I met my future last night and found it depressing PART 2

Someone graciously gave me food money, thank God, and so I headed to Sam's club last night after working at job 2.  After I'd gotten a few things I headed to the register, paid, then proceeded to the exit where the 'greeter' checks the receipt against the goods in the cart.  As I approached the door I noticed the woman standing there looked bone-weary-tired, and I thought.. wow.. I know how she feels.  I stepped up, handed her my receipt and said, "You look like I feel."  She smiled, albeit a weary smile, and said.. "I'm exhausted."

I asked her if it had been a long day for her, and she replied that it had, but that it's always a long day as she works two jobs.  I told her I was doing the same and still looking for more work, then added that it seems SO much harder to work two p/t jobs than one f/t job.  She nodded in agreement, then told me about her life (in few words)....

She works two jobs because she has to in order to survive.  Neither job pays her a living wage (boy, do I know about that!), so she takes as many hours as they will give her.

"I don't get days off," she stated in that weary tone.  "I work at one job, then I come here.  Then I get up the next day and do it again."  She sighed heavily, smiled and said... "I just don't ever get a day off."

I felt badly for her, and my heart sank as I realized.... she was me.  I wished her well, told her that her hard work was commendable and hoped things got better for her soon.  I walked out into the parking lot in the dying light of dusk and knew that I had just heard my current life story.

I had applied at Sam's but did not get an interview call.  And I would try again.  The tired woman at the exit stated that they pay $8/hr and that they only hire p/t employees [with the exception of management].  Already when I work job 1 and job 2 on the same day I'm away from home for sometimes 13 hours or so.  All of my days off at one place are filled with work at the other.  I was scheduled off for Monday and Thursday of this week at job 2 but was asked if I could or wanted to work Monday (of course I say YES!), and there was a Thursday shift available... so I took that as well.

I met my future.  I saw her weary eyes and tired face and wondered where her spirit and vitality had gone.   She looked defeated, even as she smiled pleasantly and wished every single customer that passed her a good night.  She wished for others what she would not have for herself.  Sounds familiar.

..........seriously.  what else is there to say, except... "Is this all there is?"

I met my future last night, and found it depressing PART 1

Trying to come up with f/t hours with 2 p/t jobs isn't easy at all, and many times it means you're spread thin throughout the week.  We have to do what we have to do.  My chosen career field isn't that easy to get into (another talk show), but my little p/t job within that field is all I have to keep my training and skills going.  For now.  But taking on a second job was crucial to my survival since the one job I have only gives me an average of 15 hours per week at best.

We do what we must to survive.

For the purpose of this blog I will call my 'career job' "job 1," and my 'other' p/t job "job 2.".......

I had high hopes for job 1.  The staff is SUPER small, the clinic being small, though 'big corporation' owned.  Still, I really believed that this would be a huge career move for me.  But little did I know that the place is managed (poorly so) by someone who manages in what I call "Redneck Retail" fashion.  This is NOT a retail job, btw, though there are products that are sold to clients.  That being said, I will continue...

The staff at job 1 is comprised of either housewives who have husbands with incomes, or college kids who still live at home.  Most are wealthy, spoiled, and completely clueless to many of the life lessons that teach us more about compassion, tolerance, selflessness, etc.  Truly, the entire bunch (with the exception of one new employee) are about as "Me, me, me! It's all about me!" oriented.  But the worst of it is the juvenile behavior of the adults, how they wield their power like a loaded handgun in the grasp of an angry 5 yr old.

It took me 18 months to find job 1 after my 11 year relationship ended abruptly and left me without a job, savings, car, etc.  But even though it was p/t it was still in my chosen career field, and I figured I could always get a second job to supplement.  The entirety of the staff, with the exception of myself, has only the one job... because they don't NEED a second job due to their living/life/home/money situations.  I have only myself, so I NEED a second job to survive.  It took 6 months to find that second job, but at least I found one.

Job 2 is TEMPORARY/seasonal.  It pays only min wage but offers a bonus ($1/hr per every hour worked) if the empolyee sticks it out til the end when the store closes on November 1st.  I will continue to look for another p/t job (or f/t) in the meantime.  However, job 1 boss decided to make life very difficult on me.... because I dared to get a second job.

Trust me, I'm getting to the 'future' part.....

Boss of job 1 waited this past week to post the schedule.  Boss of job 2, as per company policy, works around the employees other schedules because the job is only 2 months long and doesn't pay well.  So I waited... and waited for boss of job 1 to post the schedule.  On the day my boss from job 2 needed to make out the schedule for the week I called my boss of job 1 to find out what my schedule there was... and was told that she had not made the schedule yet.  I left a msg, then tried to call again, only to be told she had gone home for the day.  So I left another message telling her that my boss from job 2 HAD to get the schedule made and that if I didn't allow him to schedule me I would get hardly any hours at all, basically what was left over.

I went to work at job 1 the following day and left a note for job 1 boss, explaining that the schedule HAD to be made or I would have lost out.  Boss of job 1 simply stated she would deal with it the following day.

I went to work the day after... and boss of job 1 still had me set at 0.0 hours.  She told me that based on my availability she couldn't do anything about it.  See, here's the problem I have with her excuse....

a.  I am available ALL mornings til early afternoon on ALL days.
b.  I was scheduled OFF TWO DAYS from job 2, and since boss of job 1 schedules me less hours per week than 2 full days, there was NO reason at all why she couldn't schedule me for those two days.
c.  The corporation that owns job 1 has what is known as a 'work/life' program, where they are dedicated to scheduling employees so that their LIFE works well with their job.  They believe they get happier employees that way.
d.  A new employee isn't doing well and the upper staff is NOT happy with her laziness and bad work ethics.  One even mentioned that she simply wasn't interested in the job at all.  But boss of job 1 gives her 25+ hours, works her in the am......

Boss of job 1 simply is throwing a tantrum and wielding her power to do harm to someone because she can.  She's ticked off because I dared to get another job.

But worse... boss of job 1 recently added me on FB.  She never posts anything, never talks to me there, never comments on anything, and didn't even bother to say happy birthday (when she had to others).  She added me to snoop, and last evening I blocked her ability to see my updates and posts.  I simply DO NOT trust her in the least.

I have a bad feeling about where this is going, and I simply do not have the power to stop it.  She's on a mission to wreck my life, and I know this because if it were not for my boss at job 2... my rent wouldn't be paid for October.  As it is, it's barely paid.

I needed two jobs to make it.  I need two jobs to pay my bills, buy food, and have gas and insurance for my car.  This is not a joke.  This is not 'shoe money' or partying money.  This is not fun and games for me.  I'm a grown up with grown up bills.  No person or gov't agency pays my way.  "I" pay my way.

...now about talking to my future last night..

Check out PART 2......

PLEASE stop killing my joy

You give.  Then you take away.  You do what appears to be something nice for me.  Then you make me feel bad for what you do.  You wait 'til I'm incredibly excited, only to complain about how I act when I am.

I'm a bit child-like when it comes to being happy, so when I'm truly happy and excited [under normal conditions] I get a little, well, spaztic.  I get a little too silly, a little to bubbly, a little too scattered.  You KNOW I'm ADHD, even as an adult this hasn't changed.

You've made me feel bad for expressing joy MY way.  You've squashed SO MANY happy moments with your judgment and endless, ranting lectures that ALWAYS reduce me to tears; leaving me depressed and hollow.

Joy lives within me, despite what you like to proclaim.  But the joy is often destroyed by your hateful, careless words, your criticisms and judgments, the cruel things you say and/or do.  And you actually wonder why, during times that would normally induce joy, I'm.... flatlined.

Joy cannot thrive in a hostile environment any more than love can.

I'm tired of feeling nothing---because it's safer to do so.
It's exhausting watching every, single, solitary little thing I say or do or think or feel or express.
It's dehumanizing to stop, literally stop myself from being... me.

You claim to love me (at times).  And I wonder..... do you really?  WHAT is it about me that you love, since you want nearly 100% of me to change.  WHAT is it about me that you love, when you offer little more than venomous cruelty in your words and gestures, your screaming lectures and cold, indifferent silences.

I had joy today.  And you destroyed it completely and totally--along with my appetite.  Why?  Because I'm forgetful and forgot to send you a cell phone pic of the food I bought at the grocery store.......

Was that REALLY worth ruining my night for?  Was it REALLY worth destroying my happiness today... for that?

Nevermind.  I know the answer already.....

SO incredibly tired now.  Drained.  Empty.  Hollow.  Sad.  Lonely.

I'm SO close to just giving up.

SO close.

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"I hate men!"

No.  Not ALL men.  But as far as dating.. I am DONE with that [dating that is], and I have to admit that the thought of getting involved with another man just shuts me down in a huge huge HUGE way.

UGH.

Charlie Brown's Teacher

Sometimes, when people go on and on and on and ON.... they begin to sound like her.  Just sayin'....

So... what is this restlessness about?

Only partly a rhetorical question.   But I do have some idea of what's causing this.  Lack of time to get things done, for one.  Lack of money to get things done, for two.  Lack of direction or a sense of "home," for three.  But then, that third one I'm familiar with, so... what's the deal?

I need a new job.  The one I have sucks SO badly because I'm ALWAYS around people who are ALWAYS bitchy, intolerant, whiney, arrogant, indifferent, cliquish... and SO negative.  Yeah, I know, I know.  I sound so positive myself right now.  But the thing is... I don't WANT to be around them, because when I am... my energy and mood plummets hardcore.  When I'm at my other job, where I feel actually appreciated and part of the team, where I'm around POSITIVE people (no matter WHAT is going on in their lives), well... life just feels different.  "I" feel different.  And that 'other' job is only a few short hours a week and minimum wage.  The job where I'm forced to endure the people and attitudes pays $2/hr more.  But it's SO NOT WORTH IT.

I need a new job.

At this point, I'm not all that picky.  I HAVE to like my job because, let's face it, if you hate your job, you won't do a good job and you will end up quitting or being fired.  How can you spend the majority of your life in a place you hate with people you hate, etc?  You can't.  Not for long anyway.

I'm hungry, but... not.  I'm sleepy, but restless.  I'm lonely, but I appreciate the isolation at the moment.  WTH?

I'll have to finish this one later, I believe......

Wow... A Good Weekend

It happens.  I'm just sayin'...

To Whom it May Concern...

NO.  You may NOT be a bitch to me, especially without good cause.
NO.  You may NOT talk down to me because you 'think' you're better than I am.
NO.  You may NOT make ME responsible for YOUR mistakes and shortcomings.  Lack of insight on YOUR part does NOT constitute an emergency on MY part.  Comprende?

NO.  You may NOT 'delegate' YOUR responsibility to ME.
NO.  You may NOT yell, scream, bitch, condescend, or belittle me.  YOU, to me, are NOT important enough in MY life to take liberties such as those.  Simply put--you're not allowed.

I have been belittled by the best, so what makes you think that I would allow someone like YOU to belittle me? --- Rhetorical question, trust me.

NO.  I will not do YOUR job for you.
NO.  I will NOT allow you to ruin my day with your bitter negativity.
NO.  You may NOT name call or 'label' me at will, or with what YOU wish.

NO.  You are NOT better than me.

I don't care WHAT degree you have, because truthfully... I'm thinking you must have mastered in "BITCH" from what I've witnessed so far.

I don't have trouble hearing.  So use your INSIDE voice when speaking to me.

I don't speak idiot, so if you don't mind, please speak to me as if I'm an intelligent person.  IF you possess the ability, that is.

Just because I follow orders from you doesn't mean I LIKE you.
Just because I follow orders from you doesn't mean I RESPECT you.
I follow orders from you because I need the income.  Sorry, but the truth sometimes hurts.

You don't pay me enough to put up with abusive treatment.  In fact, YOU don't pay me at all.

I GET what you're doing, even when you're too stupid to realize how badly you SUCK at being sneaky.

I remember how NONE of you so much as offered condolences when my brother died.  I went to work that very day and told you all my brother had passed away.  I would have gotten more empathy/sympathy from a freaking carrot.

I remember the day my little 8 yr old ferret "Pixie" died.  She was my first, and you all knew this.  I had to say goodbye to her then drive straight to work.  The ONLY thing ANY of you said to me was, well, my boss... via text message....

ME:  "Hey, I'm in Theodore.  Pixie took a turn for the worst and I'm having to say goodbye to her.  Dr. **** is running late, so I may be about 30 mins late or so. I will get there as soon as possible though."

BOSS: "I hope so!"

D***... you're a coldhearted B*I*T*C*H!!!!!!!  I've seen it in action towards me, but I've also seen it in action at work.  You work in a veterinary clinic, for God's sake!!  Do you not FEEL anything???  Are you THAT dead inside????  Or is it just me and my furkids you're cold towards?

Either way, D***...  SHAME ON YOU!!

My nephew is dying after being hit on his bicycle by a drunk driver.  And you say NOTHING.  It's always the same thing.  NOTHING.

But let's be fair---you're ALL like that.  It seems to me that people who AREN'T like you don't stick around long....

Including me......

..................
I need a job.  But not at the risk of my health or peace of mind.
You're not important enough for me to allow you access to MY well-being.

You know, having a job is a must for most of us, so when it comes down to spending MORE time in a day or week or lifetime.. at your work.... well, if you hate your job and there's simply nothing but stress,  anxiety, lack of respect, etc.... at some point you have to ask yourself, "Is this really worth it?"

I've asked myself this question FAR too many times for just being on the job 6 months.  But I have to admit, it's gotten to where I simply can't handle the negative, bitter, bitchy, 'better-than-thou' crap most of those people subscribe to.

I'm tired of being sick to my stomach and anxious just because I have to work that day (to work THERE that day).  I'm tired of cold, indifferent bitches.

And I'm speaking of ALL OF YOU!  One in particular, in reference to the quotes etc directly above.  But truthfully... NONE OF YOU are exempt.  You are all self-centered, SELFISH freaking people who think of no one and nothing but yourselves.  Shameful.

I wonder how much it has already tarnished my reputation having worked at such a place.  As it is at the moment, I'm doing everything possible to make sure I get out as quickly as I can.  For my health.  For my peace of mind.