PLEASE stop killing my joy

You give.  Then you take away.  You do what appears to be something nice for me.  Then you make me feel bad for what you do.  You wait 'til I'm incredibly excited, only to complain about how I act when I am.

I'm a bit child-like when it comes to being happy, so when I'm truly happy and excited [under normal conditions] I get a little, well, spaztic.  I get a little too silly, a little to bubbly, a little too scattered.  You KNOW I'm ADHD, even as an adult this hasn't changed.

You've made me feel bad for expressing joy MY way.  You've squashed SO MANY happy moments with your judgment and endless, ranting lectures that ALWAYS reduce me to tears; leaving me depressed and hollow.

Joy lives within me, despite what you like to proclaim.  But the joy is often destroyed by your hateful, careless words, your criticisms and judgments, the cruel things you say and/or do.  And you actually wonder why, during times that would normally induce joy, I'm.... flatlined.

Joy cannot thrive in a hostile environment any more than love can.

I'm tired of feeling nothing---because it's safer to do so.
It's exhausting watching every, single, solitary little thing I say or do or think or feel or express.
It's dehumanizing to stop, literally stop myself from being... me.

You claim to love me (at times).  And I wonder..... do you really?  WHAT is it about me that you love, since you want nearly 100% of me to change.  WHAT is it about me that you love, when you offer little more than venomous cruelty in your words and gestures, your screaming lectures and cold, indifferent silences.

I had joy today.  And you destroyed it completely and totally--along with my appetite.  Why?  Because I'm forgetful and forgot to send you a cell phone pic of the food I bought at the grocery store.......

Was that REALLY worth ruining my night for?  Was it REALLY worth destroying my happiness today... for that?

Nevermind.  I know the answer already.....

SO incredibly tired now.  Drained.  Empty.  Hollow.  Sad.  Lonely.

I'm SO close to just giving up.

SO close.

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