The good things, the bad things... just things

I thought maybe, just maybe I would have something positive to say here today. The day was 'okay,' though not great. The anxiety is never-ending, but then... that's just a 'thing' too, isn't it? But I forced myself to go to Magnolia to do photos because it had been SO long. Frankly, it's been so long since I've been 'just me' that I'm not even sure who that person is anymore.

Yes yes.. I realize how negative this all sounds.... but here is basically the place I purge the bad, to let it flow out in a string of words, sentences, paragraphs.... sometimes ad nauseum. Be that as it may....

I'm not throwing a pity party. I don't feel 'sorry' for myself. Self-pity isn't helpful OR attractive, and I have no plans on indulging in either of those. My situation is what it is, and what I need most right now.. isn't pity... but encouragement, a little cheering on perhaps. Whatever happened to positive reinforcement, anyway?

I have plans. I have wishes. I have dreams. They all live and breathe within me in my heart of hearts. I keep these things close, hear them in my sleep and feel them stir in the quiet moments. They serve as a reminder that I'm still alive and a part of this world... not yet a ghost. So why do I feel like one? I know why... just not ready to talk about it here just yet.

I've lost so much, but those plans, those wishes, and those dreams... i'm holding onto for dear life. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can hold onto these things. But for now... I still have them.

At the moment, like so many times, there is great difficulty in speaking candidly about what's going on. At the moment, like so many times, I'm afraid to say aloud those things I think, contemplate, even know.... I'm not sure HOW to digest them in the context of my life. Yes, I realize how weird and confusing that sounds, but trust me... it's not confusing to me and makes more sense than anything else I know right now.

I am made to feel ashamed of who I am. I am made to feel unworthy on so many levels. I fight every single day to find some semblance of peace, acceptance, understanding. Yet I also feel like I'm trapped in a time in which I don't belong. Frankly, I feel like I'm from another planet most days because I simply just can't seem to fit in anywhere. And NO.. this is NOT a pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself... I simply want understanding so I can change things... if they are, in fact, able to change.

Decompression.... a soft place to fall....

I wish for both of those things. I have a desperate (yes, the 'd' word) need to take a vacation from my life, to have (just for a little while) that feeling of contentment, joy, bliss. No one can truly take a vacation from their life. I mean, not really. We can divert the mind, the body, trick ourselves into believing we are 'away from it all.' I don't have that ability, however. Not just yet anyway. But I hope to.

I want so much to just have the criticism and judgment to stop. When it comes from someone you love---it's powerful and can knock you to your knees in an instant. There has been so much lately...

I just want (need) a rest from it all. I want SO much to not have to defend myself or to be tried and convicted of being.... 'me.' GUILTY AS CHARGED!

I'm empty at the moment, so I apologize if this entry makes NO sense to you.

.....E.

I get SO close to knowing what to do....

...but when I get there to that point... something happens and I'm in full-blown doubt again.

Moving isn't easy for anyone, and it's really REALLY not easy for me at all. There's been too much moving in the latter half of my life, and I'd prefer, actually I NEED stability now. I'm not 25 anymore, so the idea of 'new places and new people' doesn't do anything for me anymore. Well, unless we're talking 'vacation.' But that's another matter.

These decisions are difficult, so when I'm faced with looking at the pros and cons of it all, I sometimes find myself unable to make a firm decision. No, well, that's not entirely true, because I HAVE made the decision to move a couple of times now and have always had something happen to make me take a step back and reconsider. Today is one of those days. Well, actually tonight is one of those nights.

I have a LOT to consider before taking that huge plunge into 'somewhere else.' Where I'm considering moving isn't home, isn't a place I'm relocating for a promotion or promising job with lots of income, nor is it a move due to wanting to be closer to family or good friends. So I have to have SOMETHING to hang onto, look forward to, some reason (other than 'love') to move. Because, let's face it... the LOVE word doesn't EVER guarantee anything, does it?

So far..any direction I look to for a move ends the same. The compass points to nowhere and nothing, just places where I would be a stranger in the midst of strangers. So what's the point? Moving for a boyfriend can be a GREAT reason to move. But it seems to me that it would make more sense if things were more stable. Am I right on this one??

And there is this other little 'thing' of late---age. Not just 'age' itself, but where I am at this late date is something I have to consider when making any decision at all... not just about moving, but about everything.

I guess at almost 49 I have to have some stability in a relationship, and when the stability is unstable then I have to consider that when making choices with regards to my life and the relationship I'm in. Since I'm NOT 25yrs old and can't see having 'my whole life ahead of me,' I can't realistically entertain the idea that if this relationship doesn't work out... then there's always next time. Cripes. Next time? No way, Jose. If I haven't gotten it right by 50.. that's IT! And this is something I made my mind up about many, many years ago.

And what life I have left ahead of me, well, I want to have happiness, joy, acceptance, adventure, love, lust, passion, excitement, stability, intimacy.... etc. And not in that particular order, mind you. But still.. you get the drift I'm sure. I really don't want one trial run after the other. I want to have stability, and I want very much to have someone to share my life with. I'm too tired to go from relationship to relationship. I'm done with that sort of thing. I've 'trialed and errored' myself to death on that one.

So this is it. This relationship I see as my last. Not being bitter. Not being melancholy. Not being cynical. I'm dead serious. I love being in love as much as anyone, but the in and out of love and change and breakups and dating and... and... ugh. I'm done. If this one doesn't work out, I'm done with the dating thing. I simply don't have the energy for it anymore.

Given that this is it, that this relationship is the last one, this makes the decision of WHERE I move or IF I move even more critical. There has to be something for me wherever I go besides just the relationship. I mean, if he broke up with me or I with him.. I'd be living somewhere where I didn't have anyone. I couldn't live like that, so I would once again be looking to move.

It's a huge life decision at this point.

Huge.

I've been waiting for that 'sign' from the Universe or God... to tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I know what I WANT...

And in the meantime.. that damn compass just keeps spinning....

About that compass....

For life, that is....

It's come down to one simple fact: I have to move.

There's nothing here for me in Mobile. No sense in going into all the business as to why, so I won't do that. But it's a fact just the same, and my question now is----where do I go from here?

God.. I really wish I knew the answer to that question. At one point I thought I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but it seems that every time I make plans and ACT in moving in that direction... something goes wrong and doubt sets in.

My goal was to move to the area where my bf lives, but moving is expensive and I'm not working at the moment. There's also a plethora of 'conditions' that keep things unfavorable for a move at all. But even so, I was willing to do whatever it takes to make that move. However, I've also been seeing little things along the way that give me pause and great concern over making such a gigantic leap.

And I'm on my own anyway, no matter where I live or who I live near. Given that I tend to feel completely disconnected from anything and anyone. I guess that may be a bit confusing when it's put like that, but let me explain....

Parents both dead, and gone for MANY MANY years. No family ties to speak of (long story), and kids can't really help out because of their own financial situations, layoffs and such. I've not lived in one place long enough (thanks to my last relationship) to make any friends. No state or city I call home because there's been SO much moving all along the way.

No connections. No family ties. No friends. It's a strange, strange way to live.

I spent a couple of hours or so today looking for apartments for rent near where my bf lives, but I didn't really see or find anything helpful, especially since I don't live there and have no clue as to what areas to avoid, etc. And my last relationship wrecked my credit something fierce, so I'm screwed when it comes to the credit check for renting a place. The other thing is.. no job. And when I move.. I won't have a job. Most of the rental places say they require proof of income, and some even said 'substantial income.' What's odd about that is that the rent on a couple of those place that required a 'substantial income' were only $500/mo. Now some may not agree, but I think if one were to have a substantial income that they would be looking for something a little more upscale than what you'd get for $500/mo.

No matter. I don't really qualify for much of anything anyway. So what's next... a tent in the woods?

Well, I got way off - track with that huge paragraph above.

The point is this: I already have a decent apartment in a lovely historic neighborhood. I pay only $400/mo so it's a pretty good deal. I wish I had a bigger place so I wouldn't have to rent a storage unit. BUT... moving will deplete my savings. Moving doesn't guarantee that I won't be as alone as I am here.

The rent when I move will be much more. My bf and I have been having issues, so.... there is the possibility of having NO ONE where I live if things go very wrong. I wish things were different. I wish I felt that sense of 'safe and secure.' I wish I had a soft place to fall.

I'm being broken up with several times a month. I've recently learned he's told at least one of his ex gf's that I'm not 'it,' and his seal of fate on that really changed how I saw the relationship, my life within that relationship, my role in the world, etc. And I'm back to feeling like I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Or.. at least I've not found a place where I fit in. Doesn't mean I won't find or have that one day. I just don't have it right now. So be it.

What I want...

A place I can call home.
A place in the world where I feel safe and secure.
To feel loved ALL of the time, and not just part of the time.
To trust that the person in my life has my back as I have theirs.

I could go on forever with that list, but I won't. No need really. I want what most want. I want what most have.

Where is that soft place to fall when you need it the most?

Wow. I've NOT said so much here.

The 'fine' art of micromanaging someone else's life

I'm 48 years old, and I may have fell off the turnip truck... but it wasn't yesterday.

I spent the better part of 11 years with a person who was a complete control freak. I allowed it to happen--let's not go into the why's and where-for's of that--but I'm NOT willing to allow that to happen again. So... why does it seem as if I'm doing just that? <---rhetorical question.

I can make my own decisions, right or wrong, and I accept (as all adults should) the consequences of my decisions, actions, choices, and so forth. I'm not an idiot and my IQ is well above average, so I really don't need someone telling me constantly how to live my life. I also don't need anyone continuously telling me what I'm doing wrong either.

If someone has advice to give, fine. I can listen to advice. But there is NO law, moral, ethical, legal, etc. that says I HAVE to take the advice given and DO anything with it. My life, my choice. Period.

My tolerance for certain stressful situations these days is pretty slim. I might even venture to say that it's possible I have a 'close to zero' tolerance for stress. Along with that lack of tolerance for stress is another intolerance---being told what to do and how to do it, then being raked over the coals (so to speak) when I choose to NOT take that advice. That being said.... I'm going to try and move on to the actual subject.

I'm not okay with having joy stripped away. I'm not okay with my mood and energy being crushed when I'm feeling on top of the world. It's NOT okay to do that to me, or to anyone. It's simply not.

Today began a bit stressful, mostly due to a scheduling conflict between two very important things. No biggie. I knew I'd find a way to make it work, and worst case scenario was that one of the things may have to be put off for one day. Like I said.. no biggie. And... everything worked out wonderfully....

I was at the cusp of hearing good news about something (the something being unimportant at the moment) when.... the good news "I" was to deliver was poo poo'd and shoved indifferently to the side. But it didn't stop there.....

Not only was the good news given to me washed away in the minutes following, but my own good news wasn't 'good' according to the person I was telling. Well, let me tell you this.. trust me.. the news WAS good! Most people would have been THRILLED because, well, the person I was telling was going to benefit in more ways than one by this news.

Getting past the vagueness of the above paragraph.... the phone call was nearly ended with "So what was your good news?" Boy. That was a blow and a half. My response was simply.. "I guess I don't have any."

I was SO stressed by the lecture I was given with regards to a choice I made about my phone service (yes, it was about phone service. Go figure), SO stressed... that the anxiety was almost rendering me dysfunctional. No exaggeration. I've had more than my share of anxiety, stress, worry, etc., and I'd gotten to a place where I was mostly relaxing and not worrying overly much about anything. Worries still exist, but I was handling them. But then this 'thing' had to happen, a good thing turned 'bad' by... well, seriously, I really don't 'get it.' All I know is that it was a complete buzzkill, and I had some pretty good things happen today and didn't need it all crushed to bits.

Dammit.. I deserve to have a little peace, a little relaxation, and a little dignity! Grrrrrrr.

Why is it that some people can't seem to understand that not all of us have the same needs, likes, dislikes, ideas and ideals, etc. We make the choices we make and that should be that. In my particular case, in this particular situation.. I was left (and not for the first time, mind you) feeling as if I'd not only been talked to like I was a child, but scolded like one as well.

My money. My life. My choices. Damn the consequences!

If I mess up, then I mess up. I don't need anyone micromanaging my life to the point where I feel like a robot who's being moved about via remote control.

This won't be up long. It's a rant. And there is another part to this, though most of the pieces of this puzzle will be missing and the connection most likely won't be made unless you've heard the entire story (which I'm not posting here).

I'm tired, frustrated, depressed, and unwilling to allow this to happen to me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The art of respecting others seems to be a LOST art.

Again

I looked about at the pitiful few posts I've allowed to remain here. But then.. that's what I've always done with blogs---the posts are there a short time, then gone. Most anyway.

Again. Back here again... and why? It's rarely ever about anything good, now is it? I must sound like the most negative individual who ever existed, because all I 'sound about' here is the bad things. But then.... this particular blog IS called "My Lost and Found," and for good reason. I reserve the better stuff for "The Wishing Place." Makes sense, doesn't it?

At any rate.. "Again" means something else entirely here. And trust me.. I'm trying VERY hard NOT to be vague, but I have a real time with expressing things bluntly. I will, however, give it my best shot...

So what the title should REALLY say is "Dumped Again." Honestly.. that would be a more accurate title.

A few people know of this on again/off again relationship I'm in/out of. But just recently have I given anyone the url to this VERY private place. So be warned.. there is NO telling what you'll see or hear here, because it's my sounding board, the panic room (now that's a good title for a blog!), and sometimes even my soft place to fall.

There are times when you may think I'm simply doing the 'whoa is me' thing, but trust me... I'm really working things out here.

Now.. back to the blog, the entry, the confessional (OOH! Another good title for a blog!)....

The on again/off again relationship is now in the 'off' position. And just today I had hope... for about 2 hours. It's hard to explain, and maybe it really doesn't need explanation. But my gosh... how is it that one person can feel and give SO much and it simply not be recognized by the person they're giving it to? Let's put this another way...

Love, profound. that's what I would call it should a title or label be required. I fell pretty hard, and wow.. I really thought things would go very differently.

But you know.. in the midst of feeling SO much love and adoration for someone...I never felt so unwanted and unliked. And I promise you I'm not being cruel or unkind or mean-spirited by saying this. I've even told him.. "You may love me, but I don't think you like me."

It's true. At least from where I'm sitting, on the receiving end, it's true. And it's heartbreaking.

*sigh* It's 2:47am and I'm exhausted beyond anything I've known (another talk show). So this topic is going to take several entries, I'm afraid.... so bear with me.. more tomorrow....

...Tomorrow... July 4th. :( I was supposed to spend the holiday with the man I'm in love with. Best I let that one go for now.

In the meantime... until I post more on this later today... I'm including the lyrics to a song that just simply seems to fit. It's been here on the blog for some time, and you can hear it now.. or should hear it now on the player...

Tragic Figure
by Assemblage 23

Once you had it all
And threw it all away
Day became your night
Night became your day

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How you turned up here?

Peel away the layers
Wash away the past
Progress that you made
Never seemed to last

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How you turned up here?

You are just a ghost
You are just a shell
You are just a shadow
But its just as well

Did it ever rain
When the skies were clear?
Does it help explain
How your turned up here?