In the end... it doesn't even matter.

On the most haunted days I know it does.  It's always mattered.

A Whirlwind of Bullshit

Juvenile Ruby-Throated Hummingbird Scratching an itch, Summer 2018

Long lags between blog entries, and most of you know that normally means a flare up.  Living with SLE and Sjogren's is just what it is, and there's really no reason to fight against something that does have the ultimate control.  The only REAL control is how we react to the symptoms and resulting halts to those parts of life we relish.  So why is it that being sick brings back the worst of memories, worse than being sick itself, but of one making me feel like shit for being sick in the first place.  All words and silences leading to "I don't love you when you're sick, and your illness impedes on my happy time."  In what universe is this even normal?

In the universe of the chronically self-centered NOT being the center of the universe isn't tolerated one bit, and how DARE anyone be sick, unhappy, sad, depressed, worried or anxious in their presence.  Like self-declared royalty, malignant narcissists banish and punish those from their lives at a whim for the one, horrid crime of.... simply being human.  Yes, how DARE we be human!  Thing is, long-term abuses such as this have long-lasting effects, and ones that don't go away.  Can the effects be minimized?  Somewhat, yes.  But they will never be gone, and there is no actual "Cure" for PTSD.  Oh wait.  Did I just say PTSD? Yep, and it's the experts who explain it best.  Either way, wether we accept that our reactions to things are based on those traumatic experiences it doesn't change the fact that it's, well fact.  "Face it kiddo... that guy did a real number on you."

The results: feeling bad, guilty, less-than, ashamed, small and diminished, like a piece of shit... because I'm sick.  The is just a fact.  One not-so-simply-explained fact that I will have to live with the rest of my life, because I made a grave mistake of not seeing the warning signs early enough to stop myself from walking right into the flames.  The scars, though on the inside, are permanent now, and the guilt, shame and the rest are always there, forcing me to press on no matter how sick I am or why, pushing myself to the point where I nearly end up in the hospital.  Even though I recognize what's happening, I still can't seem to stop it.

If you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist... GET OUT NOW!  If you've been in one and are now out but experiencing trauma from the experience... get help now!

I'm out.  Still sick but recovering.

Be well, everyone....

When someone asks for help but refuses help

It's time to be blunt.  After a time even I can recognize sugar-coated shit as, well, shit.  Recently I've been handed a silver platter filled with sugar-coated shit, and I have to say I'm not at all tolerant of it this time around.  I mean, seriously.  Passive/aggressive is STILL fucking aggressive, and those who partake in that bullshit are total ASSHOLES, or BITCHES as the case may be.  How's that for not sugar-coating things?!

Freaking don't ask for my help and then make it impossible for me to help!  FUCK!

Yep.  I'm pissed, and I don't give a damn who knows it, or who likes it or not.  I don't have time in my life for lame-ass games.  You're NOT that important, and you don't own me.  If I VOLUNTEER to help you, don't shit on me in the process and make it sound as if you've done me a favor!  It's the other way around.  Bitch!

By now I'm sure you see why I usually cool off before speaking my mind.  Thing is, I often end up not saying a damn thing if I wait too long, mostly because I've found over the last couple of relationships and all they had to TEACH me... that NO ONE is worth burning out your energy just to make them happy or feel powerful.  SCREW THAT and anyone who tries to do that to me.

This shit is a whole lot like giving someone a key to your house because you asked them to clean it for you while you're away (for FREE), then taking the key back on day 1 because your freaking vacuum wouldn't work.  And no, the isn't the scenario I speak of, but due to the nature of the situation I can't be blunt about the details to that extent.  But honestly, this is a whole lot of control freak crap, and I've had enough of that shit to last me two lifetimes.  NO.  THANK.  YOU!

Where is the appreciation?  Where is the small amount of humility that renders being grateful a genuine feeling?  Since WHEN is it customary to play childish power games with someone YOU asked for help?

I can only say the help that was asked for was online, requiring I give up a good portion of my free time on a daily basis to HELP, and it comes with no compensation.  I don't require or ask for compensation and know it's on a volunteer basis.  Yet still.... can you fucking not treat me with respect while I'm doing what YOU asked and what YOU need?

OMG WTF?  Seriously.

It's not my fault that a web site isn't functioning properly so I can do what you ask.  It's not my business to fix what is outside of my control.  It's YOUR situation, and I'm only ONE person who has no power to change the technical issues YOU are having.

Some days, I swear, I just think I'm sick of doing things for people because of the lame bullshit I get in return.  WHERE in any of this is it worth me wasting my time... just so you can play power trip queen and make it impossible for me to actually do anything.

So you've got the key to the house, know your vacuum is fucked, and you're asking ME to let you know when my 'problem is solved'??  The problem is YOU!

UGH!!!!!

Secrets From A House On A Bluff....

Living in a house on a bluff means seeing and hearing some of nature's most fascinating children.  These are just some of their stories.

2018. Winter, Spring, early Fall.

So many photos, many taken through a window with bird screen.  But the memories are there, which is the most important thing of all.

Nothing vs Something. It's never as easy as that.

It's been a long and trying road going from most of my life without health insurance to having good health insurance.  While I waited and prayed for answers to what was wrong with me, when the answers began showing themselves it seems to be more a tidal wave of information, rather than simple enlightenment.  I'm reeling a bit from it all and processing the information as it arrives.  Still, there's just so much information, as well as unanswered questions, that the weight of it all leaves me numb.  The lack of a support network makes this process, this experience... trying all the more.  All I can do is continue.  What else is there?

I'm scheduled for a fine needle aspiration biopsy next week, as it seems the 'benign' thyroid cyst I had a couple years ago is now a large, solid, hypervascular lesion/mass that now requires a biopsy to rule out cancer.  This mass can now be felt and seen, so something has definitely changed.  Not sure if it's the cyst that transformed into this hardened mass for some reason, or a completely new thing.  That's always fun, right?

Then there's the waiting for my follow-up with my pulmonologist to go over the CT w/contrast results for the possible PAVM.  out of the two scenarios this is the one I really don't like at all.  Hopefully the results are that it's NOT a PAVM.  The radiologist's report listed the large thyroid mass first, rather than the lesion in my lung.  Maybe because the thyroid mass was more concerning.  We'll see.  And all of this is really only a backdrop to the everyday occurrences that truly make life an annoying endeavor.  Honestly.  Some people do tend to be so absent and indifferent, and I wonder why I would keep anyone in my life who wasn't really there to begin with.  Ah, but this is also history repeating itself, isn't it?

It absolutely is.

Inevitably I'm brought back to reviewing past mistakes, especially the more recent ones, and looking for understanding as to why I've allowed people to do so much damage to me along the way, why I didn't have my own back and protect myself, why I extended so many forgivenesses to those who really didn't deserve them.  One thing I can say about T is that what he's doing, for the most part, is really just coasting along on autopilot, rather than being an active participant in this life we're sharing.  In so many ways I believe my having gone through as much as I have the last several years has left me somewhat changed, and though there may be a lack of permanence to these changes, they're still there, holding fast.

Specifically, what does it say about a person who turns an indifferent ear to another's pain?  When someone reaches out and your response is indifference or lame ass platitudes, what does that say about you?  Callous, is one word that comes to mind.  Selfish, is yet another.  Selfish, because that sort of behavior is fully self-preserving, not wanting to burst your happy little bubble by submitting yourself to someone else's pain and need for friendship, understanding, encouragement, comfort.  I can't say T is doing all of those things, but indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

Indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

I've experienced that in the last relationship, him offering the worst behavior and the worst times, actions and words often peppered with a heavy dose of passive-aggressive cowardice.  Oh, and I have pics of him doing it.  You see, it's easy to take pics of someone when they're in full-blown drama mode and doing everything in their power to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I'll never forget the incidence, the place, the experience, the cruelty, and the nightmare of a drive back to my apartment.  Things like this tend to stick to you once exposed.  Forgetting is one thing, letting it go another.  So far.. I'm unable to do both, and probably because I literally should've told him that very day to go fuck himself.

It's a battle for me now, opening up to anyone.  While I was never an in-your-face type with sharing or talking about personal issues and experiences (still am not), it got so much worse due to my previous 'relationship' (using that word loosely).  I learned to not trust, to not believe my eyes, my ears, my instincts.  Yes, I'm working on repairing all of that, but I may very well need help to accomplish my goal.  Getting back to myself again has been years in the works now.  If I'd only known then what I know now I would've run like the devil was at my heels.

Feeling like crap, so I'm out for now.

Till next time.....

Few & Far Between

August 2018:  Size doesn't always matter.  Juvenile male Ruby-Throated Hummingbird chooses, not the most colorful or larger flower, but the one that bears what he needs to survive.

Such is the case with just about everything these days, constantly in the 'hurry up and wait' mode while both bored and anxious at the same time.  Life is what it is, as I've said a thousand times before.  Roll with it, fight against it, or just accept it.  Who says we have to choose just one way to deal with that which we can hardly deal with?  I'm doing things my way, despite anyone's opinion.  My health sucks, and I feel like shit.  I don't need anyone's permission to feel anything at all.

My choices aren't always the best, and the 'good feeling' that comes from making the right choices are actually few & far between.  Having had my head messed with (to put it MILDLY) for most of my life by people I trusted, and most often those I loved, has left those invisible scars that are, for the most part, the only things holding me together now.  I've never claimed to be perfect.  I do believe I'm being careful, thinking it all out, being reasonable, and deciding on the right choice given when I have to go on at the time.  Yes, I do believe that.  Many times in the last few years I've been SO wrong.  Dealing with the aftermath of said choices sucks beyond reason, and those experiences also leave scares of their own, and ones I really don't know how to function with in the everyday world.

I feel mostly as if I'm not functioning at all.

My world exists in that one mode, the 'few and far between' events that mark anything good or joyful in my life.  Everything comes with a price, and T works very hard (though he won't admit it) to make sure, ALWAYS make sure that I know what the price is.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Having the minutia raining over me constantly is enough to break my give-a-shitter beyond repair.  Somehow, I always find my way back to giving a crap again, but damned if I don't know HOW I manage to do that.  Maybe it's just pure, old-fashioned will.

Bring me the happy events, the joy-filled moments without some ass-hat (male or female) coming along to fuck it all up.  Is that really too much to ask?  Give me a damn minute to breathe every day, not just on occasion when I manage to steal a bit of time for myself where I'm not having to deal with whatever was dumped on me that day.

Any single thing I've done, or experienced, etc. has had something nasty and negative attached to it, again... via T.  He can't be happy for me on any level, and even if it's just something simple.  So much questioning, so much complaining, that barely hidden look of disapproval.

It just makes me tired, you know?  Spending my time being sick and painful, lonely and so freaking lost that I have no idea where my life is going or who the hell I am... is too much most days.

Dammit.

I need those little things in life, the ones I need to survive.  Who's listening?

Till next time......

I am...

July 2018:  Juvenile male Ruby Throated Hummingbird eagerly approaching the Ember's Wish Salvias planted just for him, and all of these garden jewels.

In the throes of indifference, mainly that from another..rather than from oneself, is a state of 'being' that isn't really being at all.  My mom always said there is a vast difference between 'living' and 'existing.'  But where in all things 'life' does 'being' even come in?  Everyone talks about 'being,' writes poems, screenplays, books... about 'being.'  But what the hell is it exactly?

Who the hell cares, though, right?

Only in the current context of my life does it really matter, at least to me.  T's indifference is so thick and heady, oppressive in just about every way, that I question sometimes if I'm actually here or not.  No, not in the literal sense, but... more like questioning everything I am, who I am.  That's pretty significant, no matter who you are.  In those too-dark minutes during the night, this is when we're visited by reality, and one that rarely shuts up no matter what we do to silence that truthful voice.  In some ways it's necessary, needed, but in others that much sought after bliss of ignorance skirts the edges of what we want, and what we know.  Understand?

More than anything I want to be done with it all, sick of the ridiculous and crappy 'surprises' that comes with trusting men to do the right thing.  DISCLAIMER:  I know ALL men aren't bad, lazy, arrogant, ego-driven or self-centered (to list just a few traits).  But in my experience it's been way more times than not.

My life is in limbo.  Again.  Freaking again!  Why the hell do I even bother to trust what T (or any other dude that's been in my life)?  Rhetorical question.  Yet still, I do wonder why I've not learned to be SKEPTICAL.  A bit of skepticism would've done me great favors throughout my life.  But hell no, "I" had to trust blindly.  My bad!

The end result of all these lovely experiences (sarcasm) is that I now, at this late date, DO NOT trust. Aside from my sons (all good men with kind hearts), what's the point in trusting outside of the ones I know that well?  I don't see any up-side to it at all.

I am me.  I like what I like, dislike what I dislike, and I've finally arrived to a place in my life where I won't ever compromise myself for yet another selfish, egotistical, BLIND fool who thinks he can simply regard the fact that I 'am.'  Indifference is an UGLY trait in any person, no matter who you are, what you have, what you look like or claim to be.  It's UGLY, and it's far more poisonous than hate will ever be.

Ah, screw it.  I'm done thinking of this for the day.  Maybe, just maybe.. tomorrow I'll live.

Indifference--the death of connection, respect, and eventually... love.

A very hot day for this young cardinal going through his first molt.  With several bird baths to choose from, all of nature's beautiful children can find food, shade, water, and a bath when most needed.  With heat index temperatures reaching 103+ ... how could I not offer something as simply as clean water for them?  It's the least I can do.

Let me begin by saying.. I'm going to completely avoid discussing the worst of my disappointments from today, as reliving them yet another moment is beyond what I can physically and emotionally handle at the moment.  It's not that I'm avoiding the topic as much as I'm allowing myself time to think, assess, and find my strength to deal with it another day.  This is in direct contrast to the way I usually deal with important and/or life-altering information that demands, well, addressing.  So be it. This time I'm doing it my way.

Functioning in a one-sided relationship isn't something I've not experienced before (duh), and most of us have been there, done that, right?  But experience certainly doesn't do a damn thing to make this any easier, dealing with an indifferent and emotionally-lazy guy.  I guess I'm surprised at how many "Grown" men are still this selfish, this childish, where simply floating along in one's life without regard to anyone else in it seems, well, second nature.  Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

Seriously, there's NOTHING about a man-child that's sexy.  Nothing at all.

Oh, but I can hear the 'buts' even now.  'Oh, but I work and hold a job!"  Um, there are young kids who do yard work, deliver newspapers (not so much these days though), and do other odd jobs on a regular basis.  So tell me how having a job defines you as being a 'man'?  And yes, I'm using the word "You" loosely here.  But trust me... if this strikes a nerve, then... as they say.. if the shoe fits, Cinderella.

But I digress...

I suppose not everyone has the same criteria for what a 'man' actually is.  But then... that's not what this entry is about anyway.  No sense in focusing on the differences in my definition and anyone else's, because we're all smart enough to understand what it is I'm talking about.  Either way, today was riddled by man-child-isms from beginning to end.  I'm at my wits end dealing with this crap, for sure.

Oh, but he's not a narcissist like the other guy!  True.  Still, that doesn't mean his behavior is respectful, compassionate, or even loving.  One doesn't have to be a monster to do harm to another, and failing to hear, understand and avoid certain disrespectful and hurtful behaviors doesn't cost a dime nor burn a single calorie.  It's not rocket science.

At the end of the day it comes down to a few simple truths, ones that you can either look at, acknowledge and sleep easy, or ones that you may have known weren't kind or respectful or caring but didn't care that they were, opting for the easiest thing that takes little to no effort.  Guess which T chose?  So now it really is the end of the day, and I'm sitting here in the dark writing a blog entry and wondering why the hell he just simply wanted to go take a nap while I sat here in tears.  Oh, he offered a split second platitude, but it had nothing behind it whatsoever.  What he really wanted was to just go chill, lay down, play on Facebook, and nap.

Whatever.

So where does that leave me?  Isn't this the usual question after all the bullshit?  Well, where it leaves me is feeling more and more like it's once again time to take my life back, to actually LIVE despite what some dude wants.  I don't need permission to go about the business of my life.

More later.....

The Frightening Truth: Pathological Narcissists Groom Victims Like Child...

How the Narcissist Uses The Silent Treatment to CONTROL YOU

SIGNS THAT HE'S A NARCISSIST!

Part II, as promised.

Spring 2018: Mourning doves snuggling before mating.  Doves are some of the sweetest birds on the planet, and I feel blessed having them visit my yard every day.

Yesterday I made the decision to switch from a Keto eating plan back to low-cal, low-carb, low-fat.  Honestly, I never thought it would work, but eating breads, pastas, anything with a lot of sugar, etc. simply doesn't work very well for my body.  And when it comes to eating a moderate protein/high fat diet... it doesn't take very long before I can't even stomach the thought of eating more meat, eggs, cheese, fat.. fat.. fat.  Yes, it does speed up fat loss better than most plans, but my body isn't feeling well.  So, what could it be that makes my body feel this crappy?  SLE symptoms, Sjogren's symptoms, medication to bring those symptoms under control, diet?  I've no idea, but it sure doesn't help this challenging situation one bit.

I'm on day 3 at the moment of this diet change, and my body feels like crap.  On one hand, I can eat a more balanced diet this way, but on the other hand... my stomach can't hold much in the way of food.. which means my caloric intake is crazy low, usually below 600 calories/day.  Trying to handle the chores inside and out of this house has become, and pretty much has been a serious uphill battle for me.  While the SLE & Sjogren's symptoms persist.. I'm left with very little to drive my body to get everything done.  I'm often completely spent by 1pm or 2pm, and I can barely stay awake at 8pm.  Yes, I get up early, but I'm getting enough sleep.  So what gives, and how the hell do I fix this dilemma?

The major driving factor in this malaise is emotional, however, and as long as that remains 'as-is' I've no chance of fully healing and regaining strength, endurance, or good health.  The days, afternoons and nights are heavy with the undercurrent of anxiety and stress, most of which are powered by mistrust.  T is fabulous at his job, extremely intelligent (genius IQ), but he's not driven when it comes to other important aspects of life, such as the responsibilities of relationships and personal life in general.  It's very hard on me to carry it all, to be the one carrying the relationship and handling EVERYTHING indoors and out.  Working 8 hours a day would be a vacation compared to this.  But what can I do?

There's simply no motivating someone who isn't interested in anything, someone completely content with letting everything (but his job) fall to the wayside because it's simply easier.  Whoever said everything should be 'easy' has likely got shitty relationships and a filthy, cluttered home.  And I'm not kidding.

I'm not a Jill of All Trades, nor do I want to be.  I also don't want to be completely used up as a person within the next couple of years or so.  The latter is likely going to be the case if T doesn't get up off his ass and start sharing in responsibilities here at home.  I mean, seriously.

We purchased yard/gardening equipment, but I assure you it's not for T to use, but for me to use.  They're also STILL sitting in the boxes and have been for the better part of 2 months now.  No matter how much I ask, beg, etc.... he just finds ways to procrastinate and NOT put anything together.  And yes, I've tried, but I can't get down on the floor to assemble everything, especially the heavier items like my solid wood gardening bench.  I mean, assembly for someone able to do it means.. they get the easy part.  The hard part is getting out in this crazy heat and humidity and sun, the latter of which I'm not supposed to get out in because it triggers flares of SLE and Sjogren's.  Still, I'm the one out there doing the work, pretty much all of it.

I'm worn out.  When is life going to actually begin?  When do I actually GET a life?  Can anyone even answer that, because I sure the hell can't.

The chores never, ever, EVER end.  No exaggeration.

Speaking of which... I'm off to do chores now....

I dream of a life of my own.  One day... maybe one day.

He was a good dad.

Mockingbird dad with one of his fledglings.  This is one of the last few photos I took of him (and his babies) before he was taken by a Cooper's Hawk.  In nature... the cycle of life is just what it is, but this loss saddens me deeply.  Funny how close one becomes with nature's beautiful children when quiet respect for them is put forth first, when gentle observance is the order of the day and any situation  I miss his songs and his presence, and the way he tolerated my presence in the most surprising ways.  I hope the little ones are off onto their own territories and enjoying their new world and lives.  Be safe, little ones.  Be safe.

Long gaps between entries here doesn't mean nothing is going on.  In fact, usually the long silences are do to something very much going on in my life, and it's most often of the unpleasant variety.  Honestly, trying to even begin to explain what's transpired over the last several weeks is nearly impossible, and some things... are just difficult for me to wrap my head around, much less share it out in the open.  Some of it's personal, and some of it is absolutely, deeply personal.  Sharing the latter with anyone is the hardest.  Few understand me, and even fewer understand that which rocks my world---both in a positive or negative way.  Still, I will try and share what's rocked my world lately, as hard as it will be.

The undercurrent in my life is being, well, separated from a 'normal' life.  For most, as it is for me, that means 'living' (using the word loosely) in a severed state, if you will, from people.  This isolation has been coming on and getting worse over the years, and it seems to get far worse the sicker I get, and the more I end up in a situation where the guy in my life becomes the only real human contact I have.  The only thing that truly feels like 'me' anymore is my love of animals, nature, and photography.  Those things, above and beyond all else, will never change.  How far I can submerse myself, however, does change and is dependent on the other aspects of my experiences here on planet earth.  It's an often sad, lonely, and very happy existence when one is forced to live outside their natural norms, and when the most of the responsibility for everything inside and outside the house, property is left to me, even when my body isn't up to what I, and T, have demanded of it.

My days aren't completely joyless, however.  A pair of bluebirds checked out one of our nest boxes for a few days, and trust me.. that's a blessing considering our yard and area isn't their type of habitat. They prefer open areas, whereas our area and property is heavily wooded.  There's also a gorgeous male Summer Tanager that's been hanging out and singing from the trees, probably trying to attract a mate.  So, while this life I'm in leaves much to be desired, I have my moments of joy and beauty.

I'm a little spent at the moment, and I've lost the flow of things here.  I'll amend that with a part II soon.  Til next time.....

Life? I think not.

Secrets From A House On A Bluff, April 2018. One of two mockingbird fledglings the dad brought to where we put mealworms out for them.  He's a good dad.

It's been awhile.  Again.  I know, I know.  Sometimes, well actually most times, life itself gets in the way of my doing anything else but putting out fires someone else has set.  And yes, I also know this is pretty much an echo of things that I've spoken about here.  No big surprise there, really.  So then, what makes this time different?  To be honest, absolutely nothing has changed.  It's not different, which is the problem.  No surprise there either.

There isn't a day I don't dig and think and contemplate and troubleshoot how to fix this miserable mess I've once again gotten myself into.  The only way to truly avoid this crap is to not get in it to begin with (duh!).  One day I'll figure out how to not buy into the bullshit most guys try to feed me when things are new, and when I'm most vulnerable and want to believe that most people, even guys, are good.  My understanding at this point is that it's better said than done, because this world is full of frauds and bullshitters who've faked their way through life so much they actually believe their own crap.

Expecting perfection from others isn't the problem.  The problem, at least in my case, is that I forgive people's flaws, even the ones that are, in essence, unforgivable.  My bad completely.  I've dealt with a long line of liars and cheats, frauds and narcissists (which are the very worst), and they often all come in pretty packaging.  No, I'm not referring to looks but the facade they try to pass off as their personality, who they actually are.  As always, the day or reckoning always, ALWAYS comes, and here I sit, once again, bewildered as to how I could've managed to fall for it again.

No worries.  I know where I am in this.

Oh now, it isn't THAT bad.  Oh, yes it is.  In fact, to the backdrop of recent health diagnosis it's beyond bad.  Experiences such as this makes me lose faith in humanity, what little I had for it anyway.  Mostly I find people lacking and disappointing to a painful degree.

Yeah, I'm here talking and leaving all the details out.  The details aren't easy to talk about, and they're painful on a deeply human level.

"I see humans, but no humanity."  Not sure who originated that statement, but no truer words were ever spoken.

A Diagnosis. Finally. But then....

It's been a minute, I know.  Symptoms galore, no energy, pain, you name it.  After going to a few rheumatologists to be left with more questions than answers, being dismissed because lab values that are off don't tell the story.  So I decided to go back to the rheumatologist, where my journey for answers (and hopefully help) began.  I'm so glad I did.  Thank you, voice of intuition, for guiding me.

I walked away today with a diagnosis (two actually) and a prescription for what I call "A scary drug."  Most drugs given for autoimmune issues are hard-core, which is why doctors don't jump on a diagnosis unless there's reason.  These medications can cause some serious side effects.  Given this, I'm a little numb at the moment, and I'm telling myself "Denial isn't a river in Egypt."  Still, I'll have to work myself towards acceptance, at least of one of the 2 anyway.

Sjogren's and SLE.  The first I suspected, but the second... not so much.  Compliment labs were ordered to help confirm, though he did diagnose me and hand me the Rx, so in a way I'm hoping he changes his mind about the SLE.  Sjogren's is a nasty AI disease, though, so 6 of one and half dozen of the other.  So why was I not surprised by the first diagnosis??  That's easy---a few years ago I was told by another physician that he thought I had it, then my Ophthalmologist said the same thing.  My Ophthalmologist treats patients for eye issues related to Sjogren's, and my Schirmer's test came back a "1" in one eye, and a "2" in the other.  Normal is above 5.

I'm tired so am signing off.  I will do my best to post more often....

Till next time.....

Re-Assessing Priorities

Facebook is incredibly boring.   I know WAY too many people completely addicted to it, and I just cannot for the life of me understand what the allure is.  Posting memes, ranting and raving about politics, religion, and so on, bragging about one thing or another, airing of personal dirty laundry, and showing everyone what you just ate.  I just don't get it.  I really don't.

The topic of facebook is boring, too.  If it weren't for having a TON of photography on there, I wouldn't even bother.

....I can feel myself falling asleep as I type this....

"Can't text busy"

Female Northern Cardinal before sunset. 2018

Life is a funny thing, isn't it?  And people.. are even funnier, spending their time and energy as if they've been given some guarantee that they have, well, all this 'time.'  But let's be honest.  NO one has any guarantee they'll be here next year, next month, week.  Hell, we've no idea if we'll be here the next minute.  So why do so many decide to aim their focus on those things that, truth be told, just don't matter in the long run.  Such as... saving 30 seconds to a minute responding to a simple text message that was sent in order to give information, not to inspire a conversation?

I gave up trying to figure T out.  In my last relationship it did take me a bit longer to understand that some people simply aren't worth your time and energy, but this time it's different.  VERY different.  I don't waste my time now, and I pick and choose where what little precious energy I have goes.  What I have learned in the last 6+ years is that the only person who has my back is me.  Oh, there've been a lot of lip service from some, but my eyes are open to the disingenuous nature of some.

That middle place is the worst.  Trying to give him information he needs isn't always easy.  There's the "Can't text busy" and the "Wish you'd told me before I got home."  Good grief.  Can't have it both ways, pal.  You don't want the information, you can wait till you get home.

Dumbest damn thing to worry about, don't you think?  I mean, when I get a text I can't answer, or if I can't have a text convo with that person right then, I just ignore the text till I can talk, or I send a text telling that person that I'm busy but we could talk later.  Outside of an actual emergency, what else is there?  But seriously.... must we waste time, LIFE on this crap?  Way to shut a person down.

There honestly isn't a good time to talk to him, either in person or on the phone/text.  His priorities are screwed beyond reason.  His 'free' time is spent with his face in his phone, or he's sitting on the sofa in front of the tv.  I mean, that's all fine and good, but if someone is trying to talk to you... put the damn phone down.  And this scenario played out so long always ends up with choosing to talk to someone else.  This puts me right back to a question I have to ask myself nearly every single day:  WHY am I here again?  To this day I still don't have an answer.

"There's a million ways to communicate"... said no one EVER.  Communication is a VERB.  There is a speaker, a listener, and the roles interchange throughout the process.  DUH.  Yeah, I know... but you'd be surprised how many people just don't get this.

So what then do I do with all the people out there who say "I'm here if you need to talk"?  I did tell T that I have to be able to talk to another human being, that being inside and alone most of the time, even when he's home, isn't working for me and never will.

I told him that I guess it's time for me to take those other people up on the offer to talk.  His response?  "You can talk to me."

Uh, sorry dude, no I can't.

Tripped.

Pursuing a better state of health shouldn't ever be met with push-back from those who claim to care about you.  Making decisions, often hard ones, to better one's health also shouldn't be met with push-back or arguing, or otherwise discouraging talk or behavior.  In my case, there's no tolerance for people who do this.  But it wasn't always this way.  It took a minute, but I did learn.

"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

I haven't forgotten.  Yet, even in the current relationship I'm most often in self-preservation mode, and not by choice.  As an adult I should be allowed to choose what I need to do in order to be healthy, or as healthy as I possibly can be.  So why is it do damned hard for some guys to understand that choices made for my health are not always about THEM?  I'm not sure I'll ever understand this very irritating trait.  But thank God not all guys are like that.

So what do I do when every pursuit, every additional step in the right direction is like someone just stuck out their foot and tripped me on my way to my goal?

Why can't T just freaking let me BE, let me BREATHE, THRIVE?  While this is not the first time someone's done this to me, I am quite intolerant of the selfish BS at this point.  My last relationship also had me scrambling to fight for my health, to breathe, to thrive, and I ended up paying an enormous price for that too.  So much stress, constant, chronic, unrealistic demands made of me, and so much worse, that I ended up in the hospital with a TIA near the end of that relationship.  But that scare became a significant turning point in my life, and I will let NO MAN ever do that to me again.  So then, how do I handle the same selfish BS that T displays?

The "Problem" isn't really a "Problem" at all.  In fact, today... it was ludicrous how the whole argument came about.  The 'problem' (for T) was a recipe for the diet I'm on, a low-carb diet.  Searching the database of recipes was easy, and it was a bit of fun too.  But the recipes I chose brought forth a stream of push-back from T that left me wanting to give up completely.  Now THAT was a familiar feeling.  I cannot go 'there' again.  I cannot let some dude dictate or derail my choices as an adult.  This diet is NOT about HIM.  It's about my life, the long or short of it.  Simple enough.

Why the hell must I fight for my life every single day against someone who could give two shits?  I don't.  And I know this.

But honestly, how stupid is it to argue about a recipe?  Oh, his 'problem' with the recipe is that it calls for a whole chicken.  WTF?  Who cares?  If he doesn't like it he doesn't have to eat it.  This is a guy who is happy with a can of raviolis, and I mean that literally.  Whatever.  I can't eat that way.  But this really isn't so much about the recipe or how I eat, now is it?  Nope.  It's about his need to control.  These things always boil down to that.  Always.

Same with the last relationship.  Control, control, control.  The ONLY person who should be controlling me is ME.  Don't tell me what to do, how to talk, what to think, how to dress.... just don't. I don't care who you are or who you think you are---DON'T.

Spooky.

Resident mockingbird checking out the carport.

Every month there is yet another appointment to see a doctor, be it specialist or primary care, it's every month, usually more than once per month, and sometimes several times a week.  It's par for the course with autoimmune issues, heart issues... and unsolved autoimmune issues.  When labs change and something new shows up that means another visit to someone.  Today I met with a new neurologist who, I must say, was a unique and attentive doctor.  Those medical professionals who listen, pay attention, who not only talks but listens... are rare.  And sometimes, the words that come out of their mouths can be only explained as... spooky.

The words came out of his mouth and left me a little shaken.  No, it wasn't a grave diagnosis but insight of some brand I didn't even know existed.  I don't for a moment believe it were mere coincidence, as I don't believe in coincidences of any kind.  Everything happens for a reason, everything has a purpose, a lesson, always something to remember for future reference.  Our experiences teach.  Simple enough.  Right?  But when my neurologist spoke today nothing at all seemed 'simple' anymore.

"It's overwhelming to be in pain, to feel weakness in the body.  When it goes on for so long it wears a person down.  At some point, if it goes on too long, people reach a breaking point, and they can break down.  Your story isn't finished yet.  Your ANA is very high, significantly high.  I'm not happy that it is high, but it is a significant finding that could point your rheumatologist in the right direction."

Why is this so 'spooky'?  Easy enough.  Though today wasn't the only day I've told T that all his indifference and disrespect has pushed me for the better part of 4 years to the point where I can't take it anymore, but his actions (and INactions) pile on the work for me.  This extra work is and has taken a huge toll on my body, because whatever is wrong is getting much worse, and I'm weaker, in more pain, and it's hard for me to get myself through the mundane tasks that must be dealt with each day.  When I pay the price for his choices, and after this long... my patience has been shattered, my tolerance and nil.  And this morning his choices chose FOR ME what I have to do tomorrow.  The extra work I have to do tomorrow to clean up the mess which was his fault today was more than I could bear this morning.

He drove me to my appointment (long story why that was today) and I was FURIOUS with him for having yet again determined what I have to do with my time.  These days he leaves so many messes for me to clean up, chores to do that he decided not to do.. for WEEKS or MONTHS... that I'm flat out overwhelmed and feeling like something is going to give, and that something... is me.  I told him this yet again today on the way to the appointment.

"I can't take this shit anymore!"

I said the words, but not for the first time.  I've actually told him.. "How the hell does a human being live like this without breaking down?"  I've said, and in no uncertain terms, that if he didn't start pulling his weight, stop acting like a child who has a mommy running along behind him with a dustpan and broom, that if he didn't stop making my life hard as HELL... my body and health were going to continue to break down.

Spooky.  On the heels of a frantic, anxious, stressed-out conversation with T over this very thing my neurologist brings up the subject as if he'd been sitting in the backseat of our car the entire way to his office.

Nothing in our conversation would suggest where I was emotionally with the stresses of my health, chronic pain, chronic fatigue and more weird symptoms than you could ever imagine... on a daily basis.  I think he's intuitive, and I think he gets what happens to a person when too much is put on them when they're not well, when their body is giving way to some unseen and unknown force that is sapping the life out of them.  I think he gets that everyone has a breaking point, which is yet another thing he mentioned when discussing how long, how many years I've had to deal with this.

Spooky.  And not coincidental.

I sat there looking at him, and I honestly didn't know what to say.  I wanted to cry.  I mean, when was the last time ANYONE understood what's going on with me?  But this doctor gets it.  And I sat there fighting the tears and not speaking.  What could I possibly say?  At that moment I couldn't speak even so.

Some days are just like this.  Today someone understood without my having to explain.

Spooky.

Let me catch my breath.

Sharp Shinned Hawk on the hunt.  February 2018.

There are a hundred scenarios when life can go right, and many times more than that where it can go incredibly wrong.  The resulting lowered expectations of chronic disappointment means fighting with those inner voices every single day that tell me "Give up.  It's not going to happen."  A lie disguised as truth tends only to muddy the waters that were once clear with answers.  But we expect, don't we?  We expect honor, loyalty, honesty, and respect.  How such fundamentally necessary components of a good relationship can become so twisted is beyond me.  It doesn't happen by itself.  Malice is ugly, and its only goal is to do harm.  Still, we expect.  "I" expect.  As is the case with humans, is it not?

Expecting the best.  Is this an unremarkable consideration in my current circumstance?  Am I wasting my time even thinking I should be treated with respect, kindness?  Is it truly unreasonable to expect the person I'm with to treat me with the dignity I deserve?  I think not.  But I do believe the most morally lazy of people are those who treat others with blatant disrespect, even cruelty... and without regret.

Give me room to breathe, to think, to ponder, to just be still inside!

As with my last relationship I find myself wasting precious time chasing my tail, constantly putting out fires and reaching the end of the day wondering where my life went.  In the last relationship it was about meeting demands and expectations, most of which were disturbingly unreasonable.  In the current... I'm dealing with someone who walks through life as if he has a servant following behind him.  But then, doesn't he?  The two situations couldn't be more different, yet they parallel in several ways.  So which one is the most damaging?

In the last relationship my narcissist would use stonewalling as a 'punishment' for any perceived infraction on my part, and oddly enough that proved to be a blessing in disguise.  Over time I began to realize how quiet, calm and, yes, peaceful my life was in those quiet times.  Even as anxiety and stress became a part of those 'episodes' and left me spent in certain ways I was also awakened and enlightened at how pleasant life was in that quiet.  If I'd only known sooner I would've saved myself a lot of grief, heartache, and even money.  God but I spent a fortune driving back and forth for him.  smh.

Longing for a peaceful life.

American Goldfinch on our maple tree in Winter.

Every once in a while I get a stunning glimpse of what my life used to look and feel like.  Those moments are unsettling, rather like a dream filled with exciting events and/or people that don't exist in reality.  Constructs of our subconscious, all of them, but beautiful in their own mildly distorted way.  I recognize those visions, feelings, fleeting though they are, and while I wish I could just bask in them at will... I don't dare.  Dreams are one thing, but the memories that flood to the surface on rare occasions rock my world a bit.  I mean, why wouldn't they?  In stark contrast to my everyday life they are like colorized, HD versions of what actually is.  I honestly don't know what to think of them most of the time.

Two seconds, maybe three.  This is what I'm allowed when these memories surface.  But why?  Why is it I can't just recall something on command and remember completely, all the details, sights, sounds, the way something smelled?  Why is it they come, unbidden, unannounced, unexpected?  A few seconds of feeling.... alive... only for it all to be taken away as if it never was.  Why?

Anxiety.  It moved in a few years back and is still an unwanted intruder that's more than worn out its welcome.  I'm not talking the kind of anxiety that brings on panic attacks, but the kind that just gnaws at your life, your soul every moment of every day, stealing joy and happiness, depriving me of sleep and making waking in the morning a most unpleasant affair that even coffee can't cure.

For me, anxiety is a learned response, something that comes from repeated pressures that ride on the back of demands.  Everything begins to feel like a 'have to right now' event, a task that is surely to eat you alive and come with a terrible price if not completed according to the time frame and whim of another.  Those demands, spoken aloud or left to be found, pierce the spirit with joy-stealing accuracy, creating a far-reaching wound that refuses to heal.  And it hurts.  Always.

If you've dealt with true stress, and I don't mean stress of the motivating variety but the life-shortening kind, then you know what damage it can do.  For me, this means daily 3am awakenings with the first and foremost thought in-mind is something laden with panic, with fear.  The previous day's decisions and actions, no matter how good or well-intended, are transformed into regrets that sometimes lead to making decisions that should be left for a much better day, a much better mindset.  But this is not how these things work.

In the 3am dark of the room everything I've ever done has be infinitely wrong somehow.  With no one to talk to, nowhere to turn, and no guidance whatsoever as to how to deal with this and fall asleep again... I feel trapped in my own space, my own bed, in my own head.  And the anxious, panicky feelings, when they come, eclipse that of the last.  Yeah.  They're getting worse.

And yes, I do know why.  That's a blog entry for another day.

So now what?  Honestly, when I began seeing a therapist after my last relationship I learned a great deal of what I was dealing with, what he was and what he wasn't, and I learned a lot about myself too.  Many traits I have I've always known about, and to be honest... they're things I wouldn't change about me.  But I've picked up a few new ones as a matter of 'survival.'  Okay, that's a lot to take in, and dealing with them full-on in a healthy way takes some work.  But I didn't get to finish that discovery and moved before I could.  It's kind of like missing the last chapter of a book you can't put down, and I'm eager to know how it ends.  So, my next step is to find another therapist, because life isn't always perfect, and I cannot continue to live the way I'm living.  Something has to give, and right now that something is me, my health, my happiness.  Oh, but hasn't that always been that which gives way under the worst of circumstances?

I will revisit this soon.

Secrets From A House On A Bluff

Goldfinch waiting his turn at the Nyjer feeder in the front yard on a very chilly, Winter day.

This is really the heart and soul of my blog, to be truthful.  As everyone waits for the next 'secret' from the book of nightmarish relationship-past the world outside is lighting up, glowing with hints of Spring.  The undercurrent is still there, without a doubt, but life continues despite the ugliness of some very human experiences.  Yeah, relationships are often like that.

Compassion.  Very few people understand what it is or how it works.  Kind of sad, isn't it?  Still, just like "Love," compassion isn't something you FEEL, it's something you DO.  You can't fake either of them, no matter how hard you may try.  I've personally never found the point to faking love for whatever the end game may mean.  I mean, fake fruit is pretty when it's done correctly.. but who the hell wants to eat it?

You see, this is exactly why "Pity" is a worthless and unkind offering.  It's fake, and it's not about that which you claim to pity, but more of an expression of what's inside YOU when you 'feel' it.  It has nothing at all to do about the person or thing or situation whatsoever.  I'll leave you to ponder that for a while.

What happens if someone you claim to love is sick, either short-term or long-term?  How long did it take for you to start feeling sorry for yourself because, suddenly, you have more of the 'burden' of the relationship?  When did the seed of resentment break through the surface, and how long did you actively participate in its cultivation before it bloomed?  And what did you think of that rancid thing when it took over your garden of decay?

Where was your compassion then?  Did you recognize the moment it died?

Our resident mockingbird pair has claimed the front yard as either their food territory, or their nesting territory.  Not sure which, but it's a bit of a challenge for the smaller birds.  They seem to work it out on their own.  And the smaller birds do have the backyard feeders.  Let nature taken her own course, then sit back and watch the show...

I've spoken about compassion before, and it's likely a more boring subject for most people online.  Still, it's a big deal to me, because I find those who lack compassion.... frightening.

Case in point:  I can't tell you how many people complain, bitch, whine and worse about how a mockingbird is singing nearby all night long.  Instead of looking up WHY this happens, those people simply look for a way to rid themselves of the bird.  A little knowledge goes a long way, folks, and if you know WHY this happens and still want to 'rid' yourself of the singing bird at night, then you are a void, a complete hollow, a black hole in humanity.  Why?  Because you lack compassion OR the foresight or intelligence to perhaps use some ear plugs.  IF you knew anything at all, you'd know the nighttime singing will stop on it's own.  What stops it?... companionship!

Someone once wrote a beautiful article about why mockingbirds sing at night, and truth be told.. not all of them do!  ONLY the unattached males sing at night, the bachelors.  In fact, he sings his heart out, calling for a mate.. who may either be his first, or perhaps to replace a lost mate, mostly due to predators.

In the article it was a single sentence that made it clear what he's singing about, a phrase that made me smile.  "This song you're hearing is a love song!"

A love song.  Sadly, there are people out there in the world that don't care about anything that's more than 1/2 inch from their own skin, the egocentric, the narcissistic, the borderline personalities, the ones with a dark hollow where their heart should be, the same people whose bloated egos tell them they're just so perfect, but yet they lack the good sense or intelligence to google "Why does a mockingbird sing at night."

My mockingbird who protects the yard (even from snakes) doesn't sing at night, and I've seen him with his mate in the yard, chasing each other about, his showing off how awesome he is for having such a wonderful territory, such amazing and striking white bands on his wings.  The dance is both beautiful and curious, and I love watching them.  I hope to never hear him singing in the darkness, because I know the story it will tell if he does.  But I have heard that sound at night before, back when I lived in my apartment in Mobile.  Memories of a better time.

More later........

A ghost from a relationship past...

When articles look like the blueprint for your relationship (and I'm speaking not of my current one), it's time to stand up and take notice.  I did.  And I'm still feeling it's ugly effects to this day.

You're Not Going Crazy - 5 Sure Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused

Read it....

So, T.. what IS "Your thing?"

There's always a rant lurking around the corner.  It's either that or let it all boil inside until it implodes and shuts me down.  I'm thinking I'm choosing a far healthier route in dealing with, well, the un-dealable.  I'm frustrated as hell.  When will the "... is not my thing" thing going to end?  Seriously!

Yard work isn't his thing.
Gardening isn't his thing.
Cleaning up after himself isn't his thing.
Having meaningful conversations isn't his thing.
Photography isn't his thing.
Art isn't his thing.
Helping around the house isn't his thing.
Cleaning out the shed outside isn't his thing.
Organizing the outdoor storage closet isn't his thing.
.....and on and on and on.

So what IS his thing?????  I swear, I can't do it all and it's emptying me trying.  DAMMIT.

Ill health and all, I've done everything in my power to do as much as I possibly can, and most of the time I manage to get most of it done.  It takes all of my time, to be honest, with having to do it all, having to clean up after another adult who can't seem to clean up after himself.  I raised 3 kids on my own, and you know what?  THAT was SO much easier than cleaning up after a guy who really doesn't give a royal crap about anything except for sitting in front of a tv or staring at his iPhone every spare minute.  It's like he's not even here.  So why am "I" here?  If you have an answer to that, I'd love to hear it, because I sure as hell can't figure it out.

When I mention hiring someone to help with the yard or stuff that needs to be done around the house, he vehemently rejects the idea and basically tells me 'No.'  Well what the hell?  You don't GET to tell me 'no' if YOU aren't going to solve the problem!  He leaves all this overwhelming pile of crap for me to do and then has the audacity to not help when I ask for help, and not allow me to hire someone even for a couple of hours to help!

I'm worn out, stressed, anxious, tired, painful, MISERABLE, and I can't get a single day to just slow down enough to BREATHE.  How the hell can anyone survive a life like this?  And I'm not joking here.  HOW does anyone spend the majority of their life of being a full-time maid to a lazy man?  Is anyone actually out there that lives this way and likes it?

When does life START when you're with a person like this?  I feel smothered, oppressed, disrespected.. to name just a few.  I wake up with knots in my stomach, knowing that I'm waking up to yet another day of crap.  Clean up after him, do all the housework inside, do the yard work outside, find a way to lift things I can't lift or move things I can't move to organize the storage shed and closet that we desperately need to use.  HOW am I supposed to do this and feel like I actually have a life?

I can't even work outside the home right now.  Mainly because of my health issues, recovering from surgery, autoimmune issues that are not resolved.  But mostly because I'm having to cover the job of two people right here at home.  When would I ever have time to work???  SO frustrating.

If I were living alone I would still have to deal with these things, but on a much smaller and more reasonable level.  My motto... If you're not going to help, get the hell out of my way!  The mess in the shed and closet outside are of HIS making, not mine.  Most of the mess INSIDE is of his making, not mine.  I'm basically cleaning up after a 50-something year old CHILD.

My vision of what my life would be like at this age looked very different from the reality that I'm drowning in.

There's a big change coming within this next year, hopefully sooner rather than later.  It may actually be the defining moment for me, the pendulum will swing and I'll be presented with choices that I previously didn't have.  I can't talk about it in detail here, but I will after the fact.  It's something that's been a long time coming and is in the final stages of completion, something I've been waiting to be resolved for over 20 years.  It may not provide me with a life outside of my current arrangement, but it will breathe new life into things that are otherwise dying (metaphorically).  I know, I know... vague as hell.

Still, even the good thing that should happen this year may not be enough.  I won't know until it happens.  Till then, I have to hang tight and try and find a reason for breathing every day, as hard as that is 99% of the time.

It's not like I'm 25 and am looking at my whole life in front of me, wondering what I'll do, how many plans I'll make, etc.  Nope.  That window has closed.  Now it's just about how I live in the NOW with what I have.  And I'm speaking emotionally, spiritually.  And what do I have there?  Not a damn thing.  T is fully engaged on autopilot and is sleeping at the wheel.

I can't be an entire relationship.  I can't do what's required for both him and myself.  I can't take care of another adult, who is fully capable of caring for himself, while trying desperately to care for myself while I'm not fully recovered.  I can't sit in freaking, dead silence every night, sitting across from a guy who stares at his cell phone more than any teenage girl I've ever seen.

WHY am I wasting my time even thinking about this?  What I should be doing is focusing FULLY on me, my health, my recovery from surgery, illness, getting myself to a point where I can go back out in the world and L-I-V-E again.  Because I'm not living.

This so-called life is just another way of dying slowly.

I must, MUST turn my focus back to me.  I have to.  HAVE to.  I just hope I can continue to find the strength to get up everyday and deal with the million details he's ignored around here.  It just never, ever stops.  EVER.

A friend just texted me:  "Isn't indifference just another form of abuse?"  Well, I'm not really sure about that, but I do no it does a lot of damage to the person on the receiving end of that indifference.

"Your mind is fire..."

"Your mind is fire.  It can either heat your house.. or burn it to the ground."

I don't know who originated this quote, but it's one of the truest statements I've ever read.  It's also one of the most important reasons for protecting yourself from malignant narcissists, or... anyone who doesn't have your best interests in mind.  Anyone that causes damage to your mind, your soul, your spirt, anything and anyone who systematically breaks you down by choice, or by carelessness is dangerous.

What, you think someone messing with your mind, your sense of self-worth... isn't dangerous?  The statement at the top of the page is absolutely true.  What needs to be considered as well is who lit the match?  But then, is that really the most important thing?

Sometimes damage control is the only option, and of course... prevention of future attacks.  Either way, our state of mind, our happiness, our joy is ultimately up to us.

Don't think for a minute that I've mastered this.  I haven't.  In fact, I rather suck at it.  One thing I do have in my favor is awareness.  I'm aware of what happens to me now, and having my eyes opened the hard way was painful, and it left long-term damage that I have to work through on a regular basis.  Oh, I know it was in my control back then.  At least I know that NOW.  Hindsight being 20/20... well, that sucks too.  Yet, I'm grateful for the awareness... most of the time.

My truth:  I often find myself making the same mistakes over and over again.  My last mistake was T. Honestly, for all his lack of compassion, carelessness, indifference, and so on, he's not a monster.  I mean, we can ALL be total assholes from time to time, it's just that some make an art form out of it.  But not T.  He's ego-driven, like most males, and he just doesn't seem to mind at all.  He'll do the same hurtful things over and over and over again, knowing I'm not stupid enough to stand there and let it happen to me.  That's his bad.  Still, his over-controlling nature is first and foremost in his life, and I do have a SERIOUS issue with that, especially given my past.

But I'm here now.  What do I do?

To be continued....