Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

Focus, Please.

Reaching for something to focus on when you don't feel good is probably one of the most frustrating experiences ever.  Well, that is for someone who doesn't have a support system.  With family and/or friends involved, dealing with the known and unknown of chronic illness becomes a little more bearable in that there is always a soft place to fall.  I mean, anyone who deals with autoimmune disease know that falling isn't an option, but an inevitability.  Not accepting that as a fact means being blindsided when it happens.

Nope, I'm choosing to have my eyes open.

That fleeting sense of good health isn't enough to sustain me, and those temporary little flashes of what once was don't occur often enough to sustain me.  This is my new reality, for now, and it leaves me with not much of anything to focus on, anything to sustain me, anything at all to give me that emotional fuel to keep moving forward as quality of life diminish.  Oh, it's not as depressing as it sounds, because I've only just begun treatment and have yet to see where it takes me.

Escape is the only thing I have at the moment.  My methods are at least reasonable, providing me with enough distraction to carry me through the day.

Coffee, which infuses something akin to 'energy' and 'wakefulness' to start my day.
Music, the vessel in which I use to retreat when the weakness is too much.
Reading (Kindle), when I need to turn my mind completely off to what's at hand.
Sleep, which now gives me little respite.

Lack of focus brings the need for escape.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  My every waking day is filled with one real focus in mind, and that's eating right, getting a handle on the Prednisone hunger and other sides, and remembering that I have to get back to me again, to SOME semblance of health.  What I need is what comes with true focus, and that is the driving force that takes us along that path to our ultimate goal.  Without that energy and vitality focus fades and the lines between what I want and what I'm going to get begin to blur.  And trust me, it's not good when this happens.

A few mantras run through my mind every single day, and the dialogue rarely changes.  At times I give in to those random thoughts that this is it, this is the REAL 'New normal' and I can't fix any of it. There are times when I want to give up COMPLETELY and just let whatever happens happen.  There are times when pushing myself so hard to do simple tasks just drains me, and the world shrinks away from this very small space in the world of which I've unwillingly taken up residence.  In those hours, and they are hours, the despair is real, the weakness is real, the waning health is real, the isolation is real, and the realization that I'm NOT in control is very, very real.

And then suddenly denial sidles up, elbows me and says... "Are you sure?"

The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm caught perpetually in that swinging pendulum that smashes against acceptance and denial.  And honestly, I latch onto denial more often than not, and I'm pretty damn sure that's not the smart thing to do.

Confusion in all of this sucks.  It just sucks.

More research.  Continue treatment.  Say the enemy's name and say the words out loud if necessary....

The Invisibility of Being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Cross-Post Rant Ahead! "I'm DONE"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

Not Today

I guess after spending the morning trying to write in all of my blogs I'm left with very little.  Hell, I started with very little.  Even so, I'm trying.  I have to be able to look back and SEE where I was so I can assess where I am.  This is all for a reason, all of this talking and contemplating, all the raging and wondering and wishing and... well, it's all for a reason.  Still, I would like to just stare down the crap I'm dealing with and say... "NOT today!"  Yeah.  If only.

My mind is trying very hard to still be 'me,' which means there's SOMETHING still here I recognize a little bit.  If only for a moment I can feel that spark, dulled by illness it may be, struggling to ignite something within the deepest recesses and protected by a very stubborn spirit.  I refuse to let go and give in.

My body, however, has other ideas entirely, and it sends the warning signals with any attempt at doing anything remotely 'normal.'  Don't move, don't clean, don't walk that much, don't pick that up off the floor, don't... just don't.  *sigh*  Enough already!... is what I really want to say.

I have to listen, though, because when I don't I pay big time.  It's hard to accept this state of bad health I'm in, though I do know and accept that it's nothing I did, nothing I didn't do that caused this to happen.  Autoimmune diseases are no one's fault.

I'm so incredibly tired...

Okay, body... YOU win today.

Family--Beating My Head Against the Wall

To say I come from a dysfunctional family is putting it mildly.  Further back than my own memory reaches my siblings have hated me.  No, really, I'm not making this up or being dramatic.  I don't talk about this much because it brings a lot of sadness and discomfort, anger and resentment rushing to the surface.  It's a long story, really, and one with gaps and holes and far-reaching voids where many memories have vanished.  It would be oh so much easier had I been adopted, because I know virtually nothing about my family tree, for all the asking I've done over the years, and my parents are both deceased with my having absolutely NO idea where I came from, who my ancestors are, or what my connection is to any of them, if at all.

I was a "Mistake," according to my mother.  Now, my relationship and experience with my mom is a story in and of itself, and honestly... I could write a novel here about that.  But I'm not going to.  Let's just say my mom was disconnected by the time I was born, old enough to be my grandmother, and about as unplugged as a parent could get.  It was easier to micromanage and control everything to a damaging degree, rather than create experiences that may have given me a chance and coming out on the other side with less 'issues.'  Yes, of course I have issues, and in a way it was my mom's only legacy.

How is it that I could know little of nothing, if anything, about anyone in my family tree?  Well, that's easy--when you don't answer questions, share nothing, and ensure that not a single photo, letter, information, etc. gets passed down to you... well, you can't ask a dead person questions.  Point blank, not pretty, but absolute truth just the same.

Everything from health/medical information was shared primarily with ONE of the 6 children, and I wasn't the one who got the information.  My eldest sister was my mother's confidant, her go-to gal, and there was an almost too-close relationship between my mom and my oldest sister (old enough to be my mom).  I spent my entire life on the outside, looking in, and it was that way until my mom passed away (over 20 years ago now).

One sister and I shared a dad, and my other siblings share a father form my mom's 1st and only marriage.  Yep, my other sister and I were illegitimate.  I could really care less about that, to tell you the truth.  My dad was out of the picture when I was 18 months old, and my mother really never spoke of him or his family except for some really scary things, very dark and scary things.  Now, it shouldn't surprise anyone that if you scare a kid like that, they're most likely not ever going to ask too many questions.  This was the case with me.

The siblings who had a different dad hate me.  Just the truth.  I was even told that one reason they despised me was that, because we were very poor, they often didn't get as much milk (the example used by one brother and sister) because when it came down to the wire... "The baby" (me) needed it more than they did.  I can't speak for what happened when I was a baby.  I can't apologize for something that I didn't do on purpose.  Yet that resentment carried right into adulthood for my 3 brothers and one sister.  BTW, I don't really think of them as brothers and sisters because they've not treated me as such throughout my life.  What memories I have of life with them.. isn't good.

I was born very late, with my mom being in her early 40's when she had me.  All my siblings (but for one) was grown and gone and with kids of their own, so I pretty much grew up like an only child from about age 10.. when one of my sisters married and moved out (she was 16).  We lived in a 3 bedroom house that was eventually condemned, and my mother (a hoarder) used all 3 bedrooms as her hoarding rooms.  My sister, the one I share a dad with, had her own room, lots of 'stuff,' decorated walls, record player, records, clothes, and a bike.  I didn't have enough toys to even have a toy box, so even in this respect I would find myself living an entirely different life than my sister... and everyone else, actually.

My mom was absent, indifferent, cold most of the time...and even cruel.  Skipping over more details than will fit here, I will say that my childhood was very, very odd, and the damage done has proven to be long-lasting.  Still, I spent my life longing for a family, a REAL family.  Now, coming from a family with 3 brothers and 2 sisters you would think that a strange thing for me to say.  Aunts, uncles, cousins... really had nothing to do with me, but for one cousin who, I guess, simply took pity on me.  I felt the hostility from them all growing up and didn't understand any of it at all.  I felt it, saw it, heard it, and experienced that hostility until we moved away from California.  We moved to Colorado because my oldest brother wanted my mom to move there so she could babysit while he and my SIL could work.  I was in 8th grade when we moved, and my life didn't get better at all.

Longing for a real family... even to this day....

I would eventually move away from the state of Colorado.  My kids and I, to make a long story short as possible, ended up here in the south along the Gulf Coast, where we settled into that strange place (strange to us because we weren't from there) and would end up calling the south "Home."  It's the only place that ever felt like home to me.  I'm still in the south, but a little further north by a few short hours.  But back to "Family"....

When my mom passed, naturally my eldest sister got everything.  Very important items my mom was holding for me until I could send for them were divided amongst my brothers and sisters and nephews... or just tossed out as garbage.  They did this QUICKLY after my mother died, the day they found out, using the excuse that they were sure that since she was on disability, got a veteran's widow pension, and on Medicare, etc... that the 'government' was going to come in and take her stuff.  Yes, LUDICROUS, but that's the excuse they used.  And when I arrived for her funeral I wasn't even allowed to so much as have a photo of hers.  My eldest sister 'allowed' me to take ONE photo to have it photocopied.  My mom had boxes and boxes of photos, btw.

Few actually had anything to say to me at the funeral, or after.  It was the same shit, different day.. only worse.  A few years later I'd tried once again to make some kind of connection with them, but it ended in a total disaster.  I finally came to my senses and realized that I was the only one putting in any effort and that it just simply wasn't worth it.  I basically told my oldest brother and his bitchy wife to piss off.  And yes, it felt great and was LONG overdue.

In the present....

I know pretty much nothing of my family history, my family tree.  My last living grandparent died when I was 2 weeks old, and everyone else was so much older than me that no one really had anything to do with me.  My mom wasn't really forthcoming with names, histories, etc., though she did incorporate some names and such in a few fun stories she would tell from time to time.  But as a little child I really had no idea if she were making the stuff up/telling fairytales, or if the information was actually true.  And after my mom's death... the information about grandparents and such were simply not given to me, even if I asked.  Photos, etc.... all given to my sister, who claimed some neighbor stole them, were lost.  My brothers, etc. chose badly when they decided to give my sister everything.  One person said they thought my sister pawned or sold the framed antique photos of grandparents etc for money.  Sadly, it sounds exactly like something she would do.

The cruelty extends into adulthood....

When one of my brothers passed away a few years ago I was told about this AFTER the funeral had taken place, and... I was told on Facebook by a distant cousin.  She apparently looked for me on Facebook with ONE purpose in mind, and that was to send me a message that read.. "B**** passed away last week.  Thought you'd like to know."  I asked "How/why?" which lead to her replaying in the same short, blunt fashion. She then disappeared and didn't say a word ever again.  I'd written back a couple of times.. with no response.  I'd written my nephew as well, and have been ignored.  And this nephew I grew up with and was very close to most of our lives.  He's only 2 1/2 years younger than I am.

Cruelty was their favorite weapon, and continues to be so.


The family tree...

As someone who feels completely disconnected from 'family' or blood ties, history... it only stands to reason that I would, eventually, WANT to know something about my own family history.  SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  So when I decided to look into www.ancestry.com I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.  Maybe this site could help me put the broken pieces together in such a way that I would at least see my connection within the bloodline.

What I've done...

I created an account at www.ancestry.com over a year ago, but since I wasn't really willing to invest any money into getting a full account, I've only spent the smallest bit of time there.  But that changed for me about a week ago when I saw a commercial online for Ancestry and a DNA test they offered that shows where your bloodline is from, at least in percentages.  A lot of folks have jumped on board for this.  Now, one cool thing about the DNA test and having a real account (which I don't yet) is that you can set your family tree to allow links between matches for DNA, region, etc.  It's a lot more complicated than that, and they have a video that explains it all, but it's a really neat tool and a good place to start.  But what about for someone like me?....

DNA results may be the only thing I really get out of this, and that's okay.  It's something, isn't it?  It would be nice to know for sure what ethnicities are involved in my family tree, even if I don't have any family history to see how the pieces fit.  I sent my kit off today and, from what I understand, it will take about a week for the results to get uploaded online.  Knowing it's not going to give me complete picture of my family tree... I'm still okay, and I'm fairly patient where that's concerned.

So what's my freaking point here?

My point is this: If you have information about family history (names, places, etc) please share them with your kids.  Don't leave them in the dark to spend the rest of their lives wondering who they really are (history wise), where they're from, what their history is, etc.  It's really not a good or easy thing to live with when you have no idea about those things.  Don't do that to your kids, seriously.

My desire to know more about my family history/ancestry runs deeper than the hurt from the disconnection from my actual 'family members.'  I rarely use the word 'family' when speaking about them.  They're blood relatives to me, but nothing more.

I have to wonder if I'm beating my head against the wall trying to piece together a family tree I know nothing about.  Names, birth dates, etc. are required to even do searches or make connections.  What little information I have really just stops at my mom, and my dad I have only a name and birth date.  It's really like hitting a brick wall.  But is it worth it, all of this effort?  I don't know.

I really just don't know.  The one thing I DO know is that I'm left with the question: Will I ever fully understand myself in connection to history and ancestry?

*shrugs*

The Science (and more) Behind Hazel Eyes

A very interesting read, though I've heard of this stuff before...

http://www.eyedoctorguide.com/Eye-Color/hazel-eyes-eye-color.html

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

A Little Smartassy... because I can

Ha!  Okay, so I'm just pushing myself through this day so far, doing some research as to the oddball things on my recent labs (just got the copies yesterday afternoon), and honestly just too damn tired to do anything productive.  I'm breathing!... what more do you want? ;)

It's just one of those "Screw it all!" days, the kind that makes me feel like all I really want to do is crawl back in bed and cocoon myself in my favorite blanket.  Yes, I CAN do that, but my mind wouldn't allow me to be quite that lazy.  I've not spent my life as an idle person, but when I started getting sick.. everything changed, hugely.  Now, my brain still thinks I'm energetic, but the body says.. 'Aw, HELL no you aint!"

Whatever.  I'm getting through this day best I can, and that's all I'm capable of at this very moment.  At least, for whatever reason, my arms have stopped aching.  Still very weak, hard to stand, walk, etc... but hey, I can still stand and walk, so I'm good.

One of thethings I do when I'm not feeling up to par (to put it mildly) is allow my inner 'smartass' to come out and play.  All in good fun.

And honestly, I should be adding this in my other blog "The Crap I Spew," and I mostly likely will repost in that one... because I can. lol  See?  I'm really trying very hard to step away from not feeling well, and if smartassy me can help, then by all means...!

So in all fairness, this is a coping mechanism.  The reality is that laughter DOES help, and most of us usually benefit from being a little crazy now and then.  Honestly, it doesn't matter in what form your crazy comes in, as long as it doesn't do any harm to you or anyone else.  I mean, we gotta keep it real, right?  There's crazy, and then there's "CRAZY." ;p

Another thing I like to do is post random thoughts, you know, from those 3am wake-ups that happen for no damn reason...

Random thoughts at 3am: "I wonder if I'd look good in a sombero?"

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Yeah, I'm not gonna try and explain that one.

First Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme above.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Dammit... tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

Waiting again for a return call from the liver specialist's office.  Still waiting on lab results that were taken to assess how well the prednisone is working to bring liver enzymes into the normal range, assess where I am in the path to remission, to see if and when the dosage of Azathioprine should be increased as the prednisone is decreased.  No answers today as it's his day for surgeries and procedures at the hospital.  I guess I will wait another day.

The unresolved issue with insurance not paying for a much-needed antibiotic is really wreaking havoc on my life right now.  Nothing I've been given so far has helped, because the problem requires two antibiotics in order to cure the issue.  So why on earth is it that it takes over a month of asking, requests, etc for a good insurance company to give approval?  Why do they fight this knowing that ensuing problems caused by NOT taking care of this is going to cost much more?  WHAT is their thinking?  Well, from all I've gathered, from all i've learned, this is due to Obamacare.

Lovely.

But it's just a day, just another day.  I'll deal with it, be it BEYOND uncomfortable (miserable really), and wait another day for hope, answers, anything at all that tells me someone is going to help.  One thing I won't be doing is holding my breath, that's for sure.

I'm trying my best to not allow this to completely take me down.  I'm winning that battle so far, but I don't know how much longer I can do that.  I'm really tired of waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.  You've no idea how much havoc this can wreak on one's body by ignoring it for this long.  NOT the doctor's fault... it's the insurance company.  And I have a really good insurance plan.  Imagine how it must be for those who have lower tiered plans!

Just another day waiting.

I guess I can do this one more day.

I think.

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

Getting My Attention

So, first of all, my blogs are about my life, my seeking to understand where I am and who I am in the midst of a few unpleasant truths.  Be it a past filled with abusive relationships, abuse of other kinds, living with and around controlling people, my health.. it's just me here trying to work things out in my mind, spirit, body, and my life as a whole.  Every now and then I'll indulge myself in other topics, but my goals are to REALLY work though some things that are, frankly, long overdue when it comes to 'dealing' and 'preparing' the broken, jagged pieces of who I am.

There will be times when I speak of things completely outside of myself, and when my focus is on me.. it's not because I WANT to be in that inward place so much.  Actually, where I want to be is healed enough on the inside, both physically and emotionally, that I can turn my attention further outward and away from that inner ground zero.  I'm not comfortable in this place and want a way out. THAT is why I talk about what I do and from a place that is centralized and within.  This is how I'm dealing.

And I make no apologies for how I choose to work through the matters that demand my attention.

Peace.  Joy.  Happiness.  Comfort from within.  Hope.  Freedom.  To have wings again... to live, to breathe freely, to seek more time in that outside world... I don't think my dreams or goals or wishes are that much different from others.  Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think most of us would like those things I listed to be the foundation for everything else.

The more I find my health failing, the more I reach for what was, could be, and has been.  Why not return and see a better past and hope it can be again?  Why not remember when life was, while not easy, at least more like LIVING?  It only makes sense to me to make that a focus.

I've turned away from my own needs for so long that I was lost to everything completely outside of me.  I disconnected from my own personal truth, my dreams, even my own body, and I paid a terrible price for that, a debt I'm still paying as of today.  And all because my core belief hinged around making sure others had everything they needed first, that they were happy, and by God if I had to change who I was completely to make a loved-one happy, then by God I will do it!  What the hell was I thinking?  No!  That's NOT the way it's supposed to be, and yet I wasn't ever taught to take care of me.  Life was always centered around pleasing someone else.. all of the time... beginning with my mom.  This is repeated in nearly every relationship I've had.

I was told in a past relationship that I was self-centered.  Words like that hit me pretty hard and a reaction is always immediate.  Self-doubt steps in and takes over, pushing reason and logic aside to wither.  Having spent the better part of my life as a chronic people-pleaser, because God forbid I risk anyone's ire by disappointing them, I've attempted to 'reinvent' myself to a point where I've come dangerously close to losing who I am.  I know it's the inner machine working and grinding to reconcile this new and "selfish" idea that I should, you know, maybe start taking care of myself with being that person who was always, always putting everyone and everything else first.  And yet each and every time I try to do something for myself out of self-respect, logic and reason, I get a hard flash of guilt that makes me question why I would bother [doing anything for me].

Why I listened to anyone who didn't have my best interests in mind (to say the very least) is beyond me still.  If I ever finished the therapy I began at the end of the last relationship I probably wouldn't be wrestling with this right now.  I will say I learned much in the few short months I did see a therapist, one I was seeing because I DID recognize the damage that was done to me in the last relationship.  Beverly taught me a lot, and not just about myself but about the other person involved.  And I cried the day she told me, point blank, that I'd spent far too much time in my life focusing on the happiness and needs of others, and that it was time to accept that I needed TLC as well, especially from myself.  I had this sense of surrealism, and it was very strange to hear someone say those words to me in the way she did.

And yet I thought.... 'What's the catch'?

That's the real issue.  I don't trust easily now.  And I used to be a subscriber to complete and total blind trust.

No more.  I can have a healthy amount of trust without all the blindness, but it will take time.

And the guilt, the constant guilt whenever I speak about my problems here, whenever I do something positive or uplifting to my spirit, my soul, whenever I open up and speak from the heart about what's going on with me, my life.. that guilt cripples me, and the ugly voice of the past speaks up and tells me I'm selfish for doing anything at all to make my own life better.

...... more later.....

Post-Political Rant

Whew.  Yeah, so I spent a bit of time on my other blogs with the last being a raging political rant.  It happens, especially right now in the heat of the debates and such.  This is a really critical time for us here in the USA.  Not that any other election in history wasn't important, it's just that the person coming into office this time around has to clean up Obama's mess, and what a freaking mess it is too.

While I'm not going to focus on politics here (did enough of that in the other blogs), I will say that I don't believe too many Americans actually GET just how much everything BHO is doing NOW, and what he will continue doing over the course of his time left as POTUS.. is going to directly affect each and every person, and it's NOT going to be good.

Stepping away from politics...

Right now I'm simply assessing things, as I do each and every day, weighing and comparing and contrasting everything that's going on in my life and how I can affect change without tipping the scales too far to one side.  This is a daily thing for me, as you guys may have already guessed. ;)  Overall, it's a good thing that I continue to persevere on all fronts, but I need to redirect my focus onto something solid and substantial with regards to what action I need to take right this very day.  What can I do TODAY to better my life and put me on a path that's more 'me' in nature?  Burning question of the day, my friends.

What I'm doing....

Reading.  Watching videos.  Learning from others who deal with AIH, weird relationships, and damage from past relationships, etc.  Acquiring insight on how others cope.  It's a good start, isn't it?  I believe so.

Pushing myself towards my art again, though I'm not convinced this is an effective message.  I don't believe any art reveals itself under forceful circumstances, but I do believe surrounding myself with the tools necessary to pick up and carry on will definitely help.  So this is what I've taken on over the past couple of weeks, getting a few supplies together to restart my OOAK dolls again.  I'm also making custom sock monkeys to augment and expand this artistic need I have, looking forward to the photography of the Little Weirdos in the making...

Well.  Dammit.  Here comes that wretched nausea again....

Seriously?  Ugh.  Ok.  Guess I'll end this entry here and hope for the best.  Time to sit back, relax, and scour youtube for more enlightenment...

Til next time....

No Thoughts

What am I to make of this?  I know I'm really feeling sick today, very very sick.  Nausea has taken over out of the blue and I'm not exactly sure why.  It's not the Prednisone, because I take that with a meal, and it's not the Imuran, because I also make very sure I take that with a meal AND take it at night.  So what's the deal with my being this damn sick all of a sudden?

Okay, so it can't be the AIH, because I'm on treatment for that.  This is another problem rearing its ugly head, I can tell.  Alarms are sounding inside telling me that something isn't right with this.  The horrendous lower back pain that began a week or so ago is getting worse, MUCH worse, and I can't seem to get a handle on it at all.  This was an issue when I was anemic, so maybe that's returned due to the bleeding GI tract.  Yeah, so that was gross to mention.

But my mind is tired today as well.  I can't think straight, and it makes me exhausted trying to think at all.  Yet, here I am typing away in my blogs.  I guess I'm just making a valiant attempt at normalcy.... whatever the hell that is.

... ugh.

For those who've left comments... THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...

The Crap I Spew

Well, I told you guys I was going to do this, and I know some of you, if not most of you, usually end up having a preference as to which blog(s) of mine to read.  At least that's what some of you have told me.  The new blog, however, is just an outlet for crazy, stupid, nutty, fun, wacky-whatevers I need or want to share.  Yes, sometimes it's 'need.' ;)

Crap that enters my mind, sometimes unbidden.
Crap I think up that ends up epically cool, or total crap.
Crap I have an opinion about.
Crap I just want to share with you guys for no reason.
Crap I've seen.
Crap I've heard.
Crap I'm confused by.
Crap I'm angered by.
Crap
Crap
Crap
Crap
...and even more Crap.

It's in its fledgling stage, so hang in there as the growing pains begin.

URL:

http://thecrapispew.blogspot.com

Have fun!  Oh, and remember... all PC is out the window there, and don't be surprised if you have multiple WTF moments... eventually, it's gonna happen. ;p

Drowning in coffee doesn't help

Two doctors appointments today, woken at 5am for no reason, sleep at the top of my priority list, yet sleep is out of reach for today.  When the night comes, it's my respite in time, though not in sleeping or dreaming.

Belonging to myself is the best thing I can do for myself.  I'm focusing on what I must in order to heal and survive amid the grasp of this ill-timed machine some call life.  God, but I am as tired as it gets today.

If only I couldn't gotten just a little more sleep this morning.  I'm tired of that phrase rolling about my head on far too many days.  I'm not even going to go into the plethora of ways T has found to make sure I wake, and wake, and wake beginning in the wee hours of every morning.  Why?  I've no answer to that, but I have spoken to him at great length about suggestions so I'm not repeatedly awakened by those things that really don't have to be as noisy as he makes them.

OMG, but I seriously need a good night's sleep.  On occasion I'm blessed with blessed, beautiful, and much-needed sleep.  But most of the time there simply isn't enough quiet and still to last throughout the night for me to get adequate rest.

I long for languid days, just a few of them.  If I can have days that promote stillness, peace, inner-sanctum, then I will rest easy on those nights.  It's not a difficult concept.  Is it?  I mean, is that really so lost on people that no one gets that when they disturb someone's sleep repeatedly it WILL take a tremendous toll on them eventually, that it's a matter of IF and not WHEN?  Really?

I will feel better when I'm finally able to lay my head down and feel the peace wash over me...

How tempting a vacation is from my life; how necessary; how perfect; how utterly insane it is NOT to pay attention to that one important and vital necessity to survival.

I'm running out of steam even as I write this.  And today is not the day to run out of steam.  Today I have to search and research and compare high-end exercise bikes for the home.  It's that time.  And dammit, how am I to exercise when I can't even sleep????

Shhhhh...

That inner voice needs to shut the hell up and think peaceful thoughts.

Sleep.
Exercise.
Healthy eating.
Healthy spiritual self.

God, please help me get some sleep today...

No blast from the past, thank you

Yet, because I've saved far too much on my phone and in emails, I'm often smacked in the face by past reality.  It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing, really, because as they say.. those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.  And some of us repeat it because we simply haven't learned our lessons.

Either way.

Funny, though, how much of the saved crap is unpleasant crap.  But I do know why I did that.  During a time when I needed that reality check it kept me strong in my decisions and resolve with what needed to be done for my health, my happiness, and my life overall.  It serves its purpose even now.

Having no one to say 'goodbye' to...

And you guys know I've spoken about this before, but the reality of the situation is that when the mask slips and you see what really 'is'.. it's an earth-shattering event that is very very difficult to get past.  During a breakup saying goodbye is part of the deal, and closure is a natural process of healing.  But what of those situations where you find yourself not recognizing who you fell in love with, that same person you have to say goodbye to?  Yeah, that's the sucky part of it, isn't it?  That person vanishes, and in his place is this other guy, one you only recognize because of the physical features.  The change, as the mask slips, is insidious, a cautious and malignant process that sneaks up on you while you're busy with the task of trying to find out wtf just happened.

I've said my goodbyes.  Many times.  The merry-go-round keeps spinning, that other face of that other person you didn't recognize anymore there on the sidelines, standing still, not speaking.  No brass ring, folks, just that nauseating sensation of your world spinning and no one at the controls to make it stop.

But it does stop, eventually.  The vertigo sucks, your wobbly legs try their best to keep you standing, and yet you're still filled with this question as to WHO you're supposed to say your farewells to.  The guy you fell in love with, or the one who took his place?

I saw a therapist and am not at all afraid to admit that fact.  Smart people WILL seek help with things they don't understand, those things that disrupt an otherwise good life.  She was great, I will admit.  So much I was able to understand because of her, so much pointed out to me that was there but unrecognizable.  I get it now, I do.  But she warned me that it would take time, work, patience and perseverance to come to terms with what I was dealing with, who I was dealing with, and the resulting damage to my spirit and being.  No blame, mind you, as I realize my blindness was my own.  But I don't blame myself either, because I was dealing with an unknown that I had no name for.

I do know what it is now, and that helps me when I feel that old bewilderment return.  When I find myself STILL wondering wth happened to me, how I ended up in THAT experience, I need only to remind myself just how bad things became, and how utterly destructive it was to me as a woman, a human, and a thinking, feeling individual.. and I'm grounded again.  Oh, but no hate there.  I don't hate and never hate.  I hate what a person does or doesn't do, not the person.  That's not who I am.

Recognizing what happened wasn't my fault was hard, and is still hard.  I was told repeatedly how it was all my fault, completely and totally my fault.  I was told that so many times that I began to believe it (Gaslighting), then accepted it as truth because, after all, I loved that person dearly and believed he loved me as well--a mistake I wish I hadn't made, frankly.  But I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker.  But this is how those things work.  It's the same in every single case, which is why it was so easy for my therapist to identify what was going on and point it out to me in the way she did.

It's an ongoing revelation for me.  In and out of confusion and the understanding that what was happening was out of my control.  What I DID have control over, which I didn't believe at the time, was my ability to make the decision to walk away from it all. Which I did. Finally.

Or did I?  Well, I live with the residual damage, so it seems. A constant reminder of what I thought was and actually wasn't, always wondering wtf happened and who the F I was with.  The mask slipped and I didn't recognize the face behind it...

Here We Go

By now you guys probably understand that I'm existing in that Prednisone fog.  It's intense, and it's not exactly a good time being on this stuff... and it's exceptionally awful coming off.  Once again, just a brief reminder that I will most likely reference this fact often, because it's overwhelmingly JUST THERE as a backdrop to everything I do or attempt to do.  But having said that, I'm dealing with one day at a time, and most days.. one hour at a time, and having sliced the 24 hours in unequal parts means things are truly at a level of chaos unlike anything I've ever known.

Nausea now.  Here it is in all it's glory, the beginning of Cushing's Syndrome-like effects, mostly unavoidable even when tapering slowly.  Bear with me, because if I have anything to say it's going to be filtered through this experience.  I can't promise it will be pleasant, but I can promise it will be truthful, real, and about as raw as you'll ever see me.

So, not to underestimate the power of steroid withdrawal, I simply face my thoughts and feelings on a case by case basis and hope for the best.  Is it moodiness that makes me think this or that, is it reality squared?  Do I ignore my feelings and tell myself "It's the prednisone"?  Nah.  Really, what mostly happens on this stuff is that the filters break down and allow everything to rise to the surface, unfettered by social graces. haha.  Of course I have some control over it and can maintain some semblance of balance in my perceptions, etc.  But I'm also finding it refreshing in a way to actually SEE and FEEL things on a very real level, even if it's unpleasant at times.

It's really weird, but I find myself facing things head-on that I would usually shrink away from in order to avoid any unpleasantness.  In fact, last night I had someone who I've known for many years say something completely out-of-line and hateful on social media, snarky... bitchy... just really blatantly rude.  A pre-prednisone me would've gotten her feelings hurt and simply left the conversation to die and wither on its own.  I would've walked away, licked my wounds and distracted myself with other matters until the hurt feelings passed.  Oh, but not last night...

Last night another, bolder me rose to the surface and in just a few words let that person know she was being mean, ugly, and asked her WHY.  Not for MY sake, mind you, but so she had to face her own ugliness.  Keeping it simple and VERY blunt I got my point across and actually had someone come to my defense, the very person who began the thread in the first place.  A thread, mind you, that had nothing to do with what that ugly person was talking about.  She basically just took a shot at me for no reason.  It's okay, though, because my give-a-shutter is a bit broken right now and I'm able to speak my mind without regret.  No, I'm not being mean or ugly.  I simply spoke the truth in question form and let HER emotional machine deal with it all.  Not my circus, not my monkeys... as they say.

I'm a little done with being a pushover, too-soft, and too much of an introvert that people walk all over me.  Maybe this is my chance to grow a stronger backbone so I can continue to rise above any BS that comes my way.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  I will still be me, just a little tougher than before.

Worth a shot anyway.   I'm nobody's tool.

Limbo

For anyone curious, I'm back to mostly splitting my posts between the blogs, sorted by relevance.  I like being able to look back and remember where I was in what capacity, without looking through an endless potpourri of thoughts and events.

I've spent the morning drinking coffee and spilling my guts upon these 'pages,' wondering why the hell this medication (prednisone) MUST make me feel so damn off, a little depressed, swinging from motivated to just too damn painful to walk.  Hell, I don't have any answers, so I just let my feelings crash upon the pages until I can at least figure out what the hell to do.

The house is quiet.  My choice.  Just quiet today.  No music pouring from the Bose... just the sound of a small, ticking clock nearby... and typing.  Coffee as fuel, and the inner turmoil of prednisone hell.  Yeah, yeah.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it really is rather overwhelming at this time, especially since I've dropped down another 5mg.  What will the effects be this time, I wonder?

Next week I see the pulmonologist.  Last appointment I had revealed mild COPD and many lung changes since the first CT.  In 3 months time things got a bit worse for my lungs, but that was BEFORE the prednisone!  I wonder at this time if the prednisone will actually help my lungs and keep the nodules and focal thickening from becoming worse?  Seems my breathing is better, and with less wheezing than before.  Could be, could very well be the anti-inflammatory effects of this very powerful corticosteroid.  We will see.  Not sure if the Dr. will order another CT to check things.  But we will see.

I see the hepatologist again on the 25th.  He may order labs to check my liver enzymes, etc.  I'm not sure what will happen medication-wise.  I hate the prednisone side effects, but I hate the idea of a flare-up even worse.  Ugh.  We'll see what he decides.

Dammit.  I feel like I'm in limbo.  Could very well be that my cortisol levels are low and making me feel low as well.

*sigh*

I have so much to say, really.... and I'm just not saying it.  Maybe a bit later when I can realistically deal with what I'm feeling.  Maybe after I get a few things done around the house... Need to make the main office room ready for an exercise bike---a huge expense, but a necessary expense IMHO.  There's already a new tv and blu-ray player for the room, and now all that needs done is to shuffle things about to make a space for something that's going to help me immensely.

... yeah... there's that.

Posting and blog alter egos. A reminder....

I'm posting folks, for those who've reached out.  And the posts are being recorded in the different blogs according to the content, mostly.

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

The above is just one location where I post.  Content usually changes from blog to blog as I've separated the focus as much as possible.

Complete list below, as well as the menu bar on the side...

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

I see what you did there, Obama, and I'm not okay with it.

I warn people there's a RANT ahead.  Consider yourself warned, my friends.

No matter where you live in the world, I'm betting you know we're not in full-swing election mode... and the butthurt is strong.  Hey.. it's politics; can't really come out of the other side unscathed, so you have to put your big-girl (or big-boy) panties on and grow thicker skin.  Nature of the beast, my friends.  Nature of the beast.

We choose a side and sometimes change that stance as more information comes to light, GIVEN that the information isn't a steaming pile of political dung.  Media, oh yeah, they're somewhat the great shovelers of said dung, and given THAT... a smart individual will take everything with a grain of salt and seek out the most COMPLETE version of the story.

I support Donald Trump.  I won't apologize or explain my choice, because at this point there's no need.  The man's entire life has been in the public eye nearly ALL of his life from young adulthood and up.  Nothing new to see, nothing new to find, except that it wasn't popular to hate Donald Trump UNTIL he scared the crap out of the establishment and decided to run for the presidency.  Wow, right?  Hate-born of nothing more than a choice to run for office; a by-product of left-wing lunacy.

But my point here isn't to talk about the why I made my choice and am sticking with it 100%.  The point of this entry is to express my complete and utter bewilderment at the hate that spews from people, liberals, who are scared shitless that their free handouts might actually not be free for long, or that they'll somehow be required to do something utterly insane---like WORK for a living.

So the hate spews forth, and instead of focusing on supporting who they WANT to win the nomination for their side, they choose instead to bash the most likely opponent.  Um.  Really?  How does that help exactly?  It doesn't.  In fact, many liberals/democrats have switched sides because they no longer want to be affiliated with what, for every measure, is a chaotically organized hate group.  Sorry, but not sorry.  It's the truth.

What's even worse are is the BS from people who don't even live in this country, are not US citizens, and who have absolutely NO SAY in who we elect.  No offense to anyone who's a non-US citizen who reads this, but we know what's best for our country.  You can't bully or shame us into doing what you want.  It doesn't work that way and never will.

The current administration is a travesty, a fraudulent front of epic proportions.  Obama has all but destroyed our country and has taken GREAT pride in pushing his agenda of diversity.  Every month, sometimes every week, there's yet another BS move planned on his part to do whatever he wants to do without restraint, without listening to what the people want, without batting an eye at the long-term consequences of his wielding of power that he has virtually stolen.  He doesn't have the power he's using---he's TAKING it.

All the establishment talking-heads, all of them flailing about as the money rolls in from super pacs, all of them turning from real boy to pinoccio as the puppeteers pull and tug on the strings, while they dance and flail below the maniacal smile of ownership.  They are owned.  They accept the millions given to them and they're bought and paid for.  It's how it works.  They're loyalties are tied snuggly to those who handed them the goods, and the greed is the cement in which they step, willingly.

Donald Trump can't be bought.  He's self-funded, and he doesn't take any shit from anyone.  Few who hate him know anything about him.  Based on nothing but what they may have read on FB memes, or maybe cut, clipped and distorted comments, they don't bother to read his books, listen to the rally's he's given (can stream them or view them afterwards on youtube).  Based on BS they allow the lies to infest their already hate-filled minds and hearts and... they become blinded, enraged, and out of control.  All sense of order, logical and healthy thought-processes...GONE.  Just like that.

They've drank the blue kool aid willingly.

Most importantly, the hate is rampant in this country.  I don't mean just towards candidates or sides, but people have turned their hate on one another.  Division--brought about my Barrack Obama and his sociopathic ideals, tendencies, and needs.  Even as this country falls into disarray the libs continue their propaganda of hate, intolerance, and even self-loathing.  They can't seem to help themselves.  They just can't seem to stop.

This is the democratic machine in perfect working condition.

People refer to this as a sickness, illness, even lunacy.  Maybe they're right.  And I'm not saying everyone on the right is sane, mind you.  You'll find lunatics in just about every corner and facet of society.  Humans.. what can I say?

So what about this lunacy?  Well, it's barely controlled rage, really, hatred dug in so deep that they're literally blinded by it and fail to see anything even remotely reasonable.  Such as supporting a candidate who's lied her entire career, repeatedly, tried to cover up the truth by destroying evidence (and got caught), and was responsible for the deaths of soldiers (Benghazi).. for starters.  This candidate, Hillary Clinton, IS the so-called "war on women," as she defended her husband, Bill Clinton, when he was accused of raping women, etc.  So much for her fight agains the 'war on women.'

Their other main choice of the libs is Bernie Sanders--and they're supporting him while attempting to call Donald Trump a "Fascist."  Um, well, first of all... I'm embarrassed for them, for starters, because they've NO idea what fascism is.  I can only shake my head at this.  Bernie the socialist, the guy who they like because he promises them money for nothing, promises to give, give, give and claims it will all be.... free.  Free?  There's no such thing as FREE anything!  Someone pays for it, and it's the working class citizens who do.

Free stuff:  Now for the record, let me make one thing perfectly CLEAR: Conservatives have no problem with giving social aid to people who actually NEED it.  I'm not EVEN going to go into the millions of people who literally ride out their entire lives, able to work, but choosing not to in order to get free money, food stamps (EBT), and free medical.  All the while those who are struggling to make ends meet continue to work to pay for those who refuse to work.  NOT okay.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Donald Trump has spent his entire life giving opportunity to people, including women... who hold most of the highest paid positions in his companies.  His goal is jobs, income, returning the jobs back to the American work force so people can reach for the 'American Dream,' which Obama has spent his time in office trying to completely destroy.

Most of us are pissed off, fed up, and are speaking out.  Many of us have had a change of heart because our eyes were finally opened.  I'm one of those people!  I was raised in a Republican household, but I chose the democrat side early on.  I even voted for Obama THE FIRST TIME because I was utterly stupid.  I can admit how easily I fell for his pack of lies, false promises, and his ability to schmooze people.  I had that glass of kool aid right up to my mouth, too.  Difference between me and most liberals is that I FREAKING WISED UP!  I pay attention, and I'm good at it.  But I was brainwashed into the whole liberal agenda when I was younger and voting age, and it came about mostly because I have a soft heart and hate to see people suffering and in need.  I grew up very very poor, so I understood the struggle and hated it with all I was.  What I failed to understand is that there was another way of thinking, one that put ME in charge and not the government.  Better late than never, here I am in a complete turn around.  I can thank Obama for that one!

I also admit that prior to Obama running I'd become completely disillusioned by politics, politicians, and even the voting process.  I believed that my vote didn't count for anything, and that not a single politician had my best interest at heart.  I didn't see or hear anyone speaking to or for ME.  I didn't vote, and I told people this: "I'm afraid that who I vote for will win."  Says it all, doesn't it?  I didn't trust anymore.

When Obama schmoozed the public with saying and doing ALL the right things, acting in a fashion that people called "Presidential," I began to wake up and pay attention again.  When he spoke of 'change' I erroneously believed him.  He was very well practiced, had superb speech-writers, and I chose to believe that those had to be his own personal words and that he meant them.  I woke up, but I didn't know it was to be in a nightmare that would span 8.. very long years.

The bewilderment set in when the promise of health care looked like a real possibility.  I was sick, very sick, and I eventually was unable to work.  Long story short, "Obamacare" did NOTHING to help me at all.  Ending up in a hospital twice meant my credit cards were maxed to the limit to cover the bills.  Out of work with no savings I struggled to pay them off and, a few years later, I'm almost there.  My health insurance actually came about due to a marriage.  yeah.. Obamacare helps no one really.  I was broke and unemployed, sick and had dangerous heart problems no one could or would help me with.  Obamacare for most people.. is a complete failure.

But we have bigger problems than the Obamacare disaster.

Obama, in his last couple of years in office, has set his sites on dividing and destroying this country, and he's incited the weak-minded people to take up this fight FOR HIM.  He doesn't need to do anything but light the fire under the already smoldering ground...

And he did.  And he continues to do so.

In the background, around the rest of the world, people are clueless as to what's really happening here.  But I know.  We all know.  Those of us in our right minds anyway...

In a full turn-around from a little over two years ago.. I switched parties to Republican/Conservative. I won't be going back.  The poison is now out of my system and I see things for what they really are. Funny thing, too.. a lot of other liberals have switched.  We can at least thank Obama for being stupid enough to open our eyes.

Yes, I know this is a long entry, and for those of you who stuck with it and read... thank you!  It had to be said.  I had to get this off my chest.  I'm tired of the same ole same ole, as many of us are.  We're done with politicians, done with the insane hate from the left, done with the rest of the world bashing us because they think they know what's happening here.

If you do live in another country, beware of the media lies, the deceit, because we DO NOT have unbiased media here in the USA.  It's always been slanted, but over the past couple of years, and especially with this run for presidential nominees... the media has literally been turned into chaotic works of FICTION.

Please, before you decide to hate Americans, or to hate Donald Trump, KNOW that you CANNOT trust the media 99% of the time.  Remember Trump has been in the media eye, the public eye, for nearly ALL of his life, and that it's only been since he decided to run for president that he's become popular to hate... with the left-wingers.

It's a good rule of thumb--- "Hate what you KNOW, NOT what you THINK you know!"

If you've made it to the bottom of this... thank you...