This House On A Bluff.

The more that goes on the harder it is to talk about it all.  One moment life seems both chaotic and redundant, and at other times life just settles in place and I'm aligned with all I love.  Maybe it's like that for most people.  I don't know.  For me, though, the chaos is avoidable and often brought about by T, and he tends to run contrary to all I believe in and love.  Okay, so not ALL, but you get the point, right?

I turn my focus to photography (no pun intended) and I'm good, inside and out.  Searching for the beauty in the world through the lens has always been a healing component to that which drives my passions and dream.  And these days I indulge in what feeds my soul.  That is, until I have to find my way past the T barrier.  No, it's not like he does this on purpose (or so I want to believe).  Still, he doesn't NOT do it on purpose either, and therein... lies the problem.

Now, it's only fair that I also mention there are some things, vital things, that we both are alike on, and one of them is animals, especially wildlife.  We are on the same page there, for the most part.

Health is shaky these days, beginning with about 12 minutes of sun exposure.  Long story there, but suffice it to say I'm intolerant, and since that exposure I've crashed and burned.  I won't go into the gory details.

So where am I going with this exactly?  Addressing and trying to thwart the disappointment that seems to be T's 'thing' these days, beginning with the day I took the photo above.

While I was outside replacing the hummingbird feeders with fresh ones, I heard loud, beating wings and the 'landing' on the tree above the house.  I did briefly see the large wingspan out of the corner of my eye before the bird landed in the tree.  It was a black vulture, and I really dig those guys so immediately went inside to grab my camera.  The last clean feeder was just hung anyway, so.. why not?

The vulture perched above for a few minutes, looking around, then found a nice, tall pine tree with a place for him/her to rest, take a nap, and preen.  I wanted SO much to stay there with my camera and wait for him/her to leave, because I really wanted to get a shot of those wings in flight.  I did catch a couple of shots as the vulture hopped from one limb to another, but I really wanted that flight shot.

LONG story short, and while I did get a lot of shots of that vulture looking back at me, curiously, napping, preening, etc... T kept complaining that we needed to go.  Yes, we needed to go to the store, but the store wasn't going to close anytime soon.  Still, after repeated complaints I finally just gave in, and it didn't sit well with me AT ALL.

The vulture had perched and napped, etc for some time and had been looking upward and about, those tell-tale signs that he/she would be leaving soon.  But it didn't matter, not to T.  This was a once in a lifetime shot, maybe, because that vulture perched only to rest.  Their perching locations are normally with a committee comprised of family etc.  This vulture had a very full crop so was literally chilling after the feast, and he/she chose our property as a place to do that.

No telling when I'll see this again, though I do see them flying over every day.  It was a somewhat missed opportunity to catch shots of that vulture flying off the limb where it was perched.  T didn't care.  He's more like a young child who is egocentric and thinks the world revolves around him at every given moment.  This behavior is really irritating.

But I go on, try to salvage what I can when I can and hope for better soon.

There are some processes in the works that will change my life for the better, and patience is the key to getting from A to B and coming out on the other end intact.  I'll make it.  Me and my camera and nature... all components in what I hope will be a success story.

Till next time....

Rain.

So after about 10 minutes of typing Blogger decides to crash.  Now, I don't mean a browser crash, I mean Blogger actually just crashed and burned and took everything I typed with it.  Okay then.  You don't have to nudge me twice.  Change of subject!  While there is more than my share of serious pain in my muscles and bones at the moment, I am able to be thankful for one lovely little blessing today that decided to perch right outside the window where I sat.  Luckily for me I had my camera.  While I still had to shoot through a screened window on a gloomy/cloudy day.... I was able to capture a few shots of a beautiful Gray Blue Gnatcatcher, one of the tiniest birds you'll ever see. And boy are they fast!  Still, window screen and bad lighting and the curtain getting in the way... it felt for a moment like Christmas.  What a gift.

But what about INSIDE the house, the life therein.  IF one can actually call this a "Life," that is.  Well, that's where things just continue on the same ole humdrum, or... same shit different day.  Hey, there are times when blunt is best.

There's hardly a day where I seem to be misstepping along my way to wherever this life is heading.  Today is not one of those days, and the missteps were many.  Not mistakes, per se, but more just giving over control of my life to some unseen force that seems hell-bent on making damn sure I don't reach my goal---like ever.  And before you roll your eyes, yes I know "I" am the only one who can affect change.  But change, success, decisions that affect one's life isn't make just by making a decision, because our histories ALWAYS dictate the majority of what we do.  Seriously, anyone who actually thinks that we wake up each morning with a blank slate is fooling themselves.  In fact, the ONLY blank slate we ever had is when we first exited our mother's womb, and in that moment, and that moment ONLY we had no writing on the pages of our lives.  And the very first thing our mom's did was the first sentence in the long chapter of our lives.

THAT is where our history is, and that is also what's brought us to where we are today.  Sure, there are arguments for hard work and determination that affected change in our own lives from our own initiative.  But really, this stuff was decided long ago.  What stuff, you ask?  The stuff that makes us who and what we are and how it filters everything we do, say, want, feel, and so on.

Yes yes.  I know.  Get to the point....

The point is simply that what little control I have on my life right now is a complex network of both recent and past experiences.  And... it's kicking my butt all over the place at the moment.

How do I regain control of things again?  Well, that is yet to be determined.

....To be continued.

The Bluff....

I've been spending most of my time of late behind the camera, and it's paid off in ways I couldn't even begin to explain.  In this beautiful corner of the world, the bluff, I CAN find solace, peace, comfort, joy, hope... and endless beauty.  It's taken some time, and I had to tear my focus away from that which plagues me and my life in order to reach this point, to connect with what fuels my soul and spirit.  It was easy.  It sucked and still does.  But the rewards are more than I could ever ask for.

My quiet time, my alone time is what allows me to free myself from the 'other stuff' that often threatens to destroy my health.. and me.  I've had more alone time than I think is healthy, but I was also not using that time correctly or to my advantage.  So much was wasted, but then.. why look back?  I have NOW, right?  And isn't that really all we ever have?  Right here, right NOW.  That's it, and banking on future, tomorrow, next week or next year or another lifetime is life completely wasted.

Reconnecting my soul and spirit with nature and all that is OUTSIDE of these walls is the only way I will survive.  Not that I haven't known this, but I don't have the strength to DO anything about my circumstances.  It's okay, though... today and every day is another beginning and another chance for change to happen and take hold.

Of course life isn't perfect, and there is still PLENTY going on outside of this spiritual respite I speak of.  The more creative side of me is just stirring and stretching as if awakened from a too-long sleep, and it's going to take a good long minute to get myself up to speed again.  The only thing that's lagging behind everything else going right is staying focused on my health, eating right, losing the rest of the stubborn prednisone weight.  Okay, okay... so I still have issues with the past relationship that caused so much damage that I'm STILL dealing with it to this day.  But I don't have to focus on that or even face it EVERY SINGLE day!  I deserve a break from the BS.  I just do.

In the meantime, especially on those glorious low-dewpoint days, I can look out onto the bluff, or even in my front yard... and remember who I am and what I'm connected to.  My life, like anyone else's, is PART of a bigger picture but isn't the entire canvas on which that picture is painted.  If one only stands there and looks at that 'big picture' as a whole then you'll only see a single blob that lacks depth and richness.  If you can't SEE the colorful, vibrant areas, or the deep, darker, shadowy hues of gray, the somber, the less colorful, the soothing blues from the invigorating reds and oranges.... if you can't see ALL the pieces that much up the whole.. then you're missing the point entirely, and I mean the point of LIFE.

For every candle burned there casts a shadow.  This is the way life is.

Yes, I deal with the darker parts of my history and experiences, and yes the damage does often dull the brighter experiences.  But not all of the time, and I don't always have to be in 'repair mode' to get through the day.

I won't always talk about heartache, illness, bad relationships and secrets best left unspoken.  And honestly, I've not even gotten to that last part yet.  So for those of you who wrote and texted me, those who said they were concerned that I may be 'burying' the 'issues.'  Rest assured--I am not.  They're there, but I don't have to give them all my time and attention and every waking moment of my life.

I do get and understand that when I talk of those experiences that they can help some of you.  And I never said I wasn't going to talk about it anymore.  More times than not, to be honest, I will be delving into the dark for those memories, the damaged part of my spirit that seeks healing.  Because I'm able to go a day or so without addressing those unpleasant memories, or the unpleasant present, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Every now and then, however, I just want to go a couple of days to not have to deal with that.

The bluff behind my house is teaming with abundance life, and as often as possible.. I simply want to take it all in and feel, see, and experience that part of the canvas as life splashes color, light, shadow, darkness and symmetry upon that fabric that every one of us is a part of.

For a while, I can look out into the bluff... and use my camera to capture those living details that make up this amazing masterpiece---life.

Till tomorrow....

A Little Visitor, and A Most Curious Cardinal.

It was a low dew point day today, and with little humidity it was easy to sit outside with my camera to wait for the butterflies.  A perfect breeze greeted me as I sat on the bench and watched.  What a wonderful surprise when a little female (or perhaps just young?) hummingbird arrived, took what she wanted from a cluster of flowers, then decided to perch for a while.  That's a rare treat indeed to have one simply... hang out.  :)  I was so excited that I missed a couple of shots.  My hands were trembling a little, I have to admit.  What a gift it was to see her.

For a short time I could forget how weak and painful I was, and the sadness that's usually a constant companion faded away, even if for a short time.  I was content to sit in the shade on this relatively perfect day to watch one of nature's most beautiful children enjoy herself among the flowers.  Even with the excitement I felt... there was also an uncharacteristic calm that settled within.  I was happy for a while.

Life tends to be a lot less complicated when I have my camera in my hands.  No one really understands who or what I am, and even fewer understand that which I truly love.  If I could only show them....

The image above is one interesting story played out right in front of my eyes.  The little thing that looks like a bee is not a bee at all but a "Hummingbird Moth."  They're interesting creatures, and apparently... the hummingbird thinks so too.  She watched as the HBM flew towards and past her, and she tracked its approach and passing.  She wasn't afraid that I could see at all but more.. curious.

The curious little hummingbird could be a young one, and maybe that could also explain the intense curiosity she had with the hummingbird moth.  This is something I've yet to investigate still.

She eventually flew from the cluster of blossoms to another, almost hiding herself in the foliage from camera view.  Thankfully, I know how to isolate a subject from its surroundings.  :)

She was intently curious, to be sure.  There was certainly a blessing in having been witness to this.

Some of nature's children are going through quite a change of late, with juvenile cardinals growing in new feathers, and the adult cardinals molting and looking more like tiny red and black vultures than cardinals.  I find them all beautiful... each and every one.

The below pic of a cardinal in molting stage was taken from indoors, through a window with a screen, and about 4ft from where I was sitting.  The window sill did get in the way a bit, but I didn't dare move or risk scaring her away.  She did see me, and likely because there is yet to be a 'silent shutter' on a camera.  She didn't worry too much and didn't leave right away.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but this cardinal (to me) is no less beautiful than the butterfly of which you cannot see inside the Chrysalis.  Plus, I just adore that one little red feather on her head. ;p

See her "feather eyebrows"?  Nature has an amazing way of protecting her children, and while it's not always perfect (as we all know), nature has given this little girl protection for her eyes from the sun.  And then again... there's that ONE little red feather on her head.  I just love her.

So it's been quite a day of varied experiences, with the good being enough to outweigh the bad.  These days I choose not to go down the road of what makes me miserable and, instead, reach out and embrace that which makes me glad I'm alive.

A day with my camera in-hand is a good day for me, and now that it's after midnight.. I'm off to bed, this time, smiling.

Till next time....