I've had a bit of a rough go of things over the last few weeks. I had oral surgery (NOT my idea) on December 23rd and spent most of Christmas through New Year's in pain. On New Year's Eve my bf decided to have a meltdown over something incredibly trivial (what time I decided to eat)... so the new year rang in with him barely making it into the living room at his house (I was visiting for the holidays) to see the 'ball drop.' His eyes were on the television.... well, that story's already been visited, so I'm not going there again. But the point here is... I've not been feeling well for nearly a month now. I deal with CFS and fibromyalgia, so I already don't feel like a million bucks, but add flu (haven't been sick in 10 years)... and then complications arising from flu (severe bronchitis and sinusitis), then complications from the medicine that was supposed to help relieve the symptoms (complications/side effects were a migraine-like condition that was far worse than the original problem).
At first my BF seemed sweet about things. AT FIRST. But isn't it always like that? I'm lured into a false sense of security, then wham.....the truth comes out.
I get lectured, yelled at, judged, and receive the full brunt when he decides to attack my character. I'm always left thinking.... 'WTH? Where did all THIS come from and what has it to do with anything?'
He doesn't like me. He's never liked me. I often think he's simply putting up with me til something better comes along. He's made it painfully clear MANY times that I'm beneath him. And trust me... there is NO mistaking his words or meaning when he does this.
But I'm barely feeling relief from the migraine-like symptoms, and I'm spending my last night of THIS particular visit with him feeling lonely. This is nothing new. Nothing new at all. In fact, there is nothing at all surprising in how he's behaving.
I felt so incredibly bad Sunday night, and he chooses then, in the car on the way home, to play the stereo SO loud that my head feels like it's going to split in two. He knew I had this migraine-like thing going on, and he just, what... decides to forget? Or is it that he just doesn't care? I have a theory....
We were on our way back to his house from his parent's when he cranked the stereo up to a ridiculous level. While at his mother's house he mentioned going to the grocery store. His mother could see how sick I was and kept telling him I needed to go home and rest, that I was sick, that I didn't need to be out in the cold going to the grocery store in this condition. HE wanted something from the store, this was clear. I didn't want or need anything... except to go home and rest. But HE wanted to go. So I offered the option to just go to the store. I could tell he wasn't happy about not going, but... he chose to just go home.... and blared the stereo the entire way there. It was awful.
I noticed other things too.... like his wanting me to cook something, put a movie in the DVD player (when he was sitting right there), get this, fetch that, do this, do that... I was so sick I couldn't sit up well and felt like throwing up when I did. The ONLY times in my life where my head hurt this bad was during a migraine. I LOOKED like hell. Personally, I think he resented me for being sick.
When HE was sick a couple of weeks before (yes, I caught this from HIM) he was hateful. Now when I'm sick... he's hateful. No winning for losing here.
There were other expectations and demands made that were even more telling than the above. Again, I'm going home tomorrow with a LOT to think about.
I read something tonight that made me take notice. I've not given up entirely on being married again, though that's just a recent thing since meeting my bf. Before that.. I'd written it off as an option of any kind for any reason. So when I read an article (in slideshow fashion) from New Age and Wellness... I took notice in a big way. It was the top 5 right AND wrong reasons for getting married. Two of them.. really hit home, though they all did in some form or fashion...
the above is the most prominent, the one that REALLY made me sit forward. One reason for this is that during my bf's obvious resentment at my being sick... one person stepped forward and expressed genuine concern, even to the point of offering to pay for me to see a dr (out of work and no insurance). It wasn't the offer of financial help that touched me, but the voicemail I received from this person. There was NO mistaking the kindness, the genuine concern this person has. It brought me to tears. Is this person the love of my life? Of course not. But his kind and caring behavior was in SUCH contrast to what had happened just a few minutes before... blew me away.
Those moments before the phone call: my bf was yelling at me, telling me that MY being sick was basically interrupting his life, that I secretly WANT to be sick (or I wouldn't BE sick, he says), that I like the attention (WHAT attention? I don't know but a couple of people and that's IT), that it's inconvenient for him, disrupting his life, his energy, and that I'm basically lazy and sit around wanting everyone to take care of my life, etc., etc. The judging and criticizing became about EVERYTHING and ended up having very little to do with my being sick. But there I was....crying my heart out as this lecture went on and on. I ticked him off because I was going to go to the doctor. I was VERY sick and NEEDED to see a dr.
I'd coughed so hard that I couldn't hardly breathe the night before. He complained that it kept him awake. He went into the guest bathroom to sleep. Not in one of the two guest bedrooms, not in the living room... the bathroom.
My being sick was really... all about him. And it still is. I'm supposed to be super human when I'm well, even when I'm sick.
He doesn't know how his condemnation of me stands in contrast to the voicemail I received just after the lecture. I didn't delete the voicemail.... because, truly, it was one of the most heartfelt and kind things a human being has ever expressed to me.
The above... is a huge one. This one I'm dealing with as we speak. I really don't have to do much to incite his anger, his resentment, his contempt, his wrath... or his passive/aggressive punishments. I don't have any delusions that marriage fixes anything. People should never marry to 'fix' problems anyway, because it never ever ever works. Not ever.
You know, I even looked at the pics associated with the 'reasons' in that article/slideshow. I know they're stock pics, models, etc... but still. My gosh. "I" want that in a relationship. I want someone to look at me like that.. hold me like that. I want to look at someone and see myself in their eyes. I want someone who wants to make love to me.
I can't believe I've written this much when I feel so bad. Oh well..... par for the course. I've a long, lonely, anxiety-filled night ahead of me.
Oh, and for the record... when I told the doctor it had been 10 years since I'd gotten sick.. he said, without a single second of hesitation... "Stress." And he patted my shoulder. I think he could tell I'd been crying earlier.
Go figure.
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