The Handshake.

A relationship is like a handshake.  One person extends their hand and the other extends theirs in acceptance.  This is the best case scenario, however, and relationships leave one person waving their hand in the air and feeling foolish.  At some point that dance just doesn't work anymore and we have to decide wether it's all worth it or not.  But how do we know WHEN it's time to place our hand back in our pocket and walk away?

There's no difference in friendships and we've all seen those fail miserably due to one-sided participation.  It's not usually an instant fail, btw, and we come to the conclusion to walk away after a lot of energy is spent trying to be the one acquiescing, initiating, or taking the blame for the short-comings within the relationship machine.

So if we know how it works in friendships, why do we take so damn long with romantic relationships?  I think part of it is that there's a much larger prize at stake when it comes to that kind of connection that leaves you ultimately vulnerable and exposed.  That other person, unlike a friend (usually) has seen you literally at your worst, your best, naked, knows most if not all of your secrets, and the love and affection that ties it all together is not that easy to break.  In most cases.  Either way, there's just a lot at stake when talking romantic relationships vs friendships.

Friendships do last longer.  And if you think about it, it's most likely because you're not living with that person or trying to divvy up responsibilities, not relying on that person when it comes to the hard times.  I mean, yes, there is some of that, but again.... you just can't compare the two.  There is an exception, however, to this rule, and that is that we actually can apply what we are willing to put up with when it comes to carrying the load of that relationship.

I don't care about the numbers, myself.  Wether you call it 50/50 or 100/100 it still requires both sides to assess what's what and decide a compromise when one side is no longer able to carry the larger portion of the load.

My point here is this: At some point we have to acknowledge when something is harming us, wether it's physical or emotional harm, be it stress or overt abuse, we absolutely HAVE to make a decision at some point while we still have enough of ourselves left, before any real long-term damage is done.

Every day I'm reminded of how much I have to carry, what I'm left to be responsible for, and just how little energy and strength I have to take that on.  Physically I grow weaker each day.  My specialist has upped the Azathioprine about as high as I can take it, and I'm waiting to see if/when this begins to pivot the illness and begin to heal what's wrong.  In the meantime I'm extremely weak, often sick (nausea, etc.), and I have to lay down in bed several times a day now.  This means little gets done because I'm not able to do it myself.  Simple things, really.  Chores that I could handle easily back when I was healthy, living alone and with many more time-consuming responsibilities.  The difference between he and I is that I did what needed to be done and was glad to do it.  I can't live in a dirty or nasty environment so fight my way through the day trying to do what little I can.

I'm so so so done with this.

And since the communication is one-sided (out of his laziness. No joke there.) I'm beyond exhausted. I'm back to my focus being on ONE thing and ONE thing only--getting well.  I will be well enough to take my life back when the time comes and he's going to find himself in the dust when it happens.  It's his own doing, and he's not going to be happy about it when it happens, I promise.  He's been warned of this, and he's coasting along like he can't see it happening already.  But it is, happening already....

Seven Days.

It's an important number to me.  Every 7 days my dosage of prednisone decreases.  While I'm tapering from this extremely powerful drug I experience many unwanted side-effects, much of which I can't differentiate from AIH symptoms.  At 5mg/week my body became my worst enemy, leaving me unable to walk from the living room to the kitchen, making it difficult to walk the very short distance from the room I have to sleep in now to the nearby bathroom.  From unshakable episodes of freezing to feeling as if my body is going to melt into a puddle, I never know from one minute to the next what I'll be dealing with.  The turning point for me a few days ago was waking up before the sun in the throes of a migraine.

Tapering 5mg/week was simply not going to work.

Another call to the dr. and I'm told to go back up to 7.5mg and taper down at 2.5mg/week.  The morning of the migraine I discovered that with that 5mg dosage the migraine would go away, and it was that same evening that I added the additional 2.5mg.  While this seems like numbers and boring, dry information, I promise it's much, much more than that.  My entire quality of life depends on a tiny little pill that had the ability to make or break my life in every way.

On one hand it's a life-saver, and on the other it's dangerous as hell.  It's the drug people with AI diseases love to hate.

The usual thinking on getting off prednisone is to slow the taper the lower the dosage gets.  I'm unsure if I will be able to go down to the 5mg again, but I'll certainly find out next Wednesday.  Just how I'll find out is yet to be seen.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worse?  Will there be debilitating symptoms again?  Or will everything go smoothly?

Without answers I can't make plans.  With each day being a giant mystery that unfolds one minute, one hour, one symptom (or lack of) at a time I am no longer really in control of my life anymore.  Prednisone now determines everything---basically, it's made me its bitch.

I can be honest about this.  I have to be honest about this.  I'm willing to face this head-on even if it means I'm the recipient, on occasion, of a TKO by a drug that is supposed to save my life.  I'll get up, face another day (albeit at times unwillingly), and keep going.

All of the above has affected my life.  Okay, I accept that.  What I don't like at this time is no support network, no one listening (not including who reads here) when I really need to talk.  If I could just feel good, be without pain, lead an normal life, I can handle the other stuff.

In the meantime I'm ticking down the hours in those 7 days to reach toward that goal of being off a drug that whispers it will save me, while making me feel as if I'm dying.

Seven days at a time... we'll see where I will be when I'm finally free of the prednisone shackles.

We will see...

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

Getting My Attention

So, first of all, my blogs are about my life, my seeking to understand where I am and who I am in the midst of a few unpleasant truths.  Be it a past filled with abusive relationships, abuse of other kinds, living with and around controlling people, my health.. it's just me here trying to work things out in my mind, spirit, body, and my life as a whole.  Every now and then I'll indulge myself in other topics, but my goals are to REALLY work though some things that are, frankly, long overdue when it comes to 'dealing' and 'preparing' the broken, jagged pieces of who I am.

There will be times when I speak of things completely outside of myself, and when my focus is on me.. it's not because I WANT to be in that inward place so much.  Actually, where I want to be is healed enough on the inside, both physically and emotionally, that I can turn my attention further outward and away from that inner ground zero.  I'm not comfortable in this place and want a way out. THAT is why I talk about what I do and from a place that is centralized and within.  This is how I'm dealing.

And I make no apologies for how I choose to work through the matters that demand my attention.

Peace.  Joy.  Happiness.  Comfort from within.  Hope.  Freedom.  To have wings again... to live, to breathe freely, to seek more time in that outside world... I don't think my dreams or goals or wishes are that much different from others.  Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think most of us would like those things I listed to be the foundation for everything else.

The more I find my health failing, the more I reach for what was, could be, and has been.  Why not return and see a better past and hope it can be again?  Why not remember when life was, while not easy, at least more like LIVING?  It only makes sense to me to make that a focus.

I've turned away from my own needs for so long that I was lost to everything completely outside of me.  I disconnected from my own personal truth, my dreams, even my own body, and I paid a terrible price for that, a debt I'm still paying as of today.  And all because my core belief hinged around making sure others had everything they needed first, that they were happy, and by God if I had to change who I was completely to make a loved-one happy, then by God I will do it!  What the hell was I thinking?  No!  That's NOT the way it's supposed to be, and yet I wasn't ever taught to take care of me.  Life was always centered around pleasing someone else.. all of the time... beginning with my mom.  This is repeated in nearly every relationship I've had.

I was told in a past relationship that I was self-centered.  Words like that hit me pretty hard and a reaction is always immediate.  Self-doubt steps in and takes over, pushing reason and logic aside to wither.  Having spent the better part of my life as a chronic people-pleaser, because God forbid I risk anyone's ire by disappointing them, I've attempted to 'reinvent' myself to a point where I've come dangerously close to losing who I am.  I know it's the inner machine working and grinding to reconcile this new and "selfish" idea that I should, you know, maybe start taking care of myself with being that person who was always, always putting everyone and everything else first.  And yet each and every time I try to do something for myself out of self-respect, logic and reason, I get a hard flash of guilt that makes me question why I would bother [doing anything for me].

Why I listened to anyone who didn't have my best interests in mind (to say the very least) is beyond me still.  If I ever finished the therapy I began at the end of the last relationship I probably wouldn't be wrestling with this right now.  I will say I learned much in the few short months I did see a therapist, one I was seeing because I DID recognize the damage that was done to me in the last relationship.  Beverly taught me a lot, and not just about myself but about the other person involved.  And I cried the day she told me, point blank, that I'd spent far too much time in my life focusing on the happiness and needs of others, and that it was time to accept that I needed TLC as well, especially from myself.  I had this sense of surrealism, and it was very strange to hear someone say those words to me in the way she did.

And yet I thought.... 'What's the catch'?

That's the real issue.  I don't trust easily now.  And I used to be a subscriber to complete and total blind trust.

No more.  I can have a healthy amount of trust without all the blindness, but it will take time.

And the guilt, the constant guilt whenever I speak about my problems here, whenever I do something positive or uplifting to my spirit, my soul, whenever I open up and speak from the heart about what's going on with me, my life.. that guilt cripples me, and the ugly voice of the past speaks up and tells me I'm selfish for doing anything at all to make my own life better.

...... more later.....

Limbo

For anyone curious, I'm back to mostly splitting my posts between the blogs, sorted by relevance.  I like being able to look back and remember where I was in what capacity, without looking through an endless potpourri of thoughts and events.

I've spent the morning drinking coffee and spilling my guts upon these 'pages,' wondering why the hell this medication (prednisone) MUST make me feel so damn off, a little depressed, swinging from motivated to just too damn painful to walk.  Hell, I don't have any answers, so I just let my feelings crash upon the pages until I can at least figure out what the hell to do.

The house is quiet.  My choice.  Just quiet today.  No music pouring from the Bose... just the sound of a small, ticking clock nearby... and typing.  Coffee as fuel, and the inner turmoil of prednisone hell.  Yeah, yeah.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it really is rather overwhelming at this time, especially since I've dropped down another 5mg.  What will the effects be this time, I wonder?

Next week I see the pulmonologist.  Last appointment I had revealed mild COPD and many lung changes since the first CT.  In 3 months time things got a bit worse for my lungs, but that was BEFORE the prednisone!  I wonder at this time if the prednisone will actually help my lungs and keep the nodules and focal thickening from becoming worse?  Seems my breathing is better, and with less wheezing than before.  Could be, could very well be the anti-inflammatory effects of this very powerful corticosteroid.  We will see.  Not sure if the Dr. will order another CT to check things.  But we will see.

I see the hepatologist again on the 25th.  He may order labs to check my liver enzymes, etc.  I'm not sure what will happen medication-wise.  I hate the prednisone side effects, but I hate the idea of a flare-up even worse.  Ugh.  We'll see what he decides.

Dammit.  I feel like I'm in limbo.  Could very well be that my cortisol levels are low and making me feel low as well.

*sigh*

I have so much to say, really.... and I'm just not saying it.  Maybe a bit later when I can realistically deal with what I'm feeling.  Maybe after I get a few things done around the house... Need to make the main office room ready for an exercise bike---a huge expense, but a necessary expense IMHO.  There's already a new tv and blu-ray player for the room, and now all that needs done is to shuffle things about to make a space for something that's going to help me immensely.

... yeah... there's that.

That Love/Hate Relationship with Prednisone

Look, without a sense of humor, a life-long/chronic illness can steal your joy. ;)

Christmas is done, and the move into the new house is 99.99% complete.  Just a few items remaining at the old house at the moment, mostly due to the need to make room here so one doesn't feel hemmed-in.  While the move itself wasn't 'that' bad, it became a little easier when I began the first week of Prednisone--a drug I'd had to use in the past for something else and learned to both loathe and love equally.  This particular drug honestly needs to be held in reserve for the most extreme of circumstances.  The side effects of using and withdrawal are usually brutal.

How quickly those first couple of days became something to remember-but in a very good way.  My energy changed within 2 days, and nearly all of my symptoms ceased.  But the timing of this drug is tricky as one begins on high doses, then tapering to lower until remission (in my case) is obtained and held.  For the record, remission can take from 12 months to 2 years, depending on many factors.

So there I was in absolute heaven, though not feeling 100% it was SO drastically different (how I felt) that it instilled such hope and anticipation as to how much better I just knew I'd feel by the time this month of high-to-low dosing would take me.  Well, things changed quickly just a few days ago as I tapered down that first 10mg.  Dammit.

40 to 30, 30 to 20, 20-10, then 5mg for another month before the follow-up appointment.  That is, until within about 2 days of that 10mg taper I can crashing down HARD.  Phone call to the doctor and he moved my followup appointment from March 28th to January 25th, and he said to go back up to 35mg/day for a couple of days then to the 30mg.  So far, it's not taken much of the edge off the symptoms.  Ugh.

Sitting, standing, laying down, you name it... all very difficult yesterday and today.  And I've had some things to deal with on the computer most of the day so have been sitting upright for a few hours at a time.  And BOY does my upper right abdomen hurt.. all the way through to the back.  I'm really hating this at the moment.

That's where things are basically.  Wish I had more energy and stamina, was in less pain... so I could talk about all the other stuff.  But I have to listen to my body and go with what I know.  It's rather time to chill for a bit, regardless.

More to come...

More to catch up on...

Damn, crazy life...

Lexy Panterra representing... yeah, white girls CAN twerk! ;p

So, I get SOOOO many videos posted by friends on FB, and there's a few comments now and then about white girls not being able to twerk.  So what I've been doing lately is replying to those posts with this... Sorry, but no one can do it like Lexy Panterra! Impressive!  (yeah, you guys are going to like this).

Like I need another hole in the head.

New blog.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these.  In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY.  Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes.  I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am.  I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?

Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...

Either way, it was a moral imperative.  Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen.  It's not always going to pleasant...

This Free Spirit

OR

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

Blast from the past

I guess it's kind of weird, really, that my dreams bring in people I knew some 20 years ago.  Weird, but not at all bad.  I think the last really awesome guy I ever dated was back when I worked at the Biloxi Belle in Biloxi, MS. It's a memory I don't actually visit, but one that visits me.  I don't feel melancholy or sad, but I do think it's strange.  I won't even begin to guess what it means, because I think that it has a lot less to do with HIM than it does with ME, who I am, who I was, and who I should be.  Back then I was able to be who I was without any seemingly limiting people around me.  Gosh, that was so very long ago, and during a time when my decisions were mostly the right ones.

Dark Kiss

The memory of scent, what people call "Aromatherapy."  We've all been there and understand what it is and how powerful it can be.  So I'll skip explaining that further.  Instead, I'm going to focus on something that may help me back to 'me' again, rediscovering who I am and resurrecting what lay beneath all I carry.  Thank you, Bath & Body Works...for taking me back.... to me.

I guess I sound a little silly, right?  lol I don't mind if you think I do.  I'm happy about this.  And frankly, sounding silly is the least of my worries these days.

It's unsettling, really, having to resort to aromatherapy and other outside measures to remind me of where I was a year ago.  But whatever works.  And this does, in part, work very well to take me back...

Back to when I was calm and happy, on my own.
Back to when I felt better.  And though I didn't feel 100%...I felt 100% better than I do right now.
Back to when I still saw so much hope and possibility.
Back to when coming home felt like the most beautiful place in the world.
Back to when I was comfortable--not just with me, but with many aspects of my life.
Back to when I had the energy to indulge in my photography, doll art.
Back to when simply stepping outside, no matter the weather, felt amazing.
Back to when even spending time at home alone was peaceful and fulfilling.
Back to when I recognized who I was and where I was.

I may not have always known where I fit within this world, but I always found my way back if I got lost along the way and knew, for a time, that I just simply fit.  And that's all I needed really.

Living alone didn't always mean being alone.  I relished my 'me time' and didn't despair when I had more than enough alone time on my hands.  Oh, there were times I thought I was lonely, but looking back shows me that I had no reason to be.  And though I longed for romantic love, REAL love, not having it was never a cause for grief for me.  There was plenty of love, because of my kids.  But the whole romantic notion of love was a longing, but not a depressing one that came with a sense of emptiness.  Usually, in my time on planet earth I learned early that brand of emptiness came when I was with someone who had fallen out of love with me, or when I was with someone and realizing I shouldn't be.  No.. the lack of romantic love when I'm alone isn't a bad thing at all, though one would think so.  I mean, aren't most people driven to find their soulmate?  Something I don't believe in anymore, btw.

My place in the world now is one of complexity.  There are difficulties I deal with, certainly, but they are what they are and are simply parts of the whole, but not 'the whole.'  My biggest problem is not recognizing anything.  Have you felt this?  And trying to make order from the chaos is tiring, to say the least.  As an adult.. I should be given more respect and space to make decisions about my life, health, and how I need to proceed to become the most healthy 'me' I can.  And this, friends, is where everything falls apart.  No space.  No respect.  I can't breathe when someone is standing on my lifeline.

So I'm sitting here at the moment, blissfully alone, and surrounded by the scent of the past, reminding me of who I am and what I need to reconnect with in order to heal.  This, for a moment, is allowing me to breathe, and also to take in all the possibility I have to believe still exists.

....Stand out of my way.  Let me breathe.  Let me live.

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Restoration. Home. Life. Spirit.

So here I am.  Getting ready to do a little research on the choices for the restoration on the master bath in the new house.  Most has been chosen, but the shower tile, floor tile, tile above the vanity... 2/3 of the walls... working on that, though they're mostly chosen.. is next.  Paint, what little will be in there has been chosen.  Vanity, chosen (with marble top).  Fixtures, chosen.  It's been fun, and I'm ready for it all to be completed and ready for us to move in.  There's still the sunroom to be finished, the deck to be cleaned and re-stained, all the indoor doorknobs replaced with antique bronze, and possibly french doors replacing the entryway doors leading to the living room.  But I think we're just about there once the master bath is done and the master bedroom and hallway wood flooring put in (out with the carpeting in that area!).

A bit on the tired side today.  We've scoured a lot of stores and resources online looking for the right color tile and shape, etc. for the bathroom... and well, I'm ready for a little down-time for my brain. lol  But.. just a little more and I'll be done.  Just a little more.

Oh... and we walked into Lowe's the other day and right into the best deal ever!  They had a few outdoor grills on clearance and we bought one of the last 3!  Regular price was a little over $560.00 (can't remember the exact amount) and we paid $164.00 !!!  Helluva deal!! ;D

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

House closing done... so now what?

It's a good thing, this move.  Out of the city, into a better neighborhood with less traffic, noise, BS.  And one's expectations must be realistic, so I'm told.  No neighborhood is perfect.  All over the world people have to deal with neighbors, wandering pets and/or barking dogs, etc., etc.  But this is going to be SOOOOO much more peaceful.

But what about my LIFE?  How exactly do I bring more peace into my LIFE as a whole?

I can figure this out, but I'm far to isolated here in this part of Alabama.  And I thought I was isolated in Mobile!  This is a whole new level of isolation.  I'm in another world here.

There is something missing here.  I can't put my finger on it exactly.  But something.   If I weren't so tired today I would write more about it.  Or maybe I've just not sorted it all out in my mind just yet.  I don't know, really.  I can't talk to my BF.  After her stroke in 2013 she can't handle any heavy talk at all, and her conversations must be kept very short and simple.  I'm left blogging this information and, frankly, that's just not enough.  Most likely because I don't really get to the point when it comes to the really sticky stuff.

I should.  But I don't.  At least not yet.  And I've come SO close to doing that a few times.  I can be such a coward with talking about the important stuff here these days.  Used to be that I would just let it all out, let it sit a bit... then, after a while just delete it if it were too personal.

I've no idea what I'm talking about right now...

Well, tomorrow is it...

The house closing is tomorrow and...I'm super excited to be moving out of the city.  It's busy here, and I guess I've grown far to used to the serenity of the neighborhood I lived in while in Mobile, AL. I miss that neighborhood so much, having lived there about 10 years.  Hopefully this little private drive will be just as peaceful.  No through traffic, one way in/out... and not that many houses.  And, the house sits on a bluff.  No, I'm not bluffing.

In the summertime it's covered in kudzu... something that I believe is taking over the south (lol), and in the Winter... it withers and opens up the view even more.  Basically, the landscaped backyard comes to a halt at one point, and needless to say.. it's not a place you want to wander out drunk, especially in the dark! lol  I wouldn't advise wandering out there in the dark sober either. haha  That's one SERIOUS drop, folks! ;p

The deck will be refinished over the next few weeks, as the paint and a few other things get done.  But I honestly can't wait to get hold of that sunroom!!!!  That will be a topic for another day.

This is one of the back corners of the 'back yard' as far as one can take a photo without falling off into that abyss. lol (again, just a photo from the listing). going to be my oasis, my place where all the decompression happens.

And I love the way the deck wraps around the sunroom so that there's a little deck on one side, and a larger deck on the other side (showing in the photo to the left.

I'm loving this already. :)

Last but not least... the bedroom set for the master bedroom was ordered this past weekend. :D  Headboard/footboard, dresser w/mirror, 2 nightstands, and 2 lamps you see in the photo.  Already have the contractor trying to match the paint on the walls in the photo, and I've been looking for the 'natural' look curtains....  yeah, I'm somewhat trying to recreate this room.  Almost.  Almost. :)

And my bedroom set, also pretty but in dark wood.. will go in one of the other two bedrooms. Most likely the one that will be my workspace/office/art/photography room.  We have to have places for family to sleep when they come to visit, so now we will have beds in all 3 rooms.  Yay!

What's not showing here is the view from the breakfast nook (from the back of the house), and the master bedroom.. also at the back of the house.  Unbeatable.  As they say... location, location, location!  There were other houses.. often placed in crowded neighborhoods or on barren, stripped lots.  Oh they were GORGEOUS inside with new everything, etc...  but when you walk outside... barren suburbia.

My thinking on things like this is simple---there are things you can change, and things you can't change.  You can make your house look like a palace, but if you build it in the middle of a landfill... it doesn't much matter if it's a palace.

No matter what house was seen, walked through, oooohed and awed at... it always came back to this one house.  It was difficult to forget the view, the privacy, the way the front yard was outlined in trees all the way to the driveway so that it is literally secluded.

Well, it's difficult to put into words, and most houses aren't at their best in the Winter with all the trees stripped of leaves, the shrubs appearing like nothing more but twigs and woody bones, the grass a pallid yellow.  I guess you just have to see its potential through something other than just your eyes.  And of course, photos from another season certainly helps. ;)

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

Low-Carb weirdness, or is my subconscious mindf*cking me?

Day 3 on Atkins and am having a little of the carb withdrawal.  Could be worse, but thankfully I'm not withdrawing from grains/wheat, processed food, caffein, sugar, etc.  Still, I know this feeling well and it should pass.  Still, WTF is going on with all this other bizzwax?

That low-carb lull isn't surprising, but this craziness with my dreams at night are really getting on my nerves now.  It's not like I haven't brought this up before, and I'm not sure I want to go into the details about who and what is in my dreams or why.  Hell, some of it is hella fun!  Like the drag racing in last night's dream!  THAT was awesome! lol  But, this common theme is really unsettling, to say the least.  Some of it I get.  I really, really get.  And I know my subconscious is telling me to get a freaking life.  No, not telling me, but demanding I get a freaking life.  It's beyond obvious.

I am out-of-my-mind restless now.  Something's going to give.  Correction, something IS giving.  Question is, WTH am I going to do about it?

Simple answer... get a freaking life!

Oh if I only had the cojones to just spell it out here in great bloody detail.  But I don't.  Not right now.  Not even sure I get what it's all about or what I'm going to do about it, to tell you the truth.  But those damn dreams....

Why do I have the dreams I have?  Why are the people in them IN them?  I don't understand.  I wake up and can't make any sense of it all, and yes... the dreams are profound enough that they do follow me about the rest of the day.  And there are times the dreams haunt me for a few days.  Maybe it's because I don't get why some people are in them and why some are not, or why things happen in them or why I don't understand MY role in them.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I could talk to a girlfriend about this, but it's just not that easy, especially when everyone is out of state or hours away.  A phone call often just doesn't cut it.  And when you hang up the phone...you still feel isolated.  Neighbors here are either WAY too old or WAY too young, and the one or two my age I've met just want to get drunk or party etc.  Not my thing.  And I've not gotten out much recently because of the health issues.  So that's changing, but it's taking time to undo the damage from the medications.  One step at a time.

But those dang dreams.  And this dang feeling of needing a road trip.  Not just a road trip but one just for me, to reset everything and find my muse again.  Me, my car, my camera, good tunes, a destination...

Life.

How to starve to death on a vegan diet and make your private parts fall off

No, wait WHAT??  Yeah, everyone knows that if you're vegan or vegetarian you're going to starve to death because, what the hell are you going to eat if you're not going to eat meat?  Right?

Seeds and twigs and grass.  Right?  I mean, who wants to live off of rabbit food when you can just eat the rabbit?  OMG, no!  And if you starve yourself your muscles will be used for protein and..and..and..isn't just about everything made up of muscle?...and what about my, you know, "stuff?"  You know, 'the important stuff'?

What?  You think if you don't eat meat then your muscles will waste away and your junk will fall off, right?

So, to make things easy, and without going through the myriad of facts and such, and without restating the bazillian things listed in abundance on the internet already regarding how you will ultimately starve to death on a vegan diet... let me just skip right to it and give you the horrifying visual of all the grim and non-palatable ways you'll starve.

Brace yourself.  This shit is about to get real.

It's not meat.  I LOOKS like meat.  Ooooh, but it's not!  THIS is how they trick you! 

I'm not falling for this!

And this, this is another way "they" lure you into the vegan trap!  yeah, just take a gander (oops, did I just say that!?!) at this heaping pot of vegan chili!  Non-meat!  It has to be an illusion, filled with visual and culinary impossibilities.  It's a trap.  Just don't go there!

Oh, now we're talking!  THIS looks like some kind of salad!  HA!!!  Gotchya!

But then there's all this creamy stuff, and then some walnuts.  Some herbs and fruit... chickpeas I guess...  I don't trust this.

I simply don't trust this.  Best to steer clear.  I'm sure it's definitely a trap.

I know I see cheese in this stuff.  Right?  Cheese?  No cheese, you say?  WTF???  I KNOW I'M SEEING CHEESE!

Cauliflower?  That's not freaking cauliflower, dude! You're out of your f***ing mind!  Cauliflower that looks like cheese.  You're crazy.

Well I'M not going to eat it!  I don't recognize one single thing there!  Okay, maybe TWO things.  But I'm not eating it, because I don't know what it is.

And where's the chicken?

So this looks okay, but I'm going to have to hit McDonald's after this.  You know that, right?  I mean, where's the beef??!!  Nothing there to eat?!  I'm going to starve!!!

Aaaaahhhhh!!!  A hamburger!!!!!

What do you mean it's not a "hamburger."  I know a hamburger when I see one, and that is a f***ing hamburger!

Mushrooms, my a$$!  And what the hell is a quinoa??!!

Yeah.  I've heard it all, read it all, and at times... thought it all.  But it's all vegan.  Some are main courses, and some are side dishes.  MY thing right now is that I have to combine both vegan/vegetarian with gluten-free.  That is a given.  Though there is one thing that is going to somewhat hinder that from being 100% and that's my cookware.

In order to have a COMPLETELY GLUTEN-FREE DIET you have to replace all of your cookware!  Yep.  And my cookware is an expensive, professional quality set that I'm not about to replace.  Maybe one day.  But not right now.  I've invested in two juicers, so that's enough investing at this time.

Another thing you need to know if you go gluten-free is this:  If you suspect celiac do NOT go on a gluten-free diet, because that will hinder a diagnosis!!!  Get your doctor to get the tests done prior to doing any gluten-free diet, because you don't want to go through that biopsy for no reason!  I doubt I have celiac, so I'm willing to take the risk.

So here's me kicking off my next phase in health, weight loss, and keeping my private parts from falling off!

And yes, there will be some new entries about other things such as how I'm feeling, if my girly bits are still intact (just kidding!), how I feel about the price of tea in England.... or whatever happens to be floating or sinking my boat.

Like I said... This shit is about to get real.

W.E.I.R.D. as K.C.U.F.

Day 17 and I'm past the half-way point in this juicing journey and counting down to Transitioning-IN.  And I'm feeling weird and having weird dreams and having weird needs and it's just FREAKING WEIRD.  Not bad.  Weird.

There's a difference.  I say that a lot lately.

Maybe I'm just rediscovering a few things I've lost along the way and have NO freaking idea what to do with these "things," whatever they are.  Or maybe I've just lost my damn mind.  *snort*  Now that I can actually deal with.  But there are the dreams and the strangeness with that, and the odd way I can't really wrap my head around how I FEEL about anything anymore.  I mean, WTF is up with THAT???

Now that I'm not wandering around in a gluten and sugar-induced fog I seem to be a bit overcome and overwhelmed by all of this.  Damn, what do I do with it all?

I've discovered an intense need to see something else, somewhere else.  I need stimulation of the 6 senses, all freaking six of them!  Could it be that I'm having my own personal 'Eat, Pray, Love' moment?  Though I don't have any intentions on visiting other countries to find love and get fat! lol  On the contrary!  But, I do so very much need to just get the hell out of Dodge and DRIVE.

To see, to drive, to smell, to taste, to FEEL ALIVE!!

It's a moral imperative.

So the question is now... where do I go?  And do I go alone, or if not, who do I go with?