Thoughts, Scattered.

I'm assuming the title doesn't require explanation... ;)

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme above.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

M... please listen to this carefully.  And anyone who may need to hear this... Praying for anyone who's been subjected to this.

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

PART I: Deciphering Indifference: Don't waste my time

It's a chronic problem with T.  It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever.  People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are.  The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart.  It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own.  It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you... FEEL.  And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.

Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.

When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual.  Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting.  Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively.  That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing.  But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.

I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.

Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening.  On the contrary.  I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself.  If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer.  At least not to me.

While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.

Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...

In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health.  It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.

Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert.  With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are.  A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side.  Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.

Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me.  I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT.  I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air.  Literally gasping for air.  This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep.  But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on.  He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.

I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help.  I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER.  Was it concerning?  Of course it was!  But I believed it would pass.  And it did.. after I fell asleep.  I was exhausted by the experience.  Utterly exhausted.

The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before.  What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what.  But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary.  This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.

T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin.  He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time.  I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.

Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent."  He's not plugged in.  He's not at all invested.  And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on.  He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way.  *sigh*

There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health.  It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.

I'm exhausted.  Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare.  If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!

A Beautiful Mess

I often think; here is this unrecognizable person in a completely unrecognizable life.  What do I do about finding my place.  Dear God, but this is a common topic, isn't it?  There's a reason for that, and that reason is quite simple; I've yet to know the answer.

Monday-Friday are the easiest days of the week, the best days really.  I'm alone, but that gives me a moment to take a deep breath and try to navigate on this crumpled map whose lines and defining points have faded or become too abused to be read anymore.  If I'm to find my way it will require intuiting and an enormous amount of courage.  Without a sense of direction there's no telling where I'll end up when I reach the unknowable destination.  I guess I'm okay with that, though.

One thing I can say is that I can clearly see my destination.  Well, okay.. most of it.  But I see enough to know where I should be.  And isn't that really what we need to know?  Isn't that the most important information of all?  I certainly think so.

So many plans; so many thoughts and dreams colliding all at once.  It's a beautiful mess.

The Spaces Between the Seconds

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

Here I am for all the right/wrong reasons

Posting in 3 different blogs.  By the time I get to the last one, I'm often pretty exhausted, often so drained that I can't think of anything I want to talk about.  Oh, there is plenty I NEED to talk about, but I've not really taken that step in baring my soul here, or on the other two.  I'm not sure I'm making the right decision NOT talking about anything.  But then, so much of what I think I know of my health or any other life situation hasn't exactly had any final confirmation as to where it's all going.

All I know is that there are serious health issues I'm dealing with and am in the midst of waiting for test results to know where things go from here.  Life stuff, outside of health anyway, is a royal pain in the ass, to be honest.  No way am I going to figure that out anytime soon.  Basically, I'm left with a steaming pile of dissension.

Sheesh.

Maybe I can think a little clearer later....

Where Am I?

Lost in the sluggishness of a muscle relaxer, my thinking may not be as sharp as it could be.  Dr's love to prescribe those things, and in some cases I'm sure they're a great idea.  Just not so in MY particular case.  But I do trust my doctor and, therefore, will do a two week trial of this stuff.  Nasty stuff, Flexuril.. and way too many side effects.  TWO PAGES of them!  Ugh.  But that's not what I'm here to talk about.  Just thought it may be a good idea to mention what I'm taking in case my thought processes are a little off today.

Bluntly speaking, it's been a f'kd up few days.  Had the EGD and colonoscopy the other day, and the outcome was a little confusing really.  My doctor removed a 'precancerous polyp' and said I have to have a colonoscopy once every 3 years.  Those who've had to go through those procedures know one BIG fact about them---the procedure isn't anything to worry about, but the prep SUCKS!!!!  I really wish I could just get it done every 10 years like low-risk folks.  OMG.  I won't even go into it, but I really REALLY hate going through the prep.

I'm also waiting on the results of my heart echo, and I had my chest CT done yesterday to re-check the lung nodule and to get a full view of the lungs.  The nodule was found during an echo of my abdomen (kidney stones), so the dr needs a full view of what else is there, if anything, and to see if there's been any change since the first CT.

About those CT's... anyone who's had them or having them needs to know that the radiation is cumulative!

My own history with CTs and other imaging is below (not exactly in order):

April of 2013      CT (head)

                           P.E.T. (head)

                           MRI (head and chest)

January 2013    CT

                           P.E.T. scan done on my chest.

May 2015           CT (dental)

August 2015      CT chest. 

March 2015        CT head/mouth at the dentist.

February 2014   CT at ENT

The above does NOT include x-rays.

That is a lot of exposure.  So I guess I need to make sure that the doctors understand how often I've had these in the past 2 years.  Honestly, I didn't really know it was that critical.

Oh well.  Live and learn, right?

Amidst all the health crap and various other things going on, I find myself wondering where the hell I am most of the time.  Yeah, yeah... that's nothing new, but the matter has become far more important now than it has been in the past.

Blah-blah-blah.  I'm a bit unfocused today.  Damn Flexeril.

Reminder: My other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

Playing it safe

It's safe to say I'm playing it safe.  While every fiber of my being screams "SAY IT!"... I simply don't.    Timing is everything, even when it comes to speaking my mind online in a relatively 'safe' place like a blog.  Not exactly sure where to go with this, because I want very much just to let it all out, vent, whatever one wants to call it...

I will.  Eventually.

At some point I know I will have to.  No one has gotten healthier by holding their feelings in, blotting them out, pretending they're not there, or otherwise...hiding from them.  "Oh, by all means, run," says the the voice inside that cares little about what this does to a person's peace of mind.  And I don't make running a habit these days.  On the contrary.  Face it, say it out loud, deal with it now.. or deal with it later when it's done damage and can barely be controlled.  But that damn voice....

I'm not running.  But I'm not dealing with it either.  Looking for something, but... unsure what it is, exactly.  And I sometimes make it a habit to speak in generalities here, when what's in my mind is far from, well, 'general.'  In fact, I'm quite specific with what I want to say.  A lot of good that does me.

Today is no different.  Talking endlessly and not saying a damn thing.  Some of you who know me well can guess, and maybe you'll be close to the truth.  Maybe some of you will be spot-on.

WTH is it so hard for me to speak my mind here?  WHY is it so difficult to be blunt?

What is it that I'm afraid of?

When things sit in "Draft" for two years...

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

A set of expressions

I'm worn out from posting in two parts on one of my other blogs--Where Fireflies Dream.  So forgive me if this is less than scintillating or entertaining.  What you'll see here is a little bit of what's left after unloading.  It happens.


In the midst of doctors' visits, lab work, diagnosis' that have, till now, been ridiculously vague, I feel exhausted inside and out.  Doesn't mean I've given up---just given out.

"You have Myositis," he said.  But even as he spoke with certainty he left room for the possibility that this isn't the case, and mostly I think that because he ordered more blood work to repeat labs already done (that were abnormal), and to add a couple that weren't previously done but needed.

Duodenal ulcer will be confirmed or discounted as a Dx when the EGD is done in 3 weeks.  Autoimmune Hepatitis.. unsure how he intends to proceed with confirming or discounting that one.  My follow up appt is 2 weeks after the procedures.  I have a long wait ahead of me.

As I wait for the new lab work results, I can't help but feel somewhat anxious.  Myositis being a diagnosis mostly of exclusion, I know that what 'may' lie ahead isn't going to be cut and dried nor easy.  C'est la vie.  Right?  I know this and can accept it.  But it's not easy.  I truly want someone to finally tell me what's wrong and what's to be done.  It's long overdue.  And yet, from what I've discovered during my research is that most people go to several doctors before getting a diagnosis.  In my case, I think the buck will stop with Dr. V.  He knows his stuff.  He obtained his degree at Johns Hopkins and chose to come back to AL to be near his family.  He seems very confident in what where he's going with all of this.

But DAMN if I just wish we could get on with it so I can begin the process of healing.

This waiting sucks.  And this waiting really sucks because I have to do it alone.  Blogging about a little of it is all I really have.  So be it.  Hopefully I'll get my life back once we figure out FOR SURE what's going on and how best to deal with the problem.

Till next time.....

Dreams--OMG, just stop it!

Insomnia isn't one of the highlights of anyone's day/night, but it is my reality for now.  I won't go into all the factors involved, but handling the liver issue and finally getting the new mattress delivered will be a great start to things.  In the meantime, I deal as best I can.  And what this means is laying in bed, awake, until anywhere between 2am and 5am.  I never know how the fabric of my night will feel until I'm actually there---wool or velvet, clouds or chainmail.  Either way, sleep eventually comes, and with it... the dreams.

Recurring dreams are also a part of my reality--and it's been this way since childhood.  Similar themes, but rarely ever the exact same dream, all leaving me to wake up feeling positively haunted.  Not as in actual ghosts (that's another talk show), but ghosts of my past.  No, this isn't unique or unusual, because most of us, if not all of us, have dreams of this nature.  I'm definitely not saying mine or more or less extraordinary than anyone else, but they are extraordinary to me.

One person in particular ends up being the star of the show, and in a way that is truly unsettling, especially when I end up waking up bewildered, confused, and feeling... *sigh*.. never mind.  I won't dwell on something I cannot understand for the life of me.  Yeah.  So I tell myself.

The situations, the symmetry and context of these dreams are always curious in that they're not unhappy in the least.  Perhaps a little melancholy, but...still so incredibly intriguing.  Exciting places, beautiful houses, as was such in the most recent one (last night/this morning).  The part that sticks with me the most is sitting with this person on the porch of a white house... flowers in the tall bushes surrounding the area.. shade, soft breezes, a chair swing (also white)... having drinks outside while talking.  And the conversation eludes me, though I do recall it was extremely important.

Well, I'm sure my subconscious was paying attention...

So where does this leave me today?  Contemplating.  As usual.

Just...contemplating.

As 'enlightening' as these experiences FEEL like they are, it's too damn unsettling to do any real good, even IF I knew what the message is supposed to be.  So...dear, subconscious...if you're not going to allow me the opportunity to understand the message... dreams---OMG, just stop it already!

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." --"Dig" by Incubus

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person it makes me think about.   2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Emotional Detox (can you handle it?)

Warning!  This is an emotional detox, and I'm not going to apologize for what falls onto the 'page' here.  As with any detox, this is purging the poison, a self-cleansing if you will.  If you can't handle the non-fluffy-bunny rant here, then this is your queue to exit, stage left, while you still have the chance.

Thoughts are rather disorganized at the moment with so much converging at once.  I can't really sort things out where they make sense--just too f*cking much going on.  And yet I will try, as maybe rambling will at least get it all out of my system.

I won't promise my language will be clean.  Again, this is an emotional purging of sorts.  Of sorts.  That's the key, isn' it?  Because I'm not convinced I can completely open up here..even after all this time, after all the very close calls I've had regarding just spilling my guts for the whole world to see.

Whatever.

Waiting on doctor appointments, face to face with people who say they are specialists.  Will any of them listen, or attempt to get down to what's causing all of this?  Maybe.  I wouldn't know.  The waiting game sucks in a huge way--THAT I do know.  I also know how utterly tired I am of dealing with the physical crap going on with me, not knowing how to fix it myself, what to do/not do, or even how to DEAL with it.  Yes, I took care of the majority of the stomach pain with getting BACK on a PPI (Proton Pump Inhibitor), and DAMN was I not happy about that.  I just took myself OFF of one, convinced that it had to be causing most of the problems, if not all.  Then had to go to yet another type of drug that is NOT a PPI... only to find out that it worked for about a week, then.. didn't work at all.  Seriously? *sigh*

But there is still abdominal pain, severe muscle weakness, and I can't get enough sleep!  Really?  I mean.. really?

Then there was weaning myself off the Topamax.  Off of that... and still feeling like crap.  BUT.. it's still good to be on as little Rx's as possible.  But coming OFF those prescriptions has yet to reveal any benefit other than just being off of them.

W.  T.  F.??!!

So I'm sitting here fighting off the urge to make one more cup of coffee.  Caffein--really, the least of my problems.  And I only drink two cups/day now anyway.  Still, I'm fighting the urge.  Maybe it's my body trying to self-medicate?  IDK...

And this damn depression is irritating the crap out of me.  Though I do know that it's not your run-of-the-mill depression.  I'm told it's related to the other health issues and that when they're resolved... the depression will resolve itself.  Either way, I'm not taking any poison for that!  No way, jose!  Even so, I couldn't because of the blood thinner.  It's the feeling of being powerless against this..whateveritis.. that is taking my life away from me piece by piece, day by day.  But I'm still pursuing all avenues to help it on my own until the 'specialists' can offer up something.  Still, what can they possibly offer that will resolve THIS?

Inflammation.  I'm convinced that's what needs addressing.  It's origin means little to me at the moment, as I believe systemic inflammation IS the origin of health problems.

Damn I'm tired.  My thinking isn't quite 'there' today... just... too... tired.