A Pirate Walks Into a Bar....

The title is as dumb as my life has been lately. And today sucked more than most. Well, not completely. But still...

I've spent most of my time lately doing one of 3 things:

1. Looking for work.
2. Being yelled at, lectured, hung up in and broke up with by my bf.
3. Sitting in a freezing cold apartment in total silence... Wondering where the hell my life went.

....not necessarily in that order. Mostly #2. *snort* now THAT was funny. And, I promise, not planned.

Life is scary. I'm hungry as hell. I'm freezing most of the time. Lonely beyond words.

This is ridiculous.

Where the hell is my LIFE?!

Seriously!

I met my future last night and found it depressing PART 2

Someone graciously gave me food money, thank God, and so I headed to Sam's club last night after working at job 2.  After I'd gotten a few things I headed to the register, paid, then proceeded to the exit where the 'greeter' checks the receipt against the goods in the cart.  As I approached the door I noticed the woman standing there looked bone-weary-tired, and I thought.. wow.. I know how she feels.  I stepped up, handed her my receipt and said, "You look like I feel."  She smiled, albeit a weary smile, and said.. "I'm exhausted."

I asked her if it had been a long day for her, and she replied that it had, but that it's always a long day as she works two jobs.  I told her I was doing the same and still looking for more work, then added that it seems SO much harder to work two p/t jobs than one f/t job.  She nodded in agreement, then told me about her life (in few words)....

She works two jobs because she has to in order to survive.  Neither job pays her a living wage (boy, do I know about that!), so she takes as many hours as they will give her.

"I don't get days off," she stated in that weary tone.  "I work at one job, then I come here.  Then I get up the next day and do it again."  She sighed heavily, smiled and said... "I just don't ever get a day off."

I felt badly for her, and my heart sank as I realized.... she was me.  I wished her well, told her that her hard work was commendable and hoped things got better for her soon.  I walked out into the parking lot in the dying light of dusk and knew that I had just heard my current life story.

I had applied at Sam's but did not get an interview call.  And I would try again.  The tired woman at the exit stated that they pay $8/hr and that they only hire p/t employees [with the exception of management].  Already when I work job 1 and job 2 on the same day I'm away from home for sometimes 13 hours or so.  All of my days off at one place are filled with work at the other.  I was scheduled off for Monday and Thursday of this week at job 2 but was asked if I could or wanted to work Monday (of course I say YES!), and there was a Thursday shift available... so I took that as well.

I met my future.  I saw her weary eyes and tired face and wondered where her spirit and vitality had gone.   She looked defeated, even as she smiled pleasantly and wished every single customer that passed her a good night.  She wished for others what she would not have for herself.  Sounds familiar.

..........seriously.  what else is there to say, except... "Is this all there is?"

I met my future last night, and found it depressing PART 1

Trying to come up with f/t hours with 2 p/t jobs isn't easy at all, and many times it means you're spread thin throughout the week.  We have to do what we have to do.  My chosen career field isn't that easy to get into (another talk show), but my little p/t job within that field is all I have to keep my training and skills going.  For now.  But taking on a second job was crucial to my survival since the one job I have only gives me an average of 15 hours per week at best.

We do what we must to survive.

For the purpose of this blog I will call my 'career job' "job 1," and my 'other' p/t job "job 2.".......

I had high hopes for job 1.  The staff is SUPER small, the clinic being small, though 'big corporation' owned.  Still, I really believed that this would be a huge career move for me.  But little did I know that the place is managed (poorly so) by someone who manages in what I call "Redneck Retail" fashion.  This is NOT a retail job, btw, though there are products that are sold to clients.  That being said, I will continue...

The staff at job 1 is comprised of either housewives who have husbands with incomes, or college kids who still live at home.  Most are wealthy, spoiled, and completely clueless to many of the life lessons that teach us more about compassion, tolerance, selflessness, etc.  Truly, the entire bunch (with the exception of one new employee) are about as "Me, me, me! It's all about me!" oriented.  But the worst of it is the juvenile behavior of the adults, how they wield their power like a loaded handgun in the grasp of an angry 5 yr old.

It took me 18 months to find job 1 after my 11 year relationship ended abruptly and left me without a job, savings, car, etc.  But even though it was p/t it was still in my chosen career field, and I figured I could always get a second job to supplement.  The entirety of the staff, with the exception of myself, has only the one job... because they don't NEED a second job due to their living/life/home/money situations.  I have only myself, so I NEED a second job to survive.  It took 6 months to find that second job, but at least I found one.

Job 2 is TEMPORARY/seasonal.  It pays only min wage but offers a bonus ($1/hr per every hour worked) if the empolyee sticks it out til the end when the store closes on November 1st.  I will continue to look for another p/t job (or f/t) in the meantime.  However, job 1 boss decided to make life very difficult on me.... because I dared to get a second job.

Trust me, I'm getting to the 'future' part.....

Boss of job 1 waited this past week to post the schedule.  Boss of job 2, as per company policy, works around the employees other schedules because the job is only 2 months long and doesn't pay well.  So I waited... and waited for boss of job 1 to post the schedule.  On the day my boss from job 2 needed to make out the schedule for the week I called my boss of job 1 to find out what my schedule there was... and was told that she had not made the schedule yet.  I left a msg, then tried to call again, only to be told she had gone home for the day.  So I left another message telling her that my boss from job 2 HAD to get the schedule made and that if I didn't allow him to schedule me I would get hardly any hours at all, basically what was left over.

I went to work at job 1 the following day and left a note for job 1 boss, explaining that the schedule HAD to be made or I would have lost out.  Boss of job 1 simply stated she would deal with it the following day.

I went to work the day after... and boss of job 1 still had me set at 0.0 hours.  She told me that based on my availability she couldn't do anything about it.  See, here's the problem I have with her excuse....

a.  I am available ALL mornings til early afternoon on ALL days.
b.  I was scheduled OFF TWO DAYS from job 2, and since boss of job 1 schedules me less hours per week than 2 full days, there was NO reason at all why she couldn't schedule me for those two days.
c.  The corporation that owns job 1 has what is known as a 'work/life' program, where they are dedicated to scheduling employees so that their LIFE works well with their job.  They believe they get happier employees that way.
d.  A new employee isn't doing well and the upper staff is NOT happy with her laziness and bad work ethics.  One even mentioned that she simply wasn't interested in the job at all.  But boss of job 1 gives her 25+ hours, works her in the am......

Boss of job 1 simply is throwing a tantrum and wielding her power to do harm to someone because she can.  She's ticked off because I dared to get another job.

But worse... boss of job 1 recently added me on FB.  She never posts anything, never talks to me there, never comments on anything, and didn't even bother to say happy birthday (when she had to others).  She added me to snoop, and last evening I blocked her ability to see my updates and posts.  I simply DO NOT trust her in the least.

I have a bad feeling about where this is going, and I simply do not have the power to stop it.  She's on a mission to wreck my life, and I know this because if it were not for my boss at job 2... my rent wouldn't be paid for October.  As it is, it's barely paid.

I needed two jobs to make it.  I need two jobs to pay my bills, buy food, and have gas and insurance for my car.  This is not a joke.  This is not 'shoe money' or partying money.  This is not fun and games for me.  I'm a grown up with grown up bills.  No person or gov't agency pays my way.  "I" pay my way.

...now about talking to my future last night..

Check out PART 2......

PLEASE stop killing my joy

You give.  Then you take away.  You do what appears to be something nice for me.  Then you make me feel bad for what you do.  You wait 'til I'm incredibly excited, only to complain about how I act when I am.

I'm a bit child-like when it comes to being happy, so when I'm truly happy and excited [under normal conditions] I get a little, well, spaztic.  I get a little too silly, a little to bubbly, a little too scattered.  You KNOW I'm ADHD, even as an adult this hasn't changed.

You've made me feel bad for expressing joy MY way.  You've squashed SO MANY happy moments with your judgment and endless, ranting lectures that ALWAYS reduce me to tears; leaving me depressed and hollow.

Joy lives within me, despite what you like to proclaim.  But the joy is often destroyed by your hateful, careless words, your criticisms and judgments, the cruel things you say and/or do.  And you actually wonder why, during times that would normally induce joy, I'm.... flatlined.

Joy cannot thrive in a hostile environment any more than love can.

I'm tired of feeling nothing---because it's safer to do so.
It's exhausting watching every, single, solitary little thing I say or do or think or feel or express.
It's dehumanizing to stop, literally stop myself from being... me.

You claim to love me (at times).  And I wonder..... do you really?  WHAT is it about me that you love, since you want nearly 100% of me to change.  WHAT is it about me that you love, when you offer little more than venomous cruelty in your words and gestures, your screaming lectures and cold, indifferent silences.

I had joy today.  And you destroyed it completely and totally--along with my appetite.  Why?  Because I'm forgetful and forgot to send you a cell phone pic of the food I bought at the grocery store.......

Was that REALLY worth ruining my night for?  Was it REALLY worth destroying my happiness today... for that?

Nevermind.  I know the answer already.....

SO incredibly tired now.  Drained.  Empty.  Hollow.  Sad.  Lonely.

I'm SO close to just giving up.

SO close.

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"I hate men!"

No.  Not ALL men.  But as far as dating.. I am DONE with that [dating that is], and I have to admit that the thought of getting involved with another man just shuts me down in a huge huge HUGE way.

UGH.

Charlie Brown's Teacher

Sometimes, when people go on and on and on and ON.... they begin to sound like her.  Just sayin'....

So... what is this restlessness about?

Only partly a rhetorical question.   But I do have some idea of what's causing this.  Lack of time to get things done, for one.  Lack of money to get things done, for two.  Lack of direction or a sense of "home," for three.  But then, that third one I'm familiar with, so... what's the deal?

I need a new job.  The one I have sucks SO badly because I'm ALWAYS around people who are ALWAYS bitchy, intolerant, whiney, arrogant, indifferent, cliquish... and SO negative.  Yeah, I know, I know.  I sound so positive myself right now.  But the thing is... I don't WANT to be around them, because when I am... my energy and mood plummets hardcore.  When I'm at my other job, where I feel actually appreciated and part of the team, where I'm around POSITIVE people (no matter WHAT is going on in their lives), well... life just feels different.  "I" feel different.  And that 'other' job is only a few short hours a week and minimum wage.  The job where I'm forced to endure the people and attitudes pays $2/hr more.  But it's SO NOT WORTH IT.

I need a new job.

At this point, I'm not all that picky.  I HAVE to like my job because, let's face it, if you hate your job, you won't do a good job and you will end up quitting or being fired.  How can you spend the majority of your life in a place you hate with people you hate, etc?  You can't.  Not for long anyway.

I'm hungry, but... not.  I'm sleepy, but restless.  I'm lonely, but I appreciate the isolation at the moment.  WTH?

I'll have to finish this one later, I believe......

Wow... A Good Weekend

It happens.  I'm just sayin'...

To Whom it May Concern...

NO.  You may NOT be a bitch to me, especially without good cause.
NO.  You may NOT talk down to me because you 'think' you're better than I am.
NO.  You may NOT make ME responsible for YOUR mistakes and shortcomings.  Lack of insight on YOUR part does NOT constitute an emergency on MY part.  Comprende?

NO.  You may NOT 'delegate' YOUR responsibility to ME.
NO.  You may NOT yell, scream, bitch, condescend, or belittle me.  YOU, to me, are NOT important enough in MY life to take liberties such as those.  Simply put--you're not allowed.

I have been belittled by the best, so what makes you think that I would allow someone like YOU to belittle me? --- Rhetorical question, trust me.

NO.  I will not do YOUR job for you.
NO.  I will NOT allow you to ruin my day with your bitter negativity.
NO.  You may NOT name call or 'label' me at will, or with what YOU wish.

NO.  You are NOT better than me.

I don't care WHAT degree you have, because truthfully... I'm thinking you must have mastered in "BITCH" from what I've witnessed so far.

I don't have trouble hearing.  So use your INSIDE voice when speaking to me.

I don't speak idiot, so if you don't mind, please speak to me as if I'm an intelligent person.  IF you possess the ability, that is.

Just because I follow orders from you doesn't mean I LIKE you.
Just because I follow orders from you doesn't mean I RESPECT you.
I follow orders from you because I need the income.  Sorry, but the truth sometimes hurts.

You don't pay me enough to put up with abusive treatment.  In fact, YOU don't pay me at all.

I GET what you're doing, even when you're too stupid to realize how badly you SUCK at being sneaky.

I remember how NONE of you so much as offered condolences when my brother died.  I went to work that very day and told you all my brother had passed away.  I would have gotten more empathy/sympathy from a freaking carrot.

I remember the day my little 8 yr old ferret "Pixie" died.  She was my first, and you all knew this.  I had to say goodbye to her then drive straight to work.  The ONLY thing ANY of you said to me was, well, my boss... via text message....

ME:  "Hey, I'm in Theodore.  Pixie took a turn for the worst and I'm having to say goodbye to her.  Dr. **** is running late, so I may be about 30 mins late or so. I will get there as soon as possible though."

BOSS: "I hope so!"

D***... you're a coldhearted B*I*T*C*H!!!!!!!  I've seen it in action towards me, but I've also seen it in action at work.  You work in a veterinary clinic, for God's sake!!  Do you not FEEL anything???  Are you THAT dead inside????  Or is it just me and my furkids you're cold towards?

Either way, D***...  SHAME ON YOU!!

My nephew is dying after being hit on his bicycle by a drunk driver.  And you say NOTHING.  It's always the same thing.  NOTHING.

But let's be fair---you're ALL like that.  It seems to me that people who AREN'T like you don't stick around long....

Including me......

..................
I need a job.  But not at the risk of my health or peace of mind.
You're not important enough for me to allow you access to MY well-being.

You know, having a job is a must for most of us, so when it comes down to spending MORE time in a day or week or lifetime.. at your work.... well, if you hate your job and there's simply nothing but stress,  anxiety, lack of respect, etc.... at some point you have to ask yourself, "Is this really worth it?"

I've asked myself this question FAR too many times for just being on the job 6 months.  But I have to admit, it's gotten to where I simply can't handle the negative, bitter, bitchy, 'better-than-thou' crap most of those people subscribe to.

I'm tired of being sick to my stomach and anxious just because I have to work that day (to work THERE that day).  I'm tired of cold, indifferent bitches.

And I'm speaking of ALL OF YOU!  One in particular, in reference to the quotes etc directly above.  But truthfully... NONE OF YOU are exempt.  You are all self-centered, SELFISH freaking people who think of no one and nothing but yourselves.  Shameful.

I wonder how much it has already tarnished my reputation having worked at such a place.  As it is at the moment, I'm doing everything possible to make sure I get out as quickly as I can.  For my health.  For my peace of mind.

A hot meal....

This is America.  Is it too much to ask to be able to afford a hot meal at least once a day?  Maybe a meal that 'isn't' oatmeal or ramen noodles?  REAL food perhaps?

I'm just sayin'.....

Maybe it's because I'm dead tired, worn to the bone big time, not sleeping nearly enough, not eating hardly at all, worried sick and anxious most of the time.  But... I'm beat, literally, to the core.  I'm weak, can't think straight, sore all over almost every single day.  Yeah, yeah... sure, fixing those things listed would help, but it's the ABILITY to fix those things that I'm talking about.

Honestly, is it too much to ask to just be able to sit down and eat a hot meal after you've worked your A$$ off all day?  :(  I'm so tired of being hungry.  And please, if you're reading this and are thinking "maybe get rid of internet and you could buy food!!," don't waste your breath.  My neighbor is kind enough to let me use her wifi, because no... I cannot afford internet.  'Nuff said about that.

I'm hungry.  I mean, really hungry.  And it's frustrating, to say the least.  What's this country come to?  I mean, it's bad enough when you have homeless and hungry people on the street and in shelters.  But seriously..?...when people work their a$$es off and are STILL hungry---there is something VERY wrong.

Yes, I'm grateful that I have a job (two now).  But I've gone from UNemloyed to UNDERemployed.  Better than unemployed?  Yes!  But even with 2 part time jobs that do NOT pay a living wage... well, you get the picture.

Maybe it's not a big deal to some, and I see and hear evidence of that all the time, but it's a very big deal to those who work very hard and still aren't able to meet the financial minimum for most basic needs.

Realistically----there are a lot of us out here falling through the cracks.  And it sucks.

North - East

Sunday, 3:41pm

I want to live in a place where autumn leaves pool about your feet and where frost makes roses look like glass.  I miss being able to see the differences between one season and the next.  There is so much I miss about the North.  And though I've never been or traveled east (Main, Boston, New York).... I think I would like that part of the country for the seasons.

Maybe I'm just over-romanticing the whole "grass is greener" thing.  It wouldn't be the first time.

Too many times I've said I couldn't move somewhere I've never lived because I don't know anyone there.  But seriously, I only know ONE person here.  Would it really be that much different?  I think not.  Challenging in some ways, but the loneliness factor would pretty much remain the same.

Still... a girl can dream.

More on this later.... off to clean my car in this late afternoon.....

Tired. Changes....

Forgive the dullness of this post.  I have to get up early all week, and I mean 4 am to get things done so I can leave for work by 6:50.  *sigh*  I need the hours, but when it c osts $15 round trip each day to go to work, and when I'm only scheduled 4-6 hours... that HURTS. :(  Anyway, I digress....

I'm sleepy as heck at the moment and was contemplating my 50th birthday---next month.  I'm not really freaked out by the number, because I feel 100 yrs old anyway.  Trust me, I'm serious.  But the birthday is only a reminder of a few things, and getting older really isn't 'it.'

It's about time lost...

50 years old and what do I have to show for it?  Kids and grandkids and furkids, and thank GOD for them!  Because outside of that... nothing.  Never owned a home.  Never owned a new car or even got financed for anything at all.  Never 'went on vacation.'  Only just NOW, this year, getting to the career "I" want, and yet almost too damn late to get a degree and licensing to boost the income.  There's a lot of 'nevers,' and that really sucks.  I can't un-ring those 50 bells--time lost is just, well, time lost.

But, contrary to what you may be thinking right now, I'm not lamenting anything.  I do feel some regret, sure.  Maybe quite a bit.  Still, it's really the 'now' that I'm disappointed in.  The past is what it is, but the now is really the lowest situation I've been in.  Well, okay... SECOND lowest.  When I lived in a house with a tin roof, in the woods in Arkansas, with no running water (had to dip it out of a well), no toilet/bathroom (had to go in a bucket and take it outdoors), had to heat the entire home with a wood burning stove--not the cool cast iron ones but the 'tin can' type....had to cook on it too, and the only light inside was ONE bulb in the living room ceiling... yeah, that was the lowest.  But the current is still freaking scary.  At least way back when I lived with the abuser, the psycho, the loon... at least my mom was alive and I could always 'go home' if I needed to.  And back then, I did have small children, one who was only a few months old.  Anyway... the now does bother me.

And the birthday... doesn't help.

My mom stopped making a big deal out of my birthday about age 9.  My birthdays weren't ever a big deal to begin with.  I only remember two parties---one when I was 9, and one when I was 16 and pregnant, within a couple of days of going into labor, and a friend of mine (another pregnant teen).. her mother baked me a cake and we had a small 'party' with the three of us.  I almost ate the entire chocolate cake.  And... they let me.  lol  There were other goodies, so I was the big chocolate fiend.  Good memory, though a bit blurry around the edges.

Anyway, birthdays have never really been a big deal since.  Most of the time my birthday just comes and goes.  *shrugs*  But it's the 'what have I accomplished so far' and the 'is it always going to be bad?' and the 'when is it FINALLY going to be over?!' questions that burn in my mind right now.

I mean, when you feel 100 years old, your chronological age ceases to matter.

Still, I am a little disappointed that things turned out so badly when I'd been trying so hard. One minute I think my life is one way and going one direction, then BAM!  Someone else makes a decision that upends my life entirely.  Yay. <----sarcasm.

Anyway, my tired self is going to put the fuzzies in their cages for the evening, bring my dog's bed into my bedroom (as is our nightly routine) so she can sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed..... and try to get some sleep myself.  And I hope, REALLY hope.... that the voices in my head will shut the heck up long enough so I CAN sleep this time.  The bills, the worry, the stress, the anxiety, the loneliness... will simply have to wait for another day.

Nite nite....
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I was really hoping....

...that today... I would have something positive and uplifting, happy or joyful to talk about.  Hope ended up being little more than a huge, heaping, steaming pile of.......

Okay.  Let me try this again.

It's no giant mystery things are hard for me right now.  It's no huge secret that I don't exactly get to eat every day, or that when I do it's oatmeal or something like that.  It's not like I've kept it a secret, totally, that I'm often awake at night worrying about how I'm going to make it, how I'm not going to end up homeless, etc.  And while I recently found, or was rather presented with a "Plan B," it doesn't mean I don't worry.  Because I do.  BOY, do I.

That lack of sleep and poor nutrition means I end up crashing at some point, once or twice a week, with it lasting some 2-3 days...

Late last night, about 9:45pm, my boss texts me and asked if I wanted the opportunity to work today.  OF COURSE I DO.. So I replied with as much and she told me to be in at 7:30am this morning.  That meant getting about 5 hours sleep, because I had to launder the ONE set of scrubs that fits me now.  I need the income badly, so like anyone in my position... I did what I had to do.  I did my laundry and hit the sack.  At the end of a long day with no break (not complaining, mind you), I clock out to go home.  Once at the car I find my doggone cell phone is on 3% batter power, and when I tried to make a call (to my bf).... it kept failing.  This normally doesn't happen on the other side of the bay where I work.  But, so be it.  I drove home, bleary-eyed, exhausted, with a VERY foggy brain.

Stopped to pay my car insurance (was 3 days from cancellation), then to Winn Dixie to use $15 (more) of my rent to get food.  My mind was shutting down, and I know that signal and what it means.  I feel it when I've not eaten right, when I've skipped meals and/or have not gotten enough sleep.  I simply CANNOT make mistakes at work, because in a medical setting---you HAVE to be able to think CLEARLY at all times.  Period.

I got home, ate what little I bought and felt the rush of hardcore aching go through every limb of my body.  I don't know what's going on when this happens, but if I've not eaten in a very long time, when I do eat... it hurts all over for awhile. Then I get so sleepy that I cannot hold my eyes open.

So yeah, I fell asleep.  Big time.

When I woke I didn't realize what time it was and called my BF.  Instantly... I knew he was in one SERIOUSLY foul mood.  When he's like this it's as if seething hatred pours forth from him in abundance.  His voice is hard.  His manner, intolerant.  And he starts complaining, which usually leads to him yelling, eventually screaming, then.... normally I'm hung up on.  But not until after he inflicts as much damage as possible.  Today was no exception.

He began complaining that he couldn't hear me.  This is nothing new since I don't get a good signal in my apartment.  Oddly, the bad signal is always ten times worse when I'm talking to him.  Anyway, my dog began whining softly, a signal that she needs to go out or is hungry.  It was well past her mealtime, so I scooped a cup of dog food and fed her while I was on the phone, and attempted to move my laundry to the dryer.  It wasn't as if I were watching tv or reading a book, or carrying a conversation with someone else while I was on the phone with him.  Though he's done the same thing to me COUNTLESS times, with the exception of the reading a book part.

The complaining and lecture began, with the "F" word peppering every single, solitary sentence he uttered.  He complained, loudly, that he can never hear me, and suggested (as he's done numerous times) that I drive down the road or something to get a better signal... or don't call him at all.

Of the people I speak with on the phone, he is the only one who says things like this to me.  No one asks me to drive down the road and find a better signal.  No one complains about the subject of the conversation.  No one is ever ugly to me (aka hateful/mean) like that.  Only him.

Only.  Him.

And this man has apologized for the horrible things he says, for the way he treats me...only twice in two years, and only ONCE was it a genuine apology.  He always feels justified, always feels he is being hateful and judgmental, even mean... because he has a 'legitimate' reason.  He always says that if I didn't do this, or if I did that, of if I weren't so... well, you see the picture, I'm sure.  Either way, I am ALWAYS to blame.  I 'make' him behave hateful and disrespectful towards me.  According to him.

SO tired of this.

I don't have all my rent for September.  I don't know exactly how I'm going to pay for the things I have to pay for.  I'm hungry most of the time, nearly all of the time.  I have no idea where I'm going to get gas money to make it to work the rest of this week and next.  I'm scared a LOT of the time, though I try to keep it to myself.  I really, REALLY don't need someone being hateful to me on top of it all.

Seriously.... where's the love?

I'm still SO SO SO tired, and I have to get up at 4am again tomorrow.  I'm not sure when I'll get another day off, and I'm already so exhausted that I'm in tears.  But he could care less.  He doesn't ask how my day was, how I'm feeling, etc.  No compassion.  No empathy.  No patience.  No tolerance whatsoever.  NO KINDNESS.  And definitely.. no love.

wtf?

So here goes the rest of this evening.... sad, tired, defeated, disappointed, anxious, stressed, afraid.

He doesn't care about anything but himself.  So be it.  I'm not begging and pleading anymore.  I'm SO exhausted that I can't even cry about this.  It hurts me that he's so cruel and uncaring.  But I can't even bring myself to cry.  I really, really am way too tired to cry.

Due to a temporary change at work means the next week is going to be intense and stressful.  I need my wits about me.  But then....

...quite honestly... some days... I just want to disappear.

But that's another talk show.

Work, Worry, Health MIA

I was going through my iPhone a little while ago looking for pics I hadn't uploaded to Facebook yet, and I ran across some of me from just a few months ago.  Damn.  It's amazing what worry, stress, not eating, malnutrition, insomnia (due to stress/worry), etc. will do to a person.  I mean, I KNOW this happens, and I've seen it happen to others, watched shows on it (back when I had tv).   But I never thought it would happen to me.

But it did.

I looked at photos from 3 months ago, 6 months ago, one year ago... 2 years ago, and I am absolutely SHOCKED at how different I look.  Not just the weight I've put on, but something about my eyes is vastly different.  I look sick/ill, tired, empty.  There is absolutely NO vibrance in the recent pics at all.  In fact, 'fatigued' and 'worn out/haggard' seems to be the common theme in photos these days.  This is why I simply don't take pictures of myself anymore.  And it took 2/3 of my life to be okay with taking any at all.

But this isn't about photos.  It's about what the photos captured.  It worries me, where I am, and where I'm headed.  I'm not afraid of dying at all.  But I am afraid of dying slowly and with pain or suffering.  Either way, the clock is ticking.  I could feel it, but now I can actually SEE it.

I know how I was eating when the earlier pictures were taken.  My life wasn't stress-free by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I was able to eat healthily, take good vitamins, etc., which gave me the energy to exercise, work, LIVE.  But it also gave me the energy to deal with the physical aspects of stress.

Since my diet changed from whole foods to processed, unhealthy foods, when I had to skip meals, sometimes skip eating for days (the longest was a week), then eat ramen noodles or oatmeal or beans, no fruit for days or weeks, no veggies for days or weeks... everything changed.  Bags under my eyes began to appear, my skin became dull, and I've been dealing with mysterious rashes that itch insanely.  And then there's the depression.

I don't work enough hours and gas to get to/from work is about $200/mo on average.  When you only bring home about $600-$700 per month in income and your gas costs you $200 per month... you're in deep shit, my friends.

Most would say... "So suck it up and get a second job!!!"  Yeah, if it were only that easy.  Wake up, people, those of you who give advice NOT based on experience.  We are STILL in a bad BAD way in this economy, and there are people with 4 year degrees competing for the crap job those of us with 2 year degrees (or no degree at all) are fighting like hell for.  Many of us are falling through the cracks.  I'm one of them.

And here's the thing: when you've gone without food, especially good food, for this long, when you can no longer sleep and feel positively sick/ill most of the time, when the depression sinks its teeth into you.... it's a HUGE feat to just sit through one of those godawful 1-2 hour long application processes that most of these companies use now.  You're not even human to them anymore, so the folks that own the companies, run the companies, do the hiring... are SO far removed from the human aspect of it all that you, even to the person you're face-to-face with (if you're lucky to get that far).....only see you as a number, one of the many, all lumped into one giant blur at the end of the day.

This sort of thing sucks the life right out of a person.  It sucked the life out of me, that's for sure.  And I have the photos to prove it.

It's hard to be motivated for work when your boss really could care less if you make enough to live on.  When there are hours available to hand out and they're handed out to the boss's buddies..... well, it often means you force yourself to show up for your shift.  And you can't help but know that the first couple of hours you work that day are JUST to pay for your gas to and from work that day.  And when you're only scheduled for 4 hours.... well, you see the problem.

No wonder I look and feel like shit.

I miss the healthy me.  I do remember her.  I've not lost sight of who I was, nor am I in the dark about who I am right now.  I'm a mere shadow of who I was a few months ago.  And well, to be fair, the change in me isn't only about the job and finances....  there's another giant factor....

....but that's for another post entirely.

Kate Earl ~ You can't Treat me That Way

The 'weekend' continues....

So here it is... Saturday.  The first 'storm' blew over, or so I thought, but a new one began within minutes of me getting off work.  The first person I call is the one I want to talk to most, the one I want to share joy with... and so I did just that.  But that joy died a swift and painful death.  One minute I was on the phone and happy as can be, and the next.. I'm talking to myself.  I hear the sound of the 'hang up' on my iPhone....

So I call him back thinking it was a mistake.  I'm still pretty happy at this point.  I called a couple of times and the VM kept picking up.  Long story short.... he hung up on me.  For the 1,000,000,000,000th time.

So what the hell did I do?.... THIS time?

I still don't know.  But the details of the txt msgs and such really aren't important for this post, because the bottom line is: This happens every single solitary weekend.  AND... nearly every single time I'm super happy.  Trust me on this.  Being happy.... means I end up crying.

I got a few extra hours today and was SO glad.  I got to see my favorite patient today and was thrilled.   There were a couple more 'joyous' moments, but my point here is that these joys aren't allowed to last very long.. unless I keep them to myself.

So he broke up with me.  He said that he wasn't going to be 'available' to me much anymore and complained that I have 'stuff' to do and suggested I do that stuff and leave him alone.  So.... let me explain what my 'stuff' is....

I live alone.  I have a basset hound and three ferrets, which means I have chores.  I have regular household chores as well.  I have to walk my dog so she can go, feed her, fill food and water bowls, clean litter areas, etc.  At some point in the day I need to take a shower, especially if I've worked and handled a lot of pets that day.  I have to change clothes when I get home from work, and hopefully.. if I'm very lucky... I get to eat.  Somewhere in that 24 hours I have to get sleep, because I am 49 years old (50 end of next month) and don't have the stamina of a 20 year old.  I NEED to sleep, and most of the time I'm getting about 5 hours a day because I stay up talking to him (which he says isn't enough).  I feel like crap, look like crap... but I do it.  Some days.. it catches up with me and my body forces me to sleep (it's not a healthy).

My 'stuff' consists of everyday chores that most people have to deal with.  However, most people have a significant other or kids or roommate to share the household duties.  I don't.  I have to do it myself or it doesn't get done.

I work outside the home.  He doesn't.  He can sleep in the middle of the day if he needs to.  He can sleep in half the day if he wants to.  I can't do this.  When I'm at work I'm at work.  And the health and safety of the pets at work are first and foremost when I'm there, and I can't be 100% on the job if I haven't slept in days.

He said he doesn't care anymore.  He says that a lot.  When will I actually allow myself to BELIEVE those words?

It's the weekend, and my weekends suck for the most part.  It's hard enough worry about income and the possibility of being homeless, being hungry all the time with no food money, being sleepy and tired and lonely...

How much more can I take?

I don't know.

It's Friday again. The Friday-Meanness.....

Friday.  This is the one day of the week most people look forward to, even if they have to work the weekend.  For me, Friday is just another day of the week, and one that (in one respect) makes it one of the worst days.  It would be nice if that weren't the case.

For some time now Fridays have been.... trying.  I often allow myself to look forward to them but am usually disappointed.  There is a pattern, one that isn't even mine... but one that greatly affects me.  I can't change the pattern because, well, the pattern and behavior(s) are that of someone else.  And we know we can't change other people.

I'm exhausted today (Friday) so I'm not terribly optimistic.  The day began VERY badly because I got my ass chewed for not knowing how to do something.  And this something is something you CANNOT do unless you know how.  This is what I get for offering to help someone who isn't willing to help me help them.  I'm screamed at, hung up on, and all because I don't know how to do this particular job/task.  It's involved, VERY involved, and not something that can be done quickly or easily.. even if you DO know how.

I should be focusing more on MY situation, but instead.. I volunteered my time to help someone.  I'm not asking for anything in return, not even money.  But this does help this person's business in a huge way.  But seriously... it's taking hours and hours of trial and error and reading tutorials, phone calls, research.... and I STILL don't know how to do this.

But I'm not going to focus on that one thing.  The real topic here is why one person in my life seems to get mean as a rattlesnake EACH AND EVERY FRIDAY.  WTF?

THIS week, aside from the train-myself thing, there's this other recurring issue that really is quite the double-edged sword... talk, or the lack thereof.

I've never been able to talk easily.  I often don't know what to say or how to say it and know I'm boring so don't really have much of anything interesting to say.  But given that, I do try.  Over time, since childhood, I've struggled with this and often just resigned myself to listening more than talking.  At 49 yrs old it's a huge part of who I am.  The balance to that... I get excited about something and often say too much, talk too much.  Either way.. both scenarios are annoying to some people, my BF included.

Before I sent this text I called him.  No answer.  Then I text him, and he wrote back that he was in the tub.  Rather than call and talk to me.. he continued to text.  He was making jokes about a particular thing, and I was responding with "LOL" or other short little responses... because I didn't know what else to say.  If we had been on the phone I would have laughed and said "you're so silly.'  But I guess my texts weren't interesting enough or amusing enough, and the Friday-Meanness continues.

The last text I received was:  "Well, my word count greatly out weighs yours so I am off to amuse myself."

Every.  Single.  Freakin'.  Friday.  WHY the hell can't I be allowed to have ONE happy weekend without drama???  I had a really good day at work despite the ass chewing that happened immediately before I left for work.  I didn't get to share any of that with my BF because he's apparently not interested in that.

"...so I'm off to amuse myself" pretty much says it all, doesn't it?  "I" wasn't "amusing" enough.  But then, I guess I didn't realize I was kept around for amusement.

Well alrighty then.  I guess I'll just continue finishing my laundry for work tomorrow and go to bed.  I do have to get up and work so I need to keep focusing on my life.  I'm too tired this evening to stress out over whether or not I happen to be amusing enough for him to be kind to me.

*sigh*

So what is it about me you DO like?

It's been a long, difficult road.  I show you love, give you love, and make sure you don't go a day without knowing how I feel about you.  And yet, the level of disrespect you show me is astounding and often brings me to my knees.

I call to talk to you because I miss you, love you, care about you, and am interested in your life and how your day is going.  But too many times you find a reason, ANY reason... to hang up on me.

When I reach out to you, when I'm feeling down, when I most need someone to care... you turn cold, uncaring, and down-right mean.  I simply do not understand......

I just don't understand.

Seriously... have I lost my mind?

....Rhetorical question.

Because I already know the answer.  I MUST have lost my mind to put up with the crap I've been dealing with lately.  I mean, SERIOUSLY, what the hell is wrong with people these days???

....NOT a rhetorical question.

I have tried SO hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, to forgive beyond what most would tolerate (FAR beyond), and it's only brought me grief.  So why on earth do I continue to do it?  Good question.  Now if someone would kindly tell me the answer.....

Yes, yes.. I know.  Only "I" know the answer to that.  Still, I'm in awe of the abuses people are all too willing to dish out; the behaviors that even my 13.5 year old granddaughter would find 'childish.'  And these are ADULTS I'm talking about.  I swear it's true---it's not who you know, it's who you blow.  Metaphorically speaking, but the truth is... kiss enough ass and you get your way.  SAD SAD SAD.

People lately have left me SO unimpressed.  The meanness, lies, gossiping, drama, the ceaseless string of BS that, in the end, really only ends up as a comedy of errors anyway.  Again... I'm SO unimpressed by this.

I have enough on my plate (only wish it were food!).  I don't NEED or have time for BS.  People do nothing but take, take, take and want more when they've gotten it all.  WTF?

I'm trying to survive on 14-20 hours per week, and that's a stretch!  My boss is nothing short of unprofessional (as is most who work where I work), and it's a den of angry little children, ranging in age from 20 to 40 (excluding myself).  Honestly, someone in a position of authority should lead by GOOD example.  The examples set recently only promote and encourage DRAMA.  And guess what? It works.  Nothing but drama, drama, drama.  I'm sick to death of it. SICK to death of it all.  My BS tolerance meter is pegged.

Yep. I'm ticked.  I'm tired of having to live off of less than $130/wk on a job that is only bringing me pure grief and taking WAY more in gas to go there and back.  I mean, how smart is it to schedule someone with a 30 minute commute?  I mean, COMMON SENSE may lend insight to that, one would think.  I have LESS than two days worth of hours per week... spread over 3-5 (sometimes six!) days!  WTFH?!!!  I can't do this crap for much longer.

And then there's this little thing of spending MY time trying to help someone, who isn't willing to help me help them.  Work for free... to help their business, VOLUNTEER (when I desperately need to work on MY income), only to have them bitch and complain within LESS than an hour of starting.   The belittling, snide remarks, disrespect, hang ups... all because I ask two questions.  Um.  REALLY?  I'm told to teach myself.  Um.  REALLY?  It took me HOURS today to get done what I did... only to find out it was all wrong.  I do NOT know databases.  I have NOT done this kind of work before.  So if I ask a question.... why the hell is it some indication that I'm an idiot or moron?  Oh yeah, because this person has on MANY occasions called me just that.  THAT is another talk show for another time.

And yes... I DO realize this is turning into a bitch session.  Sorry... but this is my place to vent, and I DO need to vent.. or blow.  Period.  The shit I've dealt with lately is nothing short of abuse, and I.. am.. SICK.. of it.

I can't afford rent (lowest around too).  I can't afford food.  I can't afford anything.  Thank God my neighbor allows me to use her wifi.  I can only access it in one location of the apartment, and at times i can't access it at all, but hey.. it's something.

I don't expect anyone to save me.  People aren't the saving type anyway---that went out of vogue eons ago.  People now are all about themselves, wanting you to be there for them whenever for whatever, but they aren't available at all when you need someone, and I mean REALLY need someone to talk to.  Ok.
whatever.

I'm hungry, afraid, worried, anxious, depressed, fed up, headachy and nauseous... so I'm not in the best of moods.  The worry makes me angry, and I'm not the angry type.  I deal with ridiculous insensitivities from nearly everyone I know, and it's just infinitely disappointing.

*sigh*

Time to take my dog out.  At least I have my animals.  They have more humanity than most of the people I've known in my lifetime.... combined.

For the record... please, no Polyanna-ish answers.  They don't help anyone.  Nor does "it will get better!" and "Hang in there" and "Think positive!" statements.  Most utter those phrases as a kneejerk response (because it's easy and takes no real effort or feeling or compassion), and they do not really offer any kind of real solution or, better yet.... any real encouragement.  Diminishing the seriousness of another's situation, feelings, etc. is unkind at best.
.
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.
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Consistently... inconsistent.

Dear......

I can't even recall the number of times you've raked me over the coals because I took too long to call or text you.  I paid the price, sometimes for days, for that 'indiscretion,' even if there was a good reason for my being quiet.  But for the number of times you've been angry at me, even punished me, for this perceived slight, the numbers are still quite small in comparison to your own 'absences.'

Today... you have fallen off the grid yet again.

The times I've asked you what happened, why you said you'd call at 'x' time and didn't.... for 4, 5, even 6 hours after that time, you've become angry.  Very angry.  Accusatory.  My friends say the same thing about this, their opinions being that you were somewhere and/or with someone and/or doing something that you knew I wouldn't approve of.  I can't say for sure, because "I" wasn't there.  And you always have what you consider a good reason or explanation.  I'm here to tell you that, although I kept my silence about these times... they bothered me then... and still do.  Including... today.

The last I heard from you was last night very late.  I was so sleepy, exhausted... and had to get off the phone to sleep.  You said, "I'll talk to you in the morning."  Well, it's 2:08 PM and I've yet to hear from you.  I've called your home number and got no answer.  I sent text messages... with no answer.  You posted on Facebook this morning.... yet you didn't call me.  Wow.  Am I ever low on YOUR list these days.

Love.  I'm giving that word a lot of thought lately.  Over the past few months I've had to reconcile what "I" think love is with my recent experiences.  I mean, yes... you've been loving sometimes, but also not at other times.  If love IS.. it should always be present, regardless of the other surrounding and momentary/temporary emotions of the given moment.  You can be angry with someone and still love them.  It all comes down to consideration, doesn't it?

Do you ever consider me or my feelings when you choose to do the negative, hurtful, humiliating etc things you do?  Do you consider my feelings when you give me your word....and don't bother following through, leaving me to guess for hours and hours, sometimes days... as to where I stand with you and how I fit (or not) into your life?

My guess at this point is that.... you don't.  My feelings, really, seem to APPEAR to matter very little.  By your own definition of love, going by what YOU say with regards to the expression of love... by YOUR definition.... it looks like... you have very little love for me.

Anyone can be nice, kind, and loving now and then.  The true test is the consistency in the behaviors that say... "I love you."

You're silent.  Time today passes and passes... tick tock tick tock.  This isn't the first time you've left me in silence.  I doubt very much it will be the last.

I listened to another video today, several actually by ABRAHAM-HICKS, where she/they are speaking of the FEELING of joy, of being in alignment.  On one of the videos they spoke of ignoring someone because what they're saying or doing is hurtful, because it DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  I've no had a chance to speak to you today, so I know you're not ignoring me because of that.  However, I'm hard pressed now to think.... I should be ignoring YOU today because what you are doing right now, have been doing all day, DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  And it's ruining my energy.

While I could sit here and just feel bad, I think I'd rather feel JOY instead.  I'm going to choose to feel good RIGHT NOW, because really.... that's all I have, isn't it?  I understand fully that I can't rely on ANYONE else to make me happy.  And.. it's no one else's job to make me happy.  That job.. is mine and mine alone.  This doesn't mean others can't contribute to that happiness or greatly enhance my feeling of joy.  Because I know this CAN and DOES happen.  But really.... I'm it.  Joy depends on ME.

Over time I've come to realize and accept as well that I first have to feel joy.  Once I'm in alignment and IN the vortex, THEN my life begins to flourish and blossom and glow from within.  As much as I love you, I simply cannot allow you to strip me of joy.  I can't continue to rely on you for love or happiness or joy or.... anything really.  I'm grateful for the good things we have, but I know I can't rely on that.

You see, I want to be happy ALL of the time.  I want to feel joy ALL of the time.  I want to be excited about my life from the moment I wake up... till the second I fall asleep.  I'm responsible for that time period and what I choose to fill it with.  I can feel happy and turn my thoughts, attention and focus on those things that make me happy, that give me joy.  I choose happiness and joy.

My goal is to be happy, to love myself AS IS each and every single second of every single day.  My goal is to focus on things that make me feel... amazing inside, full of vibrant life and joyful abundance.  Whatever those things are.  No matter WHAT those things are, THAT is what I'm going to give my undivided attention to.  Because..... I'm worth it.

.....I just deleted a couple of paragraphs of complaints.  I realized how easily I had succumbed to that and, well, deleted all I'd written in that vein.

FOCUS.

I am now going to find something to do that makes me happy.  Period.  I am giving NO more thought to the events and disappointments of the day.

FOCUS.  JOY.  HAPPINESS.  PEACE.  WELL BEING.  LOVE.

PERIOD.

:)

I am SO confused...

So what else is new?  :/

I like consistency.  Not so much predictability (that can be somewhat boring at times), but consistency.  Well, I suppose that's somewhat a form of predictability, isn't it?

Like anyone, I also like surprises now and then.  Good ones.  Not the shocking kind that make you anxious.  So... where does the unpredictable ups and downs and back and forth of mood and emotion from others stem from?  Who knows for sure.  Well, I for one can really do without that.  You know, walking on eggshells is really stressful to me, and it's not in the least bit fun.

Loving to the extreme one minute, impatient, intolerable, and snappish the next.  I never know what to think or do, how to act or behave one minute to the next.  This robs me of my peace.  My harmony is discordant.  Under those conditions... I do...not...thrive.  I die.  Inside... I empty.

Blindsided by the display of irritation I get from him.  He tells me often that I irritate or annoy him.  I hear it SO often.

Loving one minute, almost gushing.  And the next....

Well, I have a lot of life issues I MUST deal with, or I'm going to slip through the cracks and be swallowed by an unforgiving economy and indifferent world.  I have ME.  I am the only one who has my back.  I have to be my best friend.  I have to love myself, live with myself, and wake up to ME every day of my life.  So not only do I have to like/love who I am, have self-respect, but I also have to demand it of others as well.

I suppose it's time to stop waiting for my SO to decide that it's a GOOD thing to keep kindness, tolerance, love, empathy, sympathy and respect... CONSISTENT.  Those things should always be there.

I'm reveling in confusion right now.  I have NO idea what to think or what to do.  I don't usually, but even less so right at this moment.

Make demands of me and assume I'm not busy or doing anything else.  Assume I'm an IDIOT (as you often say I am) when I don't know how to do something I've never done before.  Yeah, it makes a lot of sense for you to get irritated and pissed and hateful.

When we're texting.. I have NO idea what you're doing at that moment, unless you tell me that is.  If you don't tell me you're busy when YOU actually initiate the texting, don't get pissed at ME because I'm texting BACK.  Don't assume it's okay with me when you make snide comments and tell me I'm interrupting what you're doing....when I'm texting you.  YOU initiated the texting and TOLD me to do something, without ever asking if I was busy, could or even wanted to.  You began the texting with me, and you're NOT ALLOWED to treat me like shit simply because in a heartbeat YOU decide (without telling me) that you're too busy, or you're watching a tv program, etc.

I'm NOT psychic.

I'm irritated.  I'M annoyed.  Your behavior and treatment of me is often overblown and uncalled for, not to mention UNACCEPTABLE.

This is a new emotion I feel towards you now.  I didn't used to feel irritation or annoyance at you, even when you were unbelievably hateful, judgmental, critical, etc. of me.  But that's changed.

Right now.  Right at this very moment I AM irritated and annoyed.

But even so... I am SO confused.

When you're sick....

What does it mean when the person who claims to love you... can't seem to stop being hateful even when you're sick?  I tend to think this says a lot about someone.  Don't you?

I've had a bit of a rough go of things over the last few weeks.  I had oral surgery (NOT my idea) on December 23rd and spent most of Christmas through New Year's in pain.  On New Year's Eve my bf decided to have a meltdown over something incredibly trivial (what time I decided to eat)... so the new year rang in with him barely making it into the living room at his house (I was visiting for the holidays) to see the 'ball drop.'  His eyes were on the television.... well, that story's already been visited, so I'm not going there again.  But the point here is... I've not been feeling well for nearly a month now.  I deal with CFS and fibromyalgia, so I already don't feel like a million bucks, but add flu (haven't been sick in 10 years)... and then complications arising from flu (severe bronchitis and sinusitis), then complications from the medicine that was supposed to help relieve the symptoms (complications/side effects were a migraine-like condition that was far worse than the original problem).

At first my BF seemed sweet about things.  AT FIRST.  But isn't it always like that?  I'm lured into a false sense of security, then wham.....the truth comes out.

I get lectured, yelled at, judged, and receive the full brunt when he decides to attack my character.  I'm always left thinking.... 'WTH?  Where did all THIS come from and what has it to do with anything?'

He doesn't like me.  He's never liked me.  I often think he's simply putting up with me til something better comes along. He's made it painfully clear MANY times that I'm beneath him.  And trust me... there is NO mistaking his words or meaning when he does this.

But I'm barely feeling relief from the migraine-like symptoms, and I'm spending my last night of THIS particular visit with him feeling lonely.  This is nothing new.  Nothing new at all.  In fact, there is nothing at all surprising in how he's behaving.

I felt so incredibly bad Sunday night, and he chooses then, in the car on the way home, to play the stereo SO loud that my head feels like it's going to split in two.  He knew I had this migraine-like thing going on, and he just, what... decides to forget?  Or is it that he just doesn't care?  I have a theory....

We were on our way back to his house from his parent's when he cranked the stereo up to a ridiculous level.  While at his mother's house he mentioned going to the grocery store.  His mother could see how sick I was and kept telling him I needed to go home and rest, that I was sick, that I didn't need to be out in the cold going to the grocery store in this condition.  HE wanted something from the store, this was clear.  I didn't want or need anything... except to go home and rest.  But HE wanted to go.  So I offered the option to just go to the store.  I could tell he wasn't happy about not going, but... he chose to just go home.... and blared the stereo the entire way there.  It was awful.

I noticed other things too.... like his wanting me to cook something, put a movie in the DVD player (when he was sitting right there), get this, fetch that, do this, do that...  I was so sick I couldn't sit up well and felt like throwing up when I did.  The ONLY times in my life where my head hurt this bad was during a migraine.  I LOOKED like hell.  Personally, I think he resented me for being sick.

When HE was sick a couple of weeks before (yes, I caught this from HIM) he was hateful.  Now when I'm sick... he's hateful.  No winning for losing here.

There were other expectations and demands made that were even more telling than the above.  Again, I'm going home tomorrow with a LOT to think about.

I read something tonight that made me take notice.  I've not given up entirely on being married again, though that's just a recent thing since meeting my bf.  Before that.. I'd written it off as an option of any kind for any reason.  So when I read an article (in slideshow fashion) from New Age and Wellness... I took notice in a big way.  It was the top 5 right AND wrong reasons for getting married.  Two of them.. really hit home, though they all did in some form or fashion...

the above is the most prominent, the one that REALLY made me sit forward.  One reason for this is that during my bf's obvious resentment at my being sick... one person stepped forward and expressed genuine concern, even to the point of offering to pay for me to see a dr (out of work and no insurance).  It wasn't the offer of financial help that touched me, but the voicemail I received from this person.  There was NO mistaking the kindness, the genuine concern this person has.  It brought me to tears.  Is this person the love of my life?  Of course not.  But his kind and caring behavior was in SUCH contrast to what had happened just a few minutes before... blew me away.

Those moments before the phone call:  my bf was yelling at me, telling me that MY being sick was basically interrupting his life, that I secretly WANT to be sick (or I wouldn't BE sick, he says), that I like the attention (WHAT attention?  I don't know but a couple of people and that's IT), that it's inconvenient for him, disrupting his life, his energy, and that I'm basically lazy and sit around wanting everyone to take care of my life, etc., etc.  The judging and criticizing became about EVERYTHING and ended up having very little to do with my being sick.  But there I was....crying my heart out as this lecture went on and on.  I ticked him off because I was going to go to the doctor.  I was VERY sick and NEEDED to see a dr.

I'd coughed so hard that I couldn't hardly breathe the night before.  He complained that it kept him awake.  He went into the guest bathroom to sleep. Not in one of the two guest bedrooms, not in the living room... the bathroom.

My being sick was really... all about him.  And it still is.  I'm supposed to be super human when I'm well, even when I'm sick.

He doesn't know how his condemnation of me stands in contrast to the voicemail I received just after the lecture.  I didn't delete the voicemail.... because, truly, it was one of the most heartfelt and kind things a human being has ever expressed to me.

The above... is a huge one.  This one I'm dealing with as we speak.  I really don't have to do much to incite his anger, his resentment, his contempt, his wrath... or his passive/aggressive punishments.  I don't have any delusions that marriage fixes anything.  People should never marry to 'fix' problems anyway, because it never ever ever works.  Not ever.

You know, I even looked at the pics associated with the 'reasons' in that article/slideshow.  I know they're stock pics, models, etc... but still.  My gosh.  "I" want that in a relationship.  I want someone to look at me like that.. hold me like that.  I want to look at someone and see myself in their eyes.  I want someone who wants to make love to me.

I can't believe I've written this much when I feel so bad.  Oh well..... par for the course.  I've a long, lonely, anxiety-filled night ahead of me.

Oh, and for the record... when I told the doctor it had been 10 years since I'd gotten sick.. he said, without a single second of hesitation... "Stress."  And he patted my shoulder.  I think he could tell I'd been crying earlier.

Go figure.

Looking for a Fight, Are We?

When someone becomes incensed because you offered to wait to eat a meal so you could eat it with them...
When someone throws a remote control at you because you agreed with something they said...
When the 'now' fades into 'everything I've ever perceived you doing wrong...'...
When all the seemingly mundane things that no one ever pays any attention to becomes fodder for fighting...

......there is someone LOOKING for a fight.

There isn't an REASON for a fight, so... something has to be 'made up,' and anything and everything, to a fighter and drama junky... is fair game.

I used to waste an enormous amount of precious time trying to figure out what "I" did to make my bf angry at me.  Asking only pissed him off more.  Offering explanation only pissed him off more.  Choosing to be the martyr when nothing would appease him.... only pissed him off more.  Remaining in a positive mindset only pissed him off more.  Apologizing, when there wasn't anything TO apologize for.... only pissed him off more too.  Tonight, after a ruined day filled with anxiety, depression, stress, gloominess and drama.... my spirit began to sag and atrophy under the onslaught of all the negativity.  But when someone decides to be utterly careless in their tantrums... I draw the line.  Period!

A trip to the grocery store while he has a DARK and negative mood ended with his smashing my finger between the shopping cart and a huge plastic bin he was pulling out of the cart while I was trying to take things out.  He barely squeezed out a mumbled 'sorry'... but never asked how my finger was, etc.

Later in the evening..... I flirted with him heavily and left to no uncertain terms what I wanted to do (wink).... and he began complaining, and complaining in the vein where he's complaining about everything he thought I did over the past year we've known one another.  When he did return to the present.. he just continued to whine and complain, challenging me with questions every step of the way. At one point... he said something, rather a statement posed as a question (rhetorical)... and when I agreed.. he threw the remote at me, carelessly, and it bounced off my wrist bone.  It hurt.  No it wasn't bone crushing, but I don't do physical tantrums like that.  I just DON'T.  Twice in one day is TOO much.

The tantrum continues... as he's retreated to his office in a huff and has shut the door.  Fine.  I'm really okay with that.  But it's my circumstances here that really make this situation precarious and stressful, not to mention unhealthy.

Long way from home.  Stuck because my car broke down.  Waiting on tires he didn't bother to order until the last possible second (or I would be home right now)... for a vehicle he was going to loan me while mine is being repaired.  He's doing the repairs... so I wonder how long that will take.  I paid to have it towed here.  I pay for food I eat here.  I pay for food HE eats.  I pay and pay and pay.  I pay ALWAYS to come visit.  He NEVER helps, not once, and I've been coming here to visit him for nearly a year now.

What the hell was I thinking?!
What the hell AM I thinking?!

My physical and emotional health has suffered.  I've gained SO much weight.  I feel horrible all the time.  ALL that money I used to come see him could have been spent on the BHRT I was on that had improved my quality of life in a huge way.  I could have paid bills with it all or saved it!!!  I'm SO angry with myself right now.  SO angry.  But I have to let it go.  I HAVE to.  The money is gone, and I can't bring it back.

I pay money I can't afford to pay for gas to come here.  I'm expected to clean his house.  He lets his cat in then tells me a minute later to go get the cat and put her outside.  He's supposed to drop something off at his sister's or mom's house... and he makes/expects ME to take those things to the door.

Do this, do that, get this, fetch that... and on and on and on and on.  At first.. I loved doing things to help him out, but now it's just demanded and expected and that makes me feel USED.

WTH is wrong with me??!!  I feel like I've just awoken from a drug-induced stupor!  OMG.... what have I done?  :(

I've burned through so much of my savings.  HE is taken care of.  HE doesn't have to worry because his parents will pick up the pieces if his life falls apart.  I only have ME.  No parents.  No family.  My sons are struggling themselves, so it's not like I can turn to them if my life falls apart (which it's trying to do as we speak).

Trying not to panic here.....

Drama VS Peace

Ever notice that the people who complain about drama are the ones having it the most? lol  It's always amazed me when I listen to people say they don't want drama, don't like drama, don't 'do' drama... and yet, they have SO much of it in their lives.

In the midst of calm those people will most often find a way to stir things up; be it a badly veiled insult in the guise of humor, or out-right rudeness, or simply going off over the most stupid thing.

Peace isn't always obtained easily, and in the midst of turmoil or unrest it can be quite difficult.  However, by avoiding drama.... peace is far more possible.  Don't you think?  Choosing NOT to be offended.  Choosing NOT to be angry.  Choosing NOT to be ugly or judgmental.  Choosing NOT to complain.  Choosing NOT to gossip.  Choosing NOT to go down those roads that upset others.

Choosing instead... kindness, calm, stillness within, acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness....

So many choices, so why on earth choose the worst or the most negative of all?

Doesn't make a bit of sense to me whatsoever.

There are those who see being sick as 'drama.'  Illness in and of itself isn't drama, but someone judging or complaining about that person being sick... is.

Simple, really.