The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

Write. Read. Delete. Repeat.

Such is the case in this blog and always has been.  This is the place where I have exposed my heart of hearts, my spirt, and my soul.  When I dare to be blunt about the thoughts in my head or the feelings I have those entries here are often deleted.  Not always, but sometimes.  I guess you might wonder why that is.  I suppose if you reach for something and get your hand slapped enough times.. you stop reaching; at least that's what I did.

Pouring my heart out used to be easy for me.  With all my emotions on my sleeve (most of the time) I was an open book.  Hiding my emotions wasn't something I did across the board but under the proper circumstances, and with utmost care.  However, one of the relationships I was in taught me to mistrust, to close and lock-down my feelings to where I no longer felt safe expressing them.  Eventually, I would learn to not allow anyone to even know I had blogs, much less give them the url's so they could read them.

Mistrust is quite powerful.

I long to be that open and trusting again, and perhaps I will get there if I keep trying.  In the meantime I hold back, and I hold back a lot.  There's so much to say and share here, but I have to UN-LEARN a learned behavior, and I've not yet figured out just how to do that.

In a perfect world I could pour all of my experiences, thoughts, dreams, wishes, rants and ravings upon these virtual pages and go on about my business.  In a perfect world.

I'm going to find a way to fix this...

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

Here We Go

By now you guys probably understand that I'm existing in that Prednisone fog.  It's intense, and it's not exactly a good time being on this stuff... and it's exceptionally awful coming off.  Once again, just a brief reminder that I will most likely reference this fact often, because it's overwhelmingly JUST THERE as a backdrop to everything I do or attempt to do.  But having said that, I'm dealing with one day at a time, and most days.. one hour at a time, and having sliced the 24 hours in unequal parts means things are truly at a level of chaos unlike anything I've ever known.

Nausea now.  Here it is in all it's glory, the beginning of Cushing's Syndrome-like effects, mostly unavoidable even when tapering slowly.  Bear with me, because if I have anything to say it's going to be filtered through this experience.  I can't promise it will be pleasant, but I can promise it will be truthful, real, and about as raw as you'll ever see me.

So, not to underestimate the power of steroid withdrawal, I simply face my thoughts and feelings on a case by case basis and hope for the best.  Is it moodiness that makes me think this or that, is it reality squared?  Do I ignore my feelings and tell myself "It's the prednisone"?  Nah.  Really, what mostly happens on this stuff is that the filters break down and allow everything to rise to the surface, unfettered by social graces. haha.  Of course I have some control over it and can maintain some semblance of balance in my perceptions, etc.  But I'm also finding it refreshing in a way to actually SEE and FEEL things on a very real level, even if it's unpleasant at times.

It's really weird, but I find myself facing things head-on that I would usually shrink away from in order to avoid any unpleasantness.  In fact, last night I had someone who I've known for many years say something completely out-of-line and hateful on social media, snarky... bitchy... just really blatantly rude.  A pre-prednisone me would've gotten her feelings hurt and simply left the conversation to die and wither on its own.  I would've walked away, licked my wounds and distracted myself with other matters until the hurt feelings passed.  Oh, but not last night...

Last night another, bolder me rose to the surface and in just a few words let that person know she was being mean, ugly, and asked her WHY.  Not for MY sake, mind you, but so she had to face her own ugliness.  Keeping it simple and VERY blunt I got my point across and actually had someone come to my defense, the very person who began the thread in the first place.  A thread, mind you, that had nothing to do with what that ugly person was talking about.  She basically just took a shot at me for no reason.  It's okay, though, because my give-a-shutter is a bit broken right now and I'm able to speak my mind without regret.  No, I'm not being mean or ugly.  I simply spoke the truth in question form and let HER emotional machine deal with it all.  Not my circus, not my monkeys... as they say.

I'm a little done with being a pushover, too-soft, and too much of an introvert that people walk all over me.  Maybe this is my chance to grow a stronger backbone so I can continue to rise above any BS that comes my way.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  I will still be me, just a little tougher than before.

Worth a shot anyway.   I'm nobody's tool.

Limbo

For anyone curious, I'm back to mostly splitting my posts between the blogs, sorted by relevance.  I like being able to look back and remember where I was in what capacity, without looking through an endless potpourri of thoughts and events.

I've spent the morning drinking coffee and spilling my guts upon these 'pages,' wondering why the hell this medication (prednisone) MUST make me feel so damn off, a little depressed, swinging from motivated to just too damn painful to walk.  Hell, I don't have any answers, so I just let my feelings crash upon the pages until I can at least figure out what the hell to do.

The house is quiet.  My choice.  Just quiet today.  No music pouring from the Bose... just the sound of a small, ticking clock nearby... and typing.  Coffee as fuel, and the inner turmoil of prednisone hell.  Yeah, yeah.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it really is rather overwhelming at this time, especially since I've dropped down another 5mg.  What will the effects be this time, I wonder?

Next week I see the pulmonologist.  Last appointment I had revealed mild COPD and many lung changes since the first CT.  In 3 months time things got a bit worse for my lungs, but that was BEFORE the prednisone!  I wonder at this time if the prednisone will actually help my lungs and keep the nodules and focal thickening from becoming worse?  Seems my breathing is better, and with less wheezing than before.  Could be, could very well be the anti-inflammatory effects of this very powerful corticosteroid.  We will see.  Not sure if the Dr. will order another CT to check things.  But we will see.

I see the hepatologist again on the 25th.  He may order labs to check my liver enzymes, etc.  I'm not sure what will happen medication-wise.  I hate the prednisone side effects, but I hate the idea of a flare-up even worse.  Ugh.  We'll see what he decides.

Dammit.  I feel like I'm in limbo.  Could very well be that my cortisol levels are low and making me feel low as well.

*sigh*

I have so much to say, really.... and I'm just not saying it.  Maybe a bit later when I can realistically deal with what I'm feeling.  Maybe after I get a few things done around the house... Need to make the main office room ready for an exercise bike---a huge expense, but a necessary expense IMHO.  There's already a new tv and blu-ray player for the room, and now all that needs done is to shuffle things about to make a space for something that's going to help me immensely.

... yeah... there's that.

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

Crave

I do, but I don't know what.

Dammit.

Never mind.

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

I can't believe I actually did this

Okay, so.. there was this 'ad' on FB about something called "My Social Book."  Curious, I checked into it and discovered that it's actually a company who makes a hard copy of your FB experience! lol Well, at first I thought.. naaaaaaaah.  But then I read some comments others made about it and thought I'd give it a look.  Glad I did, actually.

One can spend a tremendous amount of money getting this book made, depending on how far back you want to go.  The limit is about 500 pages, which can cost a bit over $100.00..  however, you can get the smallest version for roughly $20 + tax. And that's exactly what I did.

I opted for the soft-cover version to save money, but it's actually pretty nice.  You get to choose your 'cover' and pic you want on the front, and you have some control over what's printed, and YOU choose the time frame if you're doing more than one year.

It was kind of funny, parts of it, and other parts are sweet....

Overall, I'm glad I did this. :)

I mean, how can you go wrong remembering all the stupid, hilarious memes you posted, right? hahaha  But seriously, there's more 'substance' there than what shows on this particular page.. which I chose because I found the contents hilarious.

Either way, I would actually recommend people doing this if there's anything you want to place in a keepsake.  I'm really digging mine and am considering getting one from 2013, and maybe one from my old profile from back in 2010, 2011... just not sure yet.

Oh, and your stickers and emojis also show up on these pages.  I mean, pretty much everything when it comes right down to it.

Again... very glad I did this.

No regrets.  :D

Did you really think I could just forget?

I think I'm spreading myself too thin at times, posting on several blogs in order to compartmentalize my thoughts into a neat, tidy little group of online sources that I can visit in retrospect.  While it helps on some level, I'm left a bit exhausted at times.  Like today.  So very exhausted.

All things are transient, ever-changing...

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

What I learned

Every experience I've had has taught me more than I really wanted to learn, and it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows.  The good stuff wouldn't be recognized as 'good' if there weren't any basis for comparison.  While I grit my teeth and muddle through the bad, I still dream of a future where the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Is that just asking too much?

NO!

I can only take so much.

The sticking point for me these days is a past that comes back to haunt me.  As I've said before, closure in situations of loss is necessary, no matter WHAT people try to tell me (and themselves).  You can't push it aside, or bury it deep, or completely ignore it because it absolutely WILL drag you down to the depths of hell-on-earth while you may be completely oblivious to the signs.

I am well aware of why I can't get closure.  I've been told why, but it was unnecessary.  It took a few steps, introspection, and I had to take a huge step back to see the truth.  When it finally came into focus I was completely taken aback by the sheer force of what I was shown.  My God, how did I not SEE???!!

All that confusion, all that not knowing who the hell he was from one day to the next, all that unrecognizable behavior, the words, the everything.  I didn't question, and that was my first mistake.  I put the rose-colored glasses on and blissfully went through the world in a daze of utter ignorance to my situation, of who and what I was dealing with.  Oh, I've stopped asking myself WHY I did it, because I've gone past that and know better now.  But I still have so many times when I mourn the loss of that person...

Mourning still because there wasn't anyone to say goodbye to.  Why?... because I fell in love with someone who didn't exactly exist! 

This revelation, when it came, knocked the wind out of me and created a sense of loss unlike anything I'd ever known.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why did it take so long to let go?  Why does it still haunt me today?  The reason is stated clearly above, and it's impossible to say goodbye to someone who never existed in the first place.

So who the f**k did I fall in love with?  Not sure, really, as I didn't exactly get to know him that well except for the dark stuff.

How did I manage to move on?... Well I've not moved on totally, which means I haven't moved on.  Strange as it may sound BOTH are true.

I just keep working through it--the confusion.  I mean, what else is there to do?  There was never any closure to allow me to move to the next level and stay there.  The grieving process for breakups is the same as when someone dies, and the process is rather circular... at least for a time.  Back and forth you go through the stages until you reach the final stage that sets you free--acceptance.  While I ACCEPTED the situation for what it is, accepting the breakup isn't exactly what happened, because I'd no idea WHO it was I broke up with.  The person I was in love with changed SO drastically that it took my breath away--and in all the WRONG ways, I assure you.

The less I recognized him the more confused I became, and a part of me continued to search for the person I'd fallen in love with.  This was the cycle I was trapped in while still with him.  While blindsided by the behavior, the sneaking around, and so forth... I still forgave because I was erroneously convinced that he was still the person I fell in love with.  Yet, I didn't SEE anything at all that I actually recognized!  Nothing at all.  The face was the same.  The voice was the same.  But everything else---NOT at all recognizable.

Look, I know people go through events and situations in their lives that change them for a short time; but eventually they get back to themselves again.  Also, the person they are shines through despite what's happening and the resulting behavior etc changes.  I get this.  I've gone through it myself.  However, the absence of ANYTHING recognizable in that person was the most perplexing part of the whole thing, leaving me to ask inwardly and often.... "WHO are you??!!"

I still learned much from the ordeal, and I know exactly what I won't deal with ever again.  I also know exactly what I want.  No one is perfect, and I don't expect perfection, but I do know what's right for me... now.

More on this later....

Settings change for 'adult content'

First let me say the settings we changed due to some subject matter which will be discussed occasionally.  While I work on talking openly about issues that NEED addressing, some of those issues are going to be sexual in nature.  I think it only fair to warn you guys.

Many of you won't care as I've had these settings in place before.  I removed the settings and decided not to talk of anything 'sensitive' some time back, and I did this due to an increasing necessity to protect myself by withholding much of what's going on within and without.

Things are changing, and I'm fully planning on going with the flow here.  If you can hang---cool.  If you can't hang---I certainly understand.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted.  And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....

It's becoming ever clearer to me that I have to take back my life.  I resolved a few years ago to not allow another guy treat me badly, and somewhere along the way... I've become my best advocate.  How did I manage to get that right?  ;)  It's all good, because I know what's needed and just have to get to the task of implementing the things I know that work.  The lessons learned by a therapist I spoke to a few years ago have become invaluable and necessary.

Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist.  A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did.  While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life.  I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.

People cause harm in many ways, right?  But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done.  The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level.  I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest.  Go figure.  I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.

Intention.  So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation.  We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another.   No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"

My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days.  In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself.  And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me.  Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone.  I'm more than okay with this, btw.

Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness.  I never EVER ask "Does he love me?"  Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now.  I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence.  No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent.  And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive.  I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.

If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health.  It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.'  But what does this mean, exactly?

A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything.  You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence.  It's unmistakable if you're paying attention.  Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc.  I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong.  Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.

I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.

When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:

This is a big peeve of mine.  Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying.  Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN?  Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation?  I will never understand this as long as I live.  Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words!  I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.

In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood.  I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying.  And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so.  There are always other people to talk to.  People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need.  And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.

This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course.  All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with.  The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me.  One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.

..... Part II coming next.

Blast from the past

I guess it's kind of weird, really, that my dreams bring in people I knew some 20 years ago.  Weird, but not at all bad.  I think the last really awesome guy I ever dated was back when I worked at the Biloxi Belle in Biloxi, MS. It's a memory I don't actually visit, but one that visits me.  I don't feel melancholy or sad, but I do think it's strange.  I won't even begin to guess what it means, because I think that it has a lot less to do with HIM than it does with ME, who I am, who I was, and who I should be.  Back then I was able to be who I was without any seemingly limiting people around me.  Gosh, that was so very long ago, and during a time when my decisions were mostly the right ones.

In the wake of a 12 hour night

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

PART I: Deciphering Indifference: Don't waste my time

It's a chronic problem with T.  It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever.  People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are.  The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart.  It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own.  It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you... FEEL.  And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.

Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.

When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual.  Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting.  Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively.  That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing.  But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.

I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.

Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening.  On the contrary.  I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself.  If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer.  At least not to me.

While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.

Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...

In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health.  It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.

Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert.  With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are.  A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side.  Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.

Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me.  I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT.  I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air.  Literally gasping for air.  This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep.  But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on.  He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.

I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help.  I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER.  Was it concerning?  Of course it was!  But I believed it would pass.  And it did.. after I fell asleep.  I was exhausted by the experience.  Utterly exhausted.

The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before.  What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what.  But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary.  This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.

T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin.  He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time.  I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.

Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent."  He's not plugged in.  He's not at all invested.  And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on.  He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way.  *sigh*

There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health.  It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.

I'm exhausted.  Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare.  If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!