Consistently... inconsistent.

Dear......

I can't even recall the number of times you've raked me over the coals because I took too long to call or text you.  I paid the price, sometimes for days, for that 'indiscretion,' even if there was a good reason for my being quiet.  But for the number of times you've been angry at me, even punished me, for this perceived slight, the numbers are still quite small in comparison to your own 'absences.'

Today... you have fallen off the grid yet again.

The times I've asked you what happened, why you said you'd call at 'x' time and didn't.... for 4, 5, even 6 hours after that time, you've become angry.  Very angry.  Accusatory.  My friends say the same thing about this, their opinions being that you were somewhere and/or with someone and/or doing something that you knew I wouldn't approve of.  I can't say for sure, because "I" wasn't there.  And you always have what you consider a good reason or explanation.  I'm here to tell you that, although I kept my silence about these times... they bothered me then... and still do.  Including... today.

The last I heard from you was last night very late.  I was so sleepy, exhausted... and had to get off the phone to sleep.  You said, "I'll talk to you in the morning."  Well, it's 2:08 PM and I've yet to hear from you.  I've called your home number and got no answer.  I sent text messages... with no answer.  You posted on Facebook this morning.... yet you didn't call me.  Wow.  Am I ever low on YOUR list these days.

Love.  I'm giving that word a lot of thought lately.  Over the past few months I've had to reconcile what "I" think love is with my recent experiences.  I mean, yes... you've been loving sometimes, but also not at other times.  If love IS.. it should always be present, regardless of the other surrounding and momentary/temporary emotions of the given moment.  You can be angry with someone and still love them.  It all comes down to consideration, doesn't it?

Do you ever consider me or my feelings when you choose to do the negative, hurtful, humiliating etc things you do?  Do you consider my feelings when you give me your word....and don't bother following through, leaving me to guess for hours and hours, sometimes days... as to where I stand with you and how I fit (or not) into your life?

My guess at this point is that.... you don't.  My feelings, really, seem to APPEAR to matter very little.  By your own definition of love, going by what YOU say with regards to the expression of love... by YOUR definition.... it looks like... you have very little love for me.

Anyone can be nice, kind, and loving now and then.  The true test is the consistency in the behaviors that say... "I love you."

You're silent.  Time today passes and passes... tick tock tick tock.  This isn't the first time you've left me in silence.  I doubt very much it will be the last.

I listened to another video today, several actually by ABRAHAM-HICKS, where she/they are speaking of the FEELING of joy, of being in alignment.  On one of the videos they spoke of ignoring someone because what they're saying or doing is hurtful, because it DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  I've no had a chance to speak to you today, so I know you're not ignoring me because of that.  However, I'm hard pressed now to think.... I should be ignoring YOU today because what you are doing right now, have been doing all day, DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  And it's ruining my energy.

While I could sit here and just feel bad, I think I'd rather feel JOY instead.  I'm going to choose to feel good RIGHT NOW, because really.... that's all I have, isn't it?  I understand fully that I can't rely on ANYONE else to make me happy.  And.. it's no one else's job to make me happy.  That job.. is mine and mine alone.  This doesn't mean others can't contribute to that happiness or greatly enhance my feeling of joy.  Because I know this CAN and DOES happen.  But really.... I'm it.  Joy depends on ME.

Over time I've come to realize and accept as well that I first have to feel joy.  Once I'm in alignment and IN the vortex, THEN my life begins to flourish and blossom and glow from within.  As much as I love you, I simply cannot allow you to strip me of joy.  I can't continue to rely on you for love or happiness or joy or.... anything really.  I'm grateful for the good things we have, but I know I can't rely on that.

You see, I want to be happy ALL of the time.  I want to feel joy ALL of the time.  I want to be excited about my life from the moment I wake up... till the second I fall asleep.  I'm responsible for that time period and what I choose to fill it with.  I can feel happy and turn my thoughts, attention and focus on those things that make me happy, that give me joy.  I choose happiness and joy.

My goal is to be happy, to love myself AS IS each and every single second of every single day.  My goal is to focus on things that make me feel... amazing inside, full of vibrant life and joyful abundance.  Whatever those things are.  No matter WHAT those things are, THAT is what I'm going to give my undivided attention to.  Because..... I'm worth it.

.....I just deleted a couple of paragraphs of complaints.  I realized how easily I had succumbed to that and, well, deleted all I'd written in that vein.

FOCUS.

I am now going to find something to do that makes me happy.  Period.  I am giving NO more thought to the events and disappointments of the day.

FOCUS.  JOY.  HAPPINESS.  PEACE.  WELL BEING.  LOVE.

PERIOD.

:)