Thursday, June 30, 2016

Well. Damn.



If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.




Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Blandness of Being.



I'm in pain.  A lot of pain.  Trying to think and write here is often too difficult, so... I choose to avoid nonsensical blathering when I can.  But then, I get a few emails or messages on FB asking if I'm okay, why am I not posting, etc.  When this happens I make sure to come here and at least put in an appearance.  As for catching up, well, not sure there's much to catch up on.  But I'll try.

I'm still waiting on lab results regarding my adrenals and blood sugar.  My BP goes very high, then... very low.  No way to treat that, and until we know if my adrenals are struggling we may not know what causes the crazy swings in BP.  It's said that those swings are more dangerous than constantly high BP.  Well, so what?  If you can't do anything about it then why bother worrying?

All there is right now is day by day assessment and trying not to plan anything in advance.  Do you hear the blandness?  I feel it.  I see it.  I live it.

What do I do all day then?  Well, I'm learning Spanish so work on that when I can.  I listen to music, watch Trump rallies, etc. on RSBN.  Well, I use the link from RSBN's web site to the youtube version so I can chat with some friends there and participate.  Not the most glamorous of lives, right?  It's okay... I'm still breathing, so there's that.

Then there's the insomnia.  I believe a lot of the blandness of being right now stems from not being able to sleep well at all.  I desperately need to get the surgery on my shoulder as it hurts badly all night long.  But I have to wait for the results on my adrenals and find out what needs to be done, if any, prior to and during surgery in order to avoid a dangerous adrenal crash while undergoing surgery.  Adrenal Crisis is life-threatening, so the surgeon isn't willing to do the surgery until I get clearance to get it, etc.  Fatigue will absolutely flatten a person out, especially when it's chronic... and... it drains the adrenals.

All in all, the stress has taken its toll.  It took its toll years ago when I was in a BADLY stressful relationship for 11 years.  The relationship was BADLY stressful---as much as the 11 yr one, only condensed into a shorter time frame.  And now it's very stressful but for very different reasons.  T at least is open-minded most of the time to what's needed to avoid the stressful situations.  However, he's not good at all with follow-through, and even in that there is stress.

I pray every day.  I ask God to just shorten this suffering--and yes, it is absolutely suffering.  Anyone who's had chronic pain knows what I'm talking about.  I try and go through my days as normally as I can, find stuff that makes me laugh, smile, or inspires hope.  Motivation is out of reach but at least I can see it in the distance.

For all practical purposes.... this is just life for me at the moment.  I will have a lot of catching up to do when I'm back to full-strength me.....



Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Sugar-Drunk. Not Kidding.



So today was the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) today.  Had to fast, of course, then drink 75mg of pure glucose and have my blood tested 3 times.  Well, it was a real PITA getting stuck that many times in one sitting due to having only two veins that are viable for that.... and they originally tried to draw from a vein on the side of my forearm.  O. M. G. NEVER AGAIN.  Horrible.  But after drinking the nasty-sweet drink I felt okay... at first.  Before long I felt a little queasy, then.... drunk.  No joke.  I was SO dizzy and stupid feeling that I had to ask the techs if it was normal.  I suppose it is somewhat, but they had to call my doctor to see if she wanted them to continue or abandon the test.  She said keep going---as long as I didn't vomit.

No vomiting, thank God.  Only the queasy feeling and massive dizziness.  Sheesh.

Got home... and just felt weak, shaky, wobbly.  All of that changed once I ate something with protein.  I'm not sure if reaction to the glucose is any indication of anything, but I would guess my pancreas is responding well enough and sending a fat dose of insulin in to take care of the sugar... hence the drop in sugar (a guess) with all the dizziness and nausea.

Their computers were down, so.. looks like it'll be a couple of days before I know the results.  My prediction: I'm fine, blood sugar-wise.  I don't have any gut feelings that I'm diabetic, and the doctor is only testing because the prednisone-induced Cushing's Syndrome can cause type II diabetes.  Still, I do expect this to come out just fine, honestly.

*sigh*  Another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  Phooey.




Tuesday, June 21, 2016

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To...





You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....


Saturday, June 18, 2016

Should I....???





It's been a 'musical' day for the most part, as it usually is when I'm having a bad day.  So much pain, what else is there?  Either music, or Spanish lessons.  And... decision-making.  Hmmmm.

So, silencing the music I wonder... of people who've either extracted themselves from my life.. or I booted them.  Either way, there are reasons for everything in life, for choosing to stick with the status quo, or... to create meaningful change and hope for the best.  As all life goes, everything is a risk.  Everything.

It's been my policy that once I'm an 'ex' I'm an ex.  I don't, and have never, seen any reason to stay even loosely inserted in someone's life when you've been rejected, or... when you've rejected them.  Sure, some people can become BFFs with their ex's.. that's fine for them.  But for me, the past is the past.  Not that there's been any exceptions to this rule--there have been.  There's been exactly 2 exceptions, and for good reason.  However, one person was a friend who, no matter how how I tried to forgive repeatedly, decided that his immersion into the 'occupy' movement... simply made him just this side of intolerable.  That's another story for another day---or perhaps not at all.

A discussion with a  friend of mine recently gave me a lot to think about.  Her life is vastly different from mine, which poses difficulty for her when it comes to giving me advice.  She doesn't get where I'm coming from at all most of the time, and that's okay.  We also don't share a deep friendship, and in  fact.. it's fairly superficial for the most part.  Only once a month, roughly, do we actually talk to one another, and we don't hang out ever.  That's okay too.

So, what she presented to me was basically this:  Why cut anyone out of your life?  On the surface it's a good question, but it lacks something vital.  The most important reason for cutting someone completely out of your life is that the relationship proved to be harmful in some way.  So with just that reason in mind... it just makes no sense to present the question in that way.  However, I added a little more to it, such as 'How much forgiveness is available given the circumstances and does that forgiveness translate into a 2nd, or even 3rd chance?'  Basically, maybe there's some merit to looking at each circumstance individually.  Maybe.

In the case of my 'occupy' friend I honestly don't know what to think.  We were the best of friends for over 12 years.  He lives in CA and even at that distance it never hindered our friendship a bit.  We watched movies together, which was often hilarious as we attempted to sync the DVD's and not react too quickly if we were slightly ahead of the other.  We shared EVERYTHING.  We expressed joy, anger, sadness, etc., and could talk for hours on the phone every day.  We helped each other when times were tough, and there wasn't a minute in a 24 hour period that was off-limits.  A 2am phone call or 4am phone call was always answered.  Not that we took advantage of that, but.. it was always a given that, should we need each other, that we could reach out and have someone right there on the other end of the line.

He lost his job of almost 20 years due to layoffs, and that's when everything went terribly wrong.  I suppose as he struggled to find his footing again (in Los Angeles) he found, instead, a group of people who became like family to him.  His mother & father is deceased, and his sister is, well... she's not the warmest of people and left him, literally, to drown in his own circumstances.  I wasn't able to help him financially, and he wasn't inclined to leave CA at that time... so his situation became even worse.  During this time he met with those involved in the occupy moment, and that... is where he lost himself.

Phone calls that used to be about life, living, music, humor, movies, songs he was writing (he's a musician), animals, etc... became all about occupy this or that.  Then... he got involved in the B L M moment, and the smart part of him that wasn't devoured by occupy was completely consumed by B L M... and he became a self-loathing 'white.'  Neither of us are racist, and so I'm not sure why he became lost, so completely and totally lost to a group that for every practical purpose devoured his soul and personality.

For about 4-5 years now I've spoken to him very little with the last phone call being last summer when I bought him a Vegan cookbook.  I never even heard a word back from him other than when I send him a message asking if he received it and he replied with... "Thanks."

His name on social networking sites has the word 'occupy' in it, and I guess it really represents what he's become.

I don't call him anymore, and now that it's election time... and he's a flaming liberal while I'm a conservative (converted after making the huge mistake of voting for Obama the first time)... we have even more animosity.  He was the one, in fact, that talked me into voting for Obama, and already having a deep dislike for a chronically triggered McCain... it was inevitable that I'd give in.  There was also the health care thing, something I desperately needed, but... that's not the only reason I regret that vote.  I was an independent, and now I'm not, so I'm 'gifted' with his presence on my FB on occasion as he bashes Trump, whom I'm supporting and have since the start.

"There are three things I never discuss with people; religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -Linus

So is, was, my usual stance.  But my friend vomited horrible remarks on my FB page on a post in which I finally had to tell him the truth, the blunt truth that he's not the person I once knew and loved as a friend... but that if he resorted to spewing hate on my TL again.. I would block him. Period.  It's taken years to get to this point.

My friend with the advice... I made a decision to re-think my stance.  But as I told her... there are limits to what I'll endure.  Case by case basis seems reasonable.  I easily forgive, but I'm not one who easily forgets.

The days of my being a doormat for criticism, judgment and cruelty to enter my life is over.




Friday, June 17, 2016

Been a very long time since I heard this...

MRI, Lab Results, and Fireflies!



The problem with my shoulder has gotten much worse and I'm pretty much unable to use my arm for little more than simple tasks... such as typing.  I was referred to bone doctor, who sent me for an MRI, which was yesterday.  An hour long MRI... did not sit well with my body at all.  I won't go into all of that now, but... now I wait to find out if it's a torn rotator cuff, which the bone doc thinks it is.  So much for that.

I also received a call from my PCD about some labs that were done about a week ago, and I'm once again being referred back to my hematologist.  Ugh.  The last time was about a year ago and was  for low ferritin (anemia).  I received iron infusions for that and was fine in that respect, and my ferritin levels were restored to normal.

THIS time, my ferritin is elevated.  Again, the last few tests it was right in the normal range where it should be.  I don't eat much red meat (not a big fan and prefer a plant-based diet), and any protein sources usually include chicken and fish mostly, and on occasion... red meat.  My multi-vitamin does NOT contain iron because I'm in pre/meno so well, to be blunt, I don't get any visits from Aunt Flow or Uncle TOM anymore, not in almost a year now.  No need for iron in vitamins when this occurs.


Anyway, so... I have to see the blood doctor to find out why.  Not sure if timing is the key here, or if this is just a really good indication that I'm NOT dealing with hemochromatosis, which is iron overload.  I don't believe for a second I have that.  But it still is almost always due to liver issues.  Ugh.. which most of you guys know I already have (Autoimmune Hepatitis, or AI).

Thankfully my ferritin level is only mildly raised... but I was told it's still needs attention because it means my body is absorbing more iron than it should.  I do have to say I find this odd since I really do eat very little meat.  No telling wth is causing this, but... another wait and see situation I guess.


On another note---FIREFLIES!

I've seen a few of these little guys flying about lately, but there were MUCH MORE yesterday.... and that's beyond awesome!  I DO NOT EVER, NOR DO I THINK IT'S OKAY to catch them in a jar!!  They're population is dwindling---a very sad fact---so in the very short season of their lives... let them live!  They have to have firefly nookie to maintain their population!  lol Well, it's true!

So my front and back yard is covered with them in the evenings... and, the big light at the end of the driveway is being turned off.  It's billed to us, so we can choose to have it on or not.  We're choosing NOT to have it on due to artificial light hurting the mating process of these amazing creatures.  We also don't over-mow the lawn so as to allow as much of the population to grow as possible.

I.  Absolutely.  LOVE.  Fireflies.


Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Weirdness of Dreams.



I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'



"You've chosen lessons of pain."



I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....



Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Self-Preservation.



Why is it that, of late, I'm finding myself avoiding posting in my blogs?  I mean, yes.. I do sometimes go on at length, I know.  But for the most part I seem to wait till that part of the day when I least feel like talking, sharing, or even thinking.  And it's in THAT moment that I suddenly decide to post something.  It's just the oddest freaking thing, I have to say.

I wait till everything hurts.  I wait till I can no longer sit here like this, till I'm SO uncomfortable and in pain that I can't think straight.  Maybe, just maybe I'm avoiding actually talking.  Right?  Makes sense to me.  I'm an hour past tylenol and am still in avoidable, unmoving, unrelenting pain.  Yay.  NOT.

Sleep didn't come easily to me last night and when waking up under that onslaught I feel worse than ever.  I have an idea of what's causing the insomnia for the most part, and it's something I can avoid.  But then, sometimes the pain overrides all.  What else am I do to when nothing else works?  Side effects.  Joyful.

Still, I seek hope, motivation, and a passion for life that I know, that I MUST believe beyond everything, still exists somewhere within.  If I ever allowed myself to believe anything else I'd be in big, big trouble.  Granted, this wanting to believe isn't the same as actually believing.  I know this.  I get this.  I feel and know just how fragile this is and how susceptible it is to influence from outside.  That's the biggest problem here in finding my way---knowing that I'm up against the tidal wave of indifference radiating from T.  People who allow, or even choose to flip their internal switch to 'autopilot' are ignoring the consequences of their actions.  Why?  Well, my take on it is that it's just easier that way.  Relationships are work, but they're worth it if both parties carry their fare share of the responsibility.

Self-preservation has taken a firm hold on my life and me as a person.  I've been here before and recognize what it is I'm dealing with and know where this will ultimately lead.  My health being in a shambles right now is keeping me locked in place and shackled to a life that isn't mine, not even close to mine.  I don't recognize anything, and that.. is a very, very bad sign.  Still, I'm here... riding out the storm seeing no pause, no respite, no calm waters ahead.

Swim or drown?

That, really, is the ultimate question and one I have absolutely no answer to.  Not yet.

On to post in my other blogs.... I'll work my way through this today if it kills me....





Sunday, June 12, 2016

**prayers**



I'm not going to talk about the Florida tragedy today.  The entire morning was consumed with conversation about it, here at home and online.  What else is there to really say about the situation that hasn't already been said?  I'm simply not going to go there... here.  Prayers for the victims and family....


Friday, June 10, 2016

The Fourth Child in Social Hierarchy PART II



In PART I... I spoke about the balance of power in relationships and the Beta male.  THIS time, I want to finish up with speaking a bit about the Alpha male and women who are either Alpha or Beta.  In the scope of relationships and that necessary balance of power I must also address the serious and fatal issues that arise from polarized power between the sexes and tie it in to my own experience.  So, let's get started.

I have to admit I was to write this entry immediately following the last.  However, I found myself getting rather caught up in Ian Somerhalder photos. lol  Now, he 'presents' as the typical Alpha in that he's confident, successful, but also possesses a huge heart and an abundance of compassion.  The Ian Somerhalder Foundation is all about.. animals.  You'll find hundreds and hundreds of photos of him on the web posing with both domestic and wild animals.  The fact that he's an animal lover is a huge clue to who he is as a man.

So is Ian an actual Alpha male?  Well, I wouldn't personally know because I don't KNOW him.  But usually what comes to mind, whether you're male or female, is an image that represents "Alpha."  For some it may be the image of actors who played James Bond.  For others, such as me, it can be someone else entirely.  But when we look back at our history and interactions with various people it's pretty easy to see who's what.

It's not about a pretty fact, btw.  In fact, many Alphas aren't classically good looking at all.  We just find there's something about them....

You'll find opinions everywhere as to what an Alpha actually is.  Some believe that Alpha women are the best because, like their male counterparts, they're successful, confident, etc.  But this really, from a psychological standpoint, is a lot more complicated when it comes to females.  Ever meet a 'Feminist'?  Yeah.  Need I say more?  This isn't always the representation, but it often is.  Not all confident Alpha women make 6 figures per year and own yachts.  Many, if not most, are just ordinary people.

Life experiences affect who we are, which can make or break a woman down to her lowest common denominator.  This, though, is entirely out of the spectrum we want to stay in here.  So, we won't be addressing the minutia of the human psyche and its effects on us as individuals.

The Balance of Power And Sustainability in Relationships:

There's is where I'm going to keep it REALLY simple.  99% of successful relationships have both a male role and a female role---and an Alpha and Beta role.  You have no idea how very important this is.  So let's put it in perspective, in real life situations.

We've all seen enough movies to have seen this Alpha/Beta thing in action.  Fiction does have its components based on actual reality--otherwise there wouldn't be anything to sustain our interest.  If we can't connect in some human way with what we see and hear... we become bored.  This isn't always something we're acutely aware of, btw.

Let's take things OUT of the movies and go straight to the core of the problem.  In every relationship that works there's a male & female role in which Alpha & Beta personality traits are in play.  Again, I'm focusing mostly on the guy's role here for the sake of this discussion.  However, let's also back it down, since we already know what an Alpha & Beta is, and keep it to 'feminine' and 'masculine' traits, because the latter is far easier to recognize.

Whether a heterosexual relationship or gay relationship--it's still the same.  Every relationship has both a male and female component.  We're strictly speaking of straight couples here in this discussion, btw.

Female or Feminine TRAIT situations:

Honestly, this is the worst situation of all, because there is this lack of initiative on the guy's part.  Most women, of course, have feminine traits.  This is problematic because they're both in the mode of waiting for the Alpha to step up, step in, and take charge.  In these situations... it just never happens and ultimately ends up in complete failure.  Both parties are waiting for the other to literally take charge of the situation, whatever that situation is.  If the situation is sex--there's usually BIG trouble.

Beta males, as opposed to Alpha males, tend to sit back and wait for the woman to orchestrate life and, oddly, he ends up resenting her for it later.  When this happens it makes the relationship and everything in it, including sex, extremely awkward.  To say the least.

Most times the tell-tell signs are there, but they're not actually recognized for what they are until it's too late.

Beta males will:

Expect you to initiate sex 99% of the time, and expect more 'receiving' than giving.  More times than not there is they have this sense of entitlement where you're concerned, as well as a sense of expectation without provocation.  In other words, a Beta male is inherently going to expect you to initiate sex, jump through hoops to please him right off the bat, right from the start, and pretty much 99% of the time.  Over time his female counterpart will lose interest in sex with him and begin to pull away.

Eventually, that woman he's with will begin noticing other men, Alpha men.  Again, this is just nature and a fact of life.

This also holds true with the other scenario, that in which both have 'male' or 'dominance' traits.  This is also a disaster because both sides are always vying for power and control.  This second situation I won't go into much because it's outside the scope of this conversation.

When the balance of power is in its rightful place things tend to go smoothly between two people.  If the man is dominant/Alpha he compliments the female role of his partner.  If the woman is the Alpha or 'dominant' role and she's with a guy who just so happens to be a Beta... it just may work out because he wants someone to take care of his needs and, well, isn't willing to initiate himself into any given role or circumstance.

Girly Girls Love Manly Men:

It's kind of how the human race survived.  I don't think I need to go into all of that, because I think you get the picture.

The bottom line is that it's very difficult to be in a relationship with Beta males.  I'm girly to the core and find situations where I'm expected to assume the masculine role EXTREMELY awkward and uncomfortable.  And when it comes to sex in such a situation--it's a major turn-off for me.  Been there, done that.  Ugh.  And, I'm rather in that situation now.  But for the possibility that reason can lead to understanding on his part, meaning.... he really has to come to terms with a LOT and find ways past or around those things.  Otherwise, this situation is doomed.

It takes a mountain of humor to see myself through this, I have to say. I'm not completely confident that it will be resolved, and I'm not exactly sure right now how to manage remaining in this relationship given the outright upset in the balance of power.  And THIS, my friends, is where The Fourth Child comes in.

We've come full circle back to me and my situation.  Even though they did eventually end, the most enjoyable, exciting, and FUN relationships I've had in my life were the ones where I was with the ultimate Alpha male.  The best lasted 11 years until he went full-blown mid-life-crisis mode.  There just isn't any way to save someone from themselves when they head willingly down that path.  He passed away about a year after we broke up, but he was in full MLC swing from what I heard.  But for the better part of 11 years, until his MLC became a relationship wrecking ball, it was pretty awesome.

I've been in relationships with 3 Betas in my life, and not one of those was anything to brag about.  True to my nature I hoped it was a simple matter of respect, or lack thereof.  But as it turned out it was far more than that and something that couldn't be fixed in the short term.  Not my job to 'fix' anyone and I won't waste the energy trying to.

I'm not a psychologist or expert on anything.  My take on all of this is from YEARS of reading books and gathering information from psychology journals and research papers online, and a little of what I obtained in my psych classes in college.  My experiences fall in line with what I've read.

As my life is now I feel as if I'm living with someone who's very much like a child.  He's not a child in his work, because he's very successful.  But when it comes to everyday life it's another matter, and at this point it's risky for me due to my health and physical limitations.  I feel vulnerable and am having a nearly impossible time trying to feel any confidence in this.  The vulnerability stems from my failing health, for the most part.  It's scary knowing that you have to depend so much and count on someone who is NOT the type of person to care this way for another.  Very, very scary.  I've been in a similar circumstance and felt the same vulnerability, the same anxiety, the same exact lack of confidence in both the situation and the person.

Every day that I wake into this life I'm met with yet more reminders of how blatantly awkward and exhausting this whole thing is.  Does he know how I feel?  He absolutely does.  Has it helped?  Not in the least.  The more this fails the scarier for me it becomes, which makes getting my health back absolutely necessary, vital, critical...

The first time I learned about the whole 'Beta male' thing was when I lived in Colorado, some 20+ years ago.  I found it curious and interesting and thought such information would serve me over time.  I didn't count on my own lack of ability to immediately identify such traits, or perhaps.. my inability to recognize I may have been overlooking them on purpose.  But I chose to read a lot of books over the years, off and on, and often by chance, and yet to this day I still don't SEE the writing on the wall until after it's too late.  Not my life's finest accomplishments, I have to admit.

While I mostly write to get things off my chest, out of my system, I also write in hopes of helping others.  Maybe I'll spare someone the hassle of a relationship where there's just a coupling of opposing forces.

In retrospect I see evidence that I didn't recognize at the time.... one in particular...

As I lay next to him, exhausted, and not in a good way I thought to myself... "We can't both be the girl in this relationship."




The Fourth Child in Social Hierarchy PART I.



The number isn't important, because it's not the same for everyone.  But for me, the number is 4.  It's always 4.  This relationship, and 'almost' every other I've had I've felt like someone's mother, to a someone who isn't actually a child but behaves like one.  I've raised my kids!  But.. have I?

Let's talk about what WORKS in a relationship first.

At the core of every successful relationship is a balance of power.  I'm not speaking about responsibilities as a whole; if both work, if one works, and which one works, or who does the yard or cooking.  Those things are simply tasks that have to be done, nothing more.  Doesn't really matter who does it.  The 'balance of power' I'm talking about can be broken down to two more very simple categories---male and female.  And yet, there's really more to that when you think about it.  It's dominant vs submissive, and.. I'm not talking sex, though that usually translates right into that.  However, sex is another discussion for another time.  For now, what I want to talk about/address, is the 'alpha' and 'beta' roles in people, and how those don't always fall in line with the majority.

So that 'core' or 'foundation' in a relationship is balanced and harmonic when you have one of each; one alpha, and one beta.  Now, before you get your undies in a bunch, I'm not talking about which is more important, because...BOTH are not only important, but necessary for any relationship to actually work.

In the context of social hierarchy the alpha male is usually the confident, charming guy who wields his success, not as a weapon, but as a champion's sword.  There are 'pseudo-alphas,' but I'll address that later.  In the same context, the 'omega' (not within the scope of this discussion) is the socially awkward, creepy guy who doesn't make or keep friends easily.  And last, but not least, the beta.  The beta male is the most notable here and is the main topic.  HOWEVER, I'll also be addressing the female role in this as well (Alpha, Beta).

It's a given that there are good people and bad people, and it doesn't have anything to do with whether they're alpha or beta.  The latter can affect the delivery and responses in their reactions to any given circumstance, but a good person can be either, and a bad person can be either.  So there's no 'good/bad' judgment when speaking overall.

The Alpha Male:

This guy is confident inside and out.  He doesn't really feel the need to belittle others to make himself look or feel better.. because it's just unnecessary.  An Alpha is no wuss and will defend himself readily.  The good guy alpha (which I'll refer to as the GGA) is the one who loves to take charge, not to dominate and suppress, but to care for and protect.  Almost all women (except Alpha women) are attracted to this type of man.  It's not rocket science but simply nature at work.

The Beta male:

Unlike the Alpha, this guy is is a little harder to describe and a lot more tricky to deal with, especially when you're a woman.  Beta males can be very charming, very sweet, personable, and extremely successful.  "Alpha" or "Beta" doesn't guarantee success or failure in life.  But we're not going to take things down to that level as it's not the purpose of this discussion.  Let's move on...

The beta males are the sit-back guys.  You know, the ones who are often well-liked by all, very calm, passive, etc.  Even the extremely successful ones who're at the top of their careers, make a lot of money or even are wealthy, well.. they often still find themselves 'not exactly' at the top.  But it's okay because they're happy there.  Isn't that what everyone wants?  To be happy?

Beta's can be a girl's best friend.  You know, the straight guy who's like a GF.  Nothing wrong with that either.  However, that passive, sometimes shy and socially awkward beta can turn on you, and when you least expect it.

You see, betas are often lost to the idea of dating and relationships.  Some of them may 'think' they know and understand, but when they're IN a relationship that relationship can go south in a bad way.  Passive turns to passive-aggressive, and in many many cases.. overt aggressive.  Kind of like the submissive dog in the pack that finally lashes out... at whatever is near it.  No offense to dogs, btw.

There's a big difference between taking charge and bullying.  Contrary to what you might think, Alpha males aren't usually abusers, bullies, etc.  Not that they CAN'T be, because at the very core of being 'human' is that we're all literally subject to just about every trait there is.  Having said that, you'll most likely find that the 'nice guy' routine in a beta fails epically when tough or testy situations arise.

NOTE: I use terms like "most" or "many" because some betas really, truly are very sweet and good guys.  Just know I'm not labelling all betas as 'bad guys.'  And, I'll get to the balance of power in PART II.

Betas are often very needy, meaning... they often have a lot of demands that, when not met, result in massive pouting episodes or out-right tantrums.  Either way, they'll make you pay when they're not happy.  AGAIN, not ALL Betas do this, but it is almost always the case, meaning.. the majority.

Betas are often known from going from "Mr. Nice Guy" to "Complete and utter jerk" a moment later.

Most Beta's don't do very well with women, except for those women who are, in effect, Alphas.  This is where that whole 'balance of power' thing comes in.

When things go awry in a relationship is when both parties are "Alpha" or "Beta."

I'll take this one up in a moment in PART II....


Thursday, June 9, 2016

"G" gave me an order. OH NO SHE DI'N'T!



OH yes she did! ;p  And then we cracked up, drank coffee, and drained our cell phone batteries talking.

Basically, we have this same conversation about twice a month, sometimes more often depending on how much I put into my blogs.  You see, she has ONE blog that she pours absolutely everything into.  And that works for her.  Not so much for me.  So, on occasion, like yesterday, she told me I "Absolutely must" re-share the links across my blogs so people realize I'm not always saying the same thing in all the same places.  Okay.  If I must. ;p  She's a good egg, so I'll indulge her every so often.

The one thing I'm not on board with is her insistence that I talk here about the same things I talk to HER about.  Yeah, no.... I don't think ANYONE is ready for THAT! lol


NOTE: The links below can also be found on the menu section in each of my blogs.  Easy peasy. ;)

My other blogs:

Boo's Juicy Bits

This Free Spirit

Where Fireflies Dream

The Crap I Spew

All Things Ephemeral


Happy now, G?  Now let's see you bring some order to that mincemeat you call a blog. (*snort*).

Yeah, we've been friends for several years so can jab at each other.  All in good fun.. :)


Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?



Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.




The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing To Be...




I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.



"We came. We saw. He died!"


EVIL has a name, a goal, and a VERY shrill voice.


What to make of this week so far...



NOTE:  Actual talking will commence post-whining. *snort*

Begin Whining:  Waiting.  The Watchman Device isn't, at least in AL, approved by BC/BC insurance.  This means my cardiologist and electrophysiologist have to start the appeal process to get it approved for me.  So the waiting game sits in and I'm stuck on a blood thinner I believe is ruining my health.  So there's that.  I also found out I may have a torn rotator cuff and may need surgery.  Well alrighty then.  But hey, if that's what it is an I have to go through Sx and have my arm in a sling for a month... I can live with that.  The pain.. not so much.  Since when did I become such a wuss?

I've always had a high pain tolerance, but I've never had chronic pain like this either.  Guess I'll give myself a pass this time.

Somehow the idea of just living a normal life has receded into the background of dull static making it hard to hear myself think.  Everyone goes through a little something every now and then, and sometimes it's a big something.  It resolves, and people move on.  This has been a very long haul so far, but I'll do the same once I get past whatever the hell this is.  End whining:

Re-discovering 'me' again.  Sounds so damn egocentric, doesn't it?  Especially when you say it out loud.  But hey, it's not like anyone else can do that for me, right?  Getting through the steps of the day sometimes interferes with the process, trying hard to remember who I am and all that entails.  In my situation, since it's not somewhere I've been my entire life, it's a bit more difficult given this is an abrupt situation, rather than a chronic one.  It's a bit like a tidal wave of change that pummeled and stripped everything I knew about me and my life... completely away, removing almost all recognizable things and swept them out to sea.  Well, on one had that really sucks.  But, on the other hand it just means a clean slate.  Right?

Then there's the debris, having to clear that away.  Beginning to re-think and rebuild what was once 'me' is probably one of the strangest and toughest things I've ever face with regards to my own personal experiences here on planet earth.  Not to say it's completely bad, mind you, but it is a little unsettling to have to repair damage that was done that was beyond my control.  Medication and illness has a way of doing that sometimes.  So be it.

(Have I mentioned I absolutely love coffee?)

Anyway, there are choices I have to make.  Sounds reasonable, right?  The trick is having the strength and energy to see those choices through.  Like my choice, be it a small one, to visit ALL of my blogs today and catch up on things a bit.  Sounds easy as hell, yet even now my arms are so weak and achy that I still have to rest them on the laptop as I type.  So there's that.

What does all of this even mean?  I'm still fighting.  That's what it means.  I've walked right to the edge of just giving up but have managed to not step off into oblivion.  Isn't that how we all get through the hard times?.. not by saying there aren't difficulties but by saying there are and fighting being overtaken by them.  Well.. that's me anyway.

I'm still reaching for a better life, and that counts for something.  I guess.





Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Hola!




So, what else can someone do when they can't sit up but for a short time, can't walk well, and is in pain 24/7 (yes, it even wakes me up at night)?  I suppose there are a few options to help one not totally give up, but I chose something that I've wanted to do for years---learn Spanish.  And yes, I had to purchase a program, and yes.. it was pricey, but I'm ok with that.  At least my mind will be active, even if my body can't be right now.

Where the hell am I even going with this?  I've no idea.  I'm distracted by the hellacious pain that's setting in.  THIS is how life is right now.  Can't sit down, can't hardly stand up, very difficult to walk, and laying down even hurts.  Maybe it's time for another dose of Tylenol.  And yes, I do realize Tylenol is hard on the liver, but.. I can't take any NSAIDs because of the blood thinner.  In just about every direction... I'm screwed.

Damn.  Well, I tried.  I guess today just isn't my day.




I'm still waiting...




For a doctor who gives a damn that I'm basically bedridden now.  They need to STOP relying on blood tests ONLY, because not everything that can take you down health-wise shows up in the blood. How do they tell someone who's bedridden that.. they're okay?  It's been coming on since I started the blood thinner, and I've omitted almost every prescription and have gotten no better.  I have an occasional 'ok' day, but that's it.  Where does it stop, and what will it take?  Do I have to do this myself, take myself off the blood thinner and hope nothing bad happens?

My cardiologist says I can't get the Watchman device until my liver problems are under control, and I can't safely go OFF the blood thinner until I get the Watchman device.  AND... I shouldn't BE on a blood thinner when I have a liver issue--because liver problems interfere with the body's ability to clot blood, and it's also not consistent... which make it even more dangerous.  So I shouldn't be on a blood thinner, but I can't get off the blood thinner until I get the Watchmen device... because liver issue has to be in remission, but blood thinner can exacerbate the issue.  Good God, where does this end?

Everyone is sitting on their hands.

I'm basically going to have to make a choice this week to go off the blood thinner on my own--cold turkey.  It's dangerous as hell, but I really don't have any other choice.  The device isn't without risks either.... but I'm done with NOT living.  DONE with it.

*sigh*


When I'm without words, music...





When I'm without words, music...


So much for strong suggestions

ME22 & NE23.  NEFL Eagle cam. Screen shot and photomanipulation by me. Copyright American Eagle Foundation. My physical jour...