Too soon?

Naaaaaah.  Not for me.....

Better late than never, right???

For those of you who said you preferred the audio blog entries.  Was done a couple of days ago, so I will try to make another one sometime Thursday when I have free time. :)

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Dealing. Just dealing.

I've dealt with enough crap this morning to last a lifetime.  Unearthed is the truth, something I'll have to deal with one day at a time, one decision at a time.  After posting in This Free Spirit I've little left to say, as I'm spent emotionally.  Overall, I'm glad to have the benefit of the truth, even if it's not pretty.  Not being one to like my head in the sand I will just face what actually IS, rather than pretend all is well in my world.  It's just the reality of life.

Dealing with health issues, the indifference and lack of compassion from T, seeing a glimmer of what 'could' be once I'm well again... is a lot to process every day.  Maybe not so much for someone healthier, but it certainly is for me.  I suppose I can just say it's keeping me on my toes.

For the most part today I feel betrayed and stuck in a life that I'm not at all fitting into.  I miss MY life but accept that sacrifices are made with a relationship, be it marriage or something else.  The betrayal I refer to is that, once again, I've a situation where I'm with someone who pretended one thing and is actually another.  I don't like that at all.  He's not evil or abusive, so don't get me wrong.  But what he hid and the lies he told DO have an impact on life, especially mine.

For heaven's sake, why can't people just be HONEST about who they are?!

My morning was riddled with anxiety and stress, so I'm paying the price for that today with fatigue, discomfort, elevated pain level.... and just a dull feeling of sadness that is going to take some work to overcome.  It's not depression really, but more like heavy disappointment laced with anger.

My view of life is somewhat distorted as I spend the majority of my time alone.  I'm once again disconnected from the greater part of living--meaning the outside world.  Too sick to get out of the house, and in a place I've not been in but for a short time means... I don't know anyone.  It's a familiar situation, I'm afraid, and it's not my choice but more my circumstances.  But this disconnection does hinder the healing process, which isn't going well at all but actually getting worse.

Another day of dealing with what I already deal with, and also new challenges.

Well... till tomorrow......

Flat-Lined.

It's not as dramatic as it appears.  I'm referring to just feeling down.  I've posted in a couple of other blogs over the past week, but I'm having trouble posting in all of them right now.  Sincerely, I want to.  I do.  But I've been very sick and it's basically kicked my butt for the most part.  Still, I have things I want to talk about, things I would like to talk WITH someone about.  It's not always that easy, though, is it?  The communication process between humans these days has become ridiculously complicated and full of boobytraps.

It's not boredom.  I'm not bored but frustrated that my physical body and my emotional body are at odds.  I'm not living life.  I'm definitely not living MY life.  Anything that resembles 'life' is filtered through T, and that's no life at all.  No one, and I mean no one who has to filter their life through someone else's won't do it for long and will eventually, out of necessity, find a way out so they can breathe again, live again.  It's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN---always.

There's not much else I can say to paint a picture that you'd understand to any real degree.  That's not saying you guys aren't intelligent but rather than I'm having a difficult time expressing myself.  It's not you, it's me! lol

I have a friend, however, that I used to speak with quite often, someone who gets me almost intuitively, and I've not spoken to him in a while.  But he's always there when I reach out.  He lives in Atlanta, so it's not like we hang out.  When I speak to him, even via email, I feel 'heard' and respected.  His responses to questions etc are spot-on and given attention as if they're important.  He says.. they are important.  It's the same when he reaches out.  We have a wonderful friendship, unique really, and he's easy to talk to.  I did have another very good friend in CA but... he's lost his way to the occupy movement and has become one of those self-loathing whites who's associated himself with B L M.  I don't speak to him anymore--he's gone quite nuts and isn't even himself anymore.  But my Atlanta friend is exactly who he was when I met him some 14 years ago.

It's wonderful having a friend like that, it really is.  And he says I'm a great friend to him... he's one o the most awesome people I know, so there's love there, always has been.  There is, however, a very real difference between having to speak on the phone or email etc., and actually being able to hug that friend and say hello, etc.  Oh well.  It is what it is.  All I know is that if not for him... the misery would be beyond tolerable.

So what does all this mean?  It means SSDD.  I wish I could say something encouraging, that I'll be right back on track again and posting about more interesting aspects of life and more.  But the truth is, I'm still sick and feeling awful.  All I can do is frequent my blogs when I can and post about what's real.

Hopefully, and with prayer and perseverance, the narrative here will change--soon.

Twilight--my favorite time of day.

It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink.  Stay awake.  Just stay awake.

Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways.  I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?

Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know.  While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling.  I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.

Creativity sleeps.  Dreams are too distant to remember.  Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved.  Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul.  The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness.  It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.

I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce.  The battle is a quiet one below the surface....

This is one crazy ride.

Seems like I spend most of my time in speculation regarding my current circumstances.  If there were any other direction in which to channel my focus I would certainly do so.  I mean, no one likes to be bombarded by the kicks, knocks, and out-right punches life sometimes dishes out, and when these are broken by even an occasional time-out then... well, rest and recovery is the only real way to make withstanding the worst possible.  Not to say we're destined to buckle under the onslaught, but it certainly makes it easier to get back up when you have the strength and clarity to do just that.

I'm a bit lacking on the strength and clarity thing these days.

Introspection is the name of the game these days, and I've gotten pretty damn good at being able to look at myself and ask the right questions.  The answers to my questions, however, are a bit harder to find as the questions themselves seem to shift and change and grow more numerous by the day.  Still, looking, asking, and listening for those important responses from 'self' remain the most important part of healing; for me, this is absolutely essential.

Yeah, it's one of those days where I've yet to determine the course of my life.

I'm freaking lost (no surprise there).

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

What is worth more than this day?

I've been blog by blog, fueled by a little too much coffee this morning.  And yet I feel accomplished as I discover that, once again, my mind has cleared a little (thanks to the Prednisone??) and I'm able to get my thoughts out.  My other blogs, well all of them, are being filled with ideas, expectations, hope, contemplations... and I am feeling uplifted for the moment...

It's another day.  It's another day living with an autoimmune disease that is far from reaching remission.  I know the deal, summon the patience needed to accept the situation and it's processes, the time it will take to reach remission.  1-2 years.  I can do this if I focus.  Yes, there will be good days and bad days and struggles and set-backs, but there will also be victories.  It is what it is.

Acceptance.

Today began a little rough, not feeling well in the least.  However, and maybe not the best idea, I used a bit of extra caffein to boost myself to the next level here.  It worked.  So far it worked.  I can't do this every day, obviously not healthy, but I can do it when I need to.

Today is a good day.  And I'm going to get some things done.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Always.  But that's life, isn't it?  In the meantime I will take advantage of what energy I have, even if it is caffein-induced, and I will use it for what needs done.  Oh but I would love to have a take-it-easy kind of day, actually NEED that.  But not today.  Not today.

So I will listen to music, have this last cup of coffee, and find the drive and determination to complete tasks that are, quite frankly, not the easiest things for me right now.

I'm tired.  So tired.  But today is a good day.  And I'll take that.

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

The Non-Gift Giver and The Gift of Giving

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Screw Circular Logic

All that LOA crap doesn't work the way you think it does, and if you get sucked in too far you will actually be a strong negative influence on other people's lives!  I won't apologize for buying into the whole LOA thing, as it mostly relies on 'duh' statements and circular logic, both of which really mean absolutely nothing, teaches absolutely nothing, and yield's absolutely nothing.  IMHO, the ONLY true form of LOA is being awake!  Get that?  Being awake!

Being awake means you're not walking about with rose-colored glasses on, filtering every thought and deed through a common thought.  Being awake means you SEE, you HEAR, and you act accordingly.

Just because you 'believe' and 'feel good' and are 'positive' doesn't mean you can walk across a busy interstate and make it to the other side unscathed.  Oh, you might die HAPPY and POSITIVE, but you're still going to die!

"You don't feel good because you're happy.  You're happy because you feel good."  Even in the reverse this means exactly the same thing, taking both sides of the argument in this case.  Circular logic or reasoning, or.. false reasoning.

The above is a direct quote from a well-known LOA speaker and 'guru.'  And it's a blatant example of circular logic.  It's easy for people to buy into because it appears simple on the surface.  And guess what?  It IS simple, because it really means nothing at all because it fails to give any information.

I guess I'm ranting on this because I see people on social media posting about this LOA thing, something that turns people into intolerant beasts when they embrace it full-on... which I never did.  It made no sense to me, and it went totally against my Christian beliefs.  That conflict was never going to be left alone to play itself out, like good vs evil, until one or the other won.  Who the hell needs that anyway?  Not me.  I chose my faith and good sense over LOA.

Now, I don't mean to belittle anyone who believes in LOA.  If it works for you, then so be it.  My own beliefs are such that I'm not going to blame people for the bad that's happened to them in their lives, nor am I going to steer clear of people simply because they're struggling with something.  That's just unkind and selfish.

Just freakin' be kind to others, people!

Okay.. hopping off the soapbox....

PART 2: Priorities Revealed

Assuming you've read PART 1, I won't rehash the entire experience.  And I've spoken of my disappointment (for lack of a better word) in that T has the worst hierarchy of priorities that I've seen in a few years.  And in light of his absence during yesterday's procedure shows me more than ever where he is, who he is, and what he is.

When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me.  The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.

I told him T had dropped me off and went to work;  and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved.  He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived.  The radiologist left the room, and I called T...

T's reaction?  "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."

I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all.  And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt.  I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.

The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind.  In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.

What does this mean?  That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer.  I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with.  Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts?  I'm certainly beginning to think so.

I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving.  But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier.  Because that's what it all boils down to.  The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.

A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible.  T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn.  I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn.  I just wanted to go home and rest.  That's all.  Just go home and rest.  But that wasn't about to happen.  T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.

This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships.  At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.

Deja vu.

I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday.  I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.

I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

What I learned

Every experience I've had has taught me more than I really wanted to learn, and it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows.  The good stuff wouldn't be recognized as 'good' if there weren't any basis for comparison.  While I grit my teeth and muddle through the bad, I still dream of a future where the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Is that just asking too much?

NO!

I can only take so much.

The sticking point for me these days is a past that comes back to haunt me.  As I've said before, closure in situations of loss is necessary, no matter WHAT people try to tell me (and themselves).  You can't push it aside, or bury it deep, or completely ignore it because it absolutely WILL drag you down to the depths of hell-on-earth while you may be completely oblivious to the signs.

I am well aware of why I can't get closure.  I've been told why, but it was unnecessary.  It took a few steps, introspection, and I had to take a huge step back to see the truth.  When it finally came into focus I was completely taken aback by the sheer force of what I was shown.  My God, how did I not SEE???!!

All that confusion, all that not knowing who the hell he was from one day to the next, all that unrecognizable behavior, the words, the everything.  I didn't question, and that was my first mistake.  I put the rose-colored glasses on and blissfully went through the world in a daze of utter ignorance to my situation, of who and what I was dealing with.  Oh, I've stopped asking myself WHY I did it, because I've gone past that and know better now.  But I still have so many times when I mourn the loss of that person...

Mourning still because there wasn't anyone to say goodbye to.  Why?... because I fell in love with someone who didn't exactly exist! 

This revelation, when it came, knocked the wind out of me and created a sense of loss unlike anything I'd ever known.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why did it take so long to let go?  Why does it still haunt me today?  The reason is stated clearly above, and it's impossible to say goodbye to someone who never existed in the first place.

So who the f**k did I fall in love with?  Not sure, really, as I didn't exactly get to know him that well except for the dark stuff.

How did I manage to move on?... Well I've not moved on totally, which means I haven't moved on.  Strange as it may sound BOTH are true.

I just keep working through it--the confusion.  I mean, what else is there to do?  There was never any closure to allow me to move to the next level and stay there.  The grieving process for breakups is the same as when someone dies, and the process is rather circular... at least for a time.  Back and forth you go through the stages until you reach the final stage that sets you free--acceptance.  While I ACCEPTED the situation for what it is, accepting the breakup isn't exactly what happened, because I'd no idea WHO it was I broke up with.  The person I was in love with changed SO drastically that it took my breath away--and in all the WRONG ways, I assure you.

The less I recognized him the more confused I became, and a part of me continued to search for the person I'd fallen in love with.  This was the cycle I was trapped in while still with him.  While blindsided by the behavior, the sneaking around, and so forth... I still forgave because I was erroneously convinced that he was still the person I fell in love with.  Yet, I didn't SEE anything at all that I actually recognized!  Nothing at all.  The face was the same.  The voice was the same.  But everything else---NOT at all recognizable.

Look, I know people go through events and situations in their lives that change them for a short time; but eventually they get back to themselves again.  Also, the person they are shines through despite what's happening and the resulting behavior etc changes.  I get this.  I've gone through it myself.  However, the absence of ANYTHING recognizable in that person was the most perplexing part of the whole thing, leaving me to ask inwardly and often.... "WHO are you??!!"

I still learned much from the ordeal, and I know exactly what I won't deal with ever again.  I also know exactly what I want.  No one is perfect, and I don't expect perfection, but I do know what's right for me... now.

More on this later....

Settings change for 'adult content'

First let me say the settings we changed due to some subject matter which will be discussed occasionally.  While I work on talking openly about issues that NEED addressing, some of those issues are going to be sexual in nature.  I think it only fair to warn you guys.

Many of you won't care as I've had these settings in place before.  I removed the settings and decided not to talk of anything 'sensitive' some time back, and I did this due to an increasing necessity to protect myself by withholding much of what's going on within and without.

Things are changing, and I'm fully planning on going with the flow here.  If you can hang---cool.  If you can't hang---I certainly understand.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...