Stranger....

Friday night part II -- Lonely is such a familiar feeling

It's quiet in my apartment.  Most of the time I don't mind, and these days I tend to believe I'm actually acquiring a taste for quiet... and isolation.  This has been coming for some time, and it's not that I WANT to be this way.  I don't.  I just don't know how to stop feeling that way.

I've had two hospital stays since late January.  My middle son and the priest from my parish were the only people who came to see me.  This last time my son could only make it once, to stay one night and return to work the following day.  He had to, and I didn't want him to miss work and not have his rent, etc.  I was okay with that.  And it was SUCH a blessing that Fr. V. came to see me.  I did first confession in the hospital, received a healing anointing, and communion.  So it's not like I'm saying all was awful.

But a lot of it was.

The room I was put in looked hastily put together, pretty ragged compared to the other rooms on the floor.  Maybe they just didn't have enough room for everyone.  But it made things so depressing, really.    And I kept the tv off most of the time... slept mostly.  I was very exhausted in the days following the TIA.  Still, it was incredibly lonely.

Even the night I went to the hospital in the ambulance, a so-called 'friend' was there but just said to call her and let her know how things are.  The ambulance headed to the ER, my friend headed home.  She lives about 3 minutes from the hospital.  Oh well.

It was a lonely experience, and rather scary this time.  I had no idea what had happened to me, but it was the second time in my life that I ever wanted to dial 911.  I couldn't walk, much less think or drive. I was scared, and that doesn't happen often to me.  Not like this anyway.

It's been hard just doing ordinary daily tasks.  After I got home from the hospital I had to struggle just to do what needed to be done, being careful not to fall due to the awful dizziness, so short of breath that I had to gasp for air to do the smallest thing, breaking down now and then because I felt I couldn't keep up the pace.  But I pushed on... somehow.

I realize often that the ONLY reason I'm still in Mobile, AL is because of my church.  I LOVE my church.  My son's live far away (CA, CO.. the closest in MS) and the one closest has to work 2 jobs to just get by.  But I don't want to move to MS again.  I didn't like it the first time.  So once again I'm wondering "where is home?"

And please spare me the "home is where you make it" stuff.  I'm sorry, but people who say that have family and friends nearby who care about them, reach out to them and let them know they're loved and being thought of.

I'm worn out.  So sick.  So tired of not feeling good (to put it mildly).  So many things out of my control.  And so doggone lonely.

And yay.. now I have a horrible cold on top of everything else, and I'm unable to take anything for it due to some of the medications I'm on.  :/  Too sick to go to the store for Mucinex, the only thing I CAN take.... I'm miserable. :(

This invisible girl really needs to get a life.