NOTE: Actual talking will commence post-whining. *snort*
Begin Whining: Waiting. The Watchman Device isn't, at least in AL, approved by BC/BC insurance. This means my cardiologist and electrophysiologist have to start the appeal process to get it approved for me. So the waiting game sits in and I'm stuck on a blood thinner I believe is ruining my health. So there's that. I also found out I may have a torn rotator cuff and may need surgery. Well alrighty then. But hey, if that's what it is an I have to go through Sx and have my arm in a sling for a month... I can live with that. The pain.. not so much. Since when did I become such a wuss?
I've always had a high pain tolerance, but I've never had chronic pain like this either. Guess I'll give myself a pass this time.
Somehow the idea of just living a normal life has receded into the background of dull static making it hard to hear myself think. Everyone goes through a little something every now and then, and sometimes it's a big something. It resolves, and people move on. This has been a very long haul so far, but I'll do the same once I get past whatever the hell this is. End whining:
Re-discovering 'me' again. Sounds so damn egocentric, doesn't it? Especially when you say it out loud. But hey, it's not like anyone else can do that for me, right? Getting through the steps of the day sometimes interferes with the process, trying hard to remember who I am and all that entails. In my situation, since it's not somewhere I've been my entire life, it's a bit more difficult given this is an abrupt situation, rather than a chronic one. It's a bit like a tidal wave of change that pummeled and stripped everything I knew about me and my life... completely away, removing almost all recognizable things and swept them out to sea. Well, on one had that really sucks. But, on the other hand it just means a clean slate. Right?
Then there's the debris, having to clear that away. Beginning to re-think and rebuild what was once 'me' is probably one of the strangest and toughest things I've ever face with regards to my own personal experiences here on planet earth. Not to say it's completely bad, mind you, but it is a little unsettling to have to repair damage that was done that was beyond my control. Medication and illness has a way of doing that sometimes. So be it.
(Have I mentioned I absolutely love coffee?)
Anyway, there are choices I have to make. Sounds reasonable, right? The trick is having the strength and energy to see those choices through. Like my choice, be it a small one, to visit ALL of my blogs today and catch up on things a bit. Sounds easy as hell, yet even now my arms are so weak and achy that I still have to rest them on the laptop as I type. So there's that.
What does all of this even mean? I'm still fighting. That's what it means. I've walked right to the edge of just giving up but have managed to not step off into oblivion. Isn't that how we all get through the hard times?.. not by saying there aren't difficulties but by saying there are and fighting being overtaken by them. Well.. that's me anyway.
I'm still reaching for a better life, and that counts for something. I guess.
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