I can hear it in my dreams.

What was.  What should be.  What was lost.  What is.  An unsettling representation of what I'd rather not think about, a rejected idea of what life is supposed to be.

I sometimes see images online, hear stories from people, stories that pique my curiosity in that I see and hear I can't connect with in any real way.  "So this is life?" is the outcome, the question that remains unanswered but accepted just the same.  My reality, my life doesn't in any way reflect what I see out there in the world.  This kind of thinking only leads to a pointless series of "What if?" scenarios that didn't, nor will ever, ever happen in what remains of my lifetime.  Such a useless response, isn't it?  I definitely think so.

I've gotten to where I really hate dreaming.  I hate waking up from them even more, to be honest.  Again, I find them completely useless.

Damn.  When will the clouds lift?

Migraine...

Just when I thought I would be writing about something OTHER than this whole Prednisone experience, I end up with symptoms that will land me in bed the entire day.  It's a good thing I like coffee, because when it comes to migraines... coffee does help.

Then there's the nausea.  With prednisone withdrawal and migraine comes nausea.  It's a very bad day, I can tell you.

I took the 5mg dosage for the day, gagged down a little food (you MUST take Prednisone with food), and am praying that little bit will ease the headache.  So far, the headache is a little better than it was when I woke up, but I don't know if it will return when the Pred leaves my system (had a very short half life).  I can only hope and pray and leave my bed un-made and waiting.  Trust me, I'm going to end up back in bed VERY soon.

I'm also freezing.  This was also the case yesterday, and it's been like this off and on for the past week; also another side effect of Pred withdrawal.  There's just so many of them, and NONE of them are even remotely pleasant.  I'm waiting to find out from my doctor if I can taper off more slowly... much more slowly.  I can't just be an invalid until my adrenal glands catch up.  That won't work at all.

So how in the world am I handling this?  I'm not.  Just being honest here---but I'm not handling this at all.  Am I trying?  Sure.  Of course I'm trying, and I'm trying as much as my body will allow.  That's the best I can do; that and forgive myself for not being capable of doing the things that need done.  My animals are well taken care of, so that's the most important thing.  Dishes can wait.  Sweeping can weight.  The rest is incidental.

What I'd really like to see happen today is the cessation of this migraine (totally), allergies calm down so I can breathe better, and to be able to relax, actually relax.

...I'd also like a new pillow.

What is worth more than this day?

I've been blog by blog, fueled by a little too much coffee this morning.  And yet I feel accomplished as I discover that, once again, my mind has cleared a little (thanks to the Prednisone??) and I'm able to get my thoughts out.  My other blogs, well all of them, are being filled with ideas, expectations, hope, contemplations... and I am feeling uplifted for the moment...

It's another day.  It's another day living with an autoimmune disease that is far from reaching remission.  I know the deal, summon the patience needed to accept the situation and it's processes, the time it will take to reach remission.  1-2 years.  I can do this if I focus.  Yes, there will be good days and bad days and struggles and set-backs, but there will also be victories.  It is what it is.

Acceptance.

Today began a little rough, not feeling well in the least.  However, and maybe not the best idea, I used a bit of extra caffein to boost myself to the next level here.  It worked.  So far it worked.  I can't do this every day, obviously not healthy, but I can do it when I need to.

Today is a good day.  And I'm going to get some things done.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Always.  But that's life, isn't it?  In the meantime I will take advantage of what energy I have, even if it is caffein-induced, and I will use it for what needs done.  Oh but I would love to have a take-it-easy kind of day, actually NEED that.  But not today.  Not today.

So I will listen to music, have this last cup of coffee, and find the drive and determination to complete tasks that are, quite frankly, not the easiest things for me right now.

I'm tired.  So tired.  But today is a good day.  And I'll take that.

Post-heart cath procedure

All's well with the plumbing.  Electrical was address last year.  As far as other functionality, I still need to address the diastolic dysfunction, and of course... keep an eye on the MVP w/regurgitation, the valve issues, etc.  Just a watch and wait thing. :)

As an aside, I discovered something interesting yesterday that somewhat surprised me.  Xanax rocks.  rofl.  Never had the stuff before, but they give you one w/Benedryl as pre-meds prior to the cath procedure.  That didn't happen the first time I had a cath, so... I had no idea what the big deal was about people liking Xanax.  Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, it breaks your give-a-shitter.  lol ;p  Just useless information I find funny.  I'm actually quite glad they gave me that, because half of the meds they use for conscious sedation is morphine---which I'm allergic to.  And, just like the transjugular liver biopsy I had last week... I was awake!  Ugh.  And DAMN did that lidocaine hurt like a mofo when it was injected in the area surrounding my femoral artery!  GEEZ.  Not a fan of that, btw.

Just saying.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

A Beautiful Mess

I often think; here is this unrecognizable person in a completely unrecognizable life.  What do I do about finding my place.  Dear God, but this is a common topic, isn't it?  There's a reason for that, and that reason is quite simple; I've yet to know the answer.

Monday-Friday are the easiest days of the week, the best days really.  I'm alone, but that gives me a moment to take a deep breath and try to navigate on this crumpled map whose lines and defining points have faded or become too abused to be read anymore.  If I'm to find my way it will require intuiting and an enormous amount of courage.  Without a sense of direction there's no telling where I'll end up when I reach the unknowable destination.  I guess I'm okay with that, though.

One thing I can say is that I can clearly see my destination.  Well, okay.. most of it.  But I see enough to know where I should be.  And isn't that really what we need to know?  Isn't that the most important information of all?  I certainly think so.

So many plans; so many thoughts and dreams colliding all at once.  It's a beautiful mess.

The Beautiful Face of Good Health

I tend to scatter my thoughts, experiences, opinions, and everything that passes from my mind to the virtual 'page' between my blogs.  It's just the way it is since I've promised some to not delete any of my blogs.  Fragments of the whole picture of my life, thus, remain scattered here.  But then, each entry is a story in and of itself.  In so many ways... it's just better this way.

IV iron infusion part 1 is next week, and the second treatment is 7 days after.  Sleep study the other night was revealing in ways that gave me hope.  Progress is often non-linear and chaotic.  But wouldn't it be nice if everything in life was precisely ordered?  No.. even I don't believe that.  Chaos is just nature's way.

While I don't have obstructive sleep apnea, I have another form.  Okay.  So there's a treatment for that, one that has been proven with just one night at the sleep center.  Who knew CPAP could make that much of a difference?

I'm on my way.

I'm a bit on the tired side again today (no home CPAP until tonight), so this is short and... a little flat, I'm sure.

....there is still so much to talk about....

The Big [E]Vent...

Well, such is the way things go for me and blogging, I spent a large portion of time and energy posting on Where Fireflies Dream.  Many times I end up there first, which means the unloading happens in it's full-blown glory before I get here.  Just check the links (side of this page) that says Alter Egos.  Those are my other blogs, as I've mentioned before...

So the big [e]vent happened and I'm left spent, exhausted, and wondering if I really accomplished anything at all.  I'm also wondering how many people think I should be doing the big 'vent' to the person who needs to hear it.  Well, I assure you, I have been quite clear on how I feel, discussing the problems I have with the way things are, and stating clearly that my needs as a person simply aren't being met in any way, shape or form.  And oh honey, those words fell on completely deaf ears.  People are often emotionally lazy, and T... is one of those people.  He won't put any effort into anything, so... flipping the switch to autopilot and sitting on one's own emotional ass will get you nowhere with me.  I will simply find a way to live my life... without you.

This is the beginning of that very thing.

Hey, I know some guys don't do this, and even the ones who do don't all do it to the same degree.  But emotional laziness never got anyone anywhere.  I mean, seriously... if you expect one person to do all the work, you're going to be in serious trouble in the end.

50/50.  But in my case it's more like 20/80.  And I'm freaking exhausted.  Okay, T.. take the damn wheel or you'll be flying alone!  And chronic remorse isn't going to fix this.

Okay, so I'm finding my way along and, although I struggle at times, I'm still plugging forward.  I will find a way.  I will find my life.  And I WILL find me again.  It's just a matter of time.  Once the anemia is resolved, and once I get an "All clear" from my cardiologist on the whole Grade 2 Diastolic Dysfunction thing... I'm going to put everything I have into getting healthy again.  Iron supplementation may make it difficult, and restoring iron stores takes a really long time.  But I can do this.  I MUST do this.  I WILL DO THIS.

Watch and see.

Damn thing won't stop beeping

Day 2 with the heart monitor, and it just won't stop beeping.  Okay, so there are pauses, but there have been SO many... I didn't get this many when I had SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.  Weird.  For those who don't know how an event monitor works, you basically wear a portable EKG that comes with a monitor that records everything your heart does, and a wireless communicator that sends the information to the monitoring center.  Yes, you're actually monitored the entire time, 24/7, by real people.  This is not the same thing as a Holter monitor where you have the recorder only.

So when an 'event' occurs, one that you know of, you hit the button at the top of the monitor to mark the EKG, then the communicator asks what happened (palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), then it asks what you were doing when it happened (nothing, walking, exercising, etc.).  And whether or not you FEEL what happens, 'they' know..and it's recorded anyway and uploaded to the monitoring center's software.

When I speak of 'beeps,' there are actually 2 that happen during the event.  The first beep says something is happening and being recorded (blinking green light goes solid)...which takes approximately a minute, and the second beep says that event has been marked and is being uploaded (alternating blinking green and blue lights).  Nothing on the communicator asks you to state what happened or what you were doing because, if you didn't push the button, you're not aware anything happened anyway.

Basically, it beeps often when I'm standing, and it beeps nearly every time I bend over to pick something up off the floor.  It's also been beeping while laying down (like last night), and also when I'm just sitting and talking to someone.  This is not the way this usually goes for me, so I don't know what it's picking up.  Possibly PVCs, which most people have and aren't often aware of.  Thing is... I've never had a monitor go off as much as I have the past 24 hrs.  I have to wear this for 4 days, and it's procedure as a one year follow-up after a cardiac ablation.  It's meant to make sure episodes of the arrhythmia(s) aren't happening and determines wether or not the ablation(s) was/were successful or not.

Now, I have iron deficiency anemia, and it's NOT being treated.  So that could possibly explain anything my heart is doing.  Or it could be something related to the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction I've recently be diagnosed with.  Not sure.  Honestly, I first thought I had a defective monitor, but the monitoring center ALWAYS knows if something's wrong and calls to recalibrate or decide if they need to send another monitor.  So far, no calls.  This is good in that nothing serious is happening. ;)

I know.  Blah blah blah.  I will get to more personal matters later on.

Does knowing help?

So I've really unloaded on one of my alter ego blogs, if you guys are interested in reading.  It's on Where Fireflies Dream.  All the info regarding my appt with the specialist yesterday, findings, etc., etc., and even a bit of an unloading of things on a personal side of things.  I'm not sure what I'll have left for ATE, but I will try.  Forgive me if it all comes out more as musings than actual accounts of what transpired yesterday--all of that has been purged to the other blog.

I feel a bit like I'm standing on a cliff over a wide expanse of beach and ocean.  No.  Not really.  That's simply my desire.  Where I actually am is in a vast and vacant desert of which no life can sustain.  It's temporary and will last about as long as it takes to process the information I received from the doctor yesterday.  Though, being scared at the moment is hard to shake, I'll admit fully.  I mean, how can you just receive news like that and not be affected?  I'm shaken, and that will likely pass in time.

I'm waiting at the moment for yet more blood work results that will, or will not, or suggest, etc. if one of the major things I'm dealing with is Myositis/Polymyositis.  I'm praying that will NOT be the case, that my Aldolase is significantly elevated for another reason, that the unbelievable muscle weakness I have is due to something else entirely, that all these awful symptoms will be explained away easily and be the effects of something else entirely.  Hell, at least if it's autoimmune hepatitis it can be managed, and worse case scenario... a transplant is needed if it's gone on too long and did too much damage.  Hell, at this point there's nothing in my blood work to show there's liver 'damage,' just the implication that the liver is in terrible distress for some reason.  But Myositis/Polymyositis... a much more bleak scenario.  Then there's the great possibility of an ulcer...

I have an endoscopy and another colonoscopy scheduled in 4 weeks, and a liver biopsy may be needed (yet to be determined).

This is what I have to work through, and do so alone.  No siblings or relatives I can talk to, get encouragement from, no one to make happy memories with really (that's explained more fully on Where Fireflies Dream.. alter ego blog links are in the side menu).

So what now? What do I do, where do I start, how do I not lose it a little bit until I can wrap my head around what may be happening, what my doctor is convinced is happening?  How do I do this alone and in a city where I still don't know anyone?

Feeling poorly so have to sign off and find some happy thing to focus on, watch something on the boob tube that will make me laugh.  Damn, wish I just had someone, a friend, who knows me well and that I can talk to...

Until next time...

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

It's not something you feel. It's something you DO.

Love.

I listen to the stories of others and feel their confusion.  Their pain.  Their bewilderment.  The despair threaded through the last decaying blooms of hope.  And I recognize so much of what they're going through.  I'm powerless to help, but I can listen, and I can tell them what I learned.

When it happens to someone close, a family member, someone going through health issues, it's 100 times more heartbreaking.  And my fierce protectiveness rises up and I feel like a protective warrior willing to take the pain, the wounds, every emotional hit and bleed until I'm spent.  But it never really happens like that, does it?  Dammit.  But I would.  Oh, but I would.

I see the signs and recognize the hateful phrases and hurtful behaviors in her.  I'm glad he's tough, and I'm glad to see his self-esteem isn't trashed like mine was, and still is in many ways.  I raised my sons to be strong inside, yet gentle and kind, respectful.  I suppose those are the ones who end up getting the worst of it sometimes.

I don't get in the middle of their marriage and never will.  It's not my place.  I don't treat her badly, because that's wrong.  But if she abuses him further.. I won't remain quiet for much longer.  I keep my peace for his sake.  High blood pressure and an ulcer at such a young age is telling, and the erratic, crazy behavior, the uncaring attitude she displays... isn't going to bode well for her.

I did warn him to day to protect his health and his life, because this is not the same thing as taking a bullet to save your child or loved one.  You simply don't risk a heart attack or stroke or bleeding ulcer (or worse if it doesn't heal!) by staying with someone who isn't on board with your getting healthy!

He said she gets angry if his stomach is painful and he chooses not to go out do something she wants to do.  She gets angry because he has to eat a low-sodium diet and doesn't eat pizza or something else that will harm his health.  When he does things to take care of his health, when he chooses to eat right, not eat or drink things that will harm his health... she gets angry and tells him.. "It's always about you!"  I mean, what the actual hell??!!

And... she's taken to yelling at him for, of all things, paying his child support!

One of his friends works on a pipeline and is possibly being promoted soon.  If that happens, he will be putting a crew together, and he stated my son would be perfect for his crew.  This would mean traveling for work for my son.

I hope my son gets this job.

Well, tomorrow is it...

The house closing is tomorrow and...I'm super excited to be moving out of the city.  It's busy here, and I guess I've grown far to used to the serenity of the neighborhood I lived in while in Mobile, AL. I miss that neighborhood so much, having lived there about 10 years.  Hopefully this little private drive will be just as peaceful.  No through traffic, one way in/out... and not that many houses.  And, the house sits on a bluff.  No, I'm not bluffing.

In the summertime it's covered in kudzu... something that I believe is taking over the south (lol), and in the Winter... it withers and opens up the view even more.  Basically, the landscaped backyard comes to a halt at one point, and needless to say.. it's not a place you want to wander out drunk, especially in the dark! lol  I wouldn't advise wandering out there in the dark sober either. haha  That's one SERIOUS drop, folks! ;p

The deck will be refinished over the next few weeks, as the paint and a few other things get done.  But I honestly can't wait to get hold of that sunroom!!!!  That will be a topic for another day.

This is one of the back corners of the 'back yard' as far as one can take a photo without falling off into that abyss. lol (again, just a photo from the listing). going to be my oasis, my place where all the decompression happens.

And I love the way the deck wraps around the sunroom so that there's a little deck on one side, and a larger deck on the other side (showing in the photo to the left.

I'm loving this already. :)

Last but not least... the bedroom set for the master bedroom was ordered this past weekend. :D  Headboard/footboard, dresser w/mirror, 2 nightstands, and 2 lamps you see in the photo.  Already have the contractor trying to match the paint on the walls in the photo, and I've been looking for the 'natural' look curtains....  yeah, I'm somewhat trying to recreate this room.  Almost.  Almost. :)

And my bedroom set, also pretty but in dark wood.. will go in one of the other two bedrooms. Most likely the one that will be my workspace/office/art/photography room.  We have to have places for family to sleep when they come to visit, so now we will have beds in all 3 rooms.  Yay!

What's not showing here is the view from the breakfast nook (from the back of the house), and the master bedroom.. also at the back of the house.  Unbeatable.  As they say... location, location, location!  There were other houses.. often placed in crowded neighborhoods or on barren, stripped lots.  Oh they were GORGEOUS inside with new everything, etc...  but when you walk outside... barren suburbia.

My thinking on things like this is simple---there are things you can change, and things you can't change.  You can make your house look like a palace, but if you build it in the middle of a landfill... it doesn't much matter if it's a palace.

No matter what house was seen, walked through, oooohed and awed at... it always came back to this one house.  It was difficult to forget the view, the privacy, the way the front yard was outlined in trees all the way to the driveway so that it is literally secluded.

Well, it's difficult to put into words, and most houses aren't at their best in the Winter with all the trees stripped of leaves, the shrubs appearing like nothing more but twigs and woody bones, the grass a pallid yellow.  I guess you just have to see its potential through something other than just your eyes.  And of course, photos from another season certainly helps. ;)

Such erratic behavior!!!

Nothing to worry about.  Just uncomfortable.  VERY uncomfortable.  And I'm hoping it will be also short-lived, though I supposed there is a better way to word that given what the issue is.  The feeling of my heart speeding up out of nowhere and staying elevated.  The erratic beats and resulting anxiety, that isn't emotional but physical in nature, and it waking me up, and keeping me up at night.  The weird pressure in my throat...  all I could very well do without.  It's what's kept me absent from here for a few days (for the most part).

It's the salt, I think.  Having given it up for the most part, except for the occasional smidge added here  and there in a salad or something prior to this (except during juicing), I've maintained a low-sodium diet.  But.. I fell off the rails on that over the past couple of weeks, and REALLY derailed completely over the past week.  Yeah.  Not one of my brighter moves.

Still hurts, though.  Not bad.  Just so uncomfortable.  At least it's not lasting, these episodes.  They come and go.  Not terribly persistent, except they've been happening now for a couple of days.  I'm worn out.  Thought I was done with this brand of fatigue.  Body feels heavy, a little dizzy, arms aching... that sort of thing.  I'll get through it.

The above image was at one point today.. 137 bpm.  Ugh.   Haven't seen that in a while, and certainly not much since my ablations (for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and SVT.. for those who don't know).  And not at all in a few months.  But again, these are thankfully short-lived as far as duration.  Now if they would just stop.  That would be nice.

A cough.  A lump in the throat..that feeling like there's something stuck in your esophagus or just at the back of your throat, maybe a lump in the upper part of your chest... just a few of the fun things that go along with arrhythmia(s).  Not 'everyone' gets these, but they are super common.

The pic to the left...this was my heart, I guess, trying to get itself back into NSR.  Slowly but surely.  Down to 101 at this point.  Still looking erratic.

These episodes make me cough, too... which I don't like.  Not long coughing fits mind, you.  It's usually when my heart converts there's just enough pressure to make me cough like once.

This definitely puts a damper on things, I have to admit.

I'm using this time to drink more water and use a lot less salt and just take it easy.  Our house closing is this week and we have a bit to do in and around that--need to get a couple of estimates on getting the deck refinished, the floor of the sunroom included, most of the rooms painted, and possibly the carpet removed from the hallway and master bedroom removed and replaced with wood flooring.  Nothing wrong with the carpet, we just don't LIKE carpet.  We'll leave the other two bedrooms and the formal dining area carpeted for now.  The breakfast nook and kitchen have ceramic tile, and the living room has wood flooring so those are good.  And there are a couple of other things. Then there's the new bedroom set to be delivered in about 5 weeks.  But packing and such... oh boy.  I really need my strength to deal with that.

The pic at the left is when it came back into NSR (normal sinus rhythm), and boy was I glad.  Thing is, after these episodes... I still feel spent and achy.  Even the short bursts take so much out of me.

So anyone who prays, say a little prayer for me that this resolves soon. :)    It will.  I just want it resolved NOW... because it sucks.

Anyone reading who has an arrhythmia, or anyone who's had an ablation... please go easy on the salt if you're not already!  I'm pretty sure this is my issue.  "Could" be my MVP is getting worse, sure, but.. I think it's the salt.

It's worth it to cut back.  Salt makes things taste good, but really... not THAT good! lol

Be well everyone.  I'll post more 'interesting' things soon.... ;p

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

How to starve to death on a vegan diet and make your private parts fall off

No, wait WHAT??  Yeah, everyone knows that if you're vegan or vegetarian you're going to starve to death because, what the hell are you going to eat if you're not going to eat meat?  Right?

Seeds and twigs and grass.  Right?  I mean, who wants to live off of rabbit food when you can just eat the rabbit?  OMG, no!  And if you starve yourself your muscles will be used for protein and..and..and..isn't just about everything made up of muscle?...and what about my, you know, "stuff?"  You know, 'the important stuff'?

What?  You think if you don't eat meat then your muscles will waste away and your junk will fall off, right?

So, to make things easy, and without going through the myriad of facts and such, and without restating the bazillian things listed in abundance on the internet already regarding how you will ultimately starve to death on a vegan diet... let me just skip right to it and give you the horrifying visual of all the grim and non-palatable ways you'll starve.

Brace yourself.  This shit is about to get real.

It's not meat.  I LOOKS like meat.  Ooooh, but it's not!  THIS is how they trick you! 

I'm not falling for this!

And this, this is another way "they" lure you into the vegan trap!  yeah, just take a gander (oops, did I just say that!?!) at this heaping pot of vegan chili!  Non-meat!  It has to be an illusion, filled with visual and culinary impossibilities.  It's a trap.  Just don't go there!

Oh, now we're talking!  THIS looks like some kind of salad!  HA!!!  Gotchya!

But then there's all this creamy stuff, and then some walnuts.  Some herbs and fruit... chickpeas I guess...  I don't trust this.

I simply don't trust this.  Best to steer clear.  I'm sure it's definitely a trap.

I know I see cheese in this stuff.  Right?  Cheese?  No cheese, you say?  WTF???  I KNOW I'M SEEING CHEESE!

Cauliflower?  That's not freaking cauliflower, dude! You're out of your f***ing mind!  Cauliflower that looks like cheese.  You're crazy.

Well I'M not going to eat it!  I don't recognize one single thing there!  Okay, maybe TWO things.  But I'm not eating it, because I don't know what it is.

And where's the chicken?

So this looks okay, but I'm going to have to hit McDonald's after this.  You know that, right?  I mean, where's the beef??!!  Nothing there to eat?!  I'm going to starve!!!

Aaaaahhhhh!!!  A hamburger!!!!!

What do you mean it's not a "hamburger."  I know a hamburger when I see one, and that is a f***ing hamburger!

Mushrooms, my a$$!  And what the hell is a quinoa??!!

Yeah.  I've heard it all, read it all, and at times... thought it all.  But it's all vegan.  Some are main courses, and some are side dishes.  MY thing right now is that I have to combine both vegan/vegetarian with gluten-free.  That is a given.  Though there is one thing that is going to somewhat hinder that from being 100% and that's my cookware.

In order to have a COMPLETELY GLUTEN-FREE DIET you have to replace all of your cookware!  Yep.  And my cookware is an expensive, professional quality set that I'm not about to replace.  Maybe one day.  But not right now.  I've invested in two juicers, so that's enough investing at this time.

Another thing you need to know if you go gluten-free is this:  If you suspect celiac do NOT go on a gluten-free diet, because that will hinder a diagnosis!!!  Get your doctor to get the tests done prior to doing any gluten-free diet, because you don't want to go through that biopsy for no reason!  I doubt I have celiac, so I'm willing to take the risk.

So here's me kicking off my next phase in health, weight loss, and keeping my private parts from falling off!

And yes, there will be some new entries about other things such as how I'm feeling, if my girly bits are still intact (just kidding!), how I feel about the price of tea in England.... or whatever happens to be floating or sinking my boat.

Like I said... This shit is about to get real.

OH. MY. GOURD!!! It cost HOW much???!!

Day 17 and it's the end.  Yes, the end.  But not completely the end.  But don't break out the tissues and start playing Taps just yet!  Let me explain what made me decide to change up the fabric of what I'm doing...

No worries about juicing itself, because everything was fine.  It's a great experience that I am continuing, but not 100% as a juice fast!  And there's a damn good reason for this choice.

Cost.  Plain and simple.

At the beginning of this journey the cost was estimated to be somewhere around $120/week, roughly.  In that estimate certain factors were considered such as what was in season, not in season, local purchases (which would make things less expensive), and buying organic (which means more expensive).  All T's were crossed and all I's were dotted.  But what we didn't consider were shortages, and for any such shortages to include one of the main staples of juicing---kale.

Well damn!

While doing a bit of research yesterday I discovered a few threads on folks who had given up their juice fasts due to cost.  And I found as many discussions on those who chose to suck it up and continue despite the cost.  While this whole cost thing concerned me I wasn't all THAT worried.  But then, T insisted on doing the shopping since he wanted to use his credit card that gave this awesome cash back incentive for shopping at grocery stores.  Okay.  I'm down with that.  And what this translates to is this....

I had NO idea what juicing was costing us until last night!

OH.  MY.  GOURD!

So, how bad could it be, you ask?  $180.00 to $200.00 per week!  YES!!  I know!!!  OMG!

I asked, "WHY didn't you tell me it was costing this much??!!!"  And T's reply was... "I didn't want you to worry, and I knew it was helping you."  *sigh*  Super sweet, yes?  Of course it is.  Still, we have a lot going on and really, a Reboot doesn't HAVE to last 30 days to receive great benefit from all the micronutrients you take in!

I said... "It's time to Transition out."  And so last night I had lentil & veggie soup (vegan, gluten free, organic), and began my transition back into solid foods, and I feel great about my decision.  :)

I had 17 awesome days where my body was flooded with pure, fresh vegetable and fruit juice, free from packaged food, fried food, sugar, gluten, and any other form of garbage that most of us humans put into our systems on a regular basis.

I sleep better than I have since I don't know when, my hair is growing faster, my nails as well, and my skin looks great!  And... I don't crave junk food or sweets!  And trust me, I used to LOOOOOVE sweets.  Not that I wouldn't eat desserts, mind you.  They're just not a temptation anymore.  Also, the allergies that have plagued me over the past two years are GONE!!!  I couldn't breathe before this cleanse, and now I can breathe normally!

And it took only 17 days.  Actually, it took less than that, but I continued my cleanse for 17 days.

What's next?  My next goal is to go vegetarian/vegan.  I didn't grow up this way, and I didn't have this environment ever in my life.  So it's not going to be a "cold turkey" situation (no pun intended).  At least I don't think so.  I still have weight to lose as the prednisone monster and subsequent effects will take some time to correct, but it's okay.  I've come this far and have lost 17 lbs during my Reboot.  :)  I'm good.

So this is really where the fun actually starts!  Phase two is where the works begins, and "the work" IS the fun part, because the journey is going to be fun...  because nothing's really changes, has it?  I mean, all we really want is to look good naked, so... having said that... let's get to work!

Day 14 - Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat

Day 14 -  I tried standing like that and I think I pulled something and scared my family.  And my dog.  But the good news is that I've lost 14 lbs so far and I'm one day away from my first 30 day goal!  30 days of juicing, and I'm half way there!  Yay!

Funny ad, but I have to say there's a little truth in it.  These days people are shallow, and unless your significant other truly loves you, he/she will hit the dusty cow pie trail and you'll be left in a fatigue-laden, dust-clouded aloneness.  But then, maybe that's for the best.  Either way, this goofy ad speaks about a "vegetable compound," so there IS a little truth in this advertising, after all.  They just didn't tell the whole truth.  Of course, they were just trying to sell something.

Juicing is still the best way to get an abundance of the good stuff into your body.  Plain and simply put.  And... you'll be peppy too, for yourself, your family, your LIFE!

Life.  My life.  That's really what it's all about anyway.  I have to wake up every day and face myself, who I am, where I am, no matter what, and tell myself that I am okay!  :)  Now, if you're like me you may know you're a bit on the 'not-so-normal side,' and that's even better!  ha!  So go with it. I do, and I plan to keep doing so.

I embrace my not-so-normalness!;p

So today I got out of bed and I told myself that I'm going to take it easier than I did the last few days.  I over extended myself a bit and now I'm paying the price.  But that's not a bad thing, because it just means that my energy is up and that my body is in a state of "WTF??!" lol

Now it's just about taking it a step back and easing into things a little bit at a time and deciding not to conquer the world in one day.  Dang it.  I was so hoping to do that in a day, too!

Another thing I need to remember is to stop being so impersonal about things when I'm making my entries here.  As I was typing I realized I was going down the road of disassociating myself, personally, from my entries (for the most part) and had to go back and change some wording, phrasing, etc.  Old habits, I guess, not wanting to expose myself too much.

Bad habits are meant to be broken, and I'm going to make that one my bitch.

So, what bad habit are you going to make your bitch today?

Noodles!