It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Dealing. Just dealing.

I've dealt with enough crap this morning to last a lifetime.  Unearthed is the truth, something I'll have to deal with one day at a time, one decision at a time.  After posting in This Free Spirit I've little left to say, as I'm spent emotionally.  Overall, I'm glad to have the benefit of the truth, even if it's not pretty.  Not being one to like my head in the sand I will just face what actually IS, rather than pretend all is well in my world.  It's just the reality of life.

Dealing with health issues, the indifference and lack of compassion from T, seeing a glimmer of what 'could' be once I'm well again... is a lot to process every day.  Maybe not so much for someone healthier, but it certainly is for me.  I suppose I can just say it's keeping me on my toes.

For the most part today I feel betrayed and stuck in a life that I'm not at all fitting into.  I miss MY life but accept that sacrifices are made with a relationship, be it marriage or something else.  The betrayal I refer to is that, once again, I've a situation where I'm with someone who pretended one thing and is actually another.  I don't like that at all.  He's not evil or abusive, so don't get me wrong.  But what he hid and the lies he told DO have an impact on life, especially mine.

For heaven's sake, why can't people just be HONEST about who they are?!

My morning was riddled with anxiety and stress, so I'm paying the price for that today with fatigue, discomfort, elevated pain level.... and just a dull feeling of sadness that is going to take some work to overcome.  It's not depression really, but more like heavy disappointment laced with anger.

My view of life is somewhat distorted as I spend the majority of my time alone.  I'm once again disconnected from the greater part of living--meaning the outside world.  Too sick to get out of the house, and in a place I've not been in but for a short time means... I don't know anyone.  It's a familiar situation, I'm afraid, and it's not my choice but more my circumstances.  But this disconnection does hinder the healing process, which isn't going well at all but actually getting worse.

Another day of dealing with what I already deal with, and also new challenges.

Well... till tomorrow......

Flat-Lined.

It's not as dramatic as it appears.  I'm referring to just feeling down.  I've posted in a couple of other blogs over the past week, but I'm having trouble posting in all of them right now.  Sincerely, I want to.  I do.  But I've been very sick and it's basically kicked my butt for the most part.  Still, I have things I want to talk about, things I would like to talk WITH someone about.  It's not always that easy, though, is it?  The communication process between humans these days has become ridiculously complicated and full of boobytraps.

It's not boredom.  I'm not bored but frustrated that my physical body and my emotional body are at odds.  I'm not living life.  I'm definitely not living MY life.  Anything that resembles 'life' is filtered through T, and that's no life at all.  No one, and I mean no one who has to filter their life through someone else's won't do it for long and will eventually, out of necessity, find a way out so they can breathe again, live again.  It's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN---always.

There's not much else I can say to paint a picture that you'd understand to any real degree.  That's not saying you guys aren't intelligent but rather than I'm having a difficult time expressing myself.  It's not you, it's me! lol

I have a friend, however, that I used to speak with quite often, someone who gets me almost intuitively, and I've not spoken to him in a while.  But he's always there when I reach out.  He lives in Atlanta, so it's not like we hang out.  When I speak to him, even via email, I feel 'heard' and respected.  His responses to questions etc are spot-on and given attention as if they're important.  He says.. they are important.  It's the same when he reaches out.  We have a wonderful friendship, unique really, and he's easy to talk to.  I did have another very good friend in CA but... he's lost his way to the occupy movement and has become one of those self-loathing whites who's associated himself with B L M.  I don't speak to him anymore--he's gone quite nuts and isn't even himself anymore.  But my Atlanta friend is exactly who he was when I met him some 14 years ago.

It's wonderful having a friend like that, it really is.  And he says I'm a great friend to him... he's one o the most awesome people I know, so there's love there, always has been.  There is, however, a very real difference between having to speak on the phone or email etc., and actually being able to hug that friend and say hello, etc.  Oh well.  It is what it is.  All I know is that if not for him... the misery would be beyond tolerable.

So what does all this mean?  It means SSDD.  I wish I could say something encouraging, that I'll be right back on track again and posting about more interesting aspects of life and more.  But the truth is, I'm still sick and feeling awful.  All I can do is frequent my blogs when I can and post about what's real.

Hopefully, and with prayer and perseverance, the narrative here will change--soon.

July 4th weekend & the most beautiful voice carrying our national anthem at the Lincoln Memoriali...

This brought tears to my eyes--and gave me goosebumps.  The most beautiful version of this I have ever heard, and it was spontaneous.  God bless this beautiful country---God bless the USA. <3