Tired. Changes....

Forgive the dullness of this post.  I have to get up early all week, and I mean 4 am to get things done so I can leave for work by 6:50.  *sigh*  I need the hours, but when it c osts $15 round trip each day to go to work, and when I'm only scheduled 4-6 hours... that HURTS. :(  Anyway, I digress....

I'm sleepy as heck at the moment and was contemplating my 50th birthday---next month.  I'm not really freaked out by the number, because I feel 100 yrs old anyway.  Trust me, I'm serious.  But the birthday is only a reminder of a few things, and getting older really isn't 'it.'

It's about time lost...

50 years old and what do I have to show for it?  Kids and grandkids and furkids, and thank GOD for them!  Because outside of that... nothing.  Never owned a home.  Never owned a new car or even got financed for anything at all.  Never 'went on vacation.'  Only just NOW, this year, getting to the career "I" want, and yet almost too damn late to get a degree and licensing to boost the income.  There's a lot of 'nevers,' and that really sucks.  I can't un-ring those 50 bells--time lost is just, well, time lost.

But, contrary to what you may be thinking right now, I'm not lamenting anything.  I do feel some regret, sure.  Maybe quite a bit.  Still, it's really the 'now' that I'm disappointed in.  The past is what it is, but the now is really the lowest situation I've been in.  Well, okay... SECOND lowest.  When I lived in a house with a tin roof, in the woods in Arkansas, with no running water (had to dip it out of a well), no toilet/bathroom (had to go in a bucket and take it outdoors), had to heat the entire home with a wood burning stove--not the cool cast iron ones but the 'tin can' type....had to cook on it too, and the only light inside was ONE bulb in the living room ceiling... yeah, that was the lowest.  But the current is still freaking scary.  At least way back when I lived with the abuser, the psycho, the loon... at least my mom was alive and I could always 'go home' if I needed to.  And back then, I did have small children, one who was only a few months old.  Anyway... the now does bother me.

And the birthday... doesn't help.

My mom stopped making a big deal out of my birthday about age 9.  My birthdays weren't ever a big deal to begin with.  I only remember two parties---one when I was 9, and one when I was 16 and pregnant, within a couple of days of going into labor, and a friend of mine (another pregnant teen).. her mother baked me a cake and we had a small 'party' with the three of us.  I almost ate the entire chocolate cake.  And... they let me.  lol  There were other goodies, so I was the big chocolate fiend.  Good memory, though a bit blurry around the edges.

Anyway, birthdays have never really been a big deal since.  Most of the time my birthday just comes and goes.  *shrugs*  But it's the 'what have I accomplished so far' and the 'is it always going to be bad?' and the 'when is it FINALLY going to be over?!' questions that burn in my mind right now.

I mean, when you feel 100 years old, your chronological age ceases to matter.

Still, I am a little disappointed that things turned out so badly when I'd been trying so hard. One minute I think my life is one way and going one direction, then BAM!  Someone else makes a decision that upends my life entirely.  Yay. <----sarcasm.

Anyway, my tired self is going to put the fuzzies in their cages for the evening, bring my dog's bed into my bedroom (as is our nightly routine) so she can sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed..... and try to get some sleep myself.  And I hope, REALLY hope.... that the voices in my head will shut the heck up long enough so I CAN sleep this time.  The bills, the worry, the stress, the anxiety, the loneliness... will simply have to wait for another day.

Nite nite....
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