The Long Haul

Sitting in the silence of the hour at hand, and I can almost hear myself think... if not for the crowding thoughts begging me to find answers to 'how the hell did I get here again?'  It's too quiet, to be honest, and the very minute I decided to talk, to finally just unload every damn thought going through my mind.... it's gone.  Well, it's not exactly 'gone,' per se, but more like hunkering down somewhere deep inside, hiding from anything that can harm it.  "It"... is not something I can define right now, so don't hold your breath on that one. I didn't mean that as snarky as it came out.  Besides, snark is overrated.

No photo to post today.  I know a couple of you will ask about that.  Well, I'm waiting on a new laptop to arrive, because this one has reached the point where it can't walk and chew gum at the same time, especially when we're talking photograph post-processing software and video software.  Even when it comes to a computer... it's just time to move on to bigger and better things.  Till then, my photos remain on the memory cards in my cameras, and I cannot wait to download them and get my favorites posted.  So much has happened, and yet... not happened.  No matter.

But here I am still avoiding talking about what I should be talking about.  Same shit, different day, right?  But, seriously.... I vowed, PROMISED myself that I would forge ahead, discomforted be-damned.  So... here goes....

Damn medication.  Damn autoimmune disease.  Damn ALL of it.  It's this miserable back-drop that I live my life now, not ever knowing when my already severely diminished energy level will plummet to the point of almost passing out, and that can happen at any time.  To say it puts a damper on life is a laughable understatement.  Laughable if it weren't so screwed up, anyway.  And what's up with this damn nostalgia?  Geez, Louise.. I know getting older means a lot of looking back and being sometimes overwhelmed with the idea that you somehow missed something, or a LOT of somethings, and feeling like you've figured something out about 20+ years too late.  But it doesn't stop there.  Oh no... now I deal with chronic anxiety that no one can do anything about.  Fucking yay, right?

To be honest, I'm not really as pissed off as I sound.  If I were to lay it all out I would have to admit that I'm sad... with a hint of pissed.  But mostly sad.  And why is that, you may ask?  Well let me tell you..... because I come from a severely dysfunctional family that treated me like an outcast since I was a baby.  God only knows I can't go into the whole thing, because I'd be writing a damn book instead of a blog entry.  So we're not doing that.  But the details are many, and unless you know me personally you'll not really understand just how fucked up the situation was, and still is... even 20+ years since my mother passed away.  So other than my sons and grandkids (yes, we all started young with our families), I don't have anyone.  It would've been nice to have a sister who behaved like my sister, a brother who behaved like my brother instead of an enemy... maybe cousins, aunts and uncles.... you know, FAMILY.  these days I mourn the family that is there yet not, and missing those from my past, my distant past... who is there but not within reach.

It's a shitty way to feel, I'll tell you.  The worse I feel, the sicker I get, the more alone I feel.  And this is where the anxiety comes in.  The knowledge that life is passing without any real memories being made, no experiences being had.... is fucking scary.  Oh sure, I have memories of important matters evolving around my kids etc.,, but those personal life experiences that speak more about the imprinting of time on one's soul.... well, all I can say is that I'm still a book filled with mostly empty pages.  And that just sucks ass.