Well then.

It's quiet in the house right now.  T is still at work, my dog is sleeping soundly.  I'm painfully aware of my surroundings, and I'm not talking within my house itself, but MY surroundings, everything.  Everything went horribly sideways a few years ago, and a new life in a new town just didn't bring the healing the way I'd hoped.  I fell out of the realm of cruelty and landed in the lap of indifference.  How is that supposed to be better?

Short and sweet tonight.  I don't like where I am right now...

"I understand and wish to continue"

I had a funny thought as I signed into my account and navigated to this blog.  Because I can't say I won't ever talk about 'adult' issues here, I have the settings so that folks have to click the button to confirm they understand that there could be 'adult' content, though we know it's never really 'that.'  But the phrase itself, divorced from the usual meaning, struck me as interesting and appropriate, given the reason I'm posting.  Thing is, maybe it should've been phrased as a question in stead.  "Do I understand?" and "Do I wish to continue?"  Now there's a couple of questions worth pondering.

It's been an ugly day filled with the same crap from T.  Indifference, disrespect, the unwillingness to be polite.  And me, well, I've had it up to my eyeballs with it all, to be honest, and I've reached the end of my rope with this garbage.  Eventually, even I arrive to that place where I can no longer tolerate the bullshit.

I've arrived at this place of limited tolerance for bullshit after the last relationship more than tested my tolerance to the point of breaking.  There's no way in hell I want to go back to being that person who just sits quietly in a drowning pool of anxiety and stress while someone has their way with me.  Somewhere along the line something broke, and I have very little problem now standing up for myself.  This new backbone is a long time coming.

The scenario of today's crapfest isn't important, the details really don't offer anything that makes anyone understand any more than had they not heard the story at all.  The details don't matter because this situation is ludicrous, even stupid if one were to step back and view it for what it actually is.  Asinine.  During the height of the bullshit, when the BS meter pegs maximum load, is when I stop giving a crap about any of this.  Meaning, even the relationship isn't worth the trouble when EVERYTHING has to be a problem.  At some point, something has to give, and it usually does.

These days I honestly long for a vacation, a REAL vacation, and one I can take utterly alone.  Either alone or with a friend, of which none live close by.  Still, the idea of being someplace beautiful, peaceful, a place that inspires calm and awe sounds like my most perfect heaven.  I intend to take that trip before long, God willing.

There's no sense in muddying the day further by blaring the details, much of which is likely not going to be interesting to anyone anyway (trust me), so I'm going to end this here.  Inside, deep inside I can hear the voice of who I once was before someone tried to bully me into believing I was something or someone else.  I do remember who I am inside, though the thin, fragile trust I extended to the outside world now lays several years broken.  Trusting people is nearly impossible for me now in the wake of that last relationship, the whole thing having been based on so many forms of deceit that I still, to this day, can't make sense of it.

But seriously, I have no idea of what to make of the last several years of my life nor how to deal with the aftermath.  I honestly don't understand, and I honestly have no idea if I wish to continue.

Who does?

A weirdly nice Christmas Day

Yellow-Rumped "Butter-butt" Warbler, December 2017.

©Ella Wigginton

Because someone asked:  When possible, I use my own photography on my blogs, normally with my watermark in place.

It wasn't typical of most experiences.  It wasn't a gathering of family exchanging gifts, eating way too much at an overcrowded dining room table.  There was no snow, but the air outside had a definite chill.  For me, today, was mostly another day, but it also contained much that made me smile.  It's the little things.

Without going into the long story of my love of animals, wildlife, especially that of birds, I will say that anyone who truly knows me, gets this.  Today, I have a memory made of the things I love.

It started, really, with the knowledge that it was time to change out two of the feeder poles due to the fact that they simply weren't holding up.  Two trips to Wild Birds Unlimited meant hauling home two awesome bird feeder stations that I was more than a little excited about putting up, despite the grumblings and rumblings of T.  I was determined to not let him soil this joy for me.

I don't have photos yet, as we were trying to beat the clock and make sure everything was in place, food was fresh, etc. a good while before the sun set so the birds could eat what they needed to make it through another freezing night.  Birds typically lose 10%-17% of their body weight overnight in cold Winters, so eating before sunset and early at daybreak... is critical for them.  These birds here have everything they want, and it gives me profound joy to make that happen.

The poles went up pretty well, and we added the very large platform feeder out back as well, and while we worked to get things in place the cardinals, chickadees, chipping sparrows, titmice, and even a goldfinch ... and more... waited and watched as we worked.  On occasion, the titmice would fuss at us in the maple tree (usually meaning they wanted to grab a seed or peanut),  and we would oblige them by moving about 10 or so feet away so we could wait while they grabbed what they needed and fly to a branch to eat (both titmice and chickadees do this.  They don't eat at feeders but just grab the food and eat it on a branch).  The goldfinch was the first we've seen in the yard, and it basically did that, only without vocalizing.  We moved away, it grabbed a seed and left with it.

But they gathered in the trees and shrubs, watching, and waiting as we hurried as fast as we could.  And as soon as we left, they flew to the feeders and began eating.  Same in the back yard, including the new platform feeder.   So many articles out there about birds taking days, weeks, even a couple of months to get used to a new feeder before trying it.  Not so much in the case of our birds, they took to everything as if it had been there all along.  The front wasn't changed too much, and the new pole only moved a bit out of the reach of squirrels who loved to use a maple branch as a launching point.  They have their own feeder, and we're looking to put up another for them soon.

We have so many cardinals.  Well, we have a LOT of birds (including birds of prey who live and hunt in the area).  But it was nice to see them all eating.  Winter is tough for them, though not nearly as tough as their northern friends who deal with ice and snow.  Still, our recent freak snowstorm (which was kind of a whopper for this section of the country) killed off a lot of natural food sources a little early for them, especially the primarily insect eaters like Carolina Wrens, Mockingbirds, Easter Phoebes, etc.  So now they mostly rely on nuts, fruit, suet, etc.  We also put out dried mealworms for them, and also a small 'treat' of a few live mealworms early in the morning, which our Carolina Wrens are always ready and waiting for.

I know, I know.  I'm sure many of you non-bird-watching people are rolling your eyes by now, if you decided to stick with this and keep reading.  But, while many are sharing what they got for Christmas, well.... so am I.

While the day was far from perfect, while I had no family other than T around me, while I couldn't eat any Christmas dinner, while so much of this day was vastly different than many, it was still my memories and ones I'll love to remember and recall moving forward.

How is this Christmas Day ending?  Well, T has gone to bed and to sleep, and I'm sitting here in a mostly dark and very quiet house, most of the lighted decorations still glowing, watching the Southwest Florida Eagle Cam in hopes of the first PIP of the season.  I've finished my vanilla nut creme tea and am feeling like it's time to go to bed.  It's been a long day, and I'm ready to lay down on my wonderfully soft bed, covered by my favorite blanket, headphones in... so I can fall asleep listening to soft music, praying that the usual fare of anxiety-ridden thoughts stay away this night, that I get at least one day's respite from that particular hell.

Holiday or not, reality returns.  Always.

Merry Christmas....

"Soledad" Wow, it's been TEN YEARS!

Wow.  I can't believe it's been ten years since I designed this album art for my friend.  My favorite song of his too.  Funny, I listen to this song and think about what a positive, shining force he was in my life so long ago.  We were just friends, but what a great friendship.  As friendships go with the opposite sex, however, they normally fade to the wayside when romantic interests enter the scene.  Still, what a nice, happy memory of better times.  Better times with a backdrop of hard times.  Still, the better out-weighed the good and creativity flourished, fueled by music and friendship.  What could be better, seriously?

I ran across this tonight, quite by accident, while looking for a song for a facebook friend.  And for the length of one beautiful song I felt almost whole, almost normal... almost me.  It's been too long since I felt like that.  Doesn't matter that it's fleeting, just that I was able to feel it again.

You see, friendships and all relationships can be this way.  It's not magic, and it's not difficult.  When you accept another person for exactly who and what they are without question.... magic happens, magic that has far-reaching effects, kept in memories that stay with us until the end of our lives.  Just simple respect, honesty, loyalty, compassion and love, but of the friend variety (which is often superior than that of romantic relationships).  Oh, that positive light he had around him.... was the best.

If someone is in the dark, shine your light on them.  Some people get this, but many don't, especially those who wallow in that whole "Power of Attraction" thing.  If you're hurting someone by whining, complaining and worse... about that other person's 'negative energy,' then you're not only putting out negative energy... you're also putting it ON the person you're directing your anger etc at.  My friend, the one singing in this song (great albums and songs, all, but this is my favorite)... is the type of person who IS positive energy, positive light, and he shines it on everyone.

Too bad more people in the world couldn't be like this.

Quiet.

I can't seem to gather my thoughts these days.  Relying on my ability to to put the pieces of the puzzle together so I can make sense of my life is getting more difficult as time goes on.  Yet, I still believe it's worthwhile to continue trying, pushing forward as much as I possibly can, despite the obvious discomfort it brings.  I can't say I've ever known an 'easy' life, and when I do get there.. just within my reach... someone comes along to wreck everything I reached for.

Self-blame seems to be the 'in thing' now, and there's just no way I can honestly get on board with that.  I mean, if one is looking for a better and more positive life, isn't self-blame the antithesis of personal happiness?  Trust me, that's a rhetorical question.

"Oh, but you mustn't say 'self blame' when it's actually taking responsibility for ones own life..."   Sorry, but I'm calling bullshit on that one.  Most of the time when people fling that argument on the table it looks like they're just giving themselves a reason to not take responsibility for the harm they caused in someone else's life.

Just a random thought in the few minutes of silence I've surrounded myself with at the moment...

I hate holidays

It's been a bad couple of days, with today being the worst.  To be honest, there are few 'good' days anymore.  I doubt there will be any good days anytime soon, and I can't say for sure that there will be any ever.  I lost faith in this situation some time ago, taught by my past to keep the blinders off and refuse to lie to myself about the reality in which I live.  It's not about simple 'negativity,' though the situation IS negative.  It's about refusing to live a life that is a total lie, recognizing the problems so I can figure out a solution, and one that will help me heal, get strong, even if that means keeping my business my business.

Yes, there is this blog.  Yes, sometimes I share a lot.  Yes, I'm sometimes vague.  And yes, I've tried and tried to be as blunt as possible here.  My mistrust of most humans runs deep and likely always will.  Still, I keep trying.

Everything here vacillates between abject indifference and rancid criticism (not on my side, but towards me).   All I have are those precious times when I'm alone to recover and try to repair the damage so I can get up yet another day and keep going, keep trying to find happiness wherever I can find it.  I long for a different life.

I've hated holidays now for about 7 years now.  It didn't happen overnight, though, and as time went on and each holiday brought forth something ugly... the associations between that ugliness and the holiday became one and the same.  Most of the time I fight to get past it, to heal those wounds, but I fail every time.  Holiday after holiday the person I was with would take a big, fat crap on the good things.... every... single... time.  I'm just done with it all at this point and would rather not acknowledge the damn holidays to begin with.

What is it about some people that they just can't leave something good, something beautiful, something joyful alone... without serious garbage being tossed into everything?  Can ONE good thing just be left as that... "Good"?

It is SO hard to heal, physically, when anxiety and stress are constants, when sleep doesn't come easily and waking is greeted by knots in the stomach.

Maybe it's not so much the holidays that are the problem.  Maybe it's more the situation than what surrounds it.

Today sucks.  'Nuff said.