Longing for "The old days."

No photo with my entry today.  And though my cameras both have recent pics on them, I just don't have the energy to download or work with them.  Depression and anxiety has me pinned to the ground, the ugly and damaging events from my past have their boney fingers tight around my throat, unyielding, hateful, damaging further what I've tried to protect for so long.

My world is a quiet world, with all the racket and noise being of the inner kind, the type of 'noise' that most hide who deal with the effects of living a life that is no longer theirs.  In my case, a life that isn't recognizable at all, created at the whims of whatever T imposes and what I'm unable to hang onto.  Still, in dark hours before dawn a glimmer of hope shines briefly within before the sun warms the horizon.  As the sun rises, so does my anxiety, and ugly gift from my past that just keeps on giving.  But in the dark hours... it's a lot easier to avoid the glaring proof that I'm in limbo.  What the hell else am I going to call it but 'Limbo'?  If the shoe fits, Cinderella...

Feeling sick 24/7 has taken a huge toll.  Doctors don't really plug themselves in to any effort of improving my quality of life and choose, instead, to write prescriptions that don't seem to do much good.  Well, nothing that I can see or feel or experience in the way 'improvement' should be.  So what IS the point of a Rx if you don't see or experience any benefits?  Why is it that there is this feeling sick and 100 years old without any rhyme or reason or cure?  I'm sure it's not all physical.  And how could it be purely physical when far too many years spent in hell has chipped away at my health and happiness, all of the unresolved shards of bullshit still does its damage?

I try.  I WANT to believe this will end, get better somehow, and I will feel like a happy, healthy. well-adjusted human again.  Believe in one hand and .... well, you know.

The photos remain on a memory card in my camera.  A life in limbo.  A search for meaning.  And every moment trying just to get past one minute, then the next, until the day is over.

What a waste.