Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (RAC remix)

What is "Joy"?

Joy is the giant umbrella that keeps the harshest rain from soaking you to the bone, the same umbrella that brings shade when the sun is at its worst.  Joy isn't a perfect day or perfect life, and it doesn't present itself the same to everyone.  Your joy may very well be my complete hell.  The answer to the question is.... "Joy" is a different experience, a different presence for each person.  When you think about it, there is no real definition for joy.  It just is or is not.

I sometimes find my joy, though it's often fleeting.  And sometimes my joy is stolen by a careless action,  inaction, word or the strong and damaging presence of indifference.  But eventually... I will find it again, and in those moments are when I'm most alive, free, and completely me.  And I will not be made to feel selfish for embracing the person, soul, spirit I am.  There have been a couple of people in my past who sought to change me completely, and in every instance I was left shattered on the inside and out.  And it nearly happened again.

I somehow managed to catch myself in the process of falling into that abyss.  And yes, I consider that 'lucky.'

This is where I am today as I sit here spent from days and days of running behind T dotting all the I's and crossing all the T's, and I've yet to actually get a break from it all.  Yesterday was my birthday, and as birthdays go.. that one sucked beyond belief.  SO much to do, and all I did was go and go and go from sunup till sundown.  That's what life is like when you live with someone who 'coasts' through life like they're still 15 yrs old and have mamma to take care of everything.  I'm worn today, worn and shattered and trying to catch my breath.

My camera sits beside me, covered so dust doesn't get on the lens.  I've not been outside to capture the beauty that I can still see around me.  There's simply just no time right now.  I'm far too busy picking up where T left off.  God, but I need life to slow down.

I have surgery coming in a few weeks, possibly a couple of months.  They've not scheduled it yet.  But the important part isn't the when but what happens when I'm incapacitated for a bit.  The thought terrifies me since I have no help here.  T... is not help.  In my circumstances, like so many times before, if I don't do 'it,' it just doesn't get done.  So what hell awaits me when I'm supposed to be healing?  Who will help?  A terrifying thought.  Just terrifying.

It's thoughts like these that keep me up at night, that wake me at 3am, that exists as a dark undercurrent to all things 'life' and 'living,' leaving me no peace, no serenity, and consuming everything in its path.  It's been two weeks since I've slept more than 5 hours a night.

Two weeks.

Where is my joy today?  Waiting.  Waiting for me to be released from this anchor of servitude to a person who simply doesn't understand the damage he's doing.

Doesn't matter.  Praying I will get there, that I reach that place where I am happy, where I am me, where my joy is.

"You Can't Pour From An Empty Cup."

.... so take care of yourself FIRST.

Easier said than done.

Overwhelmed.

Because it happens.  The minute a guy starts believing you'll pick up the pieces, dot all the i's and cross the t's... you're in deep shit.  The minute he figures out that he can just flip the switch to auto-pilot and leave the wrecking ball swinging, you're fucked.  The second he sees he can just sit back and half-ass his way through life, through YOUR life.... you'll be buried under a mountain of crap that you will never, EVER get away from.  At some point, something IS going to give.  And guess what?  That something... is YOU.

That is, unless you take your life back QUICKLY and before too much damage is done.

Oh, and there's something else I should mention.  This damage is cumulative.  That means that every relationship you've ever been in that was destructive to you in some way creates layer upon layer of dead weight that sits on your soul, your spirit, the very core of your being until one day it finally breaks you.  This is why protecting yourself is critical to your emotional, psychological and physical health.  Trust me.  I'm not kidding when I say it will break you.

This is where I've been and where I am today, right here and now.  Like others before him, T only does what he considers the absolute bare minimum, leaving the bulk of 'whatever it is' for me to handle, fix, augment, and any form of picking up the slack that exists.  One person simply cannot do it all when there are more than one person in the situation.  Well, I should say one more ADULT.  Kids are way WAY easier.  Grown men not interested in doing what needs to be done and doing it the right way.. not so much.

Fuck that.

I make no apologies for cursing at the moment.

Life has been beyond trying over the past couple of years, and it's gotten much MUCH worse of late. The last several years have been a fucking nightmare from beginning to end, with the exception of those few things that were solely and truly part of my own personal life.  In those moments when I was living MY life the way I was meant to live it, when all that I did, did not do, thought, dreamed, wished for, etc.... wasn't filtered through someone else... I knew joy, peace, and a freedom that renews the soul, mind and spirit.  This is how people are really meant to live, you know.  And it doesn't mean someone else can't be in their life, but it does mean that whoever is in their life shouldn't be controlling that other person nor pushing the weight of the entire relationship on that other person.

Carry your share of the damn load already!

I can't do the work of two people.  Life's work is what it is, but everyone has to carry their share.  Period.  Right now, I feel I'm carrying the load of several people, and it's getting to me in more ways than I could ever explain.  Everywhere I turn I'm doing damage control.

There's SO much to do, and it's pretty much left up to me.  I'm sick of it.  SICK.  OF.  IT.  Don't ask me what the solution is, because I've absolutely NO idea, and without any coping mechanisms in place, with the absence of any kind of support network coming up with solutions is pretty impossible.  All there is for me to look forward to is the overwhelming part, the shutting down part, and the stuck in inertia part.  That's it.  Oh, but it does take some time to get to that last part.

No time or room or breathing space to enjoy a single thing most of the time.  The moments of joy I do have are ultimately stolen from those things requiring my attention (because no one else is willing to do their part).

So today was meltdown day, at the end of my rope day, aka... hell day.  And there are just far too many of THOSE days lately.  The problems pile up and are left to me.  I can't keep up, and I can't catch up, and my body is giving out from the going, going, going, going, going to try to keep up with it all.

I've no idea what will be left of me by the end of this day.

What Sustains Me

Photography.  Nature.  Not necessarily in that order.  Having the ability to lose myself in something beautiful, even if it means hard work.  While the usual struggles remain I can still seek solace through the lens while watching some of nature's most interesting children go about their lives.  My world may be small right now, but it's rich and vibrant with color and sound and LIFE.  What more could I really ask for?  Much, sadly.

Yes, it would be amazing to have the kind of relationship I had long long ago.  The 'who' in that situation really doesn't matter.  What DOES matter is that I did have that kind of relationship for a time, and even if it didn't work out I was able to live it, feel it, have it, and remember it.  But is that 'enough'?  Not really.  But it's great that I had the experience.

How can it possibly be a bad thing to seek something better?  The idea of wanting more, wanting a better quality life and experiences doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what I already have.  Life, for good reason, just isn't that simple or cut and dried, and anyone who lives their life by the 'easiest route' is usually a very unhappy person, despite what face they put out there for others to see.  Truest me, we see the real you.

For all the things that sustain me, the beauty, the color, the story behind what I see, there is much that still drains from me the very vitality that's instilled in me through the experiences I'm blessed to have.  And those experiences, for the most part, are private.  I simply don't share them.

Aside from blogging, which is pretty much the only place I share, any and all attempts in the past to share my passions, dreams, views, experiences, all that which inspires and excites me has all ended on a flat and somewhat out-of-key note, ruining the entire song.  The decision to hold these experiences close, to protect them is what I do.

So I'm still here.  Still breathing.  Still hoping for a better life.  I'm still here wanting a real relationship like the one from long, long ago.  But in my heart of hearts I'm not entirely sure I believe that.  I know, how silly, right?  But it's true.  I'm burned out on relationships and all their trappings and stressors and demands.  My spirit needs recharging, replenishing, and a much sought after sabbatical from the daily grind of keeping up with people who don't get me.  Been there, done that, and really don't want to do that again.

In the meantime and as my body and soul heals I look past this house and into the world surrounding me and see the face of nature.  And it makes me smile.  I mean TRULY smile from the inside out.

Sept 05, 2017, Secrets From A House On A Bluff

It's been a busy busy few weeks.  Planting, putting up a few trellises, a small fence, and lots of opportunities to photograph my favorite subjects.  This is  the biggest blessing of all, being able to put my soul through the lens and see the magic on the other side.



For a time I can forget the trouble, the frustration with every day life...