Consistently... inconsistent.

Dear......

I can't even recall the number of times you've raked me over the coals because I took too long to call or text you.  I paid the price, sometimes for days, for that 'indiscretion,' even if there was a good reason for my being quiet.  But for the number of times you've been angry at me, even punished me, for this perceived slight, the numbers are still quite small in comparison to your own 'absences.'

Today... you have fallen off the grid yet again.

The times I've asked you what happened, why you said you'd call at 'x' time and didn't.... for 4, 5, even 6 hours after that time, you've become angry.  Very angry.  Accusatory.  My friends say the same thing about this, their opinions being that you were somewhere and/or with someone and/or doing something that you knew I wouldn't approve of.  I can't say for sure, because "I" wasn't there.  And you always have what you consider a good reason or explanation.  I'm here to tell you that, although I kept my silence about these times... they bothered me then... and still do.  Including... today.

The last I heard from you was last night very late.  I was so sleepy, exhausted... and had to get off the phone to sleep.  You said, "I'll talk to you in the morning."  Well, it's 2:08 PM and I've yet to hear from you.  I've called your home number and got no answer.  I sent text messages... with no answer.  You posted on Facebook this morning.... yet you didn't call me.  Wow.  Am I ever low on YOUR list these days.

Love.  I'm giving that word a lot of thought lately.  Over the past few months I've had to reconcile what "I" think love is with my recent experiences.  I mean, yes... you've been loving sometimes, but also not at other times.  If love IS.. it should always be present, regardless of the other surrounding and momentary/temporary emotions of the given moment.  You can be angry with someone and still love them.  It all comes down to consideration, doesn't it?

Do you ever consider me or my feelings when you choose to do the negative, hurtful, humiliating etc things you do?  Do you consider my feelings when you give me your word....and don't bother following through, leaving me to guess for hours and hours, sometimes days... as to where I stand with you and how I fit (or not) into your life?

My guess at this point is that.... you don't.  My feelings, really, seem to APPEAR to matter very little.  By your own definition of love, going by what YOU say with regards to the expression of love... by YOUR definition.... it looks like... you have very little love for me.

Anyone can be nice, kind, and loving now and then.  The true test is the consistency in the behaviors that say... "I love you."

You're silent.  Time today passes and passes... tick tock tick tock.  This isn't the first time you've left me in silence.  I doubt very much it will be the last.

I listened to another video today, several actually by ABRAHAM-HICKS, where she/they are speaking of the FEELING of joy, of being in alignment.  On one of the videos they spoke of ignoring someone because what they're saying or doing is hurtful, because it DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  I've no had a chance to speak to you today, so I know you're not ignoring me because of that.  However, I'm hard pressed now to think.... I should be ignoring YOU today because what you are doing right now, have been doing all day, DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  And it's ruining my energy.

While I could sit here and just feel bad, I think I'd rather feel JOY instead.  I'm going to choose to feel good RIGHT NOW, because really.... that's all I have, isn't it?  I understand fully that I can't rely on ANYONE else to make me happy.  And.. it's no one else's job to make me happy.  That job.. is mine and mine alone.  This doesn't mean others can't contribute to that happiness or greatly enhance my feeling of joy.  Because I know this CAN and DOES happen.  But really.... I'm it.  Joy depends on ME.

Over time I've come to realize and accept as well that I first have to feel joy.  Once I'm in alignment and IN the vortex, THEN my life begins to flourish and blossom and glow from within.  As much as I love you, I simply cannot allow you to strip me of joy.  I can't continue to rely on you for love or happiness or joy or.... anything really.  I'm grateful for the good things we have, but I know I can't rely on that.

You see, I want to be happy ALL of the time.  I want to feel joy ALL of the time.  I want to be excited about my life from the moment I wake up... till the second I fall asleep.  I'm responsible for that time period and what I choose to fill it with.  I can feel happy and turn my thoughts, attention and focus on those things that make me happy, that give me joy.  I choose happiness and joy.

My goal is to be happy, to love myself AS IS each and every single second of every single day.  My goal is to focus on things that make me feel... amazing inside, full of vibrant life and joyful abundance.  Whatever those things are.  No matter WHAT those things are, THAT is what I'm going to give my undivided attention to.  Because..... I'm worth it.

.....I just deleted a couple of paragraphs of complaints.  I realized how easily I had succumbed to that and, well, deleted all I'd written in that vein.

FOCUS.

I am now going to find something to do that makes me happy.  Period.  I am giving NO more thought to the events and disappointments of the day.

FOCUS.  JOY.  HAPPINESS.  PEACE.  WELL BEING.  LOVE.

PERIOD.

:)

I am SO confused...

So what else is new?  :/

I like consistency.  Not so much predictability (that can be somewhat boring at times), but consistency.  Well, I suppose that's somewhat a form of predictability, isn't it?

Like anyone, I also like surprises now and then.  Good ones.  Not the shocking kind that make you anxious.  So... where does the unpredictable ups and downs and back and forth of mood and emotion from others stem from?  Who knows for sure.  Well, I for one can really do without that.  You know, walking on eggshells is really stressful to me, and it's not in the least bit fun.

Loving to the extreme one minute, impatient, intolerable, and snappish the next.  I never know what to think or do, how to act or behave one minute to the next.  This robs me of my peace.  My harmony is discordant.  Under those conditions... I do...not...thrive.  I die.  Inside... I empty.

Blindsided by the display of irritation I get from him.  He tells me often that I irritate or annoy him.  I hear it SO often.

Loving one minute, almost gushing.  And the next....

Well, I have a lot of life issues I MUST deal with, or I'm going to slip through the cracks and be swallowed by an unforgiving economy and indifferent world.  I have ME.  I am the only one who has my back.  I have to be my best friend.  I have to love myself, live with myself, and wake up to ME every day of my life.  So not only do I have to like/love who I am, have self-respect, but I also have to demand it of others as well.

I suppose it's time to stop waiting for my SO to decide that it's a GOOD thing to keep kindness, tolerance, love, empathy, sympathy and respect... CONSISTENT.  Those things should always be there.

I'm reveling in confusion right now.  I have NO idea what to think or what to do.  I don't usually, but even less so right at this moment.

Make demands of me and assume I'm not busy or doing anything else.  Assume I'm an IDIOT (as you often say I am) when I don't know how to do something I've never done before.  Yeah, it makes a lot of sense for you to get irritated and pissed and hateful.

When we're texting.. I have NO idea what you're doing at that moment, unless you tell me that is.  If you don't tell me you're busy when YOU actually initiate the texting, don't get pissed at ME because I'm texting BACK.  Don't assume it's okay with me when you make snide comments and tell me I'm interrupting what you're doing....when I'm texting you.  YOU initiated the texting and TOLD me to do something, without ever asking if I was busy, could or even wanted to.  You began the texting with me, and you're NOT ALLOWED to treat me like shit simply because in a heartbeat YOU decide (without telling me) that you're too busy, or you're watching a tv program, etc.

I'm NOT psychic.

I'm irritated.  I'M annoyed.  Your behavior and treatment of me is often overblown and uncalled for, not to mention UNACCEPTABLE.

This is a new emotion I feel towards you now.  I didn't used to feel irritation or annoyance at you, even when you were unbelievably hateful, judgmental, critical, etc. of me.  But that's changed.

Right now.  Right at this very moment I AM irritated and annoyed.

But even so... I am SO confused.

When you're sick....

What does it mean when the person who claims to love you... can't seem to stop being hateful even when you're sick?  I tend to think this says a lot about someone.  Don't you?

I've had a bit of a rough go of things over the last few weeks.  I had oral surgery (NOT my idea) on December 23rd and spent most of Christmas through New Year's in pain.  On New Year's Eve my bf decided to have a meltdown over something incredibly trivial (what time I decided to eat)... so the new year rang in with him barely making it into the living room at his house (I was visiting for the holidays) to see the 'ball drop.'  His eyes were on the television.... well, that story's already been visited, so I'm not going there again.  But the point here is... I've not been feeling well for nearly a month now.  I deal with CFS and fibromyalgia, so I already don't feel like a million bucks, but add flu (haven't been sick in 10 years)... and then complications arising from flu (severe bronchitis and sinusitis), then complications from the medicine that was supposed to help relieve the symptoms (complications/side effects were a migraine-like condition that was far worse than the original problem).

At first my BF seemed sweet about things.  AT FIRST.  But isn't it always like that?  I'm lured into a false sense of security, then wham.....the truth comes out.

I get lectured, yelled at, judged, and receive the full brunt when he decides to attack my character.  I'm always left thinking.... 'WTH?  Where did all THIS come from and what has it to do with anything?'

He doesn't like me.  He's never liked me.  I often think he's simply putting up with me til something better comes along. He's made it painfully clear MANY times that I'm beneath him.  And trust me... there is NO mistaking his words or meaning when he does this.

But I'm barely feeling relief from the migraine-like symptoms, and I'm spending my last night of THIS particular visit with him feeling lonely.  This is nothing new.  Nothing new at all.  In fact, there is nothing at all surprising in how he's behaving.

I felt so incredibly bad Sunday night, and he chooses then, in the car on the way home, to play the stereo SO loud that my head feels like it's going to split in two.  He knew I had this migraine-like thing going on, and he just, what... decides to forget?  Or is it that he just doesn't care?  I have a theory....

We were on our way back to his house from his parent's when he cranked the stereo up to a ridiculous level.  While at his mother's house he mentioned going to the grocery store.  His mother could see how sick I was and kept telling him I needed to go home and rest, that I was sick, that I didn't need to be out in the cold going to the grocery store in this condition.  HE wanted something from the store, this was clear.  I didn't want or need anything... except to go home and rest.  But HE wanted to go.  So I offered the option to just go to the store.  I could tell he wasn't happy about not going, but... he chose to just go home.... and blared the stereo the entire way there.  It was awful.

I noticed other things too.... like his wanting me to cook something, put a movie in the DVD player (when he was sitting right there), get this, fetch that, do this, do that...  I was so sick I couldn't sit up well and felt like throwing up when I did.  The ONLY times in my life where my head hurt this bad was during a migraine.  I LOOKED like hell.  Personally, I think he resented me for being sick.

When HE was sick a couple of weeks before (yes, I caught this from HIM) he was hateful.  Now when I'm sick... he's hateful.  No winning for losing here.

There were other expectations and demands made that were even more telling than the above.  Again, I'm going home tomorrow with a LOT to think about.

I read something tonight that made me take notice.  I've not given up entirely on being married again, though that's just a recent thing since meeting my bf.  Before that.. I'd written it off as an option of any kind for any reason.  So when I read an article (in slideshow fashion) from New Age and Wellness... I took notice in a big way.  It was the top 5 right AND wrong reasons for getting married.  Two of them.. really hit home, though they all did in some form or fashion...

the above is the most prominent, the one that REALLY made me sit forward.  One reason for this is that during my bf's obvious resentment at my being sick... one person stepped forward and expressed genuine concern, even to the point of offering to pay for me to see a dr (out of work and no insurance).  It wasn't the offer of financial help that touched me, but the voicemail I received from this person.  There was NO mistaking the kindness, the genuine concern this person has.  It brought me to tears.  Is this person the love of my life?  Of course not.  But his kind and caring behavior was in SUCH contrast to what had happened just a few minutes before... blew me away.

Those moments before the phone call:  my bf was yelling at me, telling me that MY being sick was basically interrupting his life, that I secretly WANT to be sick (or I wouldn't BE sick, he says), that I like the attention (WHAT attention?  I don't know but a couple of people and that's IT), that it's inconvenient for him, disrupting his life, his energy, and that I'm basically lazy and sit around wanting everyone to take care of my life, etc., etc.  The judging and criticizing became about EVERYTHING and ended up having very little to do with my being sick.  But there I was....crying my heart out as this lecture went on and on.  I ticked him off because I was going to go to the doctor.  I was VERY sick and NEEDED to see a dr.

I'd coughed so hard that I couldn't hardly breathe the night before.  He complained that it kept him awake.  He went into the guest bathroom to sleep. Not in one of the two guest bedrooms, not in the living room... the bathroom.

My being sick was really... all about him.  And it still is.  I'm supposed to be super human when I'm well, even when I'm sick.

He doesn't know how his condemnation of me stands in contrast to the voicemail I received just after the lecture.  I didn't delete the voicemail.... because, truly, it was one of the most heartfelt and kind things a human being has ever expressed to me.

The above... is a huge one.  This one I'm dealing with as we speak.  I really don't have to do much to incite his anger, his resentment, his contempt, his wrath... or his passive/aggressive punishments.  I don't have any delusions that marriage fixes anything.  People should never marry to 'fix' problems anyway, because it never ever ever works.  Not ever.

You know, I even looked at the pics associated with the 'reasons' in that article/slideshow.  I know they're stock pics, models, etc... but still.  My gosh.  "I" want that in a relationship.  I want someone to look at me like that.. hold me like that.  I want to look at someone and see myself in their eyes.  I want someone who wants to make love to me.

I can't believe I've written this much when I feel so bad.  Oh well..... par for the course.  I've a long, lonely, anxiety-filled night ahead of me.

Oh, and for the record... when I told the doctor it had been 10 years since I'd gotten sick.. he said, without a single second of hesitation... "Stress."  And he patted my shoulder.  I think he could tell I'd been crying earlier.

Go figure.

Looking for a Fight, Are We?

When someone becomes incensed because you offered to wait to eat a meal so you could eat it with them...
When someone throws a remote control at you because you agreed with something they said...
When the 'now' fades into 'everything I've ever perceived you doing wrong...'...
When all the seemingly mundane things that no one ever pays any attention to becomes fodder for fighting...

......there is someone LOOKING for a fight.

There isn't an REASON for a fight, so... something has to be 'made up,' and anything and everything, to a fighter and drama junky... is fair game.

I used to waste an enormous amount of precious time trying to figure out what "I" did to make my bf angry at me.  Asking only pissed him off more.  Offering explanation only pissed him off more.  Choosing to be the martyr when nothing would appease him.... only pissed him off more.  Remaining in a positive mindset only pissed him off more.  Apologizing, when there wasn't anything TO apologize for.... only pissed him off more too.  Tonight, after a ruined day filled with anxiety, depression, stress, gloominess and drama.... my spirit began to sag and atrophy under the onslaught of all the negativity.  But when someone decides to be utterly careless in their tantrums... I draw the line.  Period!

A trip to the grocery store while he has a DARK and negative mood ended with his smashing my finger between the shopping cart and a huge plastic bin he was pulling out of the cart while I was trying to take things out.  He barely squeezed out a mumbled 'sorry'... but never asked how my finger was, etc.

Later in the evening..... I flirted with him heavily and left to no uncertain terms what I wanted to do (wink).... and he began complaining, and complaining in the vein where he's complaining about everything he thought I did over the past year we've known one another.  When he did return to the present.. he just continued to whine and complain, challenging me with questions every step of the way. At one point... he said something, rather a statement posed as a question (rhetorical)... and when I agreed.. he threw the remote at me, carelessly, and it bounced off my wrist bone.  It hurt.  No it wasn't bone crushing, but I don't do physical tantrums like that.  I just DON'T.  Twice in one day is TOO much.

The tantrum continues... as he's retreated to his office in a huff and has shut the door.  Fine.  I'm really okay with that.  But it's my circumstances here that really make this situation precarious and stressful, not to mention unhealthy.

Long way from home.  Stuck because my car broke down.  Waiting on tires he didn't bother to order until the last possible second (or I would be home right now)... for a vehicle he was going to loan me while mine is being repaired.  He's doing the repairs... so I wonder how long that will take.  I paid to have it towed here.  I pay for food I eat here.  I pay for food HE eats.  I pay and pay and pay.  I pay ALWAYS to come visit.  He NEVER helps, not once, and I've been coming here to visit him for nearly a year now.

What the hell was I thinking?!
What the hell AM I thinking?!

My physical and emotional health has suffered.  I've gained SO much weight.  I feel horrible all the time.  ALL that money I used to come see him could have been spent on the BHRT I was on that had improved my quality of life in a huge way.  I could have paid bills with it all or saved it!!!  I'm SO angry with myself right now.  SO angry.  But I have to let it go.  I HAVE to.  The money is gone, and I can't bring it back.

I pay money I can't afford to pay for gas to come here.  I'm expected to clean his house.  He lets his cat in then tells me a minute later to go get the cat and put her outside.  He's supposed to drop something off at his sister's or mom's house... and he makes/expects ME to take those things to the door.

Do this, do that, get this, fetch that... and on and on and on and on.  At first.. I loved doing things to help him out, but now it's just demanded and expected and that makes me feel USED.

WTH is wrong with me??!!  I feel like I've just awoken from a drug-induced stupor!  OMG.... what have I done?  :(

I've burned through so much of my savings.  HE is taken care of.  HE doesn't have to worry because his parents will pick up the pieces if his life falls apart.  I only have ME.  No parents.  No family.  My sons are struggling themselves, so it's not like I can turn to them if my life falls apart (which it's trying to do as we speak).

Trying not to panic here.....

Drama VS Peace

Ever notice that the people who complain about drama are the ones having it the most? lol  It's always amazed me when I listen to people say they don't want drama, don't like drama, don't 'do' drama... and yet, they have SO much of it in their lives.

In the midst of calm those people will most often find a way to stir things up; be it a badly veiled insult in the guise of humor, or out-right rudeness, or simply going off over the most stupid thing.

Peace isn't always obtained easily, and in the midst of turmoil or unrest it can be quite difficult.  However, by avoiding drama.... peace is far more possible.  Don't you think?  Choosing NOT to be offended.  Choosing NOT to be angry.  Choosing NOT to be ugly or judgmental.  Choosing NOT to complain.  Choosing NOT to gossip.  Choosing NOT to go down those roads that upset others.

Choosing instead... kindness, calm, stillness within, acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness....

So many choices, so why on earth choose the worst or the most negative of all?

Doesn't make a bit of sense to me whatsoever.

There are those who see being sick as 'drama.'  Illness in and of itself isn't drama, but someone judging or complaining about that person being sick... is.

Simple, really.