Feelings... today

My last post is one I have read and re-read, because even I find it surprising that I've come this far in a week's time.  I'm good with that.  I've much to learn, but I've still come so far.

I've promised myself to FEEL what I feel when I feel it, to not push it away, cover it up with something else, deny it, shame it, guilt it, or punish myself for feeling it.

My feelings are important, and acknowledging my feelings, FEELING them is integral to my well being.  If the feeling/emotion is overwhelming and too uncomfortable I use EFT.  But not until I have allowed myself to feel AND understand what it is I'm feeling.

I'm no longer going to judge myself if the feeling is negative.  This isn't to say that I will allow the negative feeling to linger and take hold of my life (that's what EFT is for).  But I have promised myself to FEEL first, then DEAL after.  I can't tap away something I don't recognize or understand; I've found that out the hard way.

Leading to today...

My BF broke up with me yesterday.  One of my precious little ferrets passed away on Friday.  My BF chose to lecture me for nearly an hour, most of the time in which I was listening (even though his words were painful and biting), but he followed that lecture up with a statement about my going to see him at that time... that it was a mistake.  I felt... at that very moment... like someone had driven a fist directly into my gut.  Those words knocked the wind out of me, and I literally couldn't breathe for a moment.

I didn't know what to do and ended up in another room gasping for air, tears streaming, unable to speak or utter a sound.  I finally made my way back to the bed where I laid down and allowed myself to FEEL the pain and all associated feelings.... and let it flow, unencumbered, unrestricted, unrestrained.

My God but it was intensely cleansing.

I didn't dwell on that feeling, but I also didn't have time to use EFT to rid myself of it.  In a way, this was a blessing in disguise.  Because something in my CHANGED by allowing the feelings to flow of their own accord....

I'm smart enough to know not to allow strong, especially negative, emotions to rule me.  So I let it flow, let it ride, got up, got dressed, packed my car.... and made ready to leave.  I wasn't intending to break up with my BF but to, instead, simply go home and heal.  HE chose to break up with me, and he chose to do so... because I told him what I was FEELING.... and stood my ground.

He broke up with me and then threw me out of his house when I told him he'd crossed a line with me and that what he said to me... was incredibly CRUEL.

I don't do cruelty.

Yesterday is passed.  And here I am today.  I find I'm surprised by how calm I am at the moment, even with that small tell-tale lump in the pit of my stomach.

I saw him as the love of my life....

Today....

I feel alone, but not completely lonely.
I feel sadness and disappointment that the man I thought loved me.. had the capacity to hurt me so deeply, so profoundly, and without regret or remorse.

I feel fear at my financial situation, and I also feel fear for two of my older ferrets, one of which may pass soon as well.

I feel sad that I'm missing out on family joy, the first real holiday gathering I've been to in..... 7 or so years.  I'm disappointed that so much sad and unhappy events had to happen within a few days of Thanksgiving.  I'm hurt that my BF didn't recognize or care that he hurt me so deeply and threw me away as if I meant nothing at all to him.

I have moments of feeling hopeful.  Those moments don't last but a few fleeting seconds, but I think with work I can lengthen those moments until they are ever-present.

I'm worried that I'm simply stuck in the denial stage.

I'm also very sleepy, very tired, and a bit depressed.  I lost my sweet little Tocho on Friday... and my BF on Sunday.

I feel what I feel and I understand them.  I understand where they're coming from and what they mean.  I also know how to heal.

I love myself, forgive myself, accept who and what I am.

I will spend the time I would have spent with my BF.. nurturing me instead.  What I can't give him, what he does not want from me, I can give to myself.

I will take care of me now, and I will let the rest of the world take care of itself.

With the exception of the animals in my care... I am not responsible for taking care of others or fixing their lives, nor am I responsible for them.

Today....

I will listen to the rain and be at peace with myself.  I will listen to music and allow myself to be carried away by it.  I will dance, even if for a few minutes and remember who I am.

I acknowledge the difficult position I am in, financially and otherwise, but I will not dwell on it or allow it to rob me of joy.

I will rest, watch my favorite tv shows and call my two best friends.  I will feel the strong love I have for my BF, because it is a part of me, but I won't allow his absence to hurt me.  I know if what he feels for me is true love... he wouldn't want or need to hurt me.

Leaning Back

I can lean back and still have an open heart.  I can nurture myself and be loving towards others--maybe even more so because of it.  I can love deeply without hanging on.  I can wait, while loving, and take care of myself too.

Today is "it."  Reborn in a way.  I can finally say... "I get it" without hesitation or second-guessing.

I can't hate one part of me and claim to love myself.  I can't exist without boundaries and claim to love myself.  Defensive is not the same thing as self-love.

Leaning back....

Not grasping or pulling, nor pushing or clinging.  Leaning back.  Just that.

Not indifference---patient acceptance of me.

Desperate to fix, no more.
Desperate to identify myself through the eyes of another, no more.
Desperate for love, no more; because I have myself.
No more loneliness when I'm alone; because I have myself.
No desperate need to repair or replace; just because something doesn't fit doesn't mean it's broken.

I am aware of the rich and abundant capacity to love that I possess.
I am accepting of all that I am.
I am at peace with who I am, and I am feeling immense joy in the revelation that I...am...a worthwhile human being.

I feel no need to explain myself.
I love being a woman and all it entails.
I do not need or want to assume the role of the masculine.
---No need to constantly fix and orchestrate 'all.'
---Open and willing to simply....be.
---Open and willing to accept love.
---I revel in the strength on the inside, the softness on the outside.

I feel my feelings and allow them to guide me.
I do not need to repress, hide, mask, deny nor force-change what I feel.
My feelings are important.

Today I understand what is required of me to be truly, abundantly happy.  Today I accept and revel and delight in being a woman, in being a feeling and thinking woman with much to offer.  Today I accept and revel in just being myself.

I know my boundaries and am strong enough to say 'no.'
I am not a toy, a bridge, or a servant.
I acknowledge and accept that I possess an ego, conscious, and subconscious and accept that ALL THREE of these are integral parts of my being.

Leaning back....

I've not let go of the reigns of my life, because I know that I should be living my life, rather than my life living me.  I choose.  I see.  I hear.  I listen.  I feel.  I respond.

This is my life.

I have simply leaned back and am grasping the reigns comfortably now, rather than hanging on for dear life.  I'm not desperate to put the breaks on or back up or turn around and run.  I choose, instead, to lean back.

My heart is open.  My spirit is at ease.  My hands are open, soft, relaxed.  My eyes are open, aware, but not searching.

I will not chase, but I also will not run.

I am simply here.  I am me.  I am living my life simply by.. being.

I allow myself to FEEL.  If the feeling feels wrong, if it's unhappy or negative, then I can and will simply choose another course.  But I won't stop myself from feeling.

I do not need to deny a feeling to change it.  It is not healthy to deny or resist feelings and far healthier to feel them... then choose appropriate measures in order to deal with them.

I do not need to hang onto a negative feeling in order to deal with it.  And I certainly do not need to discard it, suppress it, or will it away to deal with it; if I don't feel it, I'm not dealing with it.

I am leaning back.

No longer am I leaning forward to find what I need.

I am a woman existing within the realms of her dominant feminine energy.  While I accept that all humans have feminine and masculine energy, I acknowledge and accept that my dominant energy is feminine.  I acknowledge and accept that it has caused me harm to my emotional and physical being by attempting to exist in more of a masculine energy state; it's simply not natural for me.

My natural energy flow is feminine... accepting, open, and feeling, receiving... just 'being'.  I do not need to change who I am or what I am in order to please others.

I accept myself.
I love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.
I understand myself and now rely on my instincts, my intuition... to help guide me.

I am strong on the inside and soft on the outside.

I am a woman.

I am.. me.

Loss

My little 6 yr old Tocho (aka Tocho Bug or Tocho Pimne) passed away on Friday, Nov 19th.  The sad details aren't necessary; he received the best care from the best staff at the best clinic.  He was a little fighter that one.

Less than 48 hours after Tocho's passing... my bf decided to break up with me yet again.  He broke up with me because I dared to let him know he crossed a line, a very STRONG line that he was well aware of.  He made an excruciatingly painful statement about my mourning Tocho... and more, and that was my breaking point.  I was crushed, and I cried harder and longer than I think I ever have in my life.  When I was spent, I wiped the tears and stood tall, got myself together, packed my things.... and left.  Naturally, it wasn't quite that easily or smoothly... but I left.

I can take a lot of pain; physical or emotional.  However, when it comes to family (hairless humans and hairy furkids alike)... I draw the line.

Contrary to popular beliefs.. I have boundaries.

The sad truth is that he saw what his cruel words did to me.  It was evident in my face, even to me, and no amount of makeup could cover that kind of pain.  But he didn't care.  He just wanted to be right.

Cruel remarks followed by a near-shoving out the front door.  Nice.  No matter... the last thing I need is to be with someone who not only CAN hurt me to that extent without remorse..... but who DOES hurt me without remorse.

My heart is broken....  too much loss.. in too short a time.

And to think that the above is just the tip of the iceberg.

You don't HAVE to love me

It's a choice.  It always has been.

When my last living parent passed away (my dad died when I was 14, and I didn't know him) I knew, as my best friend would agree, that ... no one HAD to love me.  Sure this is ego talking, but it's in our inherent nature.. to want to be loved, cared for, appreciated, respected, etc.

I'm no different.

My BF---at least I 'think' he's still my BF---doesn't like me.  I wonder at times if he can love me if most of what and who I am... he despises?  I'll never truly know the answer to that, but my friends tell me the proof is in his actions.  His choices in how he treats me is telling.  So I'm told.

Denial isn't just another river in Egypt.

He gets so angry at me for the littlest things, things that are so insignificant that most people just scratch their head and say... "Huh?  He's made at you for that?  WTH?"  I agree.  But then, I also know that I believe he can't help but hate parts of me.  He 'wants' to love me, but he doesn't.

All I have to do is breathe and I anger him.  He's comfortable retreating and withholding his love, attention, himself.... he leaves me in total silence until he decides I've been punished enough.  And when he 'leaves,' it usually means hanging up on me and not speaking to me for some undetermined amount of time.  Total silence.  Completely ignoring me.  He doesn't even have enough 'love' for me to think about what this does to me.  But what I believe is... he does know, and he just doesn't care.  Or worse, that he's hoping to hurt me.  THAT has been the undercurrent thought I've been dealing with since he stopped talking to me.

Our anniversary passed without his ever saying a word, and the last words he spoke to me... left the impression (as it always does) that he broke up with me.  But I don't ask for clarification, I don't dare, because when I do... the answer is always.. "Well, YOU thought of it, and YOU brought it up, so YOU must want it!  So be it!  It's done!"

He sets me up.  He's good at traps.  Most of the time I feel like the hungry mouse focusing on the cheese, completely blind to the danger.  Or perhaps I'm just that gullible when it comes to him.  Either way, it occurred to me today that, if he really loved me, he wouldn't be ABLE to do this to me, to hurt me this way, to make me sit in silence and wonder.... if it's over.  I know I could NEVER do that to him, no matter how much he hurt me.  I just couldn't.   That's really telling....

His niece posted something the other day on Facebook that really hit home, a quote from a movie, or a book:

"My favorite thing in the world is to be ignored. so next time i talk to you, please act like i didnt say a word. because when you do, i feel like the most valuable person."

It's funny that she posted this.  My BF knows my history with my mother, who used withdrawal and "ignoring" me as punishment... because she discovered THAT is the way to REALLY punish me.  And I... made the mistake of sharing this information with my BF.  He apparently just put it in his big bag of tricks (or should I say weapons?) in which to use on me when he chooses.  Because he uses this ALL the time.  It's psychological abuse, so I'm told.  Maybe it is.  But it wouldn't be if I didn't have issues with this very thing from my childhood.  My mother would ignore me and pretend I wasn't there, as I cried on her shoulder softly calling.. "Mommy! Mommy!"  I've forgotten most of my childhood (blocked it out?), but this.. this I remember all too well.  So why would the man who 'claims' to love me choose THIS form of punishment?

The answers from my two best friends: "Because, Ella, he DOESN'T love you!"

The last time he broke up with me he really dug the knife in deep.  He said painful things to me such as.. if I had a hot date to go for it, told me I should consider myself single.


I went through the stages in their cyclic and painful patterns, wavering and cycling through denial, anger, pain, acceptance....and so on.  And truly, anyone who tells you that you go through one stage and a time and it's done... has never gone through this, because it's NOT that easy.


So I was crying all the time, sick to my stomach, going through absolute hell, letting go, hurting, and having no one locally to just hang out with and talk to.  I was in the process, painful and necessary as it was, I was finally in the process.  But after a few days things changed, I played the martyr... took all the blame (I always do), and he 'forgave' me.  He never forgets my alleged 'mistakes,' and he NEVER let's me forget.  But we got back together. Now here I am again, for what feels like the hundredth time..... wondering if I should be telling myself what he refuses to say---that I'm single.


He stopped having any interest in me anyway.   That much was clear.  the last time I was at his place I was so sick, but.... I was mostly furniture in the house while he went about his daily life as if I weren't there, just an unimportant and unwanted, barely-tolerated houseguest.


I go to bed alone at his house, and... well, I think I'll leave things at that.  This is just an energy drain talking about this to this extent.


I'll play the martyr... until I know where I stand in his life.  right now, I don't feel at all a part of his life.

I am me. I will always be me.

Striving to be a better person takes a lot of serious introspection.  You can't change if you have no idea what it is you need to change (or improve).  People who claim to be different but spend all of their time pointing out the [alleged] faults of others have yet to even take a look at themselves.

I guess it's hard to look at oneself when you're always looking for faults in others.

I may not be perfect, and I may not be a genius.  But I am a decent, caring person.  I know what I am, and I know what I like and dislike about myself. And I know what I need to change and improve on.  But that's MY job to attend to those issues.

I'll always strive to be better.  I don't need or want heavy criticism constantly hanging over me, because that will never help me be a better person.  Negativity never helped anyone.

I am me.  I will always be me.  I like who I am.

"That's what they all say"

It's a reply I often hear in response to my saying... "I love you." Either that or... "Really." I don't know what to make of that sort of thing, quite honestly, but the patronizing tone and sarcasm, I suppose, should speak for itself.

Maybe I just don't speak fluent Patroneeze or Sarconeeze. Truth be told, I will be quite happy if I never become fluent in either of those.

At what point does a person just stop saying the words? If they mean so little and are unwanted or unappreciated, why bother?

I'm not actively making comparisons between my situation and that of others, but comparisons are always being made in the human mind, and anyone denying that little fact.. is lying to themselves. At least I can admit my human frailties. But comparisons being what they are, they exist because the mind needs to understand something it can't find 'sense' in.

My mind is no different. When something doesn't make sense to me I want to know why, and I want to have it make sense in my head---even if the logic behind it all turns out to be painful. So be it. Sometimes.. the truth hurts.

I'm too tired to constantly analyze every single solitary minute little detail of every single solitary moment of every day. That's enough to tire an athlete, much less someone who's tired to begin with. So here's my brain trying to sort things out, make sense of the seemingly senseless, and I pay a HUGE price for that in lost sleep, lost health, diminished joy in all things "life." Now talk about something not making sense!

Back to comparisons....

I watch. I observe for a reason. I don't judge, but I do make mental notes as I learn and see and experience, albeit second-hand, what others do and have, etc. And I see so much, to many telling details. I don't WANT to see what I see. But I do.

Love really isn't complicated. The emotion is there or it is not. You choose to express it, or you choose to not. But watching others, the interactions between couples who are supposed to be 'in love' with one another.. I see something. Well, actually... I see a LOT of somethings. And it seems to me that this much is clear: If you love someone.. it's really not a choice to express that love or not, because love simply IS.... or it IS NOT.

So in the absence of expression, in the absence of that incredibly strong emotion, one must ask.... "IS this love?" Most of it is just a guessing game, because none of us really know what 'love' actually is, and the meaning and definition of love is subjective to the spirit in which it resides (or not). Having stated the obvious.... the question still remains: If someone chooses to withhold love, withhold the expression of love, refuse to accept love given and expressed.... does that particular love exist?

I'm not about to go scientific with this, because I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE SCIENCE OF LOVE.

Love...

I'm just sayin'....