Looking for a Fight, Are We?

When someone becomes incensed because you offered to wait to eat a meal so you could eat it with them...
When someone throws a remote control at you because you agreed with something they said...
When the 'now' fades into 'everything I've ever perceived you doing wrong...'...
When all the seemingly mundane things that no one ever pays any attention to becomes fodder for fighting...

......there is someone LOOKING for a fight.

There isn't an REASON for a fight, so... something has to be 'made up,' and anything and everything, to a fighter and drama junky... is fair game.

I used to waste an enormous amount of precious time trying to figure out what "I" did to make my bf angry at me.  Asking only pissed him off more.  Offering explanation only pissed him off more.  Choosing to be the martyr when nothing would appease him.... only pissed him off more.  Remaining in a positive mindset only pissed him off more.  Apologizing, when there wasn't anything TO apologize for.... only pissed him off more too.  Tonight, after a ruined day filled with anxiety, depression, stress, gloominess and drama.... my spirit began to sag and atrophy under the onslaught of all the negativity.  But when someone decides to be utterly careless in their tantrums... I draw the line.  Period!

A trip to the grocery store while he has a DARK and negative mood ended with his smashing my finger between the shopping cart and a huge plastic bin he was pulling out of the cart while I was trying to take things out.  He barely squeezed out a mumbled 'sorry'... but never asked how my finger was, etc.

Later in the evening..... I flirted with him heavily and left to no uncertain terms what I wanted to do (wink).... and he began complaining, and complaining in the vein where he's complaining about everything he thought I did over the past year we've known one another.  When he did return to the present.. he just continued to whine and complain, challenging me with questions every step of the way. At one point... he said something, rather a statement posed as a question (rhetorical)... and when I agreed.. he threw the remote at me, carelessly, and it bounced off my wrist bone.  It hurt.  No it wasn't bone crushing, but I don't do physical tantrums like that.  I just DON'T.  Twice in one day is TOO much.

The tantrum continues... as he's retreated to his office in a huff and has shut the door.  Fine.  I'm really okay with that.  But it's my circumstances here that really make this situation precarious and stressful, not to mention unhealthy.

Long way from home.  Stuck because my car broke down.  Waiting on tires he didn't bother to order until the last possible second (or I would be home right now)... for a vehicle he was going to loan me while mine is being repaired.  He's doing the repairs... so I wonder how long that will take.  I paid to have it towed here.  I pay for food I eat here.  I pay for food HE eats.  I pay and pay and pay.  I pay ALWAYS to come visit.  He NEVER helps, not once, and I've been coming here to visit him for nearly a year now.

What the hell was I thinking?!
What the hell AM I thinking?!

My physical and emotional health has suffered.  I've gained SO much weight.  I feel horrible all the time.  ALL that money I used to come see him could have been spent on the BHRT I was on that had improved my quality of life in a huge way.  I could have paid bills with it all or saved it!!!  I'm SO angry with myself right now.  SO angry.  But I have to let it go.  I HAVE to.  The money is gone, and I can't bring it back.

I pay money I can't afford to pay for gas to come here.  I'm expected to clean his house.  He lets his cat in then tells me a minute later to go get the cat and put her outside.  He's supposed to drop something off at his sister's or mom's house... and he makes/expects ME to take those things to the door.

Do this, do that, get this, fetch that... and on and on and on and on.  At first.. I loved doing things to help him out, but now it's just demanded and expected and that makes me feel USED.

WTH is wrong with me??!!  I feel like I've just awoken from a drug-induced stupor!  OMG.... what have I done?  :(

I've burned through so much of my savings.  HE is taken care of.  HE doesn't have to worry because his parents will pick up the pieces if his life falls apart.  I only have ME.  No parents.  No family.  My sons are struggling themselves, so it's not like I can turn to them if my life falls apart (which it's trying to do as we speak).

Trying not to panic here.....