The Invisibility of Being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Getting My Attention

So, first of all, my blogs are about my life, my seeking to understand where I am and who I am in the midst of a few unpleasant truths.  Be it a past filled with abusive relationships, abuse of other kinds, living with and around controlling people, my health.. it's just me here trying to work things out in my mind, spirit, body, and my life as a whole.  Every now and then I'll indulge myself in other topics, but my goals are to REALLY work though some things that are, frankly, long overdue when it comes to 'dealing' and 'preparing' the broken, jagged pieces of who I am.

There will be times when I speak of things completely outside of myself, and when my focus is on me.. it's not because I WANT to be in that inward place so much.  Actually, where I want to be is healed enough on the inside, both physically and emotionally, that I can turn my attention further outward and away from that inner ground zero.  I'm not comfortable in this place and want a way out. THAT is why I talk about what I do and from a place that is centralized and within.  This is how I'm dealing.

And I make no apologies for how I choose to work through the matters that demand my attention.

Peace.  Joy.  Happiness.  Comfort from within.  Hope.  Freedom.  To have wings again... to live, to breathe freely, to seek more time in that outside world... I don't think my dreams or goals or wishes are that much different from others.  Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think most of us would like those things I listed to be the foundation for everything else.

The more I find my health failing, the more I reach for what was, could be, and has been.  Why not return and see a better past and hope it can be again?  Why not remember when life was, while not easy, at least more like LIVING?  It only makes sense to me to make that a focus.

I've turned away from my own needs for so long that I was lost to everything completely outside of me.  I disconnected from my own personal truth, my dreams, even my own body, and I paid a terrible price for that, a debt I'm still paying as of today.  And all because my core belief hinged around making sure others had everything they needed first, that they were happy, and by God if I had to change who I was completely to make a loved-one happy, then by God I will do it!  What the hell was I thinking?  No!  That's NOT the way it's supposed to be, and yet I wasn't ever taught to take care of me.  Life was always centered around pleasing someone else.. all of the time... beginning with my mom.  This is repeated in nearly every relationship I've had.

I was told in a past relationship that I was self-centered.  Words like that hit me pretty hard and a reaction is always immediate.  Self-doubt steps in and takes over, pushing reason and logic aside to wither.  Having spent the better part of my life as a chronic people-pleaser, because God forbid I risk anyone's ire by disappointing them, I've attempted to 'reinvent' myself to a point where I've come dangerously close to losing who I am.  I know it's the inner machine working and grinding to reconcile this new and "selfish" idea that I should, you know, maybe start taking care of myself with being that person who was always, always putting everyone and everything else first.  And yet each and every time I try to do something for myself out of self-respect, logic and reason, I get a hard flash of guilt that makes me question why I would bother [doing anything for me].

Why I listened to anyone who didn't have my best interests in mind (to say the very least) is beyond me still.  If I ever finished the therapy I began at the end of the last relationship I probably wouldn't be wrestling with this right now.  I will say I learned much in the few short months I did see a therapist, one I was seeing because I DID recognize the damage that was done to me in the last relationship.  Beverly taught me a lot, and not just about myself but about the other person involved.  And I cried the day she told me, point blank, that I'd spent far too much time in my life focusing on the happiness and needs of others, and that it was time to accept that I needed TLC as well, especially from myself.  I had this sense of surrealism, and it was very strange to hear someone say those words to me in the way she did.

And yet I thought.... 'What's the catch'?

That's the real issue.  I don't trust easily now.  And I used to be a subscriber to complete and total blind trust.

No more.  I can have a healthy amount of trust without all the blindness, but it will take time.

And the guilt, the constant guilt whenever I speak about my problems here, whenever I do something positive or uplifting to my spirit, my soul, whenever I open up and speak from the heart about what's going on with me, my life.. that guilt cripples me, and the ugly voice of the past speaks up and tells me I'm selfish for doing anything at all to make my own life better.

...... more later.....

No blast from the past, thank you

Yet, because I've saved far too much on my phone and in emails, I'm often smacked in the face by past reality.  It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, really, because as they say.. those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.  And some of us repeat it because we simply haven't learned our lessons.

Either way.

Funny, though, how much of the saved crap is unpleasant crap.  But I do know why I did that.  During a time when I needed that reality check it kept me strong in my decisions and resolve with what needed to be done for my health, my happiness, and my life overall.  It serves its purpose even now.

Having no one to say 'goodbye' to...

And you guys know I've spoken about this before, but the reality of the situation is that when the mask slips and you see what really 'is'.. it's an earth-shattering event that is very very difficult to get past.  During a breakup saying goodbye is part of the deal, and closure is a natural process of healing.  But what of those situations where you find yourself not recognizing who you fell in love with, that same person you have to say goodbye to?  Yeah, that's the sucky part of it, isn't it?  That person vanishes, and in his place is this other guy, one you only recognize because of the physical features.  The change, as the mask slips, is insidious, a cautious and malignant process that sneaks up on you while you're busy with the task of trying to find out wtf just happened.

I've said my goodbyes.  Many times.  The merry-go-round keeps spinning, that other face of that other person you didn't recognize anymore there on the sidelines, standing still, not speaking.  No brass ring, folks, just that nauseating sensation of your world spinning and no one at the controls to make it stop.

But it does stop, eventually.  The vertigo sucks, your wobbly legs try their best to keep you standing, and yet you're still filled with this question as to WHO you're supposed to say your farewells to.  The guy you fell in love with, or the one who took his place?

I saw a therapist and am not at all afraid to admit that fact.  Smart people WILL seek help with things they don't understand, those things that disrupt an otherwise good life.  She was great, I will admit.  So much I was able to understand because of her, so much pointed out to me that was there but unrecognizable.  I get it now, I do.  But she warned me that it would take time, work, patience and perseverance to come to terms with what I was dealing with, who I was dealing with, and the resulting damage to my spirit and being.  No blame, mind you, as I realize my blindness was my own.  But I don't blame myself either, because I was dealing with an unknown that I had no name for.

I do know what it is now, and that helps me when I feel that old bewilderment return.  When I find myself STILL wondering wth happened to me, how I ended up in THAT experience, I need only to remind myself just how bad things became, and how utterly destructive it was to me as a woman, a human, and a thinking, feeling individual.. and I'm grounded again.  Oh, but no hate there.  I don't hate and never hate.  I hate what a person does or doesn't do, not the person.  That's not who I am.

Recognizing what happened wasn't my fault was hard, and is still hard.  I was told repeatedly how it was all my fault, completely and totally my fault.  I was told that so many times that I began to believe it (Gaslighting), then accepted it as truth because, after all, I loved that person dearly and believed he loved me as well--a mistake I wish I hadn't made, frankly.  But I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker.  But this is how those things work.  It's the same in every single case, which is why it was so easy for my therapist to identify what was going on and point it out to me in the way she did.

It's an ongoing revelation for me.  In and out of confusion and the understanding that what was happening was out of my control.  What I DID have control over, which I didn't believe at the time, was my ability to make the decision to walk away from it all. Which I did. Finally.

Or did I?  Well, I live with the residual damage, so it seems. A constant reminder of what I thought was and actually wasn't, always wondering wtf happened and who the F I was with.  The mask slipped and I didn't recognize the face behind it...

Spilling over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Did you really think I could just forget?

I think I'm spreading myself too thin at times, posting on several blogs in order to compartmentalize my thoughts into a neat, tidy little group of online sources that I can visit in retrospect.  While it helps on some level, I'm left a bit exhausted at times.  Like today.  So very exhausted.

All things are transient, ever-changing...

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

M... please listen to this carefully.  And anyone who may need to hear this... Praying for anyone who's been subjected to this.

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Respond (Episode 16)

M... this is for you, the video I told you about.  I hope it helps.  And to anyone else who needs to hear this... please listen carefully, because what she says is true.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

Testing patience, and those damn zombies

Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah.  No.. patience is a skill!  I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat.  Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough.  Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health.  Enough is enough.  Right?

I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.'  What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite.  While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation.  It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent.  Some of this most people already know.  In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person.  And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.

Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure!  Funny, I know... but absolutely true.  When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps.  If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.

There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it.  And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category.  If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there.  Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust.  And by "personal social network" I mean just that.  Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.

The enablers...

These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you.  This is neither appropriate or helpful.  There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.'  People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.'  There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation.  But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do.  These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope.  They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire.  Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.

The Borg...

Think I'm kidding here? lol  I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain.  As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them.  These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse.  Sounds crazy, yes?  These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger.  And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation.  Steer clear of these types!

The zombies...

Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do.  Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so.  They feel nothing, and they're relentless.  The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one.  Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest.  Period.  Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing.  Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?

While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable.  This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all.  This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.

Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being.  Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must.  But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.

My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person.  Truth.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

To speak in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*