The Fourth Child in Social Hierarchy PART II

In PART I... I spoke about the balance of power in relationships and the Beta male.  THIS time, I want to finish up with speaking a bit about the Alpha male and women who are either Alpha or Beta.  In the scope of relationships and that necessary balance of power I must also address the serious and fatal issues that arise from polarized power between the sexes and tie it in to my own experience.  So, let's get started.

I have to admit I was to write this entry immediately following the last.  However, I found myself getting rather caught up in Ian Somerhalder photos. lol  Now, he 'presents' as the typical Alpha in that he's confident, successful, but also possesses a huge heart and an abundance of compassion.  The Ian Somerhalder Foundation is all about.. animals.  You'll find hundreds and hundreds of photos of him on the web posing with both domestic and wild animals.  The fact that he's an animal lover is a huge clue to who he is as a man.

So is Ian an actual Alpha male?  Well, I wouldn't personally know because I don't KNOW him.  But usually what comes to mind, whether you're male or female, is an image that represents "Alpha."  For some it may be the image of actors who played James Bond.  For others, such as me, it can be someone else entirely.  But when we look back at our history and interactions with various people it's pretty easy to see who's what.

It's not about a pretty fact, btw.  In fact, many Alphas aren't classically good looking at all.  We just find there's something about them....

You'll find opinions everywhere as to what an Alpha actually is.  Some believe that Alpha women are the best because, like their male counterparts, they're successful, confident, etc.  But this really, from a psychological standpoint, is a lot more complicated when it comes to females.  Ever meet a 'Feminist'?  Yeah.  Need I say more?  This isn't always the representation, but it often is.  Not all confident Alpha women make 6 figures per year and own yachts.  Many, if not most, are just ordinary people.

Life experiences affect who we are, which can make or break a woman down to her lowest common denominator.  This, though, is entirely out of the spectrum we want to stay in here.  So, we won't be addressing the minutia of the human psyche and its effects on us as individuals.

The Balance of Power And Sustainability in Relationships:

There's is where I'm going to keep it REALLY simple.  99% of successful relationships have both a male role and a female role---and an Alpha and Beta role.  You have no idea how very important this is.  So let's put it in perspective, in real life situations.

We've all seen enough movies to have seen this Alpha/Beta thing in action.  Fiction does have its components based on actual reality--otherwise there wouldn't be anything to sustain our interest.  If we can't connect in some human way with what we see and hear... we become bored.  This isn't always something we're acutely aware of, btw.

Let's take things OUT of the movies and go straight to the core of the problem.  In every relationship that works there's a male & female role in which Alpha & Beta personality traits are in play.  Again, I'm focusing mostly on the guy's role here for the sake of this discussion.  However, let's also back it down, since we already know what an Alpha & Beta is, and keep it to 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits, because the latter is far easier to recognize.

Whether a heterosexual relationship or gay relationship--it's still the same.  Every relationship has both a male and female component.  We're strictly speaking of straight couples here in this discussion, btw.

Female or Feminine TRAIT situations:

Honestly, this is the worst situation of all, because there is this lack of initiative on the guy's part.  Most women, of course, have feminine traits.  This is problematic because they're both in the mode of waiting for the Alpha to step up, step in, and take charge.  In these situations... it just never happens and ultimately ends up in complete failure.  Both parties are waiting for the other to literally take charge of the situation, whatever that situation is.  If the situation is sex--there's usually BIG trouble.

Beta males, as opposed to Alpha males, tend to sit back and wait for the woman to orchestrate life and, oddly, he ends up resenting her for it later.  When this happens it makes the relationship and everything in it, including sex, extremely awkward.  To say the least.

Most times the tell-tell signs are there, but they're not actually recognized for what they are until it's too late.

Beta males will:

Expect you to initiate sex 99% of the time, and expect more 'receiving' than giving.  More times than not there is they have this sense of entitlement where you're concerned, as well as a sense of expectation without provocation.  In other words, a Beta male is inherently going to expect you to initiate sex, jump through hoops to please him right off the bat, right from the start, and pretty much 99% of the time.  Over time his female counterpart will lose interest in sex with him and begin to pull away.

Eventually, that woman he's with will begin noticing other men, Alpha men.  Again, this is just nature and a fact of life.

This also holds true with the other scenario, that in which both have 'male' or 'dominance' traits.  This is also a disaster because both sides are always vying for power and control.  This second situation I won't go into much because it's outside the scope of this conversation.

When the balance of power is in its rightful place things tend to go smoothly between two people.  If the man is dominant/Alpha he compliments the female role of his partner.  If the woman is the Alpha or 'dominant' role and she's with a guy who just so happens to be a Beta... it just may work out because he wants someone to take care of his needs and, well, isn't willing to initiate himself into any given role or circumstance.

Girly Girls Love Manly Men:

It's kind of how the human race survived.  I don't think I need to go into all of that, because I think you get the picture.

The bottom line is that it's very difficult to be in a relationship with Beta males.  I'm girly to the core and find situations where I'm expected to assume the masculine role EXTREMELY awkward and uncomfortable.  And when it comes to sex in such a situation--it's a major turn-off for me.  Been there, done that.  Ugh.  And, I'm rather in that situation now.  But for the possibility that reason can lead to understanding on his part, meaning.... he really has to come to terms with a LOT and find ways past or around those things.  Otherwise, this situation is doomed.

It takes a mountain of humor to see myself through this, I have to say. I'm not completely confident that it will be resolved, and I'm not exactly sure right now how to manage remaining in this relationship given the outright upset in the balance of power.  And THIS, my friends, is where The Fourth Child comes in.

We've come full circle back to me and my situation.  Even though they did eventually end, the most enjoyable, exciting, and FUN relationships I've had in my life were the ones where I was with the ultimate Alpha male.  The best lasted 11 years until he went full-blown mid-life-crisis mode.  There just isn't any way to save someone from themselves when they head willingly down that path.  He passed away about a year after we broke up, but he was in full MLC swing from what I heard.  But for the better part of 11 years, until his MLC became a relationship wrecking ball, it was pretty awesome.

I've been in relationships with 3 Betas in my life, and not one of those was anything to brag about.  True to my nature I hoped it was a simple matter of respect, or lack thereof.  But as it turned out it was far more than that and something that couldn't be fixed in the short term.  Not my job to 'fix' anyone and I won't waste the energy trying to.

I'm not a psychologist or expert on anything.  My take on all of this is from YEARS of reading books and gathering information from psychology journals and research papers online, and a little of what I obtained in my psych classes in college.  My experiences fall in line with what I've read.

As my life is now I feel as if I'm living with someone who's very much like a child.  He's not a child in his work, because he's very successful.  But when it comes to everyday life it's another matter, and at this point it's risky for me due to my health and physical limitations.  I feel vulnerable and am having a nearly impossible time trying to feel any confidence in this.  The vulnerability stems from my failing health, for the most part.  It's scary knowing that you have to depend so much and count on someone who is NOT the type of person to care this way for another.  Very, very scary.  I've been in a similar circumstance and felt the same vulnerability, the same anxiety, the same exact lack of confidence in both the situation and the person.

Every day that I wake into this life I'm met with yet more reminders of how blatantly awkward and exhausting this whole thing is.  Does he know how I feel?  He absolutely does.  Has it helped?  Not in the least.  The more this fails the scarier for me it becomes, which makes getting my health back absolutely necessary, vital, critical...

The first time I learned about the whole 'Beta male' thing was when I lived in Colorado, some 20+ years ago.  I found it curious and interesting and thought such information would serve me over time.  I didn't count on my own lack of ability to immediately identify such traits, or perhaps.. my inability to recognize I may have been overlooking them on purpose.  But I chose to read a lot of books over the years, off and on, and often by chance, and yet to this day I still don't SEE the writing on the wall until after it's too late.  Not my life's finest accomplishments, I have to admit.

While I mostly write to get things off my chest, out of my system, I also write in hopes of helping others.  Maybe I'll spare someone the hassle of a relationship where there's just a coupling of opposing forces.

In retrospect I see evidence that I didn't recognize at the time.... one in particular...

As I lay next to him, exhausted, and not in a good way I thought to myself... "We can't both be the girl in this relationship."

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

Focus, Please.

Reaching for something to focus on when you don't feel good is probably one of the most frustrating experiences ever.  Well, that is for someone who doesn't have a support system.  With family and/or friends involved, dealing with the known and unknown of chronic illness becomes a little more bearable in that there is always a soft place to fall.  I mean, anyone who deals with autoimmune disease know that falling isn't an option, but an inevitability.  Not accepting that as a fact means being blindsided when it happens.

Nope, I'm choosing to have my eyes open.

That fleeting sense of good health isn't enough to sustain me, and those temporary little flashes of what once was don't occur often enough to sustain me.  This is my new reality, for now, and it leaves me with not much of anything to focus on, anything to sustain me, anything at all to give me that emotional fuel to keep moving forward as quality of life diminish.  Oh, it's not as depressing as it sounds, because I've only just begun treatment and have yet to see where it takes me.

Escape is the only thing I have at the moment.  My methods are at least reasonable, providing me with enough distraction to carry me through the day.

Coffee, which infuses something akin to 'energy' and 'wakefulness' to start my day.
Music, the vessel in which I use to retreat when the weakness is too much.
Reading (Kindle), when I need to turn my mind completely off to what's at hand.
Sleep, which now gives me little respite.

Lack of focus brings the need for escape.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  My every waking day is filled with one real focus in mind, and that's eating right, getting a handle on the Prednisone hunger and other sides, and remembering that I have to get back to me again, to SOME semblance of health.  What I need is what comes with true focus, and that is the driving force that takes us along that path to our ultimate goal.  Without that energy and vitality focus fades and the lines between what I want and what I'm going to get begin to blur.  And trust me, it's not good when this happens.

A few mantras run through my mind every single day, and the dialogue rarely changes.  At times I give in to those random thoughts that this is it, this is the REAL 'New normal' and I can't fix any of it. There are times when I want to give up COMPLETELY and just let whatever happens happen.  There are times when pushing myself so hard to do simple tasks just drains me, and the world shrinks away from this very small space in the world of which I've unwillingly taken up residence.  In those hours, and they are hours, the despair is real, the weakness is real, the waning health is real, the isolation is real, and the realization that I'm NOT in control is very, very real.

And then suddenly denial sidles up, elbows me and says... "Are you sure?"

The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm caught perpetually in that swinging pendulum that smashes against acceptance and denial.  And honestly, I latch onto denial more often than not, and I'm pretty damn sure that's not the smart thing to do.

Confusion in all of this sucks.  It just sucks.

More research.  Continue treatment.  Say the enemy's name and say the words out loud if necessary....