I am SO confused...

So what else is new?  :/

I like consistency.  Not so much predictability (that can be somewhat boring at times), but consistency.  Well, I suppose that's somewhat a form of predictability, isn't it?

Like anyone, I also like surprises now and then.  Good ones.  Not the shocking kind that make you anxious.  So... where does the unpredictable ups and downs and back and forth of mood and emotion from others stem from?  Who knows for sure.  Well, I for one can really do without that.  You know, walking on eggshells is really stressful to me, and it's not in the least bit fun.

Loving to the extreme one minute, impatient, intolerable, and snappish the next.  I never know what to think or do, how to act or behave one minute to the next.  This robs me of my peace.  My harmony is discordant.  Under those conditions... I do...not...thrive.  I die.  Inside... I empty.

Blindsided by the display of irritation I get from him.  He tells me often that I irritate or annoy him.  I hear it SO often.

Loving one minute, almost gushing.  And the next....

Well, I have a lot of life issues I MUST deal with, or I'm going to slip through the cracks and be swallowed by an unforgiving economy and indifferent world.  I have ME.  I am the only one who has my back.  I have to be my best friend.  I have to love myself, live with myself, and wake up to ME every day of my life.  So not only do I have to like/love who I am, have self-respect, but I also have to demand it of others as well.

I suppose it's time to stop waiting for my SO to decide that it's a GOOD thing to keep kindness, tolerance, love, empathy, sympathy and respect... CONSISTENT.  Those things should always be there.

I'm reveling in confusion right now.  I have NO idea what to think or what to do.  I don't usually, but even less so right at this moment.

Make demands of me and assume I'm not busy or doing anything else.  Assume I'm an IDIOT (as you often say I am) when I don't know how to do something I've never done before.  Yeah, it makes a lot of sense for you to get irritated and pissed and hateful.

When we're texting.. I have NO idea what you're doing at that moment, unless you tell me that is.  If you don't tell me you're busy when YOU actually initiate the texting, don't get pissed at ME because I'm texting BACK.  Don't assume it's okay with me when you make snide comments and tell me I'm interrupting what you're doing....when I'm texting you.  YOU initiated the texting and TOLD me to do something, without ever asking if I was busy, could or even wanted to.  You began the texting with me, and you're NOT ALLOWED to treat me like shit simply because in a heartbeat YOU decide (without telling me) that you're too busy, or you're watching a tv program, etc.

I'm NOT psychic.

I'm irritated.  I'M annoyed.  Your behavior and treatment of me is often overblown and uncalled for, not to mention UNACCEPTABLE.

This is a new emotion I feel towards you now.  I didn't used to feel irritation or annoyance at you, even when you were unbelievably hateful, judgmental, critical, etc. of me.  But that's changed.

Right now.  Right at this very moment I AM irritated and annoyed.

But even so... I am SO confused.