A ghost from a relationship past...

When articles look like the blueprint for your relationship (and I'm speaking not of my current one), it's time to stand up and take notice.  I did.  And I'm still feeling it's ugly effects to this day.

You're Not Going Crazy - 5 Sure Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused

Read it....

So, T.. what IS "Your thing?"

There's always a rant lurking around the corner.  It's either that or let it all boil inside until it implodes and shuts me down.  I'm thinking I'm choosing a far healthier route in dealing with, well, the un-dealable.  I'm frustrated as hell.  When will the "... is not my thing" thing going to end?  Seriously!

Yard work isn't his thing.
Gardening isn't his thing.
Cleaning up after himself isn't his thing.
Having meaningful conversations isn't his thing.
Photography isn't his thing.
Art isn't his thing.
Helping around the house isn't his thing.
Cleaning out the shed outside isn't his thing.
Organizing the outdoor storage closet isn't his thing.
.....and on and on and on.

So what IS his thing?????  I swear, I can't do it all and it's emptying me trying.  DAMMIT.

Ill health and all, I've done everything in my power to do as much as I possibly can, and most of the time I manage to get most of it done.  It takes all of my time, to be honest, with having to do it all, having to clean up after another adult who can't seem to clean up after himself.  I raised 3 kids on my own, and you know what?  THAT was SO much easier than cleaning up after a guy who really doesn't give a royal crap about anything except for sitting in front of a tv or staring at his iPhone every spare minute.  It's like he's not even here.  So why am "I" here?  If you have an answer to that, I'd love to hear it, because I sure as hell can't figure it out.

When I mention hiring someone to help with the yard or stuff that needs to be done around the house, he vehemently rejects the idea and basically tells me 'No.'  Well what the hell?  You don't GET to tell me 'no' if YOU aren't going to solve the problem!  He leaves all this overwhelming pile of crap for me to do and then has the audacity to not help when I ask for help, and not allow me to hire someone even for a couple of hours to help!

I'm worn out, stressed, anxious, tired, painful, MISERABLE, and I can't get a single day to just slow down enough to BREATHE.  How the hell can anyone survive a life like this?  And I'm not joking here.  HOW does anyone spend the majority of their life of being a full-time maid to a lazy man?  Is anyone actually out there that lives this way and likes it?

When does life START when you're with a person like this?  I feel smothered, oppressed, disrespected.. to name just a few.  I wake up with knots in my stomach, knowing that I'm waking up to yet another day of crap.  Clean up after him, do all the housework inside, do the yard work outside, find a way to lift things I can't lift or move things I can't move to organize the storage shed and closet that we desperately need to use.  HOW am I supposed to do this and feel like I actually have a life?

I can't even work outside the home right now.  Mainly because of my health issues, recovering from surgery, autoimmune issues that are not resolved.  But mostly because I'm having to cover the job of two people right here at home.  When would I ever have time to work???  SO frustrating.

If I were living alone I would still have to deal with these things, but on a much smaller and more reasonable level.  My motto... If you're not going to help, get the hell out of my way!  The mess in the shed and closet outside are of HIS making, not mine.  Most of the mess INSIDE is of his making, not mine.  I'm basically cleaning up after a 50-something year old CHILD.

My vision of what my life would be like at this age looked very different from the reality that I'm drowning in.

There's a big change coming within this next year, hopefully sooner rather than later.  It may actually be the defining moment for me, the pendulum will swing and I'll be presented with choices that I previously didn't have.  I can't talk about it in detail here, but I will after the fact.  It's something that's been a long time coming and is in the final stages of completion, something I've been waiting to be resolved for over 20 years.  It may not provide me with a life outside of my current arrangement, but it will breathe new life into things that are otherwise dying (metaphorically).  I know, I know... vague as hell.

Still, even the good thing that should happen this year may not be enough.  I won't know until it happens.  Till then, I have to hang tight and try and find a reason for breathing every day, as hard as that is 99% of the time.

It's not like I'm 25 and am looking at my whole life in front of me, wondering what I'll do, how many plans I'll make, etc.  Nope.  That window has closed.  Now it's just about how I live in the NOW with what I have.  And I'm speaking emotionally, spiritually.  And what do I have there?  Not a damn thing.  T is fully engaged on autopilot and is sleeping at the wheel.

I can't be an entire relationship.  I can't do what's required for both him and myself.  I can't take care of another adult, who is fully capable of caring for himself, while trying desperately to care for myself while I'm not fully recovered.  I can't sit in freaking, dead silence every night, sitting across from a guy who stares at his cell phone more than any teenage girl I've ever seen.

WHY am I wasting my time even thinking about this?  What I should be doing is focusing FULLY on me, my health, my recovery from surgery, illness, getting myself to a point where I can go back out in the world and L-I-V-E again.  Because I'm not living.

This so-called life is just another way of dying slowly.

I must, MUST turn my focus back to me.  I have to.  HAVE to.  I just hope I can continue to find the strength to get up everyday and deal with the million details he's ignored around here.  It just never, ever stops.  EVER.

A friend just texted me:  "Isn't indifference just another form of abuse?"  Well, I'm not really sure about that, but I do no it does a lot of damage to the person on the receiving end of that indifference.

"Your mind is fire..."

"Your mind is fire.  It can either heat your house.. or burn it to the ground."

I don't know who originated this quote, but it's one of the truest statements I've ever read.  It's also one of the most important reasons for protecting yourself from malignant narcissists, or... anyone who doesn't have your best interests in mind.  Anyone that causes damage to your mind, your soul, your spirt, anything and anyone who systematically breaks you down by choice, or by carelessness is dangerous.

What, you think someone messing with your mind, your sense of self-worth... isn't dangerous?  The statement at the top of the page is absolutely true.  What needs to be considered as well is who lit the match?  But then, is that really the most important thing?

Sometimes damage control is the only option, and of course... prevention of future attacks.  Either way, our state of mind, our happiness, our joy is ultimately up to us.

Don't think for a minute that I've mastered this.  I haven't.  In fact, I rather suck at it.  One thing I do have in my favor is awareness.  I'm aware of what happens to me now, and having my eyes opened the hard way was painful, and it left long-term damage that I have to work through on a regular basis.  Oh, I know it was in my control back then.  At least I know that NOW.  Hindsight being 20/20... well, that sucks too.  Yet, I'm grateful for the awareness... most of the time.

My truth:  I often find myself making the same mistakes over and over again.  My last mistake was T. Honestly, for all his lack of compassion, carelessness, indifference, and so on, he's not a monster.  I mean, we can ALL be total assholes from time to time, it's just that some make an art form out of it.  But not T.  He's ego-driven, like most males, and he just doesn't seem to mind at all.  He'll do the same hurtful things over and over and over again, knowing I'm not stupid enough to stand there and let it happen to me.  That's his bad.  Still, his over-controlling nature is first and foremost in his life, and I do have a SERIOUS issue with that, especially given my past.

But I'm here now.  What do I do?

To be continued....