You don't HAVE to love me

It's a choice.  It always has been.

When my last living parent passed away (my dad died when I was 14, and I didn't know him) I knew, as my best friend would agree, that ... no one HAD to love me.  Sure this is ego talking, but it's in our inherent nature.. to want to be loved, cared for, appreciated, respected, etc.

I'm no different.

My BF---at least I 'think' he's still my BF---doesn't like me.  I wonder at times if he can love me if most of what and who I am... he despises?  I'll never truly know the answer to that, but my friends tell me the proof is in his actions.  His choices in how he treats me is telling.  So I'm told.

Denial isn't just another river in Egypt.

He gets so angry at me for the littlest things, things that are so insignificant that most people just scratch their head and say... "Huh?  He's made at you for that?  WTH?"  I agree.  But then, I also know that I believe he can't help but hate parts of me.  He 'wants' to love me, but he doesn't.

All I have to do is breathe and I anger him.  He's comfortable retreating and withholding his love, attention, himself.... he leaves me in total silence until he decides I've been punished enough.  And when he 'leaves,' it usually means hanging up on me and not speaking to me for some undetermined amount of time.  Total silence.  Completely ignoring me.  He doesn't even have enough 'love' for me to think about what this does to me.  But what I believe is... he does know, and he just doesn't care.  Or worse, that he's hoping to hurt me.  THAT has been the undercurrent thought I've been dealing with since he stopped talking to me.

Our anniversary passed without his ever saying a word, and the last words he spoke to me... left the impression (as it always does) that he broke up with me.  But I don't ask for clarification, I don't dare, because when I do... the answer is always.. "Well, YOU thought of it, and YOU brought it up, so YOU must want it!  So be it!  It's done!"

He sets me up.  He's good at traps.  Most of the time I feel like the hungry mouse focusing on the cheese, completely blind to the danger.  Or perhaps I'm just that gullible when it comes to him.  Either way, it occurred to me today that, if he really loved me, he wouldn't be ABLE to do this to me, to hurt me this way, to make me sit in silence and wonder.... if it's over.  I know I could NEVER do that to him, no matter how much he hurt me.  I just couldn't.   That's really telling....

His niece posted something the other day on Facebook that really hit home, a quote from a movie, or a book:

"My favorite thing in the world is to be ignored. so next time i talk to you, please act like i didnt say a word. because when you do, i feel like the most valuable person."

It's funny that she posted this.  My BF knows my history with my mother, who used withdrawal and "ignoring" me as punishment... because she discovered THAT is the way to REALLY punish me.  And I... made the mistake of sharing this information with my BF.  He apparently just put it in his big bag of tricks (or should I say weapons?) in which to use on me when he chooses.  Because he uses this ALL the time.  It's psychological abuse, so I'm told.  Maybe it is.  But it wouldn't be if I didn't have issues with this very thing from my childhood.  My mother would ignore me and pretend I wasn't there, as I cried on her shoulder softly calling.. "Mommy! Mommy!"  I've forgotten most of my childhood (blocked it out?), but this.. this I remember all too well.  So why would the man who 'claims' to love me choose THIS form of punishment?

The answers from my two best friends: "Because, Ella, he DOESN'T love you!"

The last time he broke up with me he really dug the knife in deep.  He said painful things to me such as.. if I had a hot date to go for it, told me I should consider myself single.


I went through the stages in their cyclic and painful patterns, wavering and cycling through denial, anger, pain, acceptance....and so on.  And truly, anyone who tells you that you go through one stage and a time and it's done... has never gone through this, because it's NOT that easy.


So I was crying all the time, sick to my stomach, going through absolute hell, letting go, hurting, and having no one locally to just hang out with and talk to.  I was in the process, painful and necessary as it was, I was finally in the process.  But after a few days things changed, I played the martyr... took all the blame (I always do), and he 'forgave' me.  He never forgets my alleged 'mistakes,' and he NEVER let's me forget.  But we got back together. Now here I am again, for what feels like the hundredth time..... wondering if I should be telling myself what he refuses to say---that I'm single.


He stopped having any interest in me anyway.   That much was clear.  the last time I was at his place I was so sick, but.... I was mostly furniture in the house while he went about his daily life as if I weren't there, just an unimportant and unwanted, barely-tolerated houseguest.


I go to bed alone at his house, and... well, I think I'll leave things at that.  This is just an energy drain talking about this to this extent.


I'll play the martyr... until I know where I stand in his life.  right now, I don't feel at all a part of his life.