Work, Worry, Health MIA

I was going through my iPhone a little while ago looking for pics I hadn't uploaded to Facebook yet, and I ran across some of me from just a few months ago.  Damn.  It's amazing what worry, stress, not eating, malnutrition, insomnia (due to stress/worry), etc. will do to a person.  I mean, I KNOW this happens, and I've seen it happen to others, watched shows on it (back when I had tv).   But I never thought it would happen to me.

But it did.

I looked at photos from 3 months ago, 6 months ago, one year ago... 2 years ago, and I am absolutely SHOCKED at how different I look.  Not just the weight I've put on, but something about my eyes is vastly different.  I look sick/ill, tired, empty.  There is absolutely NO vibrance in the recent pics at all.  In fact, 'fatigued' and 'worn out/haggard' seems to be the common theme in photos these days.  This is why I simply don't take pictures of myself anymore.  And it took 2/3 of my life to be okay with taking any at all.

But this isn't about photos.  It's about what the photos captured.  It worries me, where I am, and where I'm headed.  I'm not afraid of dying at all.  But I am afraid of dying slowly and with pain or suffering.  Either way, the clock is ticking.  I could feel it, but now I can actually SEE it.

I know how I was eating when the earlier pictures were taken.  My life wasn't stress-free by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I was able to eat healthily, take good vitamins, etc., which gave me the energy to exercise, work, LIVE.  But it also gave me the energy to deal with the physical aspects of stress.

Since my diet changed from whole foods to processed, unhealthy foods, when I had to skip meals, sometimes skip eating for days (the longest was a week), then eat ramen noodles or oatmeal or beans, no fruit for days or weeks, no veggies for days or weeks... everything changed.  Bags under my eyes began to appear, my skin became dull, and I've been dealing with mysterious rashes that itch insanely.  And then there's the depression.

I don't work enough hours and gas to get to/from work is about $200/mo on average.  When you only bring home about $600-$700 per month in income and your gas costs you $200 per month... you're in deep shit, my friends.

Most would say... "So suck it up and get a second job!!!"  Yeah, if it were only that easy.  Wake up, people, those of you who give advice NOT based on experience.  We are STILL in a bad BAD way in this economy, and there are people with 4 year degrees competing for the crap job those of us with 2 year degrees (or no degree at all) are fighting like hell for.  Many of us are falling through the cracks.  I'm one of them.

And here's the thing: when you've gone without food, especially good food, for this long, when you can no longer sleep and feel positively sick/ill most of the time, when the depression sinks its teeth into you.... it's a HUGE feat to just sit through one of those godawful 1-2 hour long application processes that most of these companies use now.  You're not even human to them anymore, so the folks that own the companies, run the companies, do the hiring... are SO far removed from the human aspect of it all that you, even to the person you're face-to-face with (if you're lucky to get that far).....only see you as a number, one of the many, all lumped into one giant blur at the end of the day.

This sort of thing sucks the life right out of a person.  It sucked the life out of me, that's for sure.  And I have the photos to prove it.

It's hard to be motivated for work when your boss really could care less if you make enough to live on.  When there are hours available to hand out and they're handed out to the boss's buddies..... well, it often means you force yourself to show up for your shift.  And you can't help but know that the first couple of hours you work that day are JUST to pay for your gas to and from work that day.  And when you're only scheduled for 4 hours.... well, you see the problem.

No wonder I look and feel like shit.

I miss the healthy me.  I do remember her.  I've not lost sight of who I was, nor am I in the dark about who I am right now.  I'm a mere shadow of who I was a few months ago.  And well, to be fair, the change in me isn't only about the job and finances....  there's another giant factor....

....but that's for another post entirely.