I was really hoping....

...that today... I would have something positive and uplifting, happy or joyful to talk about.  Hope ended up being little more than a huge, heaping, steaming pile of.......

Okay.  Let me try this again.

It's no giant mystery things are hard for me right now.  It's no huge secret that I don't exactly get to eat every day, or that when I do it's oatmeal or something like that.  It's not like I've kept it a secret, totally, that I'm often awake at night worrying about how I'm going to make it, how I'm not going to end up homeless, etc.  And while I recently found, or was rather presented with a "Plan B," it doesn't mean I don't worry.  Because I do.  BOY, do I.

That lack of sleep and poor nutrition means I end up crashing at some point, once or twice a week, with it lasting some 2-3 days...

Late last night, about 9:45pm, my boss texts me and asked if I wanted the opportunity to work today.  OF COURSE I DO.. So I replied with as much and she told me to be in at 7:30am this morning.  That meant getting about 5 hours sleep, because I had to launder the ONE set of scrubs that fits me now.  I need the income badly, so like anyone in my position... I did what I had to do.  I did my laundry and hit the sack.  At the end of a long day with no break (not complaining, mind you), I clock out to go home.  Once at the car I find my doggone cell phone is on 3% batter power, and when I tried to make a call (to my bf).... it kept failing.  This normally doesn't happen on the other side of the bay where I work.  But, so be it.  I drove home, bleary-eyed, exhausted, with a VERY foggy brain.

Stopped to pay my car insurance (was 3 days from cancellation), then to Winn Dixie to use $15 (more) of my rent to get food.  My mind was shutting down, and I know that signal and what it means.  I feel it when I've not eaten right, when I've skipped meals and/or have not gotten enough sleep.  I simply CANNOT make mistakes at work, because in a medical setting---you HAVE to be able to think CLEARLY at all times.  Period.

I got home, ate what little I bought and felt the rush of hardcore aching go through every limb of my body.  I don't know what's going on when this happens, but if I've not eaten in a very long time, when I do eat... it hurts all over for awhile. Then I get so sleepy that I cannot hold my eyes open.

So yeah, I fell asleep.  Big time.

When I woke I didn't realize what time it was and called my BF.  Instantly... I knew he was in one SERIOUSLY foul mood.  When he's like this it's as if seething hatred pours forth from him in abundance.  His voice is hard.  His manner, intolerant.  And he starts complaining, which usually leads to him yelling, eventually screaming, then.... normally I'm hung up on.  But not until after he inflicts as much damage as possible.  Today was no exception.

He began complaining that he couldn't hear me.  This is nothing new since I don't get a good signal in my apartment.  Oddly, the bad signal is always ten times worse when I'm talking to him.  Anyway, my dog began whining softly, a signal that she needs to go out or is hungry.  It was well past her mealtime, so I scooped a cup of dog food and fed her while I was on the phone, and attempted to move my laundry to the dryer.  It wasn't as if I were watching tv or reading a book, or carrying a conversation with someone else while I was on the phone with him.  Though he's done the same thing to me COUNTLESS times, with the exception of the reading a book part.

The complaining and lecture began, with the "F" word peppering every single, solitary sentence he uttered.  He complained, loudly, that he can never hear me, and suggested (as he's done numerous times) that I drive down the road or something to get a better signal... or don't call him at all.

Of the people I speak with on the phone, he is the only one who says things like this to me.  No one asks me to drive down the road and find a better signal.  No one complains about the subject of the conversation.  No one is ever ugly to me (aka hateful/mean) like that.  Only him.

Only.  Him.

And this man has apologized for the horrible things he says, for the way he treats me...only twice in two years, and only ONCE was it a genuine apology.  He always feels justified, always feels he is being hateful and judgmental, even mean... because he has a 'legitimate' reason.  He always says that if I didn't do this, or if I did that, of if I weren't so... well, you see the picture, I'm sure.  Either way, I am ALWAYS to blame.  I 'make' him behave hateful and disrespectful towards me.  According to him.

SO tired of this.

I don't have all my rent for September.  I don't know exactly how I'm going to pay for the things I have to pay for.  I'm hungry most of the time, nearly all of the time.  I have no idea where I'm going to get gas money to make it to work the rest of this week and next.  I'm scared a LOT of the time, though I try to keep it to myself.  I really, REALLY don't need someone being hateful to me on top of it all.

Seriously.... where's the love?

I'm still SO SO SO tired, and I have to get up at 4am again tomorrow.  I'm not sure when I'll get another day off, and I'm already so exhausted that I'm in tears.  But he could care less.  He doesn't ask how my day was, how I'm feeling, etc.  No compassion.  No empathy.  No patience.  No tolerance whatsoever.  NO KINDNESS.  And definitely.. no love.

wtf?

So here goes the rest of this evening.... sad, tired, defeated, disappointed, anxious, stressed, afraid.

He doesn't care about anything but himself.  So be it.  I'm not begging and pleading anymore.  I'm SO exhausted that I can't even cry about this.  It hurts me that he's so cruel and uncaring.  But I can't even bring myself to cry.  I really, really am way too tired to cry.

Due to a temporary change at work means the next week is going to be intense and stressful.  I need my wits about me.  But then....

...quite honestly... some days... I just want to disappear.

But that's another talk show.