Feelings... today

My last post is one I have read and re-read, because even I find it surprising that I've come this far in a week's time.  I'm good with that.  I've much to learn, but I've still come so far.

I've promised myself to FEEL what I feel when I feel it, to not push it away, cover it up with something else, deny it, shame it, guilt it, or punish myself for feeling it.

My feelings are important, and acknowledging my feelings, FEELING them is integral to my well being.  If the feeling/emotion is overwhelming and too uncomfortable I use EFT.  But not until I have allowed myself to feel AND understand what it is I'm feeling.

I'm no longer going to judge myself if the feeling is negative.  This isn't to say that I will allow the negative feeling to linger and take hold of my life (that's what EFT is for).  But I have promised myself to FEEL first, then DEAL after.  I can't tap away something I don't recognize or understand; I've found that out the hard way.

Leading to today...

My BF broke up with me yesterday.  One of my precious little ferrets passed away on Friday.  My BF chose to lecture me for nearly an hour, most of the time in which I was listening (even though his words were painful and biting), but he followed that lecture up with a statement about my going to see him at that time... that it was a mistake.  I felt... at that very moment... like someone had driven a fist directly into my gut.  Those words knocked the wind out of me, and I literally couldn't breathe for a moment.

I didn't know what to do and ended up in another room gasping for air, tears streaming, unable to speak or utter a sound.  I finally made my way back to the bed where I laid down and allowed myself to FEEL the pain and all associated feelings.... and let it flow, unencumbered, unrestricted, unrestrained.

My God but it was intensely cleansing.

I didn't dwell on that feeling, but I also didn't have time to use EFT to rid myself of it.  In a way, this was a blessing in disguise.  Because something in my CHANGED by allowing the feelings to flow of their own accord....

I'm smart enough to know not to allow strong, especially negative, emotions to rule me.  So I let it flow, let it ride, got up, got dressed, packed my car.... and made ready to leave.  I wasn't intending to break up with my BF but to, instead, simply go home and heal.  HE chose to break up with me, and he chose to do so... because I told him what I was FEELING.... and stood my ground.

He broke up with me and then threw me out of his house when I told him he'd crossed a line with me and that what he said to me... was incredibly CRUEL.

I don't do cruelty.

Yesterday is passed.  And here I am today.  I find I'm surprised by how calm I am at the moment, even with that small tell-tale lump in the pit of my stomach.

I saw him as the love of my life....

Today....

I feel alone, but not completely lonely.
I feel sadness and disappointment that the man I thought loved me.. had the capacity to hurt me so deeply, so profoundly, and without regret or remorse.

I feel fear at my financial situation, and I also feel fear for two of my older ferrets, one of which may pass soon as well.

I feel sad that I'm missing out on family joy, the first real holiday gathering I've been to in..... 7 or so years.  I'm disappointed that so much sad and unhappy events had to happen within a few days of Thanksgiving.  I'm hurt that my BF didn't recognize or care that he hurt me so deeply and threw me away as if I meant nothing at all to him.

I have moments of feeling hopeful.  Those moments don't last but a few fleeting seconds, but I think with work I can lengthen those moments until they are ever-present.

I'm worried that I'm simply stuck in the denial stage.

I'm also very sleepy, very tired, and a bit depressed.  I lost my sweet little Tocho on Friday... and my BF on Sunday.

I feel what I feel and I understand them.  I understand where they're coming from and what they mean.  I also know how to heal.

I love myself, forgive myself, accept who and what I am.

I will spend the time I would have spent with my BF.. nurturing me instead.  What I can't give him, what he does not want from me, I can give to myself.

I will take care of me now, and I will let the rest of the world take care of itself.

With the exception of the animals in my care... I am not responsible for taking care of others or fixing their lives, nor am I responsible for them.

Today....

I will listen to the rain and be at peace with myself.  I will listen to music and allow myself to be carried away by it.  I will dance, even if for a few minutes and remember who I am.

I acknowledge the difficult position I am in, financially and otherwise, but I will not dwell on it or allow it to rob me of joy.

I will rest, watch my favorite tv shows and call my two best friends.  I will feel the strong love I have for my BF, because it is a part of me, but I won't allow his absence to hurt me.  I know if what he feels for me is true love... he wouldn't want or need to hurt me.