want so much to just have the criticism and judgment to stop. When it comes from someone you love---it's powerful and can knock you to your knees in an instant. There has been so much lately...

I just want (need) a rest from it all. I want SO much to not have to defend myself or to be tried and convicted of being.... 'me.' GUILTY AS CHARGED!

I'm empty at the moment, so I apologize if this entry makes NO sense to you.

.....E.

I get SO close to knowing what to do....

...but when I get there to that point... something happens and I'm in full-blown doubt again.

Moving isn't easy for anyone, and it's really REALLY not easy for me at all. There's been too much moving in the latter half of my life, and I'd prefer, actually I NEED stability now. I'm not 25 anymore, so the idea of 'new places and new people' doesn't do anything for me anymore. Well, unless we're talking 'vacation.' But that's another matter.

These decisions are difficult, so when I'm faced with looking at the pros and cons of it all, I sometimes find myself unable to make a firm decision. No, well, that's not entirely true, because I HAVE made the decision to move a couple of times now and have always had something happen to make me take a step back and reconsider. Today is one of those days. Well, actually tonight is one of those nights.

I have a LOT to consider before taking that huge plunge into 'somewhere else.' Where I'm considering moving isn't home, isn't a place I'm relocating for a promotion or promising job with lots of income, nor is it a move due to wanting to be closer to family or good friends. So I have to have SOMETHING to hang onto, look forward to, some reason (other than 'love') to move. Because, let's face it... the LOVE word doesn't EVER guarantee anything, does it?

So far..any direction I look to for a move ends the same. The compass points to nowhere and nothing, just places where I would be a stranger in the midst of strangers. So what's the point? Moving for a boyfriend can be a GREAT reason to move. But it seems to me that it would make more sense if things were more stable. Am I right on this one??

And there is this other little 'thing' of late---age. Not just 'age' itself, but where I am at this late date is something I have to consider when making any decision at all... not just about moving, but about everything.

I guess at almost 49 I have to have some stability in a relationship, and when the stability is unstable then I have to consider that when making choices with regards to my life and the relationship I'm in. Since I'm NOT 25yrs old and can't see having 'my whole life ahead of me,' I can't realistically entertain the idea that if this relationship doesn't work out... then there's always next time. Cripes. Next time? No way, Jose. If I haven't gotten it right by 50.. that's IT! And this is something I made my mind up about many, many years ago.

And what life I have left ahead of me, well, I want to have happiness, joy, acceptance, adventure, love, lust, passion, excitement, stability, intimacy.... etc. And not in that particular order, mind you. But still.. you get the drift I'm sure. I really don't want one trial run after the other. I want to have stability, and I want very much to have someone to share my life with. I'm too tired to go from relationship to relationship. I'm done with that sort of thing. I've 'trialed and errored' myself to death on that one.

So this is it. This relationship I see as my last. Not being bitter. Not being melancholy. Not being cynical. I'm dead serious. I love being in love as much as anyone, but the in and out of love and change and breakups and dating and... and... ugh. I'm done. If this one doesn't work out, I'm done with the dating thing. I simply don't have the energy for it anymore.

Given that this is it, that this relationship is the last one, this makes the decision of WHERE I move or IF I move even more critical. There has to be something for me wherever I go besides just the relationship. I mean, if he broke up with me or I with him.. I'd be living somewhere where I didn't have anyone. I couldn't live like that, so I would once again be looking to move.

It's a huge life decision at this point.

Huge.

I've been waiting for that 'sign' from the Universe or God... to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I know what I WANT...

And in the meantime.. that damn compass just keeps spinning....

About that compass....

For life, that is....

It's come down to one simple fact: I have to move.

There's nothing here for me in Mobile. No sense in going into all the business as to why, so I won't do that. But it's a fact just the same, and my question now is----where do I go from here?

God.. I really wish I knew the answer to that question. At one point I thought I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but it seems that every time I make plans and ACT in moving in that direction... something goes wrong and doubt sets in.

My goal was to move to the area where my bf lives, but moving is expensive and I'm not working at the moment. There's also a plethora of 'conditions' that keep things unfavorable for a move at all. But even so, I was willing to do whatever it takes to make that move. However, I've also been seeing little things along the way that give me pause and great concern over making such a gigantic leap.

And I'm on my own anyway, no matter where I live or who I live near. Given that I tend to feel completely disconnected from anything and anyone. I guess that may be a bit confusing when it's put like that, but let me explain....

Parents both dead, and gone for MANY MANY years. No family ties to speak of (long story), and kids can't really help out because of their own financial situations, layoffs and such. I've not lived in one place long enough (thanks to my last relationship) to make any friends. No state or city I call home because there's been SO much moving all along the way.

No connections. No family ties. No friends. It's a strange, strange way to live.

I spent a couple of hours or so today looking for apartments for rent near where my bf lives, but I didn't really see or find anything helpful, especially since I don't live there and have no clue as to what areas to avoid, etc. And my last relationship wrecked my credit something fierce, so I'm screwed when it comes to the credit check for renting a place. The other thing is.. no job. And when I move.. I won't have a job. Most of the rental places say they require proof of income, and some even said 'substantial income.' What's odd about that is that the rent on a couple of those place that required a 'substantial income' were only $500/mo. Now some may not agree, but I think if one were to have a substantial income that they would be looking for something a little more upscale than what you'd get for $500/mo.

No matter. I don't really qualify for much of anything anyway. So what's next... a tent in the woods?

Well, I got way off - track with that huge paragraph above.

The point is this: I already have a decent apartment in a lovely historic neighborhood. I pay only $400/mo so it's a pretty good deal. I wish I had a bigger place so I wouldn't have to rent a storage unit. BUT... moving will deplete my savings. Moving doesn't guarantee that I won't be as alone as I am here.

The rent when I move will be much more. My bf and I have been having issues, so.... there is the possibility of having NO ONE where I live if things go very wrong. I wish things were different. I wish I felt that sense of 'safe and secure.' I wish I had a soft place to fall.

I'm being broken up with several times a month. I've recently learned he's told at least one of his ex gf's that I'm not 'it,' and his seal of fate on that really changed how I saw the relationship, my life within that relationship, my role in the world, etc. And I'm back to feeling like I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Or.. at least I've not found a place where I fit in. Doesn't mean I won't find or have that one day. I just don't have it right now. So be it.

What I want...

A place I can call home.
A place in the world where I feel safe and secure.
To feel loved ALL of the time, and not just part of the time.
To trust that the person in my life has my back as I have theirs.

I could go on forever with that list, but I won't. No need really. I want what most want. I want what most have.

Where is that soft place to fall when you need it the most?

Wow. I've NOT said so much here.

The 'fine' art of micromanaging someone else's life

I'm 48 years old, and I may have fell off the turnip truck... but it wasn't yesterday.

I spent the better part of 11 years with a person who was a complete control freak. I allowed it to happen--let's not go into the why's and where-for's of that--but I'm NOT willing to allow that to happen again. So... why does it seem as if I'm doing just that? <---rhetorical question.

I can make my own decisions, right or wrong, and I accept (as all adults should) the consequences of my decisions, actions, choices, and so forth. I'm not an idiot and my IQ is well above average, so I really don't need someone telling me constantly how to live my life. I also don't need anyone continuously telling me what I'm doing wrong either.

If someone has advice to give, fine. I can listen to advice. But there is NO law, moral, ethical, legal, etc. that says I HAVE to take the advice given and DO anything with it. My life, my choice. Period.

My tolerance for certain stressful situations these days is pretty slim. I might even venture to say that it's possible I have a 'close to zero' tolerance for stress. Along with that lack of tolerance for stress is another intolerance---being told what to do and how to do it, then being raked over the coals (so to speak) when I choose to NOT take that advice. That being said.... I'm going to try and move on to the actual subject.

I'm not okay with having joy stripped away. I'm not okay with my mood and energy being crushed when I'm feeling on top of the world. It's NOT okay to do that to me, or to anyone. It's simply not.

Today began a bit stressful, mostly due to a scheduling conflict between two very important things. No biggie. I knew I'd find a way to make it work, and worst case scenario was that one of the things may have to be put off for one day. Like I said.. no biggie. And... everything worked out wonderfully....

I was at the cusp of hearing good news about something (the something being unimportant at the moment) when.... the good news "I" was to deliver was poo poo'd and shoved indifferently to the side. But it didn't stop there.....

Not only was the good news given to me washed away in the minutes following, but my own good news wasn't 'good' according to the person I was telling. Well, let me tell you this.. trust me.. the news WAS good! Most people would have been THRILLED because, well, the person I was telling was going to benefit in more ways than one by this news.

Getting past the vagueness of the above paragraph.... the phone call was nearly ended with "So what was your good news?" Boy. That was a blow and a half. My response was simply.. "I guess I don't have any."

I was SO stressed by the lecture I was given with regards to a choice I made about my phone service (yes, it was about phone service. Go figure), SO stressed... that the anxiety was almost rendering me dysfunctional. No exaggeration. I've had more than my share of anxiety, stress, worry, etc., and I'd gotten to a place where I was mostly relaxing and not worrying overly much about anything. Worries still exist, but I was handling them. But then this 'thing' had to happen, a good thing turned 'bad' by... well, seriously, I really don't 'get it.' All I know is that it was a complete buzzkill, and I had some pretty good things happen today and didn't need it all crushed to bits.

Dammit.. I deserve to have a little peace, a little relaxation, and a little dignity! Grrrrrrr.

Why is it that some people can't seem to understand that not all of us have the same needs, likes, dislikes, ideas and ideals, etc. We make the choices we make and that should be that. In my particular case, in this particular situation.. I was left (and not for the first time, mind you) feeling as if I'd not only been talked to like I was a child, but scolded like one as well.

My money. My life. My choices. Damn the consequences!

If I mess up, then I mess up. I don't need anyone micromanaging my life to the point where I feel like a robot who's being moved about via remote control.

This won't be up long. It's a rant. And there is another part to this, though most of the pieces of this puzzle will be missing and the connection most likely won't be made unless you've heard the entire story (which I'm not posting here).

I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, and unwilling to allow this to happen to me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The art of respecting others seems to be a LOST art.

Again

I looked about at the pitiful few posts I've allowed to remain here. But then.. that's what I've always done with blogs---the posts are there a short time, then gone. Most anyway.

Again. Back here again... and why? It's rarely ever about anything good, now is it? I must sound like the most negative individual who ever existed, because all I 'sound about' here is the bad things. But then.... this particular blog IS called "My Lost and Found," and for good reason. I reserve the better stuff for "The Wishing Place." Makes sense, doesn't it?

At any rate.. "Again" means something else entirely here. And trust me.. I'm trying VERY hard NOT to be vague, but I have a real time with expressing things bluntly. I will, however, give it my best shot...

So what the title should REALLY say is "Dumped Again." Honestly.. that would be a more accurate title.

A few people know of this on again/off again relationship I'm in/out of. But just recently have I given anyone the url to this VERY private place. So be warned.. there is NO telling what you'll see or hear here, because it's my sounding board, the panic room (now that's a good title for a blog!), and sometimes even my soft place to fall.

There are times when you may think I'm simply doing the 'whoa is me' thing, but trust me... I'm really working things out here.

Now.. back to the blog, the entry, the confessional (OOH! Another good title for a blog!)....

The on again/off again relationship is now in the 'off' position. And just today I had hope... for about 2 hours. It's hard to explain, and maybe it really doesn't need explanation. But my gosh... how is it that one person can feel and give SO much and it simply not be recognized by the person they're giving it to? Let's put this another way...

Love, profound. that's what I would call it should a title or label be required. I fell pretty hard, and wow.. I really thought things would go very differently.

But you know.. in the midst of feeling SO much love and adoration for someone...I never felt so unwanted and unliked. And I promise you I'm not being cruel or unkind or mean-spirited by saying this. I've even told him.. "You may love me, but I don't think you like me."

It's true. At least from where I'm sitting, on the receiving end, it's true. And it's heartbreaking.

*sigh* It's 2:47am and I'm exhausted beyond anything I've known (another talk show). So this topic is going to take several entries, I'm afraid.... so bear with me.. more tomorrow....

...Tomorrow... July 4th. :( I was supposed to spend the holiday with the man I'm in love with. Best I let that one go for now.

In the meantime... until I post more on this later today... I'm including the lyrics to a song that just simply seems to fit. It's been here on the blog for some time, and you can hear it now.. or should hear it now on the player...

Tragic Figure
by Assemblage 23

Once you had it all
And threw it all away
Day became your night
Night became your day

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How you turned up here?

Peel away the layers
Wash away the past
Progress that you made
Never seemed to last

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How you turned up here?

You are just a ghost
You are just a shell
You are just a shadow
But its just as well

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How your turned up here?

No so simple

I frequently delete the blogs here. I've always done this. One reason is because I'm using these blogs as, well, a sounding board of sorts, a place to vent, speculate, to 'see' what needs. Sadly, the times I feel most compelled to post is when things aren't going right. Today is no exception. Okay, fine. If you don't want to read the rant... exit stage left, darlings. ;)

There's really nothing to rant about, but I am feeling a little on the low side today. Didn't start out like that, and in fact I awoke (though tired) with a sense of purpose, and a sense of that elusive feeling of 'belonging.' That's how it all began anyway.

However...something went awry. When doesn't it?

I've most likely been focusing on the wrong things lately, though I believe most of the time I'm doing the right thing, in the right frame of mind, etc. But again and again I'm reminded how fragile this 'state' of being is with me. It's just too damn easy to derail that positivity. Sheesh.

....refraining from stating the obvious here.

It would be so much easier to keep that positive mindset if there were more positive things in my life, too... less negativity, less criticism...

Oh well.