People are funny

Not exactly 'funny ha ha' either.

I've marveled a great deal over the past few years at how much the view of 'friendship' has changed; what people believe it is, think it is, want it to be, and how they behave within those confines of 'friendship.'  It's occurred to me lately, though not for the first time, that the meaning of friendship isn't anything like it was, and the definition changes with each and every person sculpting that definition to fit their own agenda.

Interesting.

Optional Confusion

I invented that phrase a few years back when I decided that, since I couldn't figure out the x, y or z of my life and who and what I am and how I work.... I would simply opt to be confused and marvel at the mystery instead.  It worked for a time.  But it doesn't work now.

To be needy or not to to be needy.....

I HATE 'needy' when it comes to me.  It's one of the most uncomfortable states to be in, imho.  And it really doesn't help that needy is joined at the hip by desperation.  GEEZ!  What an awful combination.  It's not any fun to deal with or feel, and certainly no fun for anyone to be around someone like that, so... I'm determined that it simply had to go.

So... I used EFT to get rid of the neediness.  Trust me, I don't like it any more than anyone else, and I'd be willing to go as far as to say I probably hate it even more than anyone else.  And I'm only referring to me here.  I don't speak for others and their own neediness.

The result was pleasant from my side of things, after I tapped the neediness away, but it wasn't much fun apparently for my BF.  So.... I did everything I could think of to reverse it----neediness back... and with it's old friend... desperation.  The symptoms.. suck.  I'll tell you that straight up.  They suck.

Who likes feeling needy and desperate?  Who would WANT to feel that way?  I don't!

I can't differentiate between being 'needy' and needing someone.  To me.. you have a need or you don't.  If you have a need, then you're needy. Cripes... I get a headache just thinking about this.

So now what?  Don't know.  Absolutely do---not---know.  The only thing I DO know is that I constantly, even as recent as today, get in trouble for not getting some things.  I just want the neediness GONE.  I want the desperation GONE.  SICK SICK SICK SICK S-I-C-K to death of it.

This whole thing is confusing and overwhelming.  When I tapped the neediness away I actually felt far more 'clear' about me and MY life than I have, well, most of my life.  Now I'm back to square one and confused, tangled up inside... and hating my life.

This has GOT to stop.

God.. I'm SO tired.

Roller Coaster

Roller coasters can be fun and have their place in the world... and that place.... is an amusement park...

All of the ups and downs and gut-wrenching tension I feel when I have to deal with my on-again/off-again BF is ruining me, ruining my health, and ruining my ability to enjoy the holidays.  This past Friday he broke up with me again.... after less than 24 hours at his house.  3.5 hours one way is a long drive, an expensive drive, and this time around... I decided this was going to happen just ONCE more.  I will never make that journey again if things go badly the next time.

While I see effort on his part, I still see [clearly] that he is most likely not going to change.  At this last date, and this particular time in my life... I want to make absolute certain that my experiences are rich in meaning and memorable.  This means I have to get busy at the business of being me and living MY life, rather than trying to live someone else's.

Living someone else's life is a bit like walking around in too-tight shoes.  Don't you think?

Important things have been stripped from me of late.  I feel the physical and emotional effects of their absence.  I began BHRT over a year ago and nearly had the CFS and fibromyalgia whooped.  Due to the cost of the medications I had to stop.  Already I feel the old familiar discomfort, the bloated, half-awake, half-alive feelings taking over.

Half alive.  What's the point?

I don't know HOW to get myself financially independent while I feel like death warmed over a tea light. I don't know HOW to feel good when my body simply just... feels sick.  I DO know what it takes to put things right, but I don't have the financial power to make it happen.  $150 for meds... simply isn't in my budget.

Even as I write this I find I'm too exhausted and achy to finish this entry.  This 'sick' feeling is all to familiar.

I need.... a miracle.