Audio Blogs Continued....

NOTE:  This was done a couple of days before uploading.  From now on I'll try to remember to put dates on them for perspective.

Unbelievable how long healing takes with shoulder surgery.  Worse than that is trying to heal in an environment not exactly conducive to healing.  NOT my idea of actual 'living.'  Anyway, audio blogs continue until I can type without severe pain....

Pushing for Better.

I'm pushing harder now for healing and recovery from my shoulder surgery, so that means more intense physical therapy.  What that ends up meaning is more aching and less ability to type... for a time. In the long run this will lead to faster results.  So, sorry to say I have to do another video entry.....

Thanks for visiting & listening.

I can hear it in my dreams.

What was.  What should be.  What was lost.  What is.  An unsettling representation of what I'd rather not think about, a rejected idea of what life is supposed to be.

I sometimes see images online, hear stories from people, stories that pique my curiosity in that I see and hear I can't connect with in any real way.  "So this is life?" is the outcome, the question that remains unanswered but accepted just the same.  My reality, my life doesn't in any way reflect what I see out there in the world.  This kind of thinking only leads to a pointless series of "What if?" scenarios that didn't, nor will ever, ever happen in what remains of my lifetime.  Such a useless response, isn't it?  I definitely think so.

I've gotten to where I really hate dreaming.  I hate waking up from them even more, to be honest.  Again, I find them completely useless.

Damn.  When will the clouds lift?

So Incredibly Weak.

It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Tapering off Prednisone is kicking my ass.  I'm so weak, cold, tired, dealing with nausea.  I'm about to go lay down for a bit, cover with a snuggly blanket and try my best to warm up and feel better; I really don't like that this has become my current 'Norm.'  When, oh when, will this start to improve?  When will I be able to re-join the land of the living again?

No answer...

I just can't sit here anymore...

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

A Beautiful Mess

I often think; here is this unrecognizable person in a completely unrecognizable life.  What do I do about finding my place.  Dear God, but this is a common topic, isn't it?  There's a reason for that, and that reason is quite simple; I've yet to know the answer.

Monday-Friday are the easiest days of the week, the best days really.  I'm alone, but that gives me a moment to take a deep breath and try to navigate on this crumpled map whose lines and defining points have faded or become too abused to be read anymore.  If I'm to find my way it will require intuiting and an enormous amount of courage.  Without a sense of direction there's no telling where I'll end up when I reach the unknowable destination.  I guess I'm okay with that, though.

One thing I can say is that I can clearly see my destination.  Well, okay.. most of it.  But I see enough to know where I should be.  And isn't that really what we need to know?  Isn't that the most important information of all?  I certainly think so.

So many plans; so many thoughts and dreams colliding all at once.  It's a beautiful mess.

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep work a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

Does knowing help?

So I've really unloaded on one of my alter ego blogs, if you guys are interested in reading.  It's on Where Fireflies Dream.  All the info regarding my appt with the specialist yesterday, findings, etc., etc., and even a bit of an unloading of things on a personal side of things.  I'm not sure what I'll have left for ATE, but I will try.  Forgive me if it all comes out more as musings than actual accounts of what transpired yesterday--all of that has been purged to the other blog.

I feel a bit like I'm standing on a cliff over a wide expanse of beach and ocean.  No.  Not really.  That's simply my desire.  Where I actually am is in a vast and vacant desert of which no life can sustain.  It's temporary and will last about as long as it takes to process the information I received from the doctor yesterday.  Though, being scared at the moment is hard to shake, I'll admit fully.  I mean, how can you just receive news like that and not be affected?  I'm shaken, and that will likely pass in time.

I'm waiting at the moment for yet more blood work results that will, or will not, or suggest, etc. if one of the major things I'm dealing with is Myositis/Polymyositis.  I'm praying that will NOT be the case, that my Aldolase is significantly elevated for another reason, that the unbelievable muscle weakness I have is due to something else entirely, that all these awful symptoms will be explained away easily and be the effects of something else entirely.  Hell, at least if it's autoimmune hepatitis it can be managed, and worse case scenario... a transplant is needed if it's gone on too long and did too much damage.  Hell, at this point there's nothing in my blood work to show there's liver 'damage,' just the implication that the liver is in terrible distress for some reason.  But Myositis/Polymyositis... a much more bleak scenario.  Then there's the great possibility of an ulcer...

I have an endoscopy and another colonoscopy scheduled in 4 weeks, and a liver biopsy may be needed (yet to be determined).

This is what I have to work through, and do so alone.  No siblings or relatives I can talk to, get encouragement from, no one to make happy memories with really (that's explained more fully on Where Fireflies Dream.. alter ego blog links are in the side menu).

So what now? What do I do, where do I start, how do I not lose it a little bit until I can wrap my head around what may be happening, what my doctor is convinced is happening?  How do I do this alone and in a city where I still don't know anyone?

Feeling poorly so have to sign off and find some happy thing to focus on, watch something on the boob tube that will make me laugh.  Damn, wish I just had someone, a friend, who knows me well and that I can talk to...

Until next time...

Damn these dreams...

It seems to just be a constant nightly thing now.  Dreams come, unbidden, that point out how much my life isn't actually my life, and it does this in a very poignant and, in some respects, ruthless ways.  Do I question this?  Of course!  Everyone knows, or should know, that dreams are your subconscious trying to work issues out that the conscious doesn't want to deal with.  Having said that, it's gotten to the point where my dreams leave no room for interpretation.  In fact, they're as blunt and outspoken as an unpaid whore.

Seriously.

Last night/this morning, dreams that leave me haunted and anxious after waking.  Places I want to go and can't (right now).  People I don't even know...who I miss, somehow.  Unnatural forces in times or places with unfamiliar faces.  They're all friends it seems, from a life I don't recognize myself in.  Damn this night.  Just fucking wake me up already.  Right?

Those faces, those people.  Dreaming about people you've never met isn't exactly unique.  And my dreams have included people I DO know and don't have contact with any longer.  It's all just a messed up, complicated message that I don't have the capacity to interpret right now.

...All I have to go on is how it leaves me feeling when I wake.  A bit confused and bewildered...and feeling as if I'd missed the only train capable of taking me where I need to go.

I'm sure it's meant to be motivating.  But motivating me to do what is the million dollar question.

Damn these dreams.  I guess I just need to work on getting my subconscious to reveal what it's REALLY trying to tell me.  Enough of the guesswork already.  M'kay?

So...it's going to be later today (I hope) when I get to the entries for the Alter Ego blogs... links are in the section to the right.  For now, I'm saying adios.  Time to login to life for a few....

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." --"Dig" by Incubus

Music.  It's been the backdrop to my entire life.  Every song I love, and even some I don't, has a memory attached.  Playing those songs is like flipping the switch on... so I can see my life in increments, set to music.  It's not a bad thing.

The videos I post on my blogs aren't just some random, ill-thought-out entries to which there is no meaning.  On the contrary.  They very much have meaning and often expose parts of me I may not be willing to in any other form--at least at the moment.

I'm sure not all of you watch/listen to them.  And that's okay.  No harm, no foul.  But you do miss out on what's going on in my head when you do.

"Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" is from the song "Dig"..by Incubus.  And it has relevance for  a couple of reasons.  1.  The person it makes me think about.   2.  The lyrics.  It's okay to not understand this or even care about what it means to me.  This is a blog, a journal of my experiences, thoughts, feelings, rants, wishes, dreams, etc., and I don't expect at all for anything to read here and get who I am or what I need or...

I need to get off the computer and do something else.  IF you're at all inclined to listen... the entry below is the song.  But not just any song....  And this song.. isn't about who you might think.

Emotions being what they are often haunt my dreams at night.

Enough with the platitudes already...

Tanking up on coffee today.  I slept out of exhaustion, finally, and I feel a bit better than usual.   But I still need that boost of caffein, even so.  Not exactly sure how this whole thing works, trying to find answers on my own to ALL of my questions, and consulting Google isn't providing me with anything I can work with.  In fact, Google actually ends up proving more questions, and very few answers.

To what?...

To everything.  Don't you hate it when I don't get to the point?  Yeah.  Me too.

I don't even know where to begin with what I need to say today.  My thoughts are all over the place, which is pretty common these days.  I don't understand what's happening to my body with all the significantly elevated liver enzymes, and I don't understand at all if that is causing this RIDICULOUS and totally UNWANTED fatigue, aches, pain, and soooooo much more.  And it seems that no one can help me understand it, either.

I long to feel like myself again.  And if I were to be completely honest here I would have to say that, on the really bad days, it feels as if I won't every feel like me again.  It's the kind of truly debilitating stuff that tries like hell to wreck hope.  Screw that!  I'm not having any of it and will fight that to the end.  Oooh, but I can hear the wheels spinning in at least 2 of you who are bothering to read this.  Yeah, and those wheels produce a lot of insight, I know....

...'Don't be so negative!'

...'You're attracting that crap!'

...'You're focusing on the wrong things!'

...'Think positive and things will improve!'

I can hear your voices. lol  And I'm not disagreeing!  But anyone who has dealt with chronic pain and fatigue knows all too well how you can get completely worn down after it goes on for so long.  It can break you if you're not careful, and if you don't have a good, solid support network.  Which I don't.

Yes, I know..I know.  A person only needs themselves to right things.  I get it.  I do.  But again, even strong people need other people sometimes.  Even strong, determined people need encouragement from others.  It's human nature.  That's where I am right now--I need someone to talk to.  But who?  Which brings me to the other end of this situation...

People, please....

"Well meaning/good intentions" don't cut it.

"Weak platitudes" don't cut it.

"Disingenuous remarks" don't cut it.

"Cookie-cutter advice" certainly doesn't cut it.

"Bullying or controlling behavior" definitely doesn't cut it and hurts.

"Indifference" not only doesn't cut it, but it's harmful and hurtful.

There comes a time when people need to assess whether or not their intentions are to help someone, or if they simply want to feel important, like a hero, or just want to snuggle up to their ego.  There comes a time when you just need to shut up if you're not actually speaking from the heart to someone who needs support, friendship, etc.

Agree?

Get real.  Self-assess.  Ask yourself the right questions before you speak.  Because playacting at giving a shit isn't the same thing as actually giving a shit.  If you're rusty, well just pick something to give a shit about and PRACTICE.

I can get indifference from anyone.  My dog has more warmth than some of the people in my life, which is why this struggle has become... a struggle.  I can't thrive in an environment of careless indifference,  you know.. the kind where someone isn't exactly doing it on purpose.  Careless indifference, to me, is worse than stark indifference.  At least with the latter the person is aware of it, acknowledges it, and takes responsibility for it.

Now I'm just ranting.  But... if not here, where?  Right?

No idea how to resolve this.  So far it's me, myself and I, and that's not cutting it either. lol

Damn.

Holding onto just being me...

...with no excuses.

I've come to a crossroads where my f'd up health and maintaining balance in my life intersect in such a way that I'm left with making a choice between hanging on fiercely to who I am in the midst of life-changing circumstances.  Sounds like an easy choice, doesn't it?

After posting in Where Fireflies Dream I feel like the remnants of what is left to purge are like shards of broken glass.  In some ways I have to be very careful exposing all of my feelings, thoughts, and so forth.  And I don't believe for a minute that I have to explain why this is.  So I won't.  What I will say is that talking about problems, rather than burying them, is far more healthy.  So if anyone isn't in the mood to listen--now is your chance to skedaddle! ;)

I've discovered that the Montgomery, AL area.. and surrounding areas, is NOT the best place to be when you need great medical care.  But I was blessed in finding a fabulous Dr... a D.O., which was confirmed by complete strangers this past Friday... who happened to overhear a conversation between Tom and I.  These two people were pharmaceutical reps who were very familiar with local doctors.  In fact, both of them use my Dr., so.. that was a definite great thing to hear.   They also offered a lot of advice with where to go to get help with this ridiculous situation regarding my health.

Nothing is ever chance.

I also discovered that the guy I'm with, while a total sweetheart, is not really in the now or connected with what's going on with me.  This causes huge problems because I'm forced to hold back a lot of information from him, and to even keep a distance between him and what's going on with me.  I withhold information, which he knows I do and why, because trying to talk to him about this..my health..seems to just fall on deaf ears.  So be it.  I reach out to one or two people when I need to--at their offer and, often, their insistence.  But this has done great damage to my relationship.  And I know all to well where this eventually leads---my complete and total disconnection from that person. And yes, I've talked with him at great length about this.  He gets upset and does a lot of promising about things, but... nothing follows those promises.  So I've told him to not make promises anymore.  Don't say "I'm sorry" anymore.  He says he understands why.  And still... nothing changes.

So here I am holding onto being me...with everything I have.  I can't waste anymore precious energy on those things that continue to wreak havoc with my health and my life.  Tom understands, he says, and he is steadfast and not uncertain about what he wants.  But he doesn't do anything to keep me wanting this.  And it is VERY hard to keep wanting this by just telling myself that I do.  Make sense? I have to agree that on many levels it makes no sense whatsoever.  But it is what it is, right?

Step one: Heal.  Step two: Continue to heal.  Step three: Allow healing while maintaining my spirit, joy, happiness, and every aspect of who I am.  Period.  Step four: Keeping doing the first three steps until I'm well.

While a larger part of me has once again retreated into isolation, that small yet significant other part of me is a wide open door.  I suppose in some ways it's a lot like a lock and key...

For now I'll focus on a couple of important things like making decisions regarding the rest of the house renovations, which has turned into something major. lol  That's okay.  The house's resell value down the road, should we need it, is going to be awesome.  Location and view... and all these updates.. oh yeah, it's resell value is really going to improve significantly.

The other focus is my health--finding out why my liver values are significantly out of whack, what all the other abnormal ranges mean, and finding a doctor willing to put it all together.  A GP can only do so much, and mine has done a lot and is working with me to get to the bottom of things.  His focus at the moment is the liver issue(s)... serious enough to get everyone's attention and eclipsing anything else that's going on.

What I will do...

Listen to music because it lifts me.
Read books or articles that lift, lighten and inspire me.
Find things that make me laugh.
Keep looking ahead in short distances.
Learn to relax, REALLY relax.
Enjoy what I like, what brings me joy.
Avoid sharing my feelings and thoughts, wishes and desires with anyone who makes me feel bad.

....and much more.

I will do what I can do and keep doing it.  It's my life, so I have to do what I must to protect my health, my spirit, my joy, my happiness... and who I am.

If not reciprocity, then what... adventure? Part 1

So where will I take this next adventure and when?  I can hold my own for a bit, I'm sure.  Hell, I've done it this long, why not a while longer?  My adventurous side is banging on the walls, wanting out to play anyway.

I feel a little tired after spilling my guts on Where Fireflies Dream, so I'm left a little thin on my visit here.  Yet, I still feel something tugging inside to be set free, just the same.  What the hell is it, I wonder?

Maybe I should watch a movie and forget my own thoughts for awhile, last night's fiasco included.  I would have rather called someone and talked last night, rather than surfed the web on my phone in the dark... but who?  Oh well.

I need to go outside for a few, put this dying laptop on a charger and let go for a little while.

Where the hell is my phone?

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Restoration. Home. Life. Spirit.

So here I am.  Getting ready to do a little research on the choices for the restoration on the master bath in the new house.  Most has been chosen, but the shower tile, floor tile, tile above the vanity... 2/3 of the walls... working on that, though they're mostly chosen.. is next.  Paint, what little will be in there has been chosen.  Vanity, chosen (with marble top).  Fixtures, chosen.  It's been fun, and I'm ready for it all to be completed and ready for us to move in.  There's still the sunroom to be finished, the deck to be cleaned and re-stained, all the indoor doorknobs replaced with antique bronze, and possibly french doors replacing the entryway doors leading to the living room.  But I think we're just about there once the master bath is done and the master bedroom and hallway wood flooring put in (out with the carpeting in that area!).

A bit on the tired side today.  We've scoured a lot of stores and resources online looking for the right color tile and shape, etc. for the bathroom... and well, I'm ready for a little down-time for my brain. lol  But.. just a little more and I'll be done.  Just a little more.

Oh... and we walked into Lowe's the other day and right into the best deal ever!  They had a few outdoor grills on clearance and we bought one of the last 3!  Regular price was a little over $560.00 (can't remember the exact amount) and we paid $164.00 !!!  Helluva deal!! ;D

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The hum of that engine, or the sound of the whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

House closing done... so now what?

It's a good thing, this move.  Out of the city, into a better neighborhood with less traffic, noise, BS.  And one's expectations must be realistic, so I'm told.  No neighborhood is perfect.  All over the world people have to deal with neighbors, wandering pets and/or barking dogs, etc., etc.  But this is going to be SOOOOO much more peaceful.

But what about my LIFE?  How exactly do I bring more peace into my LIFE as a whole?

I can figure this out, but I'm far to isolated here in this part of Alabama.  And I thought I was isolated in Mobile!  This is a whole new level of isolation.  I'm in another world here.

There is something missing here.  I can't put my finger on it exactly.  But something.   If I weren't so tired today I would write more about it.  Or maybe I've just not sorted it all out in my mind just yet.  I don't know, really.  I can't talk to my BF.  After her stroke in 2013 she can't handle any heavy talk at all, and her conversations must be kept very short and simple.  I'm left blogging this information and, frankly, that's just not enough.  Most likely because I don't really get to the point when it comes to the really sticky stuff.

I should.  But I don't.  At least not yet.  And I've come SO close to doing that a few times.  I can be such a coward with talking about the important stuff here these days.  Used to be that I would just let it all out, let it sit a bit... then, after a while just delete it if it were too personal.

I've no idea what I'm talking about right now...

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

Driving... :)

When I drive.. music is an integral part of the experience... it feels.... it feels like.... (the words will eventually come....)