Optional Confusion

I invented that phrase a few years back when I decided that, since I couldn't figure out the x, y or z of my life and who and what I am and how I work.... I would simply opt to be confused and marvel at the mystery instead.  It worked for a time.  But it doesn't work now.

To be needy or not to to be needy.....

I HATE 'needy' when it comes to me.  It's one of the most uncomfortable states to be in, imho.  And it really doesn't help that needy is joined at the hip by desperation.  GEEZ!  What an awful combination.  It's not any fun to deal with or feel, and certainly no fun for anyone to be around someone like that, so... I'm determined that it simply had to go.

So... I used EFT to get rid of the neediness.  Trust me, I don't like it any more than anyone else, and I'd be willing to go as far as to say I probably hate it even more than anyone else.  And I'm only referring to me here.  I don't speak for others and their own neediness.

The result was pleasant from my side of things, after I tapped the neediness away, but it wasn't much fun apparently for my BF.  So.... I did everything I could think of to reverse it----neediness back... and with it's old friend... desperation.  The symptoms.. suck.  I'll tell you that straight up.  They suck.

Who likes feeling needy and desperate?  Who would WANT to feel that way?  I don't!

I can't differentiate between being 'needy' and needing someone.  To me.. you have a need or you don't.  If you have a need, then you're needy. Cripes... I get a headache just thinking about this.

So now what?  Don't know.  Absolutely do---not---know.  The only thing I DO know is that I constantly, even as recent as today, get in trouble for not getting some things.  I just want the neediness GONE.  I want the desperation GONE.  SICK SICK SICK SICK S-I-C-K to death of it.

This whole thing is confusing and overwhelming.  When I tapped the neediness away I actually felt far more 'clear' about me and MY life than I have, well, most of my life.  Now I'm back to square one and confused, tangled up inside... and hating my life.

This has GOT to stop.

God.. I'm SO tired.