I don't get out enough. I don't talk to people enough. I'm not good with strangers or crowds, so... who the hell am I supposed to talk to anyway? The people I want to talk to don't usually want to talk to me, so there's that. And the one person I REALLY wished liked talking to me... well, doesn't.
1:29am... it's not the first time I've waited up for him to call. It won't be the last. I'll go to bed as usual, knowing that he's bored with me. He'd be angry as hell with me if I actually SAID that to him, so I don't speak my mind on such matters anymore. I don't speak my mind on a lot of things anymore because it usually just ends up with him being annoyed with me, then angry at me. It's not worth it, so I either just bury it inside and deal with it myself or, well... actually, that's my only option. No matter. It's not the only time in my life that I was a total stranger to 99% of the people in my life.
My job interview went okay today. Nothing telling in what transpired, but it went okay. I feel pretty good about it. It will take every other weekend, and that's okay. My bf isn't all that into me anymore anyway, so maybe he will be happier if I'm not around as much.
And I need a life of my own anyway. I do nothing, see nothing, experience nothing, talk to no one outside of a couple of people.... and it leaves me with NOTHING to talk about. People take it personally when this happens, because they don't understand that I do nothing so have nothing to say. If the topic of conversation is about them.. I can listen, nod, say 'cool' or some other word that feels fitting for the moment. But that's about it. If the topic is foreign to me, I have even less. I simply just don't know what to say 99% of the time.
Minimal social 'functioning' is what I rely on. I've seen enough tv shows, read enough books, seen talk shows, observed people interacting... so I sort of know what to say or do or not do or react.. most of the time. But there are truly challenging situations, like the one last weekend with my BF and his ex. Whoooo.... I won't even go into that situation. I'm just chocking it up to another life event I'd rather forget about. Even so....
I don't know how to talk to people, and top that with no life or experiences to discuss... I'm the most boring person on planet earth. So.. how does one become both annoying AND boring? Neat trick, eh?
This is where I thrived and LIVED in dance. It was the music, the movement, the color, the flow of energy... without my EVER having to utter a single word. What I was saying on stage needed no words. GOD that was nice. The music carried me and was my armor. :)
I need to figure out my life and me quickly. I'm running out of time. And seriously, I don't mean for that to sound as morbid as it came out. I know my BF isn't feeling the same way for me. I feel myself fading into the shadows and am barely tolerated now. The things he dislikes, that list of things... has grown in a huge way. Once again I've identified myself via something or someone else, my identity becoming deeply ingrained in something that is, in essence, separate and apart from me....
I'm a dancer...
someone's friend...
someone's girlfriend...
yada...yada...yada.
You get the picture, I'm sure.
I've had to re-invent myself far more times than is healthy because something I thought was me was taken away.
It's almost 2am and I'm sleepy. Another day in my life gone with little to show for it. Okay. So that's the way life goes sometimes.
....lost.
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