A hot meal....

This is America.  Is it too much to ask to be able to afford a hot meal at least once a day?  Maybe a meal that 'isn't' oatmeal or ramen noodles?  REAL food perhaps?

I'm just sayin'.....

Maybe it's because I'm dead tired, worn to the bone big time, not sleeping nearly enough, not eating hardly at all, worried sick and anxious most of the time.  But... I'm beat, literally, to the core.  I'm weak, can't think straight, sore all over almost every single day.  Yeah, yeah... sure, fixing those things listed would help, but it's the ABILITY to fix those things that I'm talking about.

Honestly, is it too much to ask to just be able to sit down and eat a hot meal after you've worked your A$$ off all day?  :(  I'm so tired of being hungry.  And please, if you're reading this and are thinking "maybe get rid of internet and you could buy food!!," don't waste your breath.  My neighbor is kind enough to let me use her wifi, because no... I cannot afford internet.  'Nuff said about that.

I'm hungry.  I mean, really hungry.  And it's frustrating, to say the least.  What's this country come to?  I mean, it's bad enough when you have homeless and hungry people on the street and in shelters.  But seriously..?...when people work their a$$es off and are STILL hungry---there is something VERY wrong.

Yes, I'm grateful that I have a job (two now).  But I've gone from UNemloyed to UNDERemployed.  Better than unemployed?  Yes!  But even with 2 part time jobs that do NOT pay a living wage... well, you get the picture.

Maybe it's not a big deal to some, and I see and hear evidence of that all the time, but it's a very big deal to those who work very hard and still aren't able to meet the financial minimum for most basic needs.

Realistically----there are a lot of us out here falling through the cracks.  And it sucks.

North - East

Sunday, 3:41pm

I want to live in a place where autumn leaves pool about your feet and where frost makes roses look like glass.  I miss being able to see the differences between one season and the next.  There is so much I miss about the North.  And though I've never been or traveled east (Main, Boston, New York).... I think I would like that part of the country for the seasons.

Maybe I'm just over-romanticing the whole "grass is greener" thing.  It wouldn't be the first time.

Too many times I've said I couldn't move somewhere I've never lived because I don't know anyone there.  But seriously, I only know ONE person here.  Would it really be that much different?  I think not.  Challenging in some ways, but the loneliness factor would pretty much remain the same.

Still... a girl can dream.

More on this later.... off to clean my car in this late afternoon.....

Tired. Changes....

Forgive the dullness of this post.  I have to get up early all week, and I mean 4 am to get things done so I can leave for work by 6:50.  *sigh*  I need the hours, but when it c osts $15 round trip each day to go to work, and when I'm only scheduled 4-6 hours... that HURTS. :(  Anyway, I digress....

I'm sleepy as heck at the moment and was contemplating my 50th birthday---next month.  I'm not really freaked out by the number, because I feel 100 yrs old anyway.  Trust me, I'm serious.  But the birthday is only a reminder of a few things, and getting older really isn't 'it.'

It's about time lost...

50 years old and what do I have to show for it?  Kids and grandkids and furkids, and thank GOD for them!  Because outside of that... nothing.  Never owned a home.  Never owned a new car or even got financed for anything at all.  Never 'went on vacation.'  Only just NOW, this year, getting to the career "I" want, and yet almost too damn late to get a degree and licensing to boost the income.  There's a lot of 'nevers,' and that really sucks.  I can't un-ring those 50 bells--time lost is just, well, time lost.

But, contrary to what you may be thinking right now, I'm not lamenting anything.  I do feel some regret, sure.  Maybe quite a bit.  Still, it's really the 'now' that I'm disappointed in.  The past is what it is, but the now is really the lowest situation I've been in.  Well, okay... SECOND lowest.  When I lived in a house with a tin roof, in the woods in Arkansas, with no running water (had to dip it out of a well), no toilet/bathroom (had to go in a bucket and take it outdoors), had to heat the entire home with a wood burning stove--not the cool cast iron ones but the 'tin can' type....had to cook on it too, and the only light inside was ONE bulb in the living room ceiling... yeah, that was the lowest.  But the current is still freaking scary.  At least way back when I lived with the abuser, the psycho, the loon... at least my mom was alive and I could always 'go home' if I needed to.  And back then, I did have small children, one who was only a few months old.  Anyway... the now does bother me.

And the birthday... doesn't help.

My mom stopped making a big deal out of my birthday about age 9.  My birthdays weren't ever a big deal to begin with.  I only remember two parties---one when I was 9, and one when I was 16 and pregnant, within a couple of days of going into labor, and a friend of mine (another pregnant teen).. her mother baked me a cake and we had a small 'party' with the three of us.  I almost ate the entire chocolate cake.  And... they let me.  lol  There were other goodies, so I was the big chocolate fiend.  Good memory, though a bit blurry around the edges.

Anyway, birthdays have never really been a big deal since.  Most of the time my birthday just comes and goes.  *shrugs*  But it's the 'what have I accomplished so far' and the 'is it always going to be bad?' and the 'when is it FINALLY going to be over?!' questions that burn in my mind right now.

I mean, when you feel 100 years old, your chronological age ceases to matter.

Still, I am a little disappointed that things turned out so badly when I'd been trying so hard. One minute I think my life is one way and going one direction, then BAM!  Someone else makes a decision that upends my life entirely.  Yay. <----sarcasm.

Anyway, my tired self is going to put the fuzzies in their cages for the evening, bring my dog's bed into my bedroom (as is our nightly routine) so she can sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed..... and try to get some sleep myself.  And I hope, REALLY hope.... that the voices in my head will shut the heck up long enough so I CAN sleep this time.  The bills, the worry, the stress, the anxiety, the loneliness... will simply have to wait for another day.

Nite nite....
.
.
.
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I was really hoping....

...that today... I would have something positive and uplifting, happy or joyful to talk about.  Hope ended up being little more than a huge, heaping, steaming pile of.......

Okay.  Let me try this again.

It's no giant mystery things are hard for me right now.  It's no huge secret that I don't exactly get to eat every day, or that when I do it's oatmeal or something like that.  It's not like I've kept it a secret, totally, that I'm often awake at night worrying about how I'm going to make it, how I'm not going to end up homeless, etc.  And while I recently found, or was rather presented with a "Plan B," it doesn't mean I don't worry.  Because I do.  BOY, do I.

That lack of sleep and poor nutrition means I end up crashing at some point, once or twice a week, with it lasting some 2-3 days...

Late last night, about 9:45pm, my boss texts me and asked if I wanted the opportunity to work today.  OF COURSE I DO.. So I replied with as much and she told me to be in at 7:30am this morning.  That meant getting about 5 hours sleep, because I had to launder the ONE set of scrubs that fits me now.  I need the income badly, so like anyone in my position... I did what I had to do.  I did my laundry and hit the sack.  At the end of a long day with no break (not complaining, mind you), I clock out to go home.  Once at the car I find my doggone cell phone is on 3% batter power, and when I tried to make a call (to my bf).... it kept failing.  This normally doesn't happen on the other side of the bay where I work.  But, so be it.  I drove home, bleary-eyed, exhausted, with a VERY foggy brain.

Stopped to pay my car insurance (was 3 days from cancellation), then to Winn Dixie to use $15 (more) of my rent to get food.  My mind was shutting down, and I know that signal and what it means.  I feel it when I've not eaten right, when I've skipped meals and/or have not gotten enough sleep.  I simply CANNOT make mistakes at work, because in a medical setting---you HAVE to be able to think CLEARLY at all times.  Period.

I got home, ate what little I bought and felt the rush of hardcore aching go through every limb of my body.  I don't know what's going on when this happens, but if I've not eaten in a very long time, when I do eat... it hurts all over for awhile. Then I get so sleepy that I cannot hold my eyes open.

So yeah, I fell asleep.  Big time.

When I woke I didn't realize what time it was and called my BF.  Instantly... I knew he was in one SERIOUSLY foul mood.  When he's like this it's as if seething hatred pours forth from him in abundance.  His voice is hard.  His manner, intolerant.  And he starts complaining, which usually leads to him yelling, eventually screaming, then.... normally I'm hung up on.  But not until after he inflicts as much damage as possible.  Today was no exception.

He began complaining that he couldn't hear me.  This is nothing new since I don't get a good signal in my apartment.  Oddly, the bad signal is always ten times worse when I'm talking to him.  Anyway, my dog began whining softly, a signal that she needs to go out or is hungry.  It was well past her mealtime, so I scooped a cup of dog food and fed her while I was on the phone, and attempted to move my laundry to the dryer.  It wasn't as if I were watching tv or reading a book, or carrying a conversation with someone else while I was on the phone with him.  Though he's done the same thing to me COUNTLESS times, with the exception of the reading a book part.

The complaining and lecture began, with the "F" word peppering every single, solitary sentence he uttered.  He complained, loudly, that he can never hear me, and suggested (as he's done numerous times) that I drive down the road or something to get a better signal... or don't call him at all.

Of the people I speak with on the phone, he is the only one who says things like this to me.  No one asks me to drive down the road and find a better signal.  No one complains about the subject of the conversation.  No one is ever ugly to me (aka hateful/mean) like that.  Only him.

Only.  Him.

And this man has apologized for the horrible things he says, for the way he treats me...only twice in two years, and only ONCE was it a genuine apology.  He always feels justified, always feels he is being hateful and judgmental, even mean... because he has a 'legitimate' reason.  He always says that if I didn't do this, or if I did that, of if I weren't so... well, you see the picture, I'm sure.  Either way, I am ALWAYS to blame.  I 'make' him behave hateful and disrespectful towards me.  According to him.

SO tired of this.

I don't have all my rent for September.  I don't know exactly how I'm going to pay for the things I have to pay for.  I'm hungry most of the time, nearly all of the time.  I have no idea where I'm going to get gas money to make it to work the rest of this week and next.  I'm scared a LOT of the time, though I try to keep it to myself.  I really, REALLY don't need someone being hateful to me on top of it all.

Seriously.... where's the love?

I'm still SO SO SO tired, and I have to get up at 4am again tomorrow.  I'm not sure when I'll get another day off, and I'm already so exhausted that I'm in tears.  But he could care less.  He doesn't ask how my day was, how I'm feeling, etc.  No compassion.  No empathy.  No patience.  No tolerance whatsoever.  NO KINDNESS.  And definitely.. no love.

wtf?

So here goes the rest of this evening.... sad, tired, defeated, disappointed, anxious, stressed, afraid.

He doesn't care about anything but himself.  So be it.  I'm not begging and pleading anymore.  I'm SO exhausted that I can't even cry about this.  It hurts me that he's so cruel and uncaring.  But I can't even bring myself to cry.  I really, really am way too tired to cry.

Due to a temporary change at work means the next week is going to be intense and stressful.  I need my wits about me.  But then....

...quite honestly... some days... I just want to disappear.

But that's another talk show.

Work, Worry, Health MIA

I was going through my iPhone a little while ago looking for pics I hadn't uploaded to Facebook yet, and I ran across some of me from just a few months ago.  Damn.  It's amazing what worry, stress, not eating, malnutrition, insomnia (due to stress/worry), etc. will do to a person.  I mean, I KNOW this happens, and I've seen it happen to others, watched shows on it (back when I had tv).   But I never thought it would happen to me.

But it did.

I looked at photos from 3 months ago, 6 months ago, one year ago... 2 years ago, and I am absolutely SHOCKED at how different I look.  Not just the weight I've put on, but something about my eyes is vastly different.  I look sick/ill, tired, empty.  There is absolutely NO vibrance in the recent pics at all.  In fact, 'fatigued' and 'worn out/haggard' seems to be the common theme in photos these days.  This is why I simply don't take pictures of myself anymore.  And it took 2/3 of my life to be okay with taking any at all.

But this isn't about photos.  It's about what the photos captured.  It worries me, where I am, and where I'm headed.  I'm not afraid of dying at all.  But I am afraid of dying slowly and with pain or suffering.  Either way, the clock is ticking.  I could feel it, but now I can actually SEE it.

I know how I was eating when the earlier pictures were taken.  My life wasn't stress-free by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I was able to eat healthily, take good vitamins, etc., which gave me the energy to exercise, work, LIVE.  But it also gave me the energy to deal with the physical aspects of stress.

Since my diet changed from whole foods to processed, unhealthy foods, when I had to skip meals, sometimes skip eating for days (the longest was a week), then eat ramen noodles or oatmeal or beans, no fruit for days or weeks, no veggies for days or weeks... everything changed.  Bags under my eyes began to appear, my skin became dull, and I've been dealing with mysterious rashes that itch insanely.  And then there's the depression.

I don't work enough hours and gas to get to/from work is about $200/mo on average.  When you only bring home about $600-$700 per month in income and your gas costs you $200 per month... you're in deep shit, my friends.

Most would say... "So suck it up and get a second job!!!"  Yeah, if it were only that easy.  Wake up, people, those of you who give advice NOT based on experience.  We are STILL in a bad BAD way in this economy, and there are people with 4 year degrees competing for the crap job those of us with 2 year degrees (or no degree at all) are fighting like hell for.  Many of us are falling through the cracks.  I'm one of them.

And here's the thing: when you've gone without food, especially good food, for this long, when you can no longer sleep and feel positively sick/ill most of the time, when the depression sinks its teeth into you.... it's a HUGE feat to just sit through one of those godawful 1-2 hour long application processes that most of these companies use now.  You're not even human to them anymore, so the folks that own the companies, run the companies, do the hiring... are SO far removed from the human aspect of it all that you, even to the person you're face-to-face with (if you're lucky to get that far).....only see you as a number, one of the many, all lumped into one giant blur at the end of the day.

This sort of thing sucks the life right out of a person.  It sucked the life out of me, that's for sure.  And I have the photos to prove it.

It's hard to be motivated for work when your boss really could care less if you make enough to live on.  When there are hours available to hand out and they're handed out to the boss's buddies..... well, it often means you force yourself to show up for your shift.  And you can't help but know that the first couple of hours you work that day are JUST to pay for your gas to and from work that day.  And when you're only scheduled for 4 hours.... well, you see the problem.

No wonder I look and feel like shit.

I miss the healthy me.  I do remember her.  I've not lost sight of who I was, nor am I in the dark about who I am right now.  I'm a mere shadow of who I was a few months ago.  And well, to be fair, the change in me isn't only about the job and finances....  there's another giant factor....

....but that's for another post entirely.

Kate Earl ~ You can't Treat me That Way

The 'weekend' continues....

So here it is... Saturday.  The first 'storm' blew over, or so I thought, but a new one began within minutes of me getting off work.  The first person I call is the one I want to talk to most, the one I want to share joy with... and so I did just that.  But that joy died a swift and painful death.  One minute I was on the phone and happy as can be, and the next.. I'm talking to myself.  I hear the sound of the 'hang up' on my iPhone....

So I call him back thinking it was a mistake.  I'm still pretty happy at this point.  I called a couple of times and the VM kept picking up.  Long story short.... he hung up on me.  For the 1,000,000,000,000th time.

So what the hell did I do?.... THIS time?

I still don't know.  But the details of the txt msgs and such really aren't important for this post, because the bottom line is: This happens every single solitary weekend.  AND... nearly every single time I'm super happy.  Trust me on this.  Being happy.... means I end up crying.

I got a few extra hours today and was SO glad.  I got to see my favorite patient today and was thrilled.   There were a couple more 'joyous' moments, but my point here is that these joys aren't allowed to last very long.. unless I keep them to myself.

So he broke up with me.  He said that he wasn't going to be 'available' to me much anymore and complained that I have 'stuff' to do and suggested I do that stuff and leave him alone.  So.... let me explain what my 'stuff' is....

I live alone.  I have a basset hound and three ferrets, which means I have chores.  I have regular household chores as well.  I have to walk my dog so she can go, feed her, fill food and water bowls, clean litter areas, etc.  At some point in the day I need to take a shower, especially if I've worked and handled a lot of pets that day.  I have to change clothes when I get home from work, and hopefully.. if I'm very lucky... I get to eat.  Somewhere in that 24 hours I have to get sleep, because I am 49 years old (50 end of next month) and don't have the stamina of a 20 year old.  I NEED to sleep, and most of the time I'm getting about 5 hours a day because I stay up talking to him (which he says isn't enough).  I feel like crap, look like crap... but I do it.  Some days.. it catches up with me and my body forces me to sleep (it's not a healthy).

My 'stuff' consists of everyday chores that most people have to deal with.  However, most people have a significant other or kids or roommate to share the household duties.  I don't.  I have to do it myself or it doesn't get done.

I work outside the home.  He doesn't.  He can sleep in the middle of the day if he needs to.  He can sleep in half the day if he wants to.  I can't do this.  When I'm at work I'm at work.  And the health and safety of the pets at work are first and foremost when I'm there, and I can't be 100% on the job if I haven't slept in days.

He said he doesn't care anymore.  He says that a lot.  When will I actually allow myself to BELIEVE those words?

It's the weekend, and my weekends suck for the most part.  It's hard enough worry about income and the possibility of being homeless, being hungry all the time with no food money, being sleepy and tired and lonely...

How much more can I take?

I don't know.

It's Friday again. The Friday-Meanness.....

Friday.  This is the one day of the week most people look forward to, even if they have to work the weekend.  For me, Friday is just another day of the week, and one that (in one respect) makes it one of the worst days.  It would be nice if that weren't the case.

For some time now Fridays have been.... trying.  I often allow myself to look forward to them but am usually disappointed.  There is a pattern, one that isn't even mine... but one that greatly affects me.  I can't change the pattern because, well, the pattern and behavior(s) are that of someone else.  And we know we can't change other people.

I'm exhausted today (Friday) so I'm not terribly optimistic.  The day began VERY badly because I got my ass chewed for not knowing how to do something.  And this something is something you CANNOT do unless you know how.  This is what I get for offering to help someone who isn't willing to help me help them.  I'm screamed at, hung up on, and all because I don't know how to do this particular job/task.  It's involved, VERY involved, and not something that can be done quickly or easily.. even if you DO know how.

I should be focusing more on MY situation, but instead.. I volunteered my time to help someone.  I'm not asking for anything in return, not even money.  But this does help this person's business in a huge way.  But seriously... it's taking hours and hours of trial and error and reading tutorials, phone calls, research.... and I STILL don't know how to do this.

But I'm not going to focus on that one thing.  The real topic here is why one person in my life seems to get mean as a rattlesnake EACH AND EVERY FRIDAY.  WTF?

THIS week, aside from the train-myself thing, there's this other recurring issue that really is quite the double-edged sword... talk, or the lack thereof.

I've never been able to talk easily.  I often don't know what to say or how to say it and know I'm boring so don't really have much of anything interesting to say.  But given that, I do try.  Over time, since childhood, I've struggled with this and often just resigned myself to listening more than talking.  At 49 yrs old it's a huge part of who I am.  The balance to that... I get excited about something and often say too much, talk too much.  Either way.. both scenarios are annoying to some people, my BF included.

Before I sent this text I called him.  No answer.  Then I text him, and he wrote back that he was in the tub.  Rather than call and talk to me.. he continued to text.  He was making jokes about a particular thing, and I was responding with "LOL" or other short little responses... because I didn't know what else to say.  If we had been on the phone I would have laughed and said "you're so silly.'  But I guess my texts weren't interesting enough or amusing enough, and the Friday-Meanness continues.

The last text I received was:  "Well, my word count greatly out weighs yours so I am off to amuse myself."

Every.  Single.  Freakin'.  Friday.  WHY the hell can't I be allowed to have ONE happy weekend without drama???  I had a really good day at work despite the ass chewing that happened immediately before I left for work.  I didn't get to share any of that with my BF because he's apparently not interested in that.

"...so I'm off to amuse myself" pretty much says it all, doesn't it?  "I" wasn't "amusing" enough.  But then, I guess I didn't realize I was kept around for amusement.

Well alrighty then.  I guess I'll just continue finishing my laundry for work tomorrow and go to bed.  I do have to get up and work so I need to keep focusing on my life.  I'm too tired this evening to stress out over whether or not I happen to be amusing enough for him to be kind to me.

*sigh*

So what is it about me you DO like?

It's been a long, difficult road.  I show you love, give you love, and make sure you don't go a day without knowing how I feel about you.  And yet, the level of disrespect you show me is astounding and often brings me to my knees.

I call to talk to you because I miss you, love you, care about you, and am interested in your life and how your day is going.  But too many times you find a reason, ANY reason... to hang up on me.

When I reach out to you, when I'm feeling down, when I most need someone to care... you turn cold, uncaring, and down-right mean.  I simply do not understand......

I just don't understand.