Post-Surgery And The Life I Used to Have.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

This is one crazy ride.

Seems like I spend most of my time in speculation regarding my current circumstances.  If there were any other direction in which to channel my focus I would certainly do so.  I mean, no one likes to be bombarded by the kicks, knocks, and out-right punches life sometimes dishes out, and when these are broken by even an occasional time-out then... well, rest and recovery is the only real way to make withstanding the worst possible.  Not to say we're destined to buckle under the onslaught, but it certainly makes it easier to get back up when you have the strength and clarity to do just that.

I'm a bit lacking on the strength and clarity thing these days.

Introspection is the name of the game these days, and I've gotten pretty damn good at being able to look at myself and ask the right questions.  The answers to my questions, however, are a bit harder to find as the questions themselves seem to shift and change and grow more numerous by the day.  Still, looking, asking, and listening for those important responses from 'self' remain the most important part of healing; for me, this is absolutely essential.

Yeah, it's one of those days where I've yet to determine the course of my life.

I'm freaking lost (no surprise there).

Seven Days.

It's an important number to me.  Every 7 days my dosage of prednisone decreases.  While I'm tapering from this extremely powerful drug I experience many unwanted side-effects, much of which I can't differentiate from AIH symptoms.  At 5mg/week my body became my worst enemy, leaving me unable to walk from the living room to the kitchen, making it difficult to walk the very short distance from the room I have to sleep in now to the nearby bathroom.  From unshakable episodes of freezing to feeling as if my body is going to melt into a puddle, I never know from one minute to the next what I'll be dealing with.  The turning point for me a few days ago was waking up before the sun in the throes of a migraine.

Tapering 5mg/week was simply not going to work.

Another call to the dr. and I'm told to go back up to 7.5mg and taper down at 2.5mg/week.  The morning of the migraine I discovered that with that 5mg dosage the migraine would go away, and it was that same evening that I added the additional 2.5mg.  While this seems like numbers and boring, dry information, I promise it's much, much more than that.  My entire quality of life depends on a tiny little pill that had the ability to make or break my life in every way.

On one hand it's a life-saver, and on the other it's dangerous as hell.  It's the drug people with AI diseases love to hate.

The usual thinking on getting off prednisone is to slow the taper the lower the dosage gets.  I'm unsure if I will be able to go down to the 5mg again, but I'll certainly find out next Wednesday.  Just how I'll find out is yet to be seen.  Will I feel better?  Will I feel worse?  Will there be debilitating symptoms again?  Or will everything go smoothly?

Without answers I can't make plans.  With each day being a giant mystery that unfolds one minute, one hour, one symptom (or lack of) at a time I am no longer really in control of my life anymore.  Prednisone now determines everything---basically, it's made me its bitch.

I can be honest about this.  I have to be honest about this.  I'm willing to face this head-on even if it means I'm the recipient, on occasion, of a TKO by a drug that is supposed to save my life.  I'll get up, face another day (albeit at times unwillingly), and keep going.

All of the above has affected my life.  Okay, I accept that.  What I don't like at this time is no support network, no one listening (not including who reads here) when I really need to talk.  If I could just feel good, be without pain, lead an normal life, I can handle the other stuff.

In the meantime I'm ticking down the hours in those 7 days to reach toward that goal of being off a drug that whispers it will save me, while making me feel as if I'm dying.

Seven days at a time... we'll see where I will be when I'm finally free of the prednisone shackles.

We will see...

My prayers are with France...

You know, I've been warned NOT to post here about controversial topics, and for the most part it makes sense, really.  Because my blogs aren't about politics or policy.  But I'm pretty damn pissed off at the moment... at our lazy, incompetent president.  He's a piece of shit, and we all know it.  But what really angers me is that he would immediately display the rainbow colors on the white house to honor gays... and as the entire world lights buildings with the blue, white and red colors of France... the white house remains.... indifferent.  What the hell, Obama????  WTF is wrong with you???!!!????

Thankfully, many buildings have been lit with the blue, white and red, and even here in Montgomery I've noticed flags flying and half-staff.  There are even electronic billboards displaying the French flag with #PrayForFrance at the bottom.  So what gives, Obama??  I suppose you're as cold and indifferent as they come, as we've come to know you.

But we Americans ARE with France, and we're praying for you.  We stand by you!  Know this.  Even if the embarrassment we call 'President' is a POS.

God bless France!  God be with the world during these terrible times.

Spilling over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Screw Circular Logic

All that LOA crap doesn't work the way you think it does, and if you get sucked in too far you will actually be a strong negative influence on other people's lives!  I won't apologize for buying into the whole LOA thing, as it mostly relies on 'duh' statements and circular logic, both of which really mean absolutely nothing, teaches absolutely nothing, and yield's absolutely nothing.  IMHO, the ONLY true form of LOA is being awake!  Get that?  Being awake!

Being awake means you're not walking about with rose-colored glasses on, filtering every thought and deed through a common thought.  Being awake means you SEE, you HEAR, and you act accordingly.

Just because you 'believe' and 'feel good' and are 'positive' doesn't mean you can walk across a busy interstate and make it to the other side unscathed.  Oh, you might die HAPPY and POSITIVE, but you're still going to die!

"You don't feel good because you're happy.  You're happy because you feel good."  Even in the reverse this means exactly the same thing, taking both sides of the argument in this case.  Circular logic or reasoning, or.. false reasoning.

The above is a direct quote from a well-known LOA speaker and 'guru.'  And it's a blatant example of circular logic.  It's easy for people to buy into because it appears simple on the surface.  And guess what?  It IS simple, because it really means nothing at all because it fails to give any information.

I guess I'm ranting on this because I see people on social media posting about this LOA thing, something that turns people into intolerant beasts when they embrace it full-on... which I never did.  It made no sense to me, and it went totally against my Christian beliefs.  That conflict was never going to be left alone to play itself out, like good vs evil, until one or the other won.  Who the hell needs that anyway?  Not me.  I chose my faith and good sense over LOA.

Now, I don't mean to belittle anyone who believes in LOA.  If it works for you, then so be it.  My own beliefs are such that I'm not going to blame people for the bad that's happened to them in their lives, nor am I going to steer clear of people simply because they're struggling with something.  That's just unkind and selfish.

Just freakin' be kind to others, people!

Okay.. hopping off the soapbox....

Did you really think I could just forget?

I think I'm spreading myself too thin at times, posting on several blogs in order to compartmentalize my thoughts into a neat, tidy little group of online sources that I can visit in retrospect.  While it helps on some level, I'm left a bit exhausted at times.  Like today.  So very exhausted.

All things are transient, ever-changing...

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

What I learned

Every experience I've had has taught me more than I really wanted to learn, and it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows.  The good stuff wouldn't be recognized as 'good' if there weren't any basis for comparison.  While I grit my teeth and muddle through the bad, I still dream of a future where the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Is that just asking too much?

NO!

I can only take so much.

The sticking point for me these days is a past that comes back to haunt me.  As I've said before, closure in situations of loss is necessary, no matter WHAT people try to tell me (and themselves).  You can't push it aside, or bury it deep, or completely ignore it because it absolutely WILL drag you down to the depths of hell-on-earth while you may be completely oblivious to the signs.

I am well aware of why I can't get closure.  I've been told why, but it was unnecessary.  It took a few steps, introspection, and I had to take a huge step back to see the truth.  When it finally came into focus I was completely taken aback by the sheer force of what I was shown.  My God, how did I not SEE???!!

All that confusion, all that not knowing who the hell he was from one day to the next, all that unrecognizable behavior, the words, the everything.  I didn't question, and that was my first mistake.  I put the rose-colored glasses on and blissfully went through the world in a daze of utter ignorance to my situation, of who and what I was dealing with.  Oh, I've stopped asking myself WHY I did it, because I've gone past that and know better now.  But I still have so many times when I mourn the loss of that person...

Mourning still because there wasn't anyone to say goodbye to.  Why?... because I fell in love with someone who didn't exactly exist! 

This revelation, when it came, knocked the wind out of me and created a sense of loss unlike anything I'd ever known.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why did it take so long to let go?  Why does it still haunt me today?  The reason is stated clearly above, and it's impossible to say goodbye to someone who never existed in the first place.

So who the f**k did I fall in love with?  Not sure, really, as I didn't exactly get to know him that well except for the dark stuff.

How did I manage to move on?... Well I've not moved on totally, which means I haven't moved on.  Strange as it may sound BOTH are true.

I just keep working through it--the confusion.  I mean, what else is there to do?  There was never any closure to allow me to move to the next level and stay there.  The grieving process for breakups is the same as when someone dies, and the process is rather circular... at least for a time.  Back and forth you go through the stages until you reach the final stage that sets you free--acceptance.  While I ACCEPTED the situation for what it is, accepting the breakup isn't exactly what happened, because I'd no idea WHO it was I broke up with.  The person I was in love with changed SO drastically that it took my breath away--and in all the WRONG ways, I assure you.

The less I recognized him the more confused I became, and a part of me continued to search for the person I'd fallen in love with.  This was the cycle I was trapped in while still with him.  While blindsided by the behavior, the sneaking around, and so forth... I still forgave because I was erroneously convinced that he was still the person I fell in love with.  Yet, I didn't SEE anything at all that I actually recognized!  Nothing at all.  The face was the same.  The voice was the same.  But everything else---NOT at all recognizable.

Look, I know people go through events and situations in their lives that change them for a short time; but eventually they get back to themselves again.  Also, the person they are shines through despite what's happening and the resulting behavior etc changes.  I get this.  I've gone through it myself.  However, the absence of ANYTHING recognizable in that person was the most perplexing part of the whole thing, leaving me to ask inwardly and often.... "WHO are you??!!"

I still learned much from the ordeal, and I know exactly what I won't deal with ever again.  I also know exactly what I want.  No one is perfect, and I don't expect perfection, but I do know what's right for me... now.

More on this later....

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted.  And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....

It's becoming ever clearer to me that I have to take back my life.  I resolved a few years ago to not allow another guy treat me badly, and somewhere along the way... I've become my best advocate.  How did I manage to get that right?  ;)  It's all good, because I know what's needed and just have to get to the task of implementing the things I know that work.  The lessons learned by a therapist I spoke to a few years ago have become invaluable and necessary.

Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist.  A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did.  While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life.  I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.

People cause harm in many ways, right?  But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done.  The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level.  I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest.  Go figure.  I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.

Intention.  So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation.  We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another.   No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"

My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days.  In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself.  And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me.  Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone.  I'm more than okay with this, btw.

Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness.  I never EVER ask "Does he love me?"  Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now.  I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence.  No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent.  And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive.  I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.

If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health.  It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.'  But what does this mean, exactly?

A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything.  You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence.  It's unmistakable if you're paying attention.  Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc.  I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong.  Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.

I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.

When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:

This is a big peeve of mine.  Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying.  Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN?  Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation?  I will never understand this as long as I live.  Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words!  I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.

In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood.  I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying.  And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so.  There are always other people to talk to.  People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need.  And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.

This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course.  All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with.  The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me.  One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.

..... Part II coming next.

Our Own Personal Static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...