MY Life

My life. My decisions. My way. NOT a difficult concept to understand, yet some people refuse to respect boundaries. WHY is that?!?

When you care about someone you don't try and strip away the little joys in their life. In fact, most people try to ADD to the joy and celebrate the good things with that person. I'm like that. I would never poo poo someone else's likes, joys, passions, dreams... I couldn't even fathom doing such a thing. So when this very thing happens to me it makes me question, REALLY question, the motivations behind it.

The Law of Attraction (LOA). I do my best to live by that, to keep the principles in mind with every decision I make, with ever thought I have. One thing I definitely get is that when I ASK for something and WILL it into my life, when the Universe responds and GIVES that very thing to me...I don't turn my nose up at it. I ACCEPT "with GREAT joy" that which I've attracted into my life. I APPRECIATE what I have and what is given to me, because anyone who knows even the smallest things about the LOA KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that the things you do NOT appreciate...will be out of your life... will be taken away.

So WHY on earth would I want the very things I've asked for, dreamed of having, wished for AND received...taken away? Rhetorical question.

Truth is... I DON'T want to turn my nose up at the blessings I've received. I WILL NOT do it!

Having said that... one of the most important people in my life wants me to do just that. The conversation has been brought up SEVERAL times, and each time I don't give in and agree to 'get rid of' those JOYS in my life... I get to feel the negativity washing over me from that other person. This person claims to love me and have my best interest at heart. This person also claims to LIVE the LOA nearly flawlessly. How can this be when there is anger and frustration and negativity... LOTS of it... over my choosing to NOT sell, give away, etc. those things which I ASKED for?

His choices do not have to be MY choices. I am a separate being, a spirit of my own. My likes may not always match his, and vice versa. My needs may differ in some respects. We may not like the same exact foods, the same tv shows, the same cars, the same music.... and these are all givens in any relationship, because we don't typically go around looking for the perfect 'mini-me' to spend the rest of our life with, now do we? I certainly don't.

I am the type of person who chooses to accept the differences of others. I find the differences fascinating, intriguing, even beautiful at times. I refrain from judgment, barring things such those 'immoral' things that none of us are okay with. But on a very mundane level, differences don't inspire hate or resentment within me. So...why the anger from my loved one when I make life choices based on MY life, MY wants, MY needs, MY goals, MY dreams... etc? If my choices cause no harm to another, why should I not have the joy that comes with the successes within and because of those choices?

I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to FEEL happy. I'm allowed to live MY life MY way. And if I'm blessed with having those things come into my life that I WILLINGLY attracted, then I should be allowed to feel the resulting joy. Why on earth would someone who claims to love me deny me that joy?

I have a LOT to consider, as I've known for some time. A LOT. And every single time I'm reprimanded, scolded, or 'bitched out' for having what I have or doing what I do or liking what I like, every time this person attempts to control and micro-manage MY life... it pushes me away.

Dammit! I have a RIGHT to be happy!

Simply because HE doesn't like A and prefers B, well, that gives him NO right to get angry at me because I prefer A! So what if my choice in cars or computers or any other given thing differs? HE isn't going to drive my car or use my computer, etc.

I'm tired of being pushed to get rid of A so I can replace it with B. I DO NOT WANT "B"!!

I'm being vague, I know. So... let's put it on the table. I'm talking about apple vs pc. SO WHAT if I prefer apple! So WHAT if I would rather use that than a pc! I've always wanted a m*a*c and I have focused and felt the excitement building about HAVING one. My spirit was FEELING that, I was purposely ATTRACTING that, and the Universe GAVE me that very thing! NO!...I am NOT going to SELL it and buy a PC! And you know what? That should be MY choice.

I'm basically told I'm being impractical, though it sounds and feels like I'm being called stupid for not wanting to sell or get rid of something I ASKED the Universe for and was GIVEN! I have to listen to lectures about about limitations of one machine as opposed to another. The resentment and anger about this thing, and another I won't go into here, is evident and gushes from him and washes over me.. ruining my mood and energy within seconds of it happening. NOT living by the LOA if you ask me.

He's always said to do a 'gut check,' and if it feels bad, it's not the right thing. Well, taking HIS advice... when I think about getting rid of the two things HE wants me to get rid of.. I feel BAD, and my GUT CHECK says, actually screams.. "Don't do that!"

I'm going with my gut. If this person doesn't want me because I have the computer "I" prefer, rather than the one HE prefers.. so be it.

My God, seriously... is it necessary that I feel bad or guilty or stupid about the things I like?

I'm standing my ground. DOWNSTREAM baby, DOWNSTREAM! It's EASY to keep and appreciate what I have in my life, and HARD AS HELL to give them up. So guess what? When the LOA clearly dictates that 'everything we want is DOWNSTREAM and nothing we want is upstream..' then I guess I'm doing the right thing in appreciating and keeping and taking care of what I have.

Today I course-correct. Today is the first day of a new life and even newer way of thinking. I've looked too long and hard for the solutions OUTSIDE of myself and that, I've discovered today, is NOT the right way to live. The solutions.. are in me. The power to affect change in my life are in ME.

Today I begin doing what I should have been doing all along, and that's listening to the voice inside ME, not the external opinions and dialogues of those around me. Don't get me wrong... I'm open to suggestion and receiving insight from those who's experiences may help me. But in the end... what I do is up to ME, because it is about MY life after all.

MY life.

Allow me to introduce myself

Hello. Nice to meet you. My name is really unimportant, because this post isn't about my name, but rather about who I am....

I'm the girl that isn't much of a conformist. I'm the girl who dares to be my authentic self despite complaints or disapproval from others. I'm the sensitive girl, the one who may appear to cry too easily, laugh mostly inwardly, the one who is often accused of being 'clueless' because I don't get certain concepts right off.

I'm the girl who doesn't fit well into crowds, the one who isn't into looking for the next party.

I'm the girl who loves animals, feels compassion for them and knows precisely what compassion is and doesn't confuse compassion with empathy or sympathy. I'm the girl who is hands-down a first-rate animal-lover.

...I'm the girl with 6 ferrets and a basset hound---four of those animals are rescues. If you know nothing else of me, you would know how I am about my animals. If nothing else.. you would know that.

I know we've met. We've talked thousands of minutes, shared countless text messages and emails, have spent enough time in each other's worlds that there are just certain things that we, well, just... know. So how is it that you fail to know the most important things about me?

Or is it simply that you just don't accept those things about me?

I had animals long before I met you. My animals were an established and integral part of my life long before you even knew I existed in the world. The first thing anyone learns about me, including you, is that my animals are very important to me, but not more important than loved ones, human beings. Even I know where a line must be drawn. Still... I also know that most of the time a line doesn't HAVE to be drawn.

Those who truly love me would never ask me to give up the joyful things in my life, not even for them. True love... means accepting the person you proclaim to love and SHOWING it in ways that say... 'your happiness is important to me.'

You knew early on who I am, what I am, and what I'm about. It's not fair to allow love to blossom and then later try to strip things about me away as if they are unimportant. If you find one thing about me unimportant, that changes everything.

Love is to love the sum of a person, not just the parts.

No one is 100% easy to love. We love some things automatically, easily, other things we grow into. But acceptance is key to love's survival and growth. As long as there is even one thing we can't accept about another.... we cannot really love them. The good, the bad, the indifferent.. it's all part of the package.

....the sum total.

Is it love when someone says.. 'choose me or your children'?

Is it love when someone asks.. 'choose me or your pets you've had for 6-7 years'?

Is it love when it has to be one or the other?

Yes, I understand extenuating circumstances often dictate a need for such choices. If our beloved is allergic to cats and cannot or is not comfortable taking medication in order to tolerate the cats, then it stands to reason that a choice must be made. I get that. Most people get that. But this isn't the case here.

Long before I met the man of my dreams I had animals. All of my life I've wanted to be in a position where I could have them in my life. ALL of my life I have wanted this. With each failed relationship, however, I lost heavily, emotionally. With each failed relationship... I lost my animals. Each new relationship I was given yet another promise, another opportunity for these small joys. And when the relationship ended I was left to rip my heart out of my chest and find my animals new homes.

I've had animals now for nearly 7 years. It's a thankless job, an often expensive one. But the joy usually out-weighs the hardship or heartache, the inconveniences. This is who I am... the girl who adores animals.

I thought you fell in love with me, that girl, the one I am and always have been. I believed your love was unconditional.

Today... I was proven wrong. You didn't fall in love with 'me,' but an idea of an 'edited me' where many things I am are stripped away and replaced with something easier, something more like.... you. But I'm not you. I'm me.

Today... the ultimatum has made itself known. That too-loud, accusatory voice still rings in my very spirit. It doesn't resonate there but bounces around like a metal ball in a glass bowl, threatening with every word, every demand, every accusation.... to chip away and damage the person I am.

After all this time, after all these months (nearly a year) you have decided there are big things about me you aren't okay with, things you do not like, things you aren't willing to accept. If there's no acceptance, there's no love.

I felt such love today. My words conveyed it, and you noticed. But the sweet feeling didn't last and was quickly replaced by sadness, hurt, depression, then... emptiness.....

I'm still empty, except for the pain. I can make that go away, because I know how. But I can't make the implication of your words and actions go away. THAT... I have no idea how to make go away.

....and that is what I get to feel for the rest of this evening.

Can someone PLEASE show me the way 'home'?

Rhetorical question, obviously....

Home. It's elusive. It's a blurry photo in mud puddle. It's something I've seen on tv and read about in books. I hear people refer to it all the time but have no idea what it actually is.

I thought I knew once [what it is]. I believe I once was very close to it. I almost felt as if I touched it once. Looking back now... I was merely reaching for air.

If there is such a place as home.. I'm merely the resident ghost.

Home. I've looked for it for 48 years. I've yearned to 'feel' what it's like to be there for as long. People try to placate me with 'old sayings' such as.. 'home is where the heart is.' My heart has been evicted, demolished, flattened by emotional tornadoes and hurricanes and has never been 'home' anywhere as of yet.

There is no welcome. There is no warm light in the window. There is no feel of comfort and acceptance and patience. There is no shoulder to catch tears, no tender touch to wipe them away.

The tears are judged and scolded. My pain a thing to resent, an annoyance. My need an inconvenience.

I dream of fairytale love and romance, an emotional place to call 'home.' Even now I cannot accept that this thing does not exist, though I've seen evidence that it's all a great myth that misleads and tricks. Love is quite the trickster, changing it's persona, it's face, it's fickle intent.

.....Lost.

Now what?

I know I delete a lot of entries per month, but there's a reason for that. The reason, however, isn't really important. At least... not right now. So this post may not make any sense unless you've been reading for the past year... or unless I've caught you up. If I've not caught you up, I will...

Today, like so many others, began on a fairly even note. By 'even' I mean.. I wasn't particularly down, nor was I particularly up. I often refer to this 'state' as 'flatlined.' It's the description that best fits anyway. After only 2 hours of sleep (another talk show) I wasn't at my best, but I felt pretty good overall. A short trip to Starbuck's where I know at least one person... left me laughing and feeling fairly happy. I suppose the worst of the 'downer' began after I arrived home and realized I'd been 'forgotten' (on purpose) by someone I love, someone that (while in a good mood) includes me in his family prayer sessions twice a week. I know the drill, so I know exactly that I wasn't 'forgotten' in the sense that you or I would 'forget' something or someone. I'm being 'punished,' plain and simple, and punished because of, well, nothing really. And yes, I'm being honest in that.

This sort of thing happens FAR too often, and each time I'm 'punished' in one form or fashion.. it feels like cruelty on the receiving side. And as I've always said, and you can quote me on this, "There is no such thing as accidental cruelty." I won't go into the gory details, and I know having NOT explained this behavior and why it feels like cruelty may only confuse... it's still the truth.

There is an entire novel of information that explains the above, gives the context in which it all happens in and why it affects me so deeply, but there simply isn't time or space here to go into it all. What I know is that I'm living in a city where I know no one. I'm alone here, and the nearest relative is in Phoenix, AZ. There's no real reason for me to be here.

I once thought that moving in the vicinity of where my bf of 8 mos lives (he wants me to move there), but I would be in the same boat there. When he gets mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me, see me, etc (which happens often)... I feel horribly alone. I can't even imagine how bad it would be if it happened while I lived in an area where I knew NO ONE at all. At least HERE I know people at certain businesses and feel a sense of welcome in those places. That's something at least. But living where I don't know anyone at all... well, you know what I mean I'm sure.

These days I feel like a ghost wandering around my apartment, and in life. I feel a bit invisible, to say the least.

Everything happens for a reason. I know there is a purpose in everything. I've waited my entire life to find MY purpose here... and purposes, for me anyway, come and go with the evolution of life on planet earth. Purpose in life is to learn about life as a teen. Purpose in life is to be a good mom and raise my kids. Purpose in life is to be a good dancer and dance teacher. Purpose in life is to be there to cheer mr. man on while he works steadily on building his career...while mine is put on hold. And now.... mr. man is gone (happy over that one, mind you) and my purpose is still undefined in the great scheme of things.

My 'big picture' has no title or symmetry.

The roots of my life are no longer embedded within the garden, and everything I thought I was or was meant to be has disengaged from terra firma.

I have no idea where I belong, and I'm fairly certain I've forgotten who I really am.

Now what?

I am missing something

...profound.

There is something fundamental that is lost when you try to find your life again, find yourself. In the process, once you've lost that vital spark of who you are, you lose bits and pieces of yourself trying to get it back again. I guess it comes down to weighing in on what is gained and what is lost when it boils down to putting the pieces back together again.

I've been doing that a lot lately...

A simple measurement---half full or half empty---is all most people need in order to fit into the big picture. I believe this is because they are still IN their big picture but haven't yet stepped back far enough to see it all. Some of us... have been removed from that big picture. This is when things simply don't feel right anymore and you find yourself watching bits and pieces of your life being lived... by other people.

Whodathunkit?

I've had to focus SO HARD on just surviving that there is nothing left over for actual living. I'm not complaining---just stating a fact. It is what it is. Every night I lay awake and try and think of new ways to reinsert myself back into what was once known as 'my life,' but I've not found anything that works. One of the reasons, I believe, is that I STILL have NO idea where I fit in. I have NO idea where I fit into my life, or anyone else's for that matter.

I've tried to see where I fit into my boyfriend's life (today is our 8 month anniversary)...and I just can't see anywhere where I fit. I'm on the outside looking in, even with him. It's 'my' existence and 'his' life, and the two are very VERY separate things. I look ahead into the future but don't see where those two roads converge. Not sure what that means, really.

Sometimes I wonder if all my trying to force myself to fit in somewhere is doing much more harm than good. I'm trying to relocate to be near someone, but... my life is still that complete separate thing. I will be living in a place where I REALLY don't fit in. I didn't grow up there, have no friends there, have no family there, have yet to find work there.... it's not a huge change from right here where I've been for 6.5 years.

...I simply don't fit in anywhere.

Where I currently live I watch other people 'live.' I watch life going on all around me... but I'm not a part of it, even when I try. Maybe I am a social pariah, as someone once told me. The shoe certainly fits, Cinderella!

It's not for a lack of trying. But that's okay. I've known my whole life I was born in the wrong era or something. I seriously, SERIOUSLY do NOT fit in here. People I know, what few I know, sometimes tell me about getting together with friends to do this or that, things I'm very much interested in. But I'm never invited. I'm not socially retarded, so it's not that I don't know how to behave in public. I really don't know what the deal is, but... it is what it is.

I spend a lot of time alone and have most of my life, most of it happening over the last few years. Sad part is.. not only am I getting used to it, but I'm getting to where I PREFER it now. A part of me gets lonely, wants people to talk to, confide in, share things with... but.. the part of me that just wants to be alone is gaining ground.

And no, I don't feel sorry for myself. I make observances and am often oddly amused by what I see.

Do I wish I fit in the world better? Sure! Do I wish I had friends and family I could hang out with, share life with, etc? Of course! Do I wish I had a place to call 'home' where I felt I belonged, no matter if I felt like an outcast everywhere else? Absolutely!!

But not having those things doesn't provoke self-pity. I just find it... weird.

Now 'weird' is something I DO get. So I guess I'll have to be content with that.... while the rest of the world goes on living around me......