Today. And why not?

Email from a friend...

September 01, 2016: Taking Care of Me is Priority #1

Life.  You know.

What if...

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Dealing. Just dealing.

I've dealt with enough crap this morning to last a lifetime.  Unearthed is the truth, something I'll have to deal with one day at a time, one decision at a time.  After posting in This Free Spirit I've little left to say, as I'm spent emotionally.  Overall, I'm glad to have the benefit of the truth, even if it's not pretty.  Not being one to like my head in the sand I will just face what actually IS, rather than pretend all is well in my world.  It's just the reality of life.

Dealing with health issues, the indifference and lack of compassion from T, seeing a glimmer of what 'could' be once I'm well again... is a lot to process every day.  Maybe not so much for someone healthier, but it certainly is for me.  I suppose I can just say it's keeping me on my toes.

For the most part today I feel betrayed and stuck in a life that I'm not at all fitting into.  I miss MY life but accept that sacrifices are made with a relationship, be it marriage or something else.  The betrayal I refer to is that, once again, I've a situation where I'm with someone who pretended one thing and is actually another.  I don't like that at all.  He's not evil or abusive, so don't get me wrong.  But what he hid and the lies he told DO have an impact on life, especially mine.

For heaven's sake, why can't people just be HONEST about who they are?!

My morning was riddled with anxiety and stress, so I'm paying the price for that today with fatigue, discomfort, elevated pain level.... and just a dull feeling of sadness that is going to take some work to overcome.  It's not depression really, but more like heavy disappointment laced with anger.

My view of life is somewhat distorted as I spend the majority of my time alone.  I'm once again disconnected from the greater part of living--meaning the outside world.  Too sick to get out of the house, and in a place I've not been in but for a short time means... I don't know anyone.  It's a familiar situation, I'm afraid, and it's not my choice but more my circumstances.  But this disconnection does hinder the healing process, which isn't going well at all but actually getting worse.

Another day of dealing with what I already deal with, and also new challenges.

Well... till tomorrow......

Should I....???

It's been a 'musical' day for the most part, as it usually is when I'm having a bad day.  So much pain, what else is there?  Either music, or Spanish lessons.  And... decision-making.  Hmmmm.

So, silencing the music I wonder... of people who've either extracted themselves from my life.. or I booted them.  Either way, there are reasons for everything in life, for choosing to stick with the status quo, or... to create meaningful change and hope for the best.  As all life goes, everything is a risk.  Everything.

It's been my policy that once I'm an 'ex' I'm an ex.  I don't, and have never, seen any reason to stay even loosely inserted in someone's life when you've been rejected, or... when you've rejected them.  Sure, some people can become BFFs with their ex's.. that's fine for them.  But for me, the past is the past.  Not that there's been any exceptions to this rule--there have been.  There's been exactly 2 exceptions, and for good reason.  However, one person was a friend who, no matter how how I tried to forgive repeatedly, decided that his immersion into the 'occupy' movement... simply made him just this side of intolerable.  That's another story for another day---or perhaps not at all.

A discussion with a  friend of mine recently gave me a lot to think about.  Her life is vastly different from mine, which poses difficulty for her when it comes to giving me advice.  She doesn't get where I'm coming from at all most of the time, and that's okay.  We also don't share a deep friendship, and in  fact.. it's fairly superficial for the most part.  Only once a month, roughly, do we actually talk to one another, and we don't hang out ever.  That's okay too.

So, what she presented to me was basically this:  Why cut anyone out of your life?  On the surface it's a good question, but it lacks something vital.  The most important reason for cutting someone completely out of your life is that the relationship proved to be harmful in some way.  So with just that reason in mind... it just makes no sense to present the question in that way.  However, I added a little more to it, such as 'How much forgiveness is available given the circumstances and does that forgiveness translate into a 2nd, or even 3rd chance?'  Basically, maybe there's some merit to looking at each circumstance individually.  Maybe.

In the case of my 'occupy' friend I honestly don't know what to think.  We were the best of friends for over 12 years.  He lives in CA and even at that distance it never hindered our friendship a bit.  We watched movies together, which was often hilarious as we attempted to sync the DVD's and not react too quickly if we were slightly ahead of the other.  We shared EVERYTHING.  We expressed joy, anger, sadness, etc., and could talk for hours on the phone every day.  We helped each other when times were tough, and there wasn't a minute in a 24 hour period that was off-limits.  A 2am phone call or 4am phone call was always answered.  Not that we took advantage of that, but.. it was always a given that, should we need each other, that we could reach out and have someone right there on the other end of the line.

He lost his job of almost 20 years due to layoffs, and that's when everything went terribly wrong.  I suppose as he struggled to find his footing again (in Los Angeles) he found, instead, a group of people who became like family to him.  His mother & father is deceased, and his sister is, well... she's not the warmest of people and left him, literally, to drown in his own circumstances.  I wasn't able to help him financially, and he wasn't inclined to leave CA at that time... so his situation became even worse.  During this time he met with those involved in the occupy moment, and that... is where he lost himself.

Phone calls that used to be about life, living, music, humor, movies, songs he was writing (he's a musician), animals, etc... became all about occupy this or that.  Then... he got involved in the B L M moment, and the smart part of him that wasn't devoured by occupy was completely consumed by B L M... and he became a self-loathing 'white.'  Neither of us are racist, and so I'm not sure why he became lost, so completely and totally lost to a group that for every practical purpose devoured his soul and personality.

For about 4-5 years now I've spoken to him very little with the last phone call being last summer when I bought him a Vegan cookbook.  I never even heard a word back from him other than when I send him a message asking if he received it and he replied with... "Thanks."

His name on social networking sites has the word 'occupy' in it, and I guess it really represents what he's become.

I don't call him anymore, and now that it's election time... and he's a flaming liberal while I'm a conservative (converted after making the huge mistake of voting for Obama the first time)... we have even more animosity.  He was the one, in fact, that talked me into voting for Obama, and already having a deep dislike for a chronically triggered McCain... it was inevitable that I'd give in.  There was also the health care thing, something I desperately needed, but... that's not the only reason I regret that vote.  I was an independent, and now I'm not, so I'm 'gifted' with his presence on my FB on occasion as he bashes Trump, whom I'm supporting and have since the start.

"There are three things I never discuss with people; religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus

So is, was, my usual stance.  But my friend vomited horrible remarks on my FB page on a post in which I finally had to tell him the truth, the blunt truth that he's not the person I once knew and loved as a friend... but that if he resorted to spewing hate on my TL again.. I would block him. Period.  It's taken years to get to this point.

My friend with the advice... I made a decision to re-think my stance.  But as I told her... there are limits to what I'll endure.  Case by case basis seems reasonable.  I easily forgive, but I'm not one who easily forgets.

The days of my being a doormat for criticism, judgment and cruelty to enter my life is over.

The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing To Be...

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

Write. Read. Delete. Repeat.

Such is the case in this blog and always has been.  This is the place where I have exposed my heart of hearts, my spirt, and my soul.  When I dare to be blunt about the thoughts in my head or the feelings I have those entries here are often deleted.  Not always, but sometimes.  I guess you might wonder why that is.  I suppose if you reach for something and get your hand slapped enough times.. you stop reaching; at least that's what I did.

Pouring my heart out used to be easy for me.  With all my emotions on my sleeve (most of the time) I was an open book.  Hiding my emotions wasn't something I did across the board but under the proper circumstances, and with utmost care.  However, one of the relationships I was in taught me to mistrust, to close and lock-down my feelings to where I no longer felt safe expressing them.  Eventually, I would learn to not allow anyone to even know I had blogs, much less give them the url's so they could read them.

Mistrust is quite powerful.

I long to be that open and trusting again, and perhaps I will get there if I keep trying.  In the meantime I hold back, and I hold back a lot.  There's so much to say and share here, but I have to UN-LEARN a learned behavior, and I've not yet figured out just how to do that.

In a perfect world I could pour all of my experiences, thoughts, dreams, wishes, rants and ravings upon these virtual pages and go on about my business.  In a perfect world.

I'm going to find a way to fix this...

$260+ Prescription and Epic Failure So Far

Maybe.  Maybe not.  Has it been enough days?  How long will it take?  WTH?  Without actually going into the failure of a very expensive medication, and without talking too much about the why's and wherefores of it all, I still have to get a few things off my chest with regards to where I am right now, today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life.

Let me start by asking the burning question: "What life?"  Yes, I'm breathing.  Yes, my heart still beats.  But there isn't any quality of life at the moment.  Now how is it that I'm supposed to do anything other than 'will' myself through each and every day when there LITERALLY is NO quality of life?  How do other people do this?  Oh, and I've looked, trust me.

I see videos, read blogs and articles and forum posts, and I just can't really connect with what they're saying, what they're talking about.  I don't understand what the hell is happening to me right now with all of this muscle weakness and shaking, which at times feels like I can't stand or walk.  Where is this coming from?  Medication?  I see no one really talking about this anywhere, and what weakness etc they may feel isn't enough to shut them completely down like this.  And I see people who are still able to get through their day and take care of common tasks, ones that are now nearly impossible for me.

What gives?

I keep looking, keep reading, keep learning, keep hoping and believing this will eventually get better. But there's one little problem with that method of 'coping,' and that's this: I have no real grasp on what "this" is!  How can you look for a solution, remedy, or cure for something that is yet unidentified?  You can't.

Yes, I know and understand I have AIH.  I get that. I'm on medication for this AI issue and hope remission will be quick.  I realize it generally takes 1.5 to 2 years for remission to be in place, so I'm prepared for that.  But these symptoms... wth?

My first week on prednisone was AWESOME, and I may have overdone things a bit, I admit.  Maybe the 8+ hours a day I spent that first week of feeling really great triggered something with the muscles?  I had chilled out the following week after the first taper because of the return of symptoms.  And yet while my dr increased the dosage again for a short while... it didn't help.  Did I trigger Myositis to flare up?  Is Myositis the other problem?  Doc seems to think so.  Damn.

OMG, seriously... I can't stop thinking or talking about this.  See, this is why people need a diagnosis of SOME kind, because GUESSING or WONDERING wth is going on can drive a person nuts, especially when it's gone on too long.

Geez.... Shut up brain! :/

Cross-Post Rant Ahead! "I'm DONE"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

First Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D

Post-Political Rant

Whew.  Yeah, so I spent a bit of time on my other blogs with the last being a raging political rant.  It happens, especially right now in the heat of the debates and such.  This is a really critical time for us here in the USA.  Not that any other election in history wasn't important, it's just that the person coming into office this time around has to clean up Obama's mess, and what a freaking mess it is too.

While I'm not going to focus on politics here (did enough of that in the other blogs), I will say that I don't believe too many Americans actually GET just how much everything BHO is doing NOW, and what he will continue doing over the course of his time left as POTUS.. is going to directly affect each and every person, and it's NOT going to be good.

Stepping away from politics...

Right now I'm simply assessing things, as I do each and every day, weighing and comparing and contrasting everything that's going on in my life and how I can affect change without tipping the scales too far to one side.  This is a daily thing for me, as you guys may have already guessed. ;)  Overall, it's a good thing that I continue to persevere on all fronts, but I need to redirect my focus onto something solid and substantial with regards to what action I need to take right this very day.  What can I do TODAY to better my life and put me on a path that's more 'me' in nature?  Burning question of the day, my friends.

What I'm doing....

Reading.  Watching videos.  Learning from others who deal with AIH, weird relationships, and damage from past relationships, etc.  Acquiring insight on how others cope.  It's a good start, isn't it?  I believe so.

Pushing myself towards my art again, though I'm not convinced this is an effective message.  I don't believe any art reveals itself under forceful circumstances, but I do believe surrounding myself with the tools necessary to pick up and carry on will definitely help.  So this is what I've taken on over the past couple of weeks, getting a few supplies together to restart my OOAK dolls again.  I'm also making custom sock monkeys to augment and expand this artistic need I have, looking forward to the photography of the Little Weirdos in the making...

Well.  Dammit.  Here comes that wretched nausea again....

Seriously?  Ugh.  Ok.  Guess I'll end this entry here and hope for the best.  Time to sit back, relax, and scour youtube for more enlightenment...

Til next time....

For those who've left comments... THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...

Here We Go

By now you guys probably understand that I'm existing in that Prednisone fog.  It's intense, and it's not exactly a good time being on this stuff... and it's exceptionally awful coming off.  Once again, just a brief reminder that I will most likely reference this fact often, because it's overwhelmingly JUST THERE as a backdrop to everything I do or attempt to do.  But having said that, I'm dealing with one day at a time, and most days.. one hour at a time, and having sliced the 24 hours in unequal parts means things are truly at a level of chaos unlike anything I've ever known.

Nausea now.  Here it is in all it's glory, the beginning of Cushing's Syndrome-like effects, mostly unavoidable even when tapering slowly.  Bear with me, because if I have anything to say it's going to be filtered through this experience.  I can't promise it will be pleasant, but I can promise it will be truthful, real, and about as raw as you'll ever see me.

So, not to underestimate the power of steroid withdrawal, I simply face my thoughts and feelings on a case by case basis and hope for the best.  Is it moodiness that makes me think this or that, is it reality squared?  Do I ignore my feelings and tell myself "It's the prednisone"?  Nah.  Really, what mostly happens on this stuff is that the filters break down and allow everything to rise to the surface, unfettered by social graces. haha.  Of course I have some control over it and can maintain some semblance of balance in my perceptions, etc.  But I'm also finding it refreshing in a way to actually SEE and FEEL things on a very real level, even if it's unpleasant at times.

It's really weird, but I find myself facing things head-on that I would usually shrink away from in order to avoid any unpleasantness.  In fact, last night I had someone who I've known for many years say something completely out-of-line and hateful on social media, snarky... bitchy... just really blatantly rude.  A pre-prednisone me would've gotten her feelings hurt and simply left the conversation to die and wither on its own.  I would've walked away, licked my wounds and distracted myself with other matters until the hurt feelings passed.  Oh, but not last night...

Last night another, bolder me rose to the surface and in just a few words let that person know she was being mean, ugly, and asked her WHY.  Not for MY sake, mind you, but so she had to face her own ugliness.  Keeping it simple and VERY blunt I got my point across and actually had someone come to my defense, the very person who began the thread in the first place.  A thread, mind you, that had nothing to do with what that ugly person was talking about.  She basically just took a shot at me for no reason.  It's okay, though, because my give-a-shutter is a bit broken right now and I'm able to speak my mind without regret.  No, I'm not being mean or ugly.  I simply spoke the truth in question form and let HER emotional machine deal with it all.  Not my circus, not my monkeys... as they say.

I'm a little done with being a pushover, too-soft, and too much of an introvert that people walk all over me.  Maybe this is my chance to grow a stronger backbone so I can continue to rise above any BS that comes my way.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  I will still be me, just a little tougher than before.

Worth a shot anyway.   I'm nobody's tool.

Limbo

For anyone curious, I'm back to mostly splitting my posts between the blogs, sorted by relevance.  I like being able to look back and remember where I was in what capacity, without looking through an endless potpourri of thoughts and events.

I've spent the morning drinking coffee and spilling my guts upon these 'pages,' wondering why the hell this medication (prednisone) MUST make me feel so damn off, a little depressed, swinging from motivated to just too damn painful to walk.  Hell, I don't have any answers, so I just let my feelings crash upon the pages until I can at least figure out what the hell to do.

The house is quiet.  My choice.  Just quiet today.  No music pouring from the Bose... just the sound of a small, ticking clock nearby... and typing.  Coffee as fuel, and the inner turmoil of prednisone hell.  Yeah, yeah.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it really is rather overwhelming at this time, especially since I've dropped down another 5mg.  What will the effects be this time, I wonder?

Next week I see the pulmonologist.  Last appointment I had revealed mild COPD and many lung changes since the first CT.  In 3 months time things got a bit worse for my lungs, but that was BEFORE the prednisone!  I wonder at this time if the prednisone will actually help my lungs and keep the nodules and focal thickening from becoming worse?  Seems my breathing is better, and with less wheezing than before.  Could be, could very well be the anti-inflammatory effects of this very powerful corticosteroid.  We will see.  Not sure if the Dr. will order another CT to check things.  But we will see.

I see the hepatologist again on the 25th.  He may order labs to check my liver enzymes, etc.  I'm not sure what will happen medication-wise.  I hate the prednisone side effects, but I hate the idea of a flare-up even worse.  Ugh.  We'll see what he decides.

Dammit.  I feel like I'm in limbo.  Could very well be that my cortisol levels are low and making me feel low as well.

*sigh*

I have so much to say, really.... and I'm just not saying it.  Maybe a bit later when I can realistically deal with what I'm feeling.  Maybe after I get a few things done around the house... Need to make the main office room ready for an exercise bike---a huge expense, but a necessary expense IMHO.  There's already a new tv and blu-ray player for the room, and now all that needs done is to shuffle things about to make a space for something that's going to help me immensely.

... yeah... there's that.

What is worth more than this day?

I've been blog by blog, fueled by a little too much coffee this morning.  And yet I feel accomplished as I discover that, once again, my mind has cleared a little (thanks to the Prednisone??) and I'm able to get my thoughts out.  My other blogs, well all of them, are being filled with ideas, expectations, hope, contemplations... and I am feeling uplifted for the moment...

It's another day.  It's another day living with an autoimmune disease that is far from reaching remission.  I know the deal, summon the patience needed to accept the situation and it's processes, the time it will take to reach remission.  1-2 years.  I can do this if I focus.  Yes, there will be good days and bad days and struggles and set-backs, but there will also be victories.  It is what it is.

Acceptance.

Today began a little rough, not feeling well in the least.  However, and maybe not the best idea, I used a bit of extra caffein to boost myself to the next level here.  It worked.  So far it worked.  I can't do this every day, obviously not healthy, but I can do it when I need to.

Today is a good day.  And I'm going to get some things done.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Always.  But that's life, isn't it?  In the meantime I will take advantage of what energy I have, even if it is caffein-induced, and I will use it for what needs done.  Oh but I would love to have a take-it-easy kind of day, actually NEED that.  But not today.  Not today.

So I will listen to music, have this last cup of coffee, and find the drive and determination to complete tasks that are, quite frankly, not the easiest things for me right now.

I'm tired.  So tired.  But today is a good day.  And I'll take that.

Spilling over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

Screw Circular Logic

All that LOA crap doesn't work the way you think it does, and if you get sucked in too far you will actually be a strong negative influence on other people's lives!  I won't apologize for buying into the whole LOA thing, as it mostly relies on 'duh' statements and circular logic, both of which really mean absolutely nothing, teaches absolutely nothing, and yield's absolutely nothing.  IMHO, the ONLY true form of LOA is being awake!  Get that?  Being awake!

Being awake means you're not walking about with rose-colored glasses on, filtering every thought and deed through a common thought.  Being awake means you SEE, you HEAR, and you act accordingly.

Just because you 'believe' and 'feel good' and are 'positive' doesn't mean you can walk across a busy interstate and make it to the other side unscathed.  Oh, you might die HAPPY and POSITIVE, but you're still going to die!

"You don't feel good because you're happy.  You're happy because you feel good."  Even in the reverse this means exactly the same thing, taking both sides of the argument in this case.  Circular logic or reasoning, or.. false reasoning.

The above is a direct quote from a well-known LOA speaker and 'guru.'  And it's a blatant example of circular logic.  It's easy for people to buy into because it appears simple on the surface.  And guess what?  It IS simple, because it really means nothing at all because it fails to give any information.

I guess I'm ranting on this because I see people on social media posting about this LOA thing, something that turns people into intolerant beasts when they embrace it full-on... which I never did.  It made no sense to me, and it went totally against my Christian beliefs.  That conflict was never going to be left alone to play itself out, like good vs evil, until one or the other won.  Who the hell needs that anyway?  Not me.  I chose my faith and good sense over LOA.

Now, I don't mean to belittle anyone who believes in LOA.  If it works for you, then so be it.  My own beliefs are such that I'm not going to blame people for the bad that's happened to them in their lives, nor am I going to steer clear of people simply because they're struggling with something.  That's just unkind and selfish.

Just freakin' be kind to others, people!

Okay.. hopping off the soapbox....

PART 2: Priorities Revealed

Assuming you've read PART 1, I won't rehash the entire experience.  And I've spoken of my disappointment (for lack of a better word) in that T has the worst hierarchy of priorities that I've seen in a few years.  And in light of his absence during yesterday's procedure shows me more than ever where he is, who he is, and what he is.

When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me.  The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.

I told him T had dropped me off and went to work;  and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved.  He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived.  The radiologist left the room, and I called T...

T's reaction?  "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."

I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all.  And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt.  I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.

The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind.  In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.

What does this mean?  That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer.  I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with.  Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts?  I'm certainly beginning to think so.

I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving.  But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier.  Because that's what it all boils down to.  The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.

A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible.  T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn.  I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn.  I just wanted to go home and rest.  That's all.  Just go home and rest.  But that wasn't about to happen.  T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.

This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships.  At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.

Deja vu.

I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday.  I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.

I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.