The Fourth Child in Social Hierarchy PART II

In PART I... I spoke about the balance of power in relationships and the Beta male.  THIS time, I want to finish up with speaking a bit about the Alpha male and women who are either Alpha or Beta.  In the scope of relationships and that necessary balance of power I must also address the serious and fatal issues that arise from polarized power between the sexes and tie it in to my own experience.  So, let's get started.

I have to admit I was to write this entry immediately following the last.  However, I found myself getting rather caught up in Ian Somerhalder photos. lol  Now, he 'presents' as the typical Alpha in that he's confident, successful, but also possesses a huge heart and an abundance of compassion.  The Ian Somerhalder Foundation is all about.. animals.  You'll find hundreds and hundreds of photos of him on the web posing with both domestic and wild animals.  The fact that he's an animal lover is a huge clue to who he is as a man.

So is Ian an actual Alpha male?  Well, I wouldn't personally know because I don't KNOW him.  But usually what comes to mind, whether you're male or female, is an image that represents "Alpha."  For some it may be the image of actors who played James Bond.  For others, such as me, it can be someone else entirely.  But when we look back at our history and interactions with various people it's pretty easy to see who's what.

It's not about a pretty fact, btw.  In fact, many Alphas aren't classically good looking at all.  We just find there's something about them....

You'll find opinions everywhere as to what an Alpha actually is.  Some believe that Alpha women are the best because, like their male counterparts, they're successful, confident, etc.  But this really, from a psychological standpoint, is a lot more complicated when it comes to females.  Ever meet a 'Feminist'?  Yeah.  Need I say more?  This isn't always the representation, but it often is.  Not all confident Alpha women make 6 figures per year and own yachts.  Many, if not most, are just ordinary people.

Life experiences affect who we are, which can make or break a woman down to her lowest common denominator.  This, though, is entirely out of the spectrum we want to stay in here.  So, we won't be addressing the minutia of the human psyche and its effects on us as individuals.

The Balance of Power And Sustainability in Relationships:

There's is where I'm going to keep it REALLY simple.  99% of successful relationships have both a male role and a female role---and an Alpha and Beta role.  You have no idea how very important this is.  So let's put it in perspective, in real life situations.

We've all seen enough movies to have seen this Alpha/Beta thing in action.  Fiction does have its components based on actual reality--otherwise there wouldn't be anything to sustain our interest.  If we can't connect in some human way with what we see and hear... we become bored.  This isn't always something we're acutely aware of, btw.

Let's take things OUT of the movies and go straight to the core of the problem.  In every relationship that works there's a male & female role in which Alpha & Beta personality traits are in play.  Again, I'm focusing mostly on the guy's role here for the sake of this discussion.  However, let's also back it down, since we already know what an Alpha & Beta is, and keep it to 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits, because the latter is far easier to recognize.

Whether a heterosexual relationship or gay relationship--it's still the same.  Every relationship has both a male and female component.  We're strictly speaking of straight couples here in this discussion, btw.

Female or Feminine TRAIT situations:

Honestly, this is the worst situation of all, because there is this lack of initiative on the guy's part.  Most women, of course, have feminine traits.  This is problematic because they're both in the mode of waiting for the Alpha to step up, step in, and take charge.  In these situations... it just never happens and ultimately ends up in complete failure.  Both parties are waiting for the other to literally take charge of the situation, whatever that situation is.  If the situation is sex--there's usually BIG trouble.

Beta males, as opposed to Alpha males, tend to sit back and wait for the woman to orchestrate life and, oddly, he ends up resenting her for it later.  When this happens it makes the relationship and everything in it, including sex, extremely awkward.  To say the least.

Most times the tell-tell signs are there, but they're not actually recognized for what they are until it's too late.

Beta males will:

Expect you to initiate sex 99% of the time, and expect more 'receiving' than giving.  More times than not there is they have this sense of entitlement where you're concerned, as well as a sense of expectation without provocation.  In other words, a Beta male is inherently going to expect you to initiate sex, jump through hoops to please him right off the bat, right from the start, and pretty much 99% of the time.  Over time his female counterpart will lose interest in sex with him and begin to pull away.

Eventually, that woman he's with will begin noticing other men, Alpha men.  Again, this is just nature and a fact of life.

This also holds true with the other scenario, that in which both have 'male' or 'dominance' traits.  This is also a disaster because both sides are always vying for power and control.  This second situation I won't go into much because it's outside the scope of this conversation.

When the balance of power is in its rightful place things tend to go smoothly between two people.  If the man is dominant/Alpha he compliments the female role of his partner.  If the woman is the Alpha or 'dominant' role and she's with a guy who just so happens to be a Beta... it just may work out because he wants someone to take care of his needs and, well, isn't willing to initiate himself into any given role or circumstance.

Girly Girls Love Manly Men:

It's kind of how the human race survived.  I don't think I need to go into all of that, because I think you get the picture.

The bottom line is that it's very difficult to be in a relationship with Beta males.  I'm girly to the core and find situations where I'm expected to assume the masculine role EXTREMELY awkward and uncomfortable.  And when it comes to sex in such a situation--it's a major turn-off for me.  Been there, done that.  Ugh.  And, I'm rather in that situation now.  But for the possibility that reason can lead to understanding on his part, meaning.... he really has to come to terms with a LOT and find ways past or around those things.  Otherwise, this situation is doomed.

It takes a mountain of humor to see myself through this, I have to say. I'm not completely confident that it will be resolved, and I'm not exactly sure right now how to manage remaining in this relationship given the outright upset in the balance of power.  And THIS, my friends, is where The Fourth Child comes in.

We've come full circle back to me and my situation.  Even though they did eventually end, the most enjoyable, exciting, and FUN relationships I've had in my life were the ones where I was with the ultimate Alpha male.  The best lasted 11 years until he went full-blown mid-life-crisis mode.  There just isn't any way to save someone from themselves when they head willingly down that path.  He passed away about a year after we broke up, but he was in full MLC swing from what I heard.  But for the better part of 11 years, until his MLC became a relationship wrecking ball, it was pretty awesome.

I've been in relationships with 3 Betas in my life, and not one of those was anything to brag about.  True to my nature I hoped it was a simple matter of respect, or lack thereof.  But as it turned out it was far more than that and something that couldn't be fixed in the short term.  Not my job to 'fix' anyone and I won't waste the energy trying to.

I'm not a psychologist or expert on anything.  My take on all of this is from YEARS of reading books and gathering information from psychology journals and research papers online, and a little of what I obtained in my psych classes in college.  My experiences fall in line with what I've read.

As my life is now I feel as if I'm living with someone who's very much like a child.  He's not a child in his work, because he's very successful.  But when it comes to everyday life it's another matter, and at this point it's risky for me due to my health and physical limitations.  I feel vulnerable and am having a nearly impossible time trying to feel any confidence in this.  The vulnerability stems from my failing health, for the most part.  It's scary knowing that you have to depend so much and count on someone who is NOT the type of person to care this way for another.  Very, very scary.  I've been in a similar circumstance and felt the same vulnerability, the same anxiety, the same exact lack of confidence in both the situation and the person.

Every day that I wake into this life I'm met with yet more reminders of how blatantly awkward and exhausting this whole thing is.  Does he know how I feel?  He absolutely does.  Has it helped?  Not in the least.  The more this fails the scarier for me it becomes, which makes getting my health back absolutely necessary, vital, critical...

The first time I learned about the whole 'Beta male' thing was when I lived in Colorado, some 20+ years ago.  I found it curious and interesting and thought such information would serve me over time.  I didn't count on my own lack of ability to immediately identify such traits, or perhaps.. my inability to recognize I may have been overlooking them on purpose.  But I chose to read a lot of books over the years, off and on, and often by chance, and yet to this day I still don't SEE the writing on the wall until after it's too late.  Not my life's finest accomplishments, I have to admit.

While I mostly write to get things off my chest, out of my system, I also write in hopes of helping others.  Maybe I'll spare someone the hassle of a relationship where there's just a coupling of opposing forces.

In retrospect I see evidence that I didn't recognize at the time.... one in particular...

As I lay next to him, exhausted, and not in a good way I thought to myself... "We can't both be the girl in this relationship."

Seven Days.

It's an important number to me.  Every 7 days my dosage of prednisone decreases.  While I'm tapering from this extremely powerful drug I experience many unwanted side-effects, much of which I can't differentiate from AIH symptoms.  At 5mg/week my body became my worst enemy, leaving me unable to walk from the living room to the kitchen, making it difficult to walk the very short distance from the room I have to sleep in now to the nearby bathroom.  From unshakable episodes of freezing to feeling as if my body is going to melt into a puddle, I never know from one minute to the next what I'll be dealing with.  The turning point for me a few days ago was waking up before the sun in the throes of a migraine.

Tapering 5mg/week was simply not going to work.

Another call to the dr. and I'm told to go back up to 7.5mg and taper down at 2.5mg/week.  The morning of the migraine I discovered that with that 5mg dosage the migraine would go away, and it was that same evening that I added the additional 2.5mg.  While this seems like numbers and boring, dry information, I promise it's much, much more than that.  My entire quality of life depends on a tiny little pill that had the ability to make or break my life in every way.

On one hand it's a life-saver, and on the other it's dangerous as hell.  It's the drug people with AI diseases love to hate.

The usual thinking on getting off prednisone is to slow the taper the lower the dosage gets.  I'm unsure if I will be able to go down to the 5mg again, but I'll certainly find out next Wednesday.  Just how I'll find out is yet to be seen.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worse?  Will there be debilitating symptoms again?  Or will everything go smoothly?

Without answers I can't make plans.  With each day being a giant mystery that unfolds one minute, one hour, one symptom (or lack of) at a time I am no longer really in control of my life anymore.  Prednisone now determines everything---basically, it's made me its bitch.

I can be honest about this.  I have to be honest about this.  I'm willing to face this head-on even if it means I'm the recipient, on occasion, of a TKO by a drug that is supposed to save my life.  I'll get up, face another day (albeit at times unwillingly), and keep going.

All of the above has affected my life.  Okay, I accept that.  What I don't like at this time is no support network, no one listening (not including who reads here) when I really need to talk.  If I could just feel good, be without pain, lead an normal life, I can handle the other stuff.

In the meantime I'm ticking down the hours in those 7 days to reach toward that goal of being off a drug that whispers it will save me, while making me feel as if I'm dying.

Seven days at a time... we'll see where I will be when I'm finally free of the prednisone shackles.

We will see...

Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

"Cause every time is the last time..."

Spilling over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

Our Own Personal Static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...

Have you seen my alter egos?...

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.