Not Today

I guess after spending the morning trying to write in all of my blogs I'm left with very little.  Hell, I started with very little.  Even so, I'm trying.  I have to be able to look back and SEE where I was so I can assess where I am.  This is all for a reason, all of this talking and contemplating, all the raging and wondering and wishing and... well, it's all for a reason.  Still, I would like to just stare down the crap I'm dealing with and say... "NOT today!"  Yeah.  If only.

My mind is trying very hard to still be 'me,' which means there's SOMETHING still here I recognize a little bit.  If only for a moment I can feel that spark, dulled by illness it may be, struggling to ignite something within the deepest recesses and protected by a very stubborn spirit.  I refuse to let go and give in.

My body, however, has other ideas entirely, and it sends the warning signals with any attempt at doing anything remotely 'normal.'  Don't move, don't clean, don't walk that much, don't pick that up off the floor, don't... just don't.  *sigh*  Enough already!... is what I really want to say.

I have to listen, though, because when I don't I pay big time.  It's hard to accept this state of bad health I'm in, though I do know and accept that it's nothing I did, nothing I didn't do that caused this to happen.  Autoimmune diseases are no one's fault.

I'm so incredibly tired...

Okay, body... YOU win today.

No Thoughts

What am I to make of this?  I know I'm really feeling sick today, very very sick.  Nausea has taken over out of the blue and I'm not exactly sure why.  It's not the Prednisone, because I take that with a meal, and it's not the Imuran, because I also make very sure I take that with a meal AND take it at night.  So what's the deal with my being this damn sick all of a sudden?

Okay, so it can't be the AIH, because I'm on treatment for that.  This is another problem rearing its ugly head, I can tell.  Alarms are sounding inside telling me that something isn't right with this.  The horrendous lower back pain that began a week or so ago is getting worse, MUCH worse, and I can't seem to get a handle on it at all.  This was an issue when I was anemic, so maybe that's returned due to the bleeding GI tract.  Yeah, so that was gross to mention.

But my mind is tired today as well.  I can't think straight, and it makes me exhausted trying to think at all.  Yet, here I am typing away in my blogs.  I guess I'm just making a valiant attempt at normalcy.... whatever the hell that is.

... ugh.

Does knowing help?

So I've really unloaded on one of my alter ego blogs, if you guys are interested in reading.  It's on Where Fireflies Dream.  All the info regarding my appt with the specialist yesterday, findings, etc., etc., and even a bit of an unloading of things on a personal side of things.  I'm not sure what I'll have left for ATE, but I will try.  Forgive me if it all comes out more as musings than actual accounts of what transpired yesterday--all of that has been purged to the other blog.

I feel a bit like I'm standing on a cliff over a wide expanse of beach and ocean.  No.  Not really.  That's simply my desire.  Where I actually am is in a vast and vacant desert of which no life can sustain.  It's temporary and will last about as long as it takes to process the information I received from the doctor yesterday.  Though, being scared at the moment is hard to shake, I'll admit fully.  I mean, how can you just receive news like that and not be affected?  I'm shaken, and that will likely pass in time.

I'm waiting at the moment for yet more blood work results that will, or will not, or suggest, etc. if one of the major things I'm dealing with is Myositis/Polymyositis.  I'm praying that will NOT be the case, that my Aldolase is significantly elevated for another reason, that the unbelievable muscle weakness I have is due to something else entirely, that all these awful symptoms will be explained away easily and be the effects of something else entirely.  Hell, at least if it's autoimmune hepatitis it can be managed, and worse case scenario... a transplant is needed if it's gone on too long and did too much damage.  Hell, at this point there's nothing in my blood work to show there's liver 'damage,' just the implication that the liver is in terrible distress for some reason.  But Myositis/Polymyositis... a much more bleak scenario.  Then there's the great possibility of an ulcer...

I have an endoscopy and another colonoscopy scheduled in 4 weeks, and a liver biopsy may be needed (yet to be determined).

This is what I have to work through, and do so alone.  No siblings or relatives I can talk to, get encouragement from, no one to make happy memories with really (that's explained more fully on Where Fireflies Dream.. alter ego blog links are in the side menu).

So what now? What do I do, where do I start, how do I not lose it a little bit until I can wrap my head around what may be happening, what my doctor is convinced is happening?  How do I do this alone and in a city where I still don't know anyone?

Feeling poorly so have to sign off and find some happy thing to focus on, watch something on the boob tube that will make me laugh.  Damn, wish I just had someone, a friend, who knows me well and that I can talk to...

Until next time...

Dealing with it Vs Fixing the issue

The line blurs so completely between the two at times... maybe that means... both?  So what is it I'm saying here, exactly?... Communication.  Respect.  Kindness.  Manners.  I mean, didn't most of us grow up learning about this stuff to some degree?  Or, at the very least, when we become adults we should know better, even so.  Whatever.  After a while my tolerance slips below a VERY well-defined line, and its effects are immediately felt, and totally unwanted.

Listening.  Being attentive.  It's not always easy, because these days everyone's mind is on 'something.'  But we have to choose to listen, pay attention.  I make allowances for people who are easily distracted, because not everyone is a master of focus. I'm certainly not.  ADD is just something I deal with and have to consciously work with.  So, I absolutely do give some leeway when it comes to some situations.  But when a person ACTIVELY tunes you out to the point where you're talking to yourself most of the time---screw that.  And it goes much deeper than just not listening.  It's also a deadpan, utter indifference to what's going on with my health and how it affects me.  The one person I have close-by to talk to... is completely deadpan about it.

No use wasting my time and energy trying to open up and talk to someone who doesn't give a crap.  Yeah.  I'm a little ticked at the moment.  I've come a long way over the past 3 to 3 1/2 years learning to actually ALLOW myself to feel angry about things, to express it.  Holding it in, I found, is damaging.  I'm calm, but I'm also ticked.

There's nothing okay about ignoring someone who's talking to you.  If you're not interested in what that person is saying---say so!  Don't be one of those people who fake their way through a conversation.  Politeness, being what it is, warrants our behaving kindly when someone is talking, even if we don't find the subject all that interesting.  But when it comes to the important stuff and the important people---pay freaking attention!!!!  Or not.  Just know the latter comes with consequences.

It becomes habit, tuning someone out.  With enough 'allowed practice' one can become QUITE adept at it.  It's not a virtue.  So I don't understand why anyone would want this to become a part of who they are and what they're known for.  I don't understand why anyone would allow and nurture, even by default, such undesirable a quality.  Especially when it hurts people.

My tolerance has been waning for this type of treatment for about 3 or so years now, and I believe I've reached the point---FINALLY---of intolerance.  That's not a bad thing.  What's bad, even unhealthy, is to live in the context of someone else's indifference.

I'm already disconnecting with this person, emotionally.  I have to.  I can't allow this treatment to affect my health, my happiness, my joy.  I won't allow it.

So what do I do now?  Focus on me!  It's time.  It's overdue.  A lot of damage has already been done, and now I'm in 'damage control' mode.  And I have a lot of healing and work ahead of me.

In the meantime I am going to make sure that any of the bad feelings I have are vented.  Yeah, that will most likely happen here.  But purging that stuff is critical, because holding it inside, or doing something to cover it up, forget about it, etc... is damaging.  You can sugar-coat crap, but it's still crap.  Get RID of the crap!

Onward...

Damn these dreams...

It seems to just be a constant nightly thing now.  Dreams come, unbidden, that point out how much my life isn't actually my life, and it does this in a very poignant and, in some respects, ruthless ways.  Do I question this?  Of course!  Everyone knows, or should know, that dreams are your subconscious trying to work issues out that the conscious doesn't want to deal with.  Having said that, it's gotten to the point where my dreams leave no room for interpretation.  In fact, they're as blunt and outspoken as an unpaid whore.

Seriously.

Last night/this morning, dreams that leave me haunted and anxious after waking.  Places I want to go and can't (right now).  People I don't even know...who I miss, somehow.  Unnatural forces in times or places with unfamiliar faces.  They're all friends it seems, from a life I don't recognize myself in.  Damn this night.  Just fucking wake me up already.  Right?

Those faces, those people.  Dreaming about people you've never met isn't exactly unique.  And my dreams have included people I DO know and don't have contact with any longer.  It's all just a messed up, complicated message that I don't have the capacity to interpret right now.

...All I have to go on is how it leaves me feeling when I wake.  A bit confused and bewildered...and feeling as if I'd missed the only train capable of taking me where I need to go.

I'm sure it's meant to be motivating.  But motivating me to do what is the million dollar question.

Damn these dreams.  I guess I just need to work on getting my subconscious to reveal what it's REALLY trying to tell me.  Enough of the guesswork already.  M'kay?

So...it's going to be later today (I hope) when I get to the entries for the Alter Ego blogs... links are in the section to the right.  For now, I'm saying adios.  Time to login to life for a few....

Off the grid and minding the muddle

Life's details are vast and varied these days.  Keeping up is an act of will, perseverance, and a whole lot like everyday magic, when you think about it.  How crowded and hurried the days are, and yet how brazenly slow.

Renovations continue in a less frenzied state, though they do have their moments of speeding up so I can barely keep pace.  Nature of the beast, I suppose.  But at least things are moving along.  Still so much to do.  Not far from done, it's just that once you get one thing updated, the things near it look... well, you know.  At some point you have to stop and reel yourself in before you end up rebuilding your house! ;)  It's all good.  Things are nearing the finish line now.

On the matter of health I'm attempting the act of patiently waiting to see specialists with regards to the lung nodule and.. whatever is going on with my liver...muscles...or whatever it is that's throwing my liver enzymes, etc. out of whack.  Things are highly elevated that shouldn't be, another is dropping that SHOULD NOT be, back in vitamin D defiency again, sliding back into anemia again, and... more.

It was really shocking to get pages and pages of blood work in my hands and see just how much had flown out of the normal range.

Now I await the 2nd pulmonologist appointment, and the GI/Hepatologist appointment, a follow up with my rheumatologist with another discussion about all the labs that are out of whack.  But the good news is that I finally found a good primary care doctor, a DO! :D  THAT, I am very happy about.  Only one visit with him, but he has good reviews and... I like him so far.

Well, time to sign off.  But.. I will try my best to post more often.  There's a lot of abdominal pain, and referred pain.. so I may not be here every single day.  But I will try my best. :)

Till then....  Listen to this with me... I LOVE this song.. sexy, weird, crazy, naughty... and sounds sooooooo good in my car! ;)  Kind of weird for a vegan to post, huh? lol

If not reciprocity, then what... adventure? Part 1

So where will I take this next adventure and when?  I can hold my own for a bit, I'm sure.  Hell, I've done it this long, why not a while longer?  My adventurous side is banging on the walls, wanting out to play anyway.

I feel a little tired after spilling my guts on Where Fireflies Dream, so I'm left a little thin on my visit here.  Yet, I still feel something tugging inside to be set free, just the same.  What the hell is it, I wonder?

Maybe I should watch a movie and forget my own thoughts for awhile, last night's fiasco included.  I would have rather called someone and talked last night, rather than surfed the web on my phone in the dark... but who?  Oh well.

I need to go outside for a few, put this dying laptop on a charger and let go for a little while.

Where the hell is my phone?

Other blogs--my alter egos. If you dare.

In case you guys didn't know--I am making a better effort to post more relevant content on my other blogs.  Meaning, on Boo's Juicy Bits... that's more in-tune with what it was created for--health, weight loss, anything relevant to health, and.. it may or may not get racy at times (just as a heads-up).  All Things Ephemeral.. can be more reflective, or maybe a literal 'alter ego' to this blog.  Either way, I've been lazy in the past because it was made known to me that no one wanted me to delete any of my blogs (3).  So, I was making it easy on myself by just mostly copying and pasting from one to the other.

No more.

I'm stepping up and making a decision to try and keep things separate as possible.  So if you read just one, you may miss out on something else.  Unless I happen to mention it in another...

Can't say for sure how it will all go.  But I do find that once I've gotten one feeling or topic or what-have-you out of my system... I often don't feel like talking about it again somewhere else.  Just saying.  So... keep that in mind if you want to know everything that's going through mine. ;p

Now, THIS post WILL be posted on all three blogs.

Now... If you look in the sidebar.. you will find the links to my alter-egos should you dare to read.  As my sleep improves... there is honestly no telling what I may talk about.  Keep your curiosity in check,  or not. lol  Read at your own risk. ;)

*smooches*

Restoration. Home. Life. Spirit.

So here I am.  Getting ready to do a little research on the choices for the restoration on the master bath in the new house.  Most has been chosen, but the shower tile, floor tile, tile above the vanity... 2/3 of the walls... working on that, though they're mostly chosen.. is next.  Paint, what little will be in there has been chosen.  Vanity, chosen (with marble top).  Fixtures, chosen.  It's been fun, and I'm ready for it all to be completed and ready for us to move in.  There's still the sunroom to be finished, the deck to be cleaned and re-stained, all the indoor doorknobs replaced with antique bronze, and possibly french doors replacing the entryway doors leading to the living room.  But I think we're just about there once the master bath is done and the master bedroom and hallway wood flooring put in (out with the carpeting in that area!).

A bit on the tired side today.  We've scoured a lot of stores and resources online looking for the right color tile and shape, etc. for the bathroom... and well, I'm ready for a little down-time for my brain. lol  But.. just a little more and I'll be done.  Just a little more.

Oh... and we walked into Lowe's the other day and right into the best deal ever!  They had a few outdoor grills on clearance and we bought one of the last 3!  Regular price was a little over $560.00 (can't remember the exact amount) and we paid $164.00 !!!  Helluva deal!! ;D

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The hum of that engine, or the sound of the whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

House closing done... so now what?

It's a good thing, this move.  Out of the city, into a better neighborhood with less traffic, noise, BS.  And one's expectations must be realistic, so I'm told.  No neighborhood is perfect.  All over the world people have to deal with neighbors, wandering pets and/or barking dogs, etc., etc.  But this is going to be SOOOOO much more peaceful.

But what about my LIFE?  How exactly do I bring more peace into my LIFE as a whole?

I can figure this out, but I'm far to isolated here in this part of Alabama.  And I thought I was isolated in Mobile!  This is a whole new level of isolation.  I'm in another world here.

There is something missing here.  I can't put my finger on it exactly.  But something.   If I weren't so tired today I would write more about it.  Or maybe I've just not sorted it all out in my mind just yet.  I don't know, really.  I can't talk to my BF.  After her stroke in 2013 she can't handle any heavy talk at all, and her conversations must be kept very short and simple.  I'm left blogging this information and, frankly, that's just not enough.  Most likely because I don't really get to the point when it comes to the really sticky stuff.

I should.  But I don't.  At least not yet.  And I've come SO close to doing that a few times.  I can be such a coward with talking about the important stuff here these days.  Used to be that I would just let it all out, let it sit a bit... then, after a while just delete it if it were too personal.

I've no idea what I'm talking about right now...

Ichetucknee Springs State Park, USA.  Looks like something out of a dream.  Fort White, FL.  Why wouldn't I want to see this, be there, experience this?  I want to, but I want to alone?

Is it my age?  Is it just something I need without any explanation?  I have to admit, there isn't any explanation.  No real explanation other than I need this for my soul.  I just do.

I'm sure this can happen.  I'm sure I can do this with a friend, someone who won't make any demands on me, manipulate my time, who will simply respect my need to ... simply just... be.

I can do this if I recharge my spirit.  I can re-learn to just "be" in my own skin and feel reconnected to everything again.

I can feel myself edging towards completely letting go with all my thoughts.  It's going to happen eventually, and it's going to spill over into everything here.  I'm just not sure that others can handle it, those who know me.

But then, this journal is about....

Wonder what would happen if I did just let it all go here and speak my mind?....

Low-Carb weirdness, or is my subconscious mindf*cking me?

Day 3 on Atkins and am having a little of the carb withdrawal.  Could be worse, but thankfully I'm not withdrawing from grains/wheat, processed food, caffein, sugar, etc.  Still, I know this feeling well and it should pass.  Still, WTF is going on with all this other bizzwax?

That low-carb lull isn't surprising, but this craziness with my dreams at night are really getting on my nerves now.  It's not like I haven't brought this up before, and I'm not sure I want to go into the details about who and what is in my dreams or why.  Hell, some of it is hella fun!  Like the drag racing in last night's dream!  THAT was awesome! lol  But, this common theme is really unsettling, to say the least.  Some of it I get.  I really, really get.  And I know my subconscious is telling me to get a freaking life.  No, not telling me, but demanding I get a freaking life.  It's beyond obvious.

I am out-of-my-mind restless now.  Something's going to give.  Correction, something IS giving.  Question is, WTH am I going to do about it?

Simple answer... get a freaking life!

Oh if I only had the cojones to just spell it out here in great bloody detail.  But I don't.  Not right now.  Not even sure I get what it's all about or what I'm going to do about it, to tell you the truth.  But those damn dreams....

Why do I have the dreams I have?  Why are the people in them IN them?  I don't understand.  I wake up and can't make any sense of it all, and yes... the dreams are profound enough that they do follow me about the rest of the day.  And there are times the dreams haunt me for a few days.  Maybe it's because I don't get why some people are in them and why some are not, or why things happen in them or why I don't understand MY role in them.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I could talk to a girlfriend about this, but it's just not that easy, especially when everyone is out of state or hours away.  A phone call often just doesn't cut it.  And when you hang up the phone...you still feel isolated.  Neighbors here are either WAY too old or WAY too young, and the one or two my age I've met just want to get drunk or party etc.  Not my thing.  And I've not gotten out much recently because of the health issues.  So that's changing, but it's taking time to undo the damage from the medications.  One step at a time.

But those dang dreams.  And this dang feeling of needing a road trip.  Not just a road trip but one just for me, to reset everything and find my muse again.  Me, my car, my camera, good tunes, a destination...

Life.

The Biggest Wish

Sometimes it's more than one, these wishes.  Well, to be honest, I guess they almost always are.  Wishes.  Dreams.  Goals.  They're ALL born of the same stuff, so don't let anyone tell you any different.

Food for dreams... wishes.  Fuel for your goals... dreams.  Seriously, if you lose any one of these vital components you're going to be floundering and wondering what the hell happened and why things simply aren't going as you planned.

Plans.  Those are just outlines drawn somewhere and not unlike a recipe you 'sort of' stick to.  Hell, recipes are mostly improved upon by intuition or... more often, by mistakes.  Just go with it!

Oh, and then there are the little (or big) imperfections when the good stuff is realized.  Hey wait a minute! What do you mean IMPERFECTIONS??  Well...I mean exactly what I said.  If you want something badly enough and get it, don't sweat the small stuff when it falls in your lap!  How hard is that to figure out?  Seriously.

Actually, that's what I've had to tell my self a few times.  ;)  Trust me. I'm pretty damn good at taking my own advice.  Not always great at following my own advice.  But that's another story.

So one of the things that's been in the works is moving out of the city.  Well, THIS city.  Too noisy, etc., and I've needed something far more peaceful and serene (much like my old neighborhood in Mobile.  Finally a place was found...a place we feel is perfect for us.  Notice the wording.  Nothing is perfect, folks, and life will always be a work in progress.  Because.. it.  Is. LIFE.  :)

As the wheeling and dealing was done, today was the day of a final agreement, all contingent on the home inspection.  Once that is done, then we wait till closing.. on our around February 17th.

Another happy event revealed itself when I found out the good news about the house, which was super nice.  I needed a good day, as things have been a big hectic.

The biggest wish...  What is it?  Hmmmm.  I have to admit I'm not exactly ready to reveal it to the world, or entirely sure I'm ready to talk about it.  It may be a bit too much at the moment.  Let's just suffice it to say that my life is... complex at the the moment, and I've not quite put everything into proper perspective yet.  Once I feel compelled and comfortable enough to start talking about it here... I'm sure it will be a whole flood of TMI.  ;) lol

Till next time.... noodles!  ...silly autocorrect!  I think I'll just leave it. ;p