When someone asks for help but refuses help

It's time to be blunt.  After a time even I can recognize sugar-coated shit as, well, shit.  Recently I've been handed a silver platter filled with sugar-coated shit, and I have to say I'm not at all tolerant of it this time around.  I mean, seriously.  Passive/aggressive is STILL fucking aggressive, and those who partake in that bullshit are total ASSHOLES, or BITCHES as the case may be.  How's that for not sugar-coating things?!

Freaking don't ask for my help and then make it impossible for me to help!  FUCK!

Yep.  I'm pissed, and I don't give a damn who knows it, or who likes it or not.  I don't have time in my life for lame-ass games.  You're NOT that important, and you don't own me.  If I VOLUNTEER to help you, don't shit on me in the process and make it sound as if you've done me a favor!  It's the other way around.  Bitch!

By now I'm sure you see why I usually cool off before speaking my mind.  Thing is, I often end up not saying a damn thing if I wait too long, mostly because I've found over the last couple of relationships and all they had to TEACH me... that NO ONE is worth burning out your energy just to make them happy or feel powerful.  SCREW THAT and anyone who tries to do that to me.

This shit is a whole lot like giving someone a key to your house because you asked them to clean it for you while you're away (for FREE), then taking the key back on day 1 because your freaking vacuum wouldn't work.  And no, the isn't the scenario I speak of, but due to the nature of the situation I can't be blunt about the details to that extent.  But honestly, this is a whole lot of control freak crap, and I've had enough of that shit to last me two lifetimes.  NO.  THANK.  YOU!

Where is the appreciation?  Where is the small amount of humility that renders being grateful a genuine feeling?  Since WHEN is it customary to play childish power games with someone YOU asked for help?

I can only say the help that was asked for was online, requiring I give up a good portion of my free time on a daily basis to HELP, and it comes with no compensation.  I don't require or ask for compensation and know it's on a volunteer basis.  Yet still.... can you fucking not treat me with respect while I'm doing what YOU asked and what YOU need?

OMG WTF?  Seriously.

It's not my fault that a web site isn't functioning properly so I can do what you ask.  It's not my business to fix what is outside of my control.  It's YOUR situation, and I'm only ONE person who has no power to change the technical issues YOU are having.

Some days, I swear, I just think I'm sick of doing things for people because of the lame bullshit I get in return.  WHERE in any of this is it worth me wasting my time... just so you can play power trip queen and make it impossible for me to actually do anything.

So you've got the key to the house, know your vacuum is fucked, and you're asking ME to let you know when my 'problem is solved'??  The problem is YOU!

UGH!!!!!

Secrets From A House On A Bluff....

Living in a house on a bluff means seeing and hearing some of nature's most fascinating children.  These are just some of their stories.

2018. Winter, Spring, early Fall.

So many photos, many taken through a window with bird screen.  But the memories are there, which is the most important thing of all.

Nothing vs Something. It's never as easy as that.

It's been a long and trying road going from most of my life without health insurance to having good health insurance.  While I waited and prayed for answers to what was wrong with me, when the answers began showing themselves it seems to be more a tidal wave of information, rather than simple enlightenment.  I'm reeling a bit from it all and processing the information as it arrives.  Still, there's just so much information, as well as unanswered questions, that the weight of it all leaves me numb.  The lack of a support network makes this process, this experience... trying all the more.  All I can do is continue.  What else is there?

I'm scheduled for a fine needle aspiration biopsy next week, as it seems the 'benign' thyroid cyst I had a couple years ago is now a large, solid, hypervascular lesion/mass that now requires a biopsy to rule out cancer.  This mass can now be felt and seen, so something has definitely changed.  Not sure if it's the cyst that transformed into this hardened mass for some reason, or a completely new thing.  That's always fun, right?

Then there's the waiting for my follow-up with my pulmonologist to go over the CT w/contrast results for the possible PAVM.  out of the two scenarios this is the one I really don't like at all.  Hopefully the results are that it's NOT a PAVM.  The radiologist's report listed the large thyroid mass first, rather than the lesion in my lung.  Maybe because the thyroid mass was more concerning.  We'll see.  And all of this is really only a backdrop to the everyday occurrences that truly make life an annoying endeavor.  Honestly.  Some people do tend to be so absent and indifferent, and I wonder why I would keep anyone in my life who wasn't really there to begin with.  Ah, but this is also history repeating itself, isn't it?

It absolutely is.

Inevitably I'm brought back to reviewing past mistakes, especially the more recent ones, and looking for understanding as to why I've allowed people to do so much damage to me along the way, why I didn't have my own back and protect myself, why I extended so many forgivenesses to those who really didn't deserve them.  One thing I can say about T is that what he's doing, for the most part, is really just coasting along on autopilot, rather than being an active participant in this life we're sharing.  In so many ways I believe my having gone through as much as I have the last several years has left me somewhat changed, and though there may be a lack of permanence to these changes, they're still there, holding fast.

Specifically, what does it say about a person who turns an indifferent ear to another's pain?  When someone reaches out and your response is indifference or lame ass platitudes, what does that say about you?  Callous, is one word that comes to mind.  Selfish, is yet another.  Selfish, because that sort of behavior is fully self-preserving, not wanting to burst your happy little bubble by submitting yourself to someone else's pain and need for friendship, understanding, encouragement, comfort.  I can't say T is doing all of those things, but indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

Indifference is a harsh shriek in a quiet room.

I've experienced that in the last relationship, him offering the worst behavior and the worst times, actions and words often peppered with a heavy dose of passive-aggressive cowardice.  Oh, and I have pics of him doing it.  You see, it's easy to take pics of someone when they're in full-blown drama mode and doing everything in their power to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  I'll never forget the incidence, the place, the experience, the cruelty, and the nightmare of a drive back to my apartment.  Things like this tend to stick to you once exposed.  Forgetting is one thing, letting it go another.  So far.. I'm unable to do both, and probably because I literally should've told him that very day to go fuck himself.

It's a battle for me now, opening up to anyone.  While I was never an in-your-face type with sharing or talking about personal issues and experiences (still am not), it got so much worse due to my previous 'relationship' (using that word loosely).  I learned to not trust, to not believe my eyes, my ears, my instincts.  Yes, I'm working on repairing all of that, but I may very well need help to accomplish my goal.  Getting back to myself again has been years in the works now.  If I'd only known then what I know now I would've run like the devil was at my heels.

Feeling like crap, so I'm out for now.

Till next time.....