Don't ruin it. That moment. The one where I can, for a flickering millisecond think that my life willchange for the better. Don't talk. Don't ask any questions or make demands. Don't expect too much from me right now. Just be quiet. For a few minutes.
Just. Be. Quiet.
Sleep eludes me again, though unsettling dreams continue to invade everything when I do. I close my eyes, earphones in place, and I listen to playlists that contain the secrets to my life, my wishes, desires, hopes, goals, and sometimes.... past experiences. Inside the music I go, ready to put another day completely, thoroughly behind me.
Allow me THIS peace if no other.
Don't try and have a conversation with me when I'm dosing off. The intrusion of such an act goes right through me, having been allowed so little access to sleep when I try. Don't talk. Don't demand. Don't ask. Leave me be for this one necessary thing.
My past is filled with nights where far too many demands were made and left me in the throes of sleep-deprivation for days, sometimes weeks. Thank God it was but one relationship that presented the worst kind of disruption to an otherwise peaceful life. Yes, I lived in it for far too long. Looking back, my thought is.. "Why didn't I stand up for myself?"
But now I can. Mostly.
This falling asleep during the day is too much, too familiar. I hate it.
So just... be quiet when the night comes. That's all. Give me that... one.... thing.
I was to start my diet back up again today, but as fate would have it.... T had other ideas. Okay. I go with it for one more day, but getting back on track is CRITICAL, because eating the wrong things over the holiday weekend has left me incredibly painful & sick beyond words. Guess you can say I've re-discovered the absolute necessity for eating healthy.
The pain began with severe indigestion. But then the severe pain in the right upper quadrant of my abdomen began and is now excruciating, pushing referred pain to my back in that area. When this happens the pain becomes something to reckon with, something unstoppable and jagged. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't drink even water, can't sit comfortably, can't lay down comfortably. Honestly, it's really just too much. I'm praying tomorrow, with the start back onto my diet again, will ease the pain and misery.
I've not seriously contemplated shutting my blogs down, but I have thought about it. Usually this idea comes to mind on my "Why bother?" days, which happens more and more lately. In some ways writing out everything, or doing an audio and talking about everything... falls short of bringing any real help to my situation, at least not in the way it has in the past. Is this a signal that it's time to walk away from the blogs, or is it just another insidious manifestation of depression?
If I spent even a couple of minutes thinking about it I would likely just put it all on private and (mostly) abandon it all. Such is life on the "Why bother?" days. Feedback on this issue has been mixed and, frankly, confusing. Seems the consensus is "Keep blogging," while "It's up to you" and "Do what's best for you" is thrown in for good measure. lol OK. Thanks guys! ;p No, really, I do get where you're coming from. But this is a serious consideration for me at the moment.
Tomorrow is another day. Maybe an answer will come. Maybe motivation will reveal itself. Maybe there will be light at the end of this confusing tunnel.
And maybe... I'll just wake up to find this has all been an extremely uncomfortable dream.
As I wait for an audio entry to upload I sit here in mostly silence and wonder about today, tomorrow, and riddled with static from the past... I'm still struggling to make sense of it all. In some ways, at least today, I'll give myself a pass on not being able to figure out the meaning of life and the universe and will, instead, have a hot cup of Jr. Mint cocoa. Oh, but I highly recommend hot cocoa on a cold Winter's day in the midst of turmoil and chaos. Okay, okay... so there's no real turmoil, but.. it sounded like a good excuse to have cocoa. ;)
Where I am today is a place of waiting, and waiting on Sigmund C. Monster (2017 MINI Cooper S) to be built and transported to the USA. I custom-ordered him, and the build/options/colors etc are like the image above, and I'm absolutely in love with this little guy. He's my first convertible, but NOT my first MINI. And... I'll just have to get used to wearing a hat or scarf or something to keep ME from looking like a sea monster after having hurricane force winds whipping my hair about. lol
Sigmund is in production and due to be completed early January, 2017. Hey, perfection takes time!
Yeah, I can actually get happy and excited about the arrival of my little Monster. And yes, what a weird time of year to think about owning a convertible. Well, it DOES come with a top, and I'm a total wuss in the cold weather, so there's that. But luckily I'm in the south where we have more warm/hot weather than cold.
The color is called "Caribbean Aqua," and yes.. I did order black bonnet stripes on mine. I did NOT, however, add the chrome option, and... the side mirrors match the body color 2/3 of the way with black on the lower portion of those mirrors. But other than that, this pic is what he will look like, right down to the rims.
"OMG! WHITE INTERIOR!! Are you NUTS?" lol Hey, you only live once, so why not go with what you really like if you can? The best part about this is that I will be able to drive again, and that's a HUGE life-changer for me. Having to sell my other MINI because it's a manual (which my left knee and shoulder can no longer handle) meant no driving SAFELY or without massive pain. It's all good, though, because Sigmund C. Monster and I have plans. And everybody needs plans.
I've done well today, and it took a mind-set refresh and a great deal of resolve to NOT allow any weirdness wreck me or my mood. I have this to look forward to, and I am going to start planning my first road trip in my little Monster, because Sigmund and me... well, we have places to go and things to see and life to experience.
It's about time.
PS.... just a warning... the audio I'm posting shortly isn't going to be as optimistic-sounding as this entry. ;p
NOTE: So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.
As my shoulder heals it becomes easier (and faster) to type these entries, rather than do audio entries, copy them to youtube, etc. It really is very time-consuming. While time IS precious to ALL of us, I did promise a couple of people that I would continue with some audio entries. "Some." ;) I have two parts of an entry to upload, and also one short entry. Not 100% that there will be time today/tonight to upload them, but I will try tomorrow if it doesn't make it today. On one hand I feel as if time flies by in a blur of nothingness, and yet.... I feel that all I have is time ticking away second by second, minute by minute, tiny slices of life that honestly provides so little of what I need to call my life... a life. Even so, I'm trying.
All in all, what else is there to really say other than I'm wishing my life to be very different than it is? I can't for the life of me think I've been less than clear on that issue, so it amazes me a little that I've not bored you all to tears by this point. Well... thank you for being here just the same. I appreciate it.
Goals, being what they are at the moment, are distant, disconnected, and the lines having blurred so many years ago that I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking at anymore. I know what I want--sort of. I know where I've been---for sure. But dammit it's just a pain in the ass trying to figure out where the hell this is all going, meaning my life as a whole. How does anyone find their way through he muck and mire of all the hidden possibilities when all there 'seems' to be are hidden possibilities.
I can't say I'm at all liking the idea of asking myself the same question for the rest of my life---"What now?" That's not a question I like, nor is it a question I can answer at this time. I 'feel' strongly that an epiphany is coming, that it will reveal itself before long. Just something I feel in my bones, and that's good enough for me. In the meantime I'll just keep my eyes open.
Waiting. I've spent my life either waiting for life to happen or walking the wrong path to make it happen. IS that life? Nah. I don't think so at all. Maybe this is a preservation, conservation or recovery time that's being forced. Hell if I know.
.... I wish I could be THIS open in my audio blogs. Guess that's something I'll have to work on.
Well, me and my confused self are going to move on to the next blog and see if I can get something done with my thoughts.
These days I find Facebook and Twitter more than a little cringeworthy. Not to say I don't still partake in posting/tweeting, but I really don't find my heart's in it anymore. Have I lost all interest, or is this just another manifestation of situational depression? How the hell should I know?
I've tried to pour myself into ANYTHING that will eat up my time, including social media. Somehow the idea of just blasting information/thoughts into cyberspace like that seems, well, so freaking WEAK when it comes to life and living. Social media isn't life, and it sure as hell isn't living. So... what's next?
It's been my 'thing' to dump FB when life gets to be a bit more than I can handle. Facebook is the first to go, which is why I have 3 different accounts, each having a place in my day or week, depending on what's going on. So today I deactivated my newer account that I've used now for some 4 or 5 years, and took up residence once again in my first and original account, the one I dumped due to relationship drama a few years ago. No one super close to me is on that account. Well, maybe a couple of people who don't exactly live close BUT who do know me well.
Needing down time away from the mindless meme-posting isn't anything new for me, but the garbage with T that's getting on my nerves has prompted me to use the other account so I can have some peace, space, and room to breathe. It's just another way I'm stretching my wings in order to find my own voice again, even if it means I'm not saying much.
The knowledge that I've lost interest in most things lately isn't lost on me, but in a way it's somewhat a welcoming side effect of situational depression. Maybe it's just time to take a break from social media and do most of my thought-processing here in my blogs. Honestly, I don't know for sure but am willing to go with this one. Because it just feels right.
I will be posting in all of my blogs, different entries for each. Most of you check/read them all, so you know what I mean by this. Likely I'll become a bit more blunt as this next week progresses and edges closer to a very dark and gloomy Christmas. You've been forewarned.....
Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered. But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all. If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts. So be it. I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.
I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter. Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm. Many are just worn out and in need of replacing. Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix. Ha. So I thought. I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form. With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing. Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now. It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out. And that is as far as we made it.
His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl. He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.' His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes. The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward. But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound. Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.
Such is the case with many guys of our generation. Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board. But enough of this fucked up generation.
He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do. Um. Okay. The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry. Still, T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked. He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself. The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell. Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.
Once again he demanded we leave. I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going. And I wasn't lying. This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything. I recognize that as well. So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore. 'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?" I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.
I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on. By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep. I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix. Basically, I shut down.
He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along. But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow." Is that so fucking hard to say?
I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell. This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did. I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom. Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place. It was my sanctuary. It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.
I can't turn back the clock. I can't get my apartment back. And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me. This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him. I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to. Well, I should've known better. I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful. And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.
An indifferent person doesn't give a shit. A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right. How is it that so many people don't get this? On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.
Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos. Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.
The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.
I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance. I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery. I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.
Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.
I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men. At least their generation has some hope. Not so much mine.
I've always liked decorating early for Christmas. Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me. Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there. I'm all in for Christmas...usually.
The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest. I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor. If only....
It's not enough to know what's wrong. Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays. While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.
I really just hate this.
What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?
This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it. I walk through the house, and I really love what I see. But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years. Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.
When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I. Just a fact. There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown. As weird as that sounds, it's true. When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery. But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay. Now what?" And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.
Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so. Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything. I have to do something to fight my way out of this.
For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).
Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment. I'm tired, so so tired. I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way. At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.
Tomorrow is another day. But today... I'm just not feeling it.
Well, yeah, it's been a rough couple of days in which I got way behind. While this audio blog entry was supposed to go up BEFORE Halloween, obviously... it didn't make it. Even so, loving this holiday as much as I do, I couldn't just let the effort go to waste.
Okay, so I'm really late in getting these uploaded. What can I say, except that life has be freaking hell and I'm juggling a LOT at this time. Anyway, you'll find THIS is, well, what it is, and the next one to follow will also be behind.... because it's about Halloween. *sigh* Yeah, things are THAT chaotic right now. At any rate, late or not, I still feel compelled to talk about my favorite time of year, my favorite holiday of all.. Halloween. But THAT will be the next audio blog. As for this one, it's basically where I was about a week ago before I discovered that I DID have a way around the Weight Watchers conundrum... You'll see. Just listen to this, if you're compelled to do so, then you'll see what I talk about tomorrow (Nov 2, 2016). For tonight I'm playing catch up with TWO audio blogs.
For those of you who said you preferred the audio blog entries. Was done a couple of days ago, so I will try to make another one sometime Thursday when I have free time. :)
I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry. The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will). So much for changing the dialogue in my life. The scenery is fine, so you know.
It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either. My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute. Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now. Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.
Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?
It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware. And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice? I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.
To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see. All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time. I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them. Okay. I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows. Deal? ;)
Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account. Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more. Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE. Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.
I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life. Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again. He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.
He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep. And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning. I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do. I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable. My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it. And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.
As an aside, I got the new bed today. I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom. Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin. I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.
Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow. Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.
Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now. The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was. And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.
Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs. We will see, right?
Okay, so I'm outta here for the night. Sleep tight... sweet dreams....
I've gotten a few emails from some of you guys, but please don't worry. I've had some issues with youtube glitches and have (I believe) I've solved the problem and am trying to upload an entry for all my blogs.
Do know... I've no idea how long the upload will take, but I will try to get it here soon as I can, perhaps tomorrow or maybe even tonight.
This is by special request. ;) As for me, yes.. I'm Deplorable and only watch Trump events at RSBN's live stream on YouTube (Wayne Dupree as well). What can I say... I've been waiting for Trump to run for President since the late 80's when he was asked repeatedly about it. :D
My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again. A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon. Until then, there are the audio blogs...
NOTE: This was done a couple of days before uploading. From now on I'll try to remember to put dates on them for perspective.
Unbelievable how long healing takes with shoulder surgery. Worse than that is trying to heal in an environment not exactly conducive to healing. NOT my idea of actual 'living.' Anyway, audio blogs continue until I can type without severe pain....
I'm pushing harder now for healing and recovery from my shoulder surgery, so that means more intense physical therapy. What that ends up meaning is more aching and less ability to type... for a time. In the long run this will lead to faster results. So, sorry to say I have to do another video entry.....
I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold. I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E. But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was. So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'
I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it. Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!" It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again. enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.
The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."
So until my shoulder heals and typing isn't painful, I'll be making these audio entries. This one is just an experiment, so stay tuned for other entries with an actual message or goal. ;)
What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you? What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share? What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away? What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?
What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?
What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?
What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?
What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?
This is difficult. Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell. It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type. I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that. So I'll make this just a quick check-in.
I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can. This is often a tearful process. I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will. A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this. On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.
Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm. This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds. NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time. So be it. It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side. Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose. As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed. Both options mean pain and swelling. But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.
I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given. The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly. But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.
There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.
Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored. That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences. I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts. In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me. Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages. But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality. Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence. Yeah.
What to do with that.
As you guys know, indifference has been my companion. T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart. You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location. Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses. This sucks.
I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical. While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode. Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing. I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.
It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is. No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to. Not a parent, sibling, or best friend. No one. It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me. When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.
My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off. I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better. I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.
I need this pain to stop. I really do.
Hopefully I can post tomorrow.
PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.
When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting. I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage. I had ONE blog at that time. When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here. The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more. In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past. That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists. Let me explain....
A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries. Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about. No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences. Boy, was that ever stupid. I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else. But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all? Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.
I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?" I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to. Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today. Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.
What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.
A Bold First Step My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back. With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.
I've dealt with enough crap this morning to last a lifetime. Unearthed is the truth, something I'll have to deal with one day at a time, one decision at a time. After posting in This Free Spirit I've little left to say, as I'm spent emotionally. Overall, I'm glad to have the benefit of the truth, even if it's not pretty. Not being one to like my head in the sand I will just face what actually IS, rather than pretend all is well in my world. It's just the reality of life.
Dealing with health issues, the indifference and lack of compassion from T, seeing a glimmer of what 'could' be once I'm well again... is a lot to process every day. Maybe not so much for someone healthier, but it certainly is for me. I suppose I can just say it's keeping me on my toes.
For the most part today I feel betrayed and stuck in a life that I'm not at all fitting into. I miss MY life but accept that sacrifices are made with a relationship, be it marriage or something else. The betrayal I refer to is that, once again, I've a situation where I'm with someone who pretended one thing and is actually another. I don't like that at all. He's not evil or abusive, so don't get me wrong. But what he hid and the lies he told DO have an impact on life, especially mine.
For heaven's sake, why can't people just be HONEST about who they are?!
My morning was riddled with anxiety and stress, so I'm paying the price for that today with fatigue, discomfort, elevated pain level.... and just a dull feeling of sadness that is going to take some work to overcome. It's not depression really, but more like heavy disappointment laced with anger.
My view of life is somewhat distorted as I spend the majority of my time alone. I'm once again disconnected from the greater part of living--meaning the outside world. Too sick to get out of the house, and in a place I've not been in but for a short time means... I don't know anyone. It's a familiar situation, I'm afraid, and it's not my choice but more my circumstances. But this disconnection does hinder the healing process, which isn't going well at all but actually getting worse.
Another day of dealing with what I already deal with, and also new challenges.
It's not as dramatic as it appears. I'm referring to just feeling down. I've posted in a couple of other blogs over the past week, but I'm having trouble posting in all of them right now. Sincerely, I want to. I do. But I've been very sick and it's basically kicked my butt for the most part. Still, I have things I want to talk about, things I would like to talk WITH someone about. It's not always that easy, though, is it? The communication process between humans these days has become ridiculously complicated and full of boobytraps.
It's not boredom. I'm not bored but frustrated that my physical body and my emotional body are at odds. I'm not living life. I'm definitely not living MY life. Anything that resembles 'life' is filtered through T, and that's no life at all. No one, and I mean no one who has to filter their life through someone else's won't do it for long and will eventually, out of necessity, find a way out so they can breathe again, live again. It's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN---always.
There's not much else I can say to paint a picture that you'd understand to any real degree. That's not saying you guys aren't intelligent but rather than I'm having a difficult time expressing myself. It's not you, it's me! lol
I have a friend, however, that I used to speak with quite often, someone who gets me almost intuitively, and I've not spoken to him in a while. But he's always there when I reach out. He lives in Atlanta, so it's not like we hang out. When I speak to him, even via email, I feel 'heard' and respected. His responses to questions etc are spot-on and given attention as if they're important. He says.. they are important. It's the same when he reaches out. We have a wonderful friendship, unique really, and he's easy to talk to. I did have another very good friend in CA but... he's lost his way to the occupy movement and has become one of those self-loathing whites who's associated himself with B L M. I don't speak to him anymore--he's gone quite nuts and isn't even himself anymore. But my Atlanta friend is exactly who he was when I met him some 14 years ago.
It's wonderful having a friend like that, it really is. And he says I'm a great friend to him... he's one o the most awesome people I know, so there's love there, always has been. There is, however, a very real difference between having to speak on the phone or email etc., and actually being able to hug that friend and say hello, etc. Oh well. It is what it is. All I know is that if not for him... the misery would be beyond tolerable.
So what does all this mean? It means SSDD. I wish I could say something encouraging, that I'll be right back on track again and posting about more interesting aspects of life and more. But the truth is, I'm still sick and feeling awful. All I can do is frequent my blogs when I can and post about what's real.
Hopefully, and with prayer and perseverance, the narrative here will change--soon.
This brought tears to my eyes--and gave me goosebumps. The most beautiful version of this I have ever heard, and it was spontaneous. God bless this beautiful country---God bless the USA. <3
If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles. I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed. However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself. And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.
So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues. The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months). My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone. Lovely. Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).
I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now. Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now. Damn.
Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly. My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123. I had NO idea about that 123 FG. So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.
The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range. She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is. I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.
It's begun.
I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded. Just YUCK!!
I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past. I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now. But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad. Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc. What fun. However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain. Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions. It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.
I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids. I just don't know.
Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now. Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.
I'm in pain. A lot of pain. Trying to think and write here is often too difficult, so... I choose to avoid nonsensical blathering when I can. But then, I get a few emails or messages on FB asking if I'm okay, why am I not posting, etc. When this happens I make sure to come here and at least put in an appearance. As for catching up, well, not sure there's much to catch up on. But I'll try.
I'm still waiting on lab results regarding my adrenals and blood sugar. My BP goes very high, then... very low. No way to treat that, and until we know if my adrenals are struggling we may not know what causes the crazy swings in BP. It's said that those swings are more dangerous than constantly high BP. Well, so what? If you can't do anything about it then why bother worrying?
All there is right now is day by day assessment and trying not to plan anything in advance. Do you hear the blandness? I feel it. I see it. I live it.
What do I do all day then? Well, I'm learning Spanish so work on that when I can. I listen to music, watch Trump rallies, etc. on RSBN. Well, I use the link from RSBN's web site to the youtube version so I can chat with some friends there and participate. Not the most glamorous of lives, right? It's okay... I'm still breathing, so there's that.
Then there's the insomnia. I believe a lot of the blandness of being right now stems from not being able to sleep well at all. I desperately need to get the surgery on my shoulder as it hurts badly all night long. But I have to wait for the results on my adrenals and find out what needs to be done, if any, prior to and during surgery in order to avoid a dangerous adrenal crash while undergoing surgery. Adrenal Crisis is life-threatening, so the surgeon isn't willing to do the surgery until I get clearance to get it, etc. Fatigue will absolutely flatten a person out, especially when it's chronic... and... it drains the adrenals.
All in all, the stress has taken its toll. It took its toll years ago when I was in a BADLY stressful relationship for 11 years. The relationship was BADLY stressful---as much as the 11 yr one, only condensed into a shorter time frame. And now it's very stressful but for very different reasons. T at least is open-minded most of the time to what's needed to avoid the stressful situations. However, he's not good at all with follow-through, and even in that there is stress.
I pray every day. I ask God to just shorten this suffering--and yes, it is absolutely suffering. Anyone who's had chronic pain knows what I'm talking about. I try and go through my days as normally as I can, find stuff that makes me laugh, smile, or inspires hope. Motivation is out of reach but at least I can see it in the distance.
For all practical purposes.... this is just life for me at the moment. I will have a lot of catching up to do when I'm back to full-strength me.....
So today was the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) today. Had to fast, of course, then drink 75mg of pure glucose and have my blood tested 3 times. Well, it was a real PITA getting stuck that many times in one sitting due to having only two veins that are viable for that.... and they originally tried to draw from a vein on the side of my forearm. O. M. G. NEVER AGAIN. Horrible. But after drinking the nasty-sweet drink I felt okay... at first. Before long I felt a little queasy, then.... drunk. No joke. I was SO dizzy and stupid feeling that I had to ask the techs if it was normal. I suppose it is somewhat, but they had to call my doctor to see if she wanted them to continue or abandon the test. She said keep going---as long as I didn't vomit.
No vomiting, thank God. Only the queasy feeling and massive dizziness. Sheesh.
Got home... and just felt weak, shaky, wobbly. All of that changed once I ate something with protein. I'm not sure if reaction to the glucose is any indication of anything, but I would guess my pancreas is responding well enough and sending a fat dose of insulin in to take care of the sugar... hence the drop in sugar (a guess) with all the dizziness and nausea.
Their computers were down, so.. looks like it'll be a couple of days before I know the results. My prediction: I'm fine, blood sugar-wise. I don't have any gut feelings that I'm diabetic, and the doctor is only testing because the prednisone-induced Cushing's Syndrome can cause type II diabetes. Still, I do expect this to come out just fine, honestly.
*sigh* Another doctor's appointment tomorrow. Phooey.
You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really. But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right? My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily. Wow. Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.
Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it. Right? Right. I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets. Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment. So be it.
I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment. I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone. I knoooooooooow! *Putting on my best shocked face* Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress. I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical. Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year. The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down. And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.
I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is. It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today. And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes. My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story. Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects. Nifty, huh? *sigh*
The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc. Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff. Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me. Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while. There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.' The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue. You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense. Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery. Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."
I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved. It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly. People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge. And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.
So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.
Not much else I can do.
Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.
Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....
It's been a 'musical' day for the most part, as it usually is when I'm having a bad day. So much pain, what else is there? Either music, or Spanish lessons. And... decision-making. Hmmmm.
So, silencing the music I wonder... of people who've either extracted themselves from my life.. or I booted them. Either way, there are reasons for everything in life, for choosing to stick with the status quo, or... to create meaningful change and hope for the best. As all life goes, everything is a risk. Everything.
It's been my policy that once I'm an 'ex' I'm an ex. I don't, and have never, seen any reason to stay even loosely inserted in someone's life when you've been rejected, or... when you've rejected them. Sure, some people can become BFFs with their ex's.. that's fine for them. But for me, the past is the past. Not that there's been any exceptions to this rule--there have been. There's been exactly 2 exceptions, and for good reason. However, one person was a friend who, no matter how how I tried to forgive repeatedly, decided that his immersion into the 'occupy' movement... simply made him just this side of intolerable. That's another story for another day---or perhaps not at all.
A discussion with a friend of mine recently gave me a lot to think about. Her life is vastly different from mine, which poses difficulty for her when it comes to giving me advice. She doesn't get where I'm coming from at all most of the time, and that's okay. We also don't share a deep friendship, and in fact.. it's fairly superficial for the most part. Only once a month, roughly, do we actually talk to one another, and we don't hang out ever. That's okay too.
So, what she presented to me was basically this: Why cut anyone out of your life? On the surface it's a good question, but it lacks something vital. The most important reason for cutting someone completely out of your life is that the relationship proved to be harmful in some way. So with just that reason in mind... it just makes no sense to present the question in that way. However, I added a little more to it, such as 'How much forgiveness is available given the circumstances and does that forgiveness translate into a 2nd, or even 3rd chance?' Basically, maybe there's some merit to looking at each circumstance individually. Maybe.
In the case of my 'occupy' friend I honestly don't know what to think. We were the best of friends for over 12 years. He lives in CA and even at that distance it never hindered our friendship a bit. We watched movies together, which was often hilarious as we attempted to sync the DVD's and not react too quickly if we were slightly ahead of the other. We shared EVERYTHING. We expressed joy, anger, sadness, etc., and could talk for hours on the phone every day. We helped each other when times were tough, and there wasn't a minute in a 24 hour period that was off-limits. A 2am phone call or 4am phone call was always answered. Not that we took advantage of that, but.. it was always a given that, should we need each other, that we could reach out and have someone right there on the other end of the line.
He lost his job of almost 20 years due to layoffs, and that's when everything went terribly wrong. I suppose as he struggled to find his footing again (in Los Angeles) he found, instead, a group of people who became like family to him. His mother & father is deceased, and his sister is, well... she's not the warmest of people and left him, literally, to drown in his own circumstances. I wasn't able to help him financially, and he wasn't inclined to leave CA at that time... so his situation became even worse. During this time he met with those involved in the occupy moment, and that... is where he lost himself.
Phone calls that used to be about life, living, music, humor, movies, songs he was writing (he's a musician), animals, etc... became all about occupy this or that. Then... he got involved in the B L M moment, and the smart part of him that wasn't devoured by occupy was completely consumed by B L M... and he became a self-loathing 'white.' Neither of us are racist, and so I'm not sure why he became lost, so completely and totally lost to a group that for every practical purpose devoured his soul and personality.
For about 4-5 years now I've spoken to him very little with the last phone call being last summer when I bought him a Vegan cookbook. I never even heard a word back from him other than when I send him a message asking if he received it and he replied with... "Thanks."
His name on social networking sites has the word 'occupy' in it, and I guess it really represents what he's become.
I don't call him anymore, and now that it's election time... and he's a flaming liberal while I'm a conservative (converted after making the huge mistake of voting for Obama the first time)... we have even more animosity. He was the one, in fact, that talked me into voting for Obama, and already having a deep dislike for a chronically triggered McCain... it was inevitable that I'd give in. There was also the health care thing, something I desperately needed, but... that's not the only reason I regret that vote. I was an independent, and now I'm not, so I'm 'gifted' with his presence on my FB on occasion as he bashes Trump, whom I'm supporting and have since the start.
"There are three things I never discuss with people; religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus
So is, was, my usual stance. But my friend vomited horrible remarks on my FB page on a post in which I finally had to tell him the truth, the blunt truth that he's not the person I once knew and loved as a friend... but that if he resorted to spewing hate on my TL again.. I would block him. Period. It's taken years to get to this point.
My friend with the advice... I made a decision to re-think my stance. But as I told her... there are limits to what I'll endure. Case by case basis seems reasonable. I easily forgive, but I'm not one who easily forgets.
The days of my being a doormat for criticism, judgment and cruelty to enter my life is over.
The problem with my shoulder has gotten much worse and I'm pretty much unable to use my arm for little more than simple tasks... such as typing. I was referred to bone doctor, who sent me for an MRI, which was yesterday. An hour long MRI... did not sit well with my body at all. I won't go into all of that now, but... now I wait to find out if it's a torn rotator cuff, which the bone doc thinks it is. So much for that.
I also received a call from my PCD about some labs that were done about a week ago, and I'm once again being referred back to my hematologist. Ugh. The last time was about a year ago and was for low ferritin (anemia). I received iron infusions for that and was fine in that respect, and my ferritin levels were restored to normal.
THIS time, my ferritin is elevated. Again, the last few tests it was right in the normal range where it should be. I don't eat much red meat (not a big fan and prefer a plant-based diet), and any protein sources usually include chicken and fish mostly, and on occasion... red meat. My multi-vitamin does NOT contain iron because I'm in pre/meno so well, to be blunt, I don't get any visits from Aunt Flow or Uncle TOM anymore, not in almost a year now. No need for iron in vitamins when this occurs.
Anyway, so... I have to see the blood doctor to find out why. Not sure if timing is the key here, or if this is just a really good indication that I'm NOT dealing with hemochromatosis, which is iron overload. I don't believe for a second I have that. But it still is almost always due to liver issues. Ugh.. which most of you guys know I already have (Autoimmune Hepatitis, or AI).
Thankfully my ferritin level is only mildly raised... but I was told it's still needs attention because it means my body is absorbing more iron than it should. I do have to say I find this odd since I really do eat very little meat. No telling wth is causing this, but... another wait and see situation I guess.
On another note---FIREFLIES! I've seen a few of these little guys flying about lately, but there were MUCH MORE yesterday.... and that's beyond awesome! I DO NOT EVER, NOR DO I THINK IT'S OKAY to catch them in a jar!! They're population is dwindling---a very sad fact---so in the very short season of their lives... let them live! They have to have firefly nookie to maintain their population! lol Well, it's true!
So my front and back yard is covered with them in the evenings... and, the big light at the end of the driveway is being turned off. It's billed to us, so we can choose to have it on or not. We're choosing NOT to have it on due to artificial light hurting the mating process of these amazing creatures. We also don't over-mow the lawn so as to allow as much of the population to grow as possible.
